Advice?

[wittlebunmommy]

Thanks for anyone taking time to read this. Any advice or anything would help me immensely. 

Background:

My boyfriend and I started dating the most recent time last March (little over a year). We dated freshman/sophomore year of highschool and remained friends afterwards until dating as adults. I've been hurt a lot. I trusted him wholeheartedly as best friends and initially dating.

Leading up to current:

One of my boundaries to date me is not watching porn. No qualms for couples okay with it, single folks, legitimately anyone I'm not dating go for it. You wanna date me don't watch it. Don't like it don't date me kinda feelings. He knew this. Instead of picking one or the other he's been lying to my face over a year now. Only told me the truth after I had proof upon proof and we argued for a while day. He let me go to work arguing not taking accountability trying to say he got hacked when I knew. Drug it out for what? "Scared  to lose me". If he was actually I feel like he wouldn't have done something over 30 times alone i stopped scrolling through his history.

 

Why would I even stay?

He was my rock after I friend zoned him in high school. I went to college ended up putting myself in a dangerous situation and was raped. I ended up breaking up with him and started sleeping around Lowkey. I didn't treat him how I should have. How he deserved. I don't blame myself now because I was in an active state of shock and then trauma. I told him once I told the police the same day (months later). I've been a victim of a lot of shit but I don't live my life anymore like it. I also don't live my life recklessly hurting others when I'm hurt. 

 

I don't know if sticking this hurt out and bring his ride or die will show him I'm there for him and he won't do that. But him not telling me on his own. Me finding it after questioning him for a year. Having a gut feeling that wouldn't go away. Him gaslighting me anytime I asked too many questions or insinuated he was doing shit he agreed not to do. 

Whether to agree with me or not about porn being problematic in a relationship isn't the issue. Don't. Date. Me. To. Begin. With. It betrayed me. We were best friends for 9 years. For it to end because he couldn't say no to dating me. Or no to porn. I didn't force him. He chose me and he knew that came with not watching that. That's what I'm hurt about don't act and talk like you'll respect my boundaries to date me then hide and sneak. I don't even know if I know this man. He hasn't had a job since last June. Doesn't have a GED. I hear shit from my family about that. But above else he was loyal, loved me, and didn't cheat and hurt me like I have been. He loved me and respected me.

 

 

But now I'm second guessing 9 years. He had my back is it my turn? Was me keeping us afloat financially my turn?? Idk what amount of loyalty is healthy. Because I'm feeling stupid... 

[beanbean]

Well boundaries are boundaries if you said no porn then I mean at least he needs to come clean that it was him. then you guys can go from there and maybe talk it out but you need to trust him and can you is the question?and really only you can answer that

[Little kaiya]

The issue in my mind isn't the porn, it's the lying. If it wasn't porn it very likely would be or will be something else. Each person has to make their own decision but for me, if someone consciously and intentionally lied to me for that long it would be relationship OVER AND DONE. I can tolerate a lot of things but lying isn't one of them. If my partner can't trust me with the truth then I can't trust them. 

For me the issue is simple, without trust there is no relationship and lying multiple times over a year period . . . The trust would be gone. It doesn't matter the reason to me. If he's going to lie about this then what else is he lying about.

Edited April 17, 2023 by Little kaiya

[Vampiress]

He knew what your boundaries were, and he had the right to choose to disagree with them. If porn is that important to him, then you two are not compatible. He chose to be dishonest and pretend that you were compatible in that area, and then whenever you ask he chose to treat you poorly and make you feel like you are crazy. It's not the porn that matters so much as how he chose to handle it and treat you, and it puts into question what else he might lie about and how he'd act with other things. I'm not saying it's impossible for you two to work this out and find a better path forward, but you're not wrong to be questioning things.

[Redbottompunkin]

My take for whatever it’s worth.

His porn watching has nothing to do with you but rather everything to do with him.  Porn can become an addiction for people.  It’s sounds like he may be actively addicted.  It releases  “feel good” endorphins into the body.  When you make it all about the betrayal of you then that is like a child saying there mom or dad chose drugs over them. No, their mom or dad are active addicts and are having a difficult time getting out of the cycle.  
 

You may also want to look into trauma bonds, your codependence here is very real and I imagine very painful.  Your life and happiness is not contingent on his behavior.  
 

it also doesn’t sound like you are in a place to make a decision on leaving or staying so don’t.  Take a break from it.  If he hasn’t been working he may be depressed (because a man’s value is based around their success in a career, while a woman’s is in her relationships)  his depression might be why he is actively using his drug of choice, porn.  The feel good is too great.  So maybe ask him to go see a therapist and stop enabling him by paying for things.

i know this wasn’t the softest advice or shared perception but take from it what you will.  Maybe get a codependency book as we all have codependent traits in our personality. And let go with love!  Not of the relationship but of the expectations.  
 

I know many might argue that it’s a boundary that was set but the truth is it’s a rule you made.  He has to be the one to set that boundary for himself and you can’t force it no more then you can get an alcoholic not to drink or a drug addict not to use.  

Good luck!!  I am truly sorry you are experiencing this right now!! 

Edited April 17, 2023 by Redbottompunkin

[Cebakes]

49 minutes ago, Redbottompunkin said:

My take for whatever it’s worth.

His porn watching has nothing to do with you but rather everything to do with him.  Porn can become an addiction for people.  It’s sounds like he may be actively addicted.  It releases  “feel good” endorphins into the body.  When you make it all about the betrayal of you then that is like a child saying there mom or dad chose drugs over them. No, their mom or dad are active addicts and are having a difficult time getting out of the cycle.  
 

You may also want to look into trauma bonds, your codependence here is very real and I imagine very painful.  Your life and happiness is not contingent on his behavior.  
 

it also doesn’t sound like you are in a place to make a decision on leaving or staying so don’t.  Take a break from it.  If he hasn’t been working he may be depressed (because a man’s value is based around their success in a career, while a woman’s is in her relationships)  his depression might be why he is actively using his drug of choice, porn.  The feel good is too great.  So maybe ask him to go see a therapist and stop enabling him by paying for things.

i know this wasn’t the softest advice or shared perception but take from it what you will.  Maybe get a codependency book as we all have codependent traits in our personality. And let go with love!  Not of the relationship but of the expectations.  
 

I know many might argue that it’s a boundary that was set but the truth is it’s a rule you made.  He has to be the one to set that boundary for himself and you can’t force it no more then you can get an alcoholic not to drink or a drug addict not to use.  

Good luck!!  I am truly sorry you are experiencing this right now!! 

All spot on and insightful.  Unfortunately, someone close the me is addicted to porn. They were exposed to it before they were even 13 and it’s dramatically effected her life.  The craving and need for dopamine created and released by porn can actually play a role in rewiring your brain, leading to a host of issues that fall under sex addiction.  

There are numerous simple sex addiction tests on the Internet that list approximately 10 questions.  Generally watching excessive amounts of porn and masturbating are the first two.  Once you start checking, yes to the other questions, you are moving into the area of sexual addiction.   

 As mentioned above, and from what I know,  generally there are other underlying conditions that factor into this.   The lying and trust issue here is a whole other separate significant topic.  Also a good rec on codependency books.

[Guest Fae ME]

Thanks for sharing your problem. 

Firstly, DDLG is different than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There are 3 protocols that we maintain in our daily life, knowingly or unknowingly as follows:

• Low Protocol: Boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, and family is a part of it. At this level, we interact casually, but with desired respect. These relations have bonding, low or high, but not like TPE means a Total Power Exchange relationship.
• Medium Protocol: We follow this in DDLG or D/s or M/s relations. Sometimes we follow this hierarchical relation at workplaces but remain as fiduciary or strictly professional purpose. Here we do not question our bonding. We never question why I accepted you as my Daddy?! Daddy earned the title, he is responsible, he takes care of me, and Little love & follows him. This is a complete TPE means a Total Power Exchange relationship.
• High Protocol: When interacting with our society at large or a group of like-minded people through DDLG or D/s or M/s relations, then we follow this level of protocol. For example, Judicial service or Military service or Royal service or Knight service & so on.

At this first point, I will advise you that your relationship is under question. You are questioning whether you want this man as your boyfriend or not. Your relationship is not secured like DDLG or D/s or M/s relations.

Secondly, If you do not like pron and you communicated to him this clearly, and still he is looking at it while dating you, then simply he is ignoring you. He is giving preference to give his own choice which is not very healthy in any relationship. 

Thirdly, If he does not want to lose you, then he must take the initiative to talk with you because you have been hurt several times as mentioned by you. It is his duty to take care of his loved one if he truly loves you.

Finally,  If I understood correctly, then I will say that he cannot claim you to be his back ignoring your emotional or psychological part. This is simply not any defence that he supported you financially so it is your time. NO, obviously not.

Advice: These signs are signs of fake dominance. A true dominant will never ignore your emotional, physical, or sexual part of your life. He can support you financially, but ignoring your psychological or emotional aspect is not a good sign. Personally, I think, you will suffer with him in the future because he is a fake dom. You must move on and look for someone who can really be yours and take care of your wounds that you already have. This man will try to get you in several ways, but if I were in your place, then I would strictly move on, no matter how much emotional pain that causes me.

This is your life. Now think carefully and decide for yourself. I am always here to help you as your friend. 

Edited April 17, 2023 by Faerie Tikli

[Redbottompunkin]

1 hour ago, Cebakes said:

All spot on and insightful.  Unfortunately, someone close the me is addicted to porn. They were exposed to it before they were even 13 and it’s dramatically effected her life.  The craving and need for dopamine created and released by porn can actually play a role in rewiring your brain, leading to a host of issues that fall under sex addiction.  

There are numerous simple sex addiction tests on the Internet that list approximately 10 questions.  Generally watching excessive amounts of porn and masturbating are the first two.  Once you start checking, yes to the other questions, you are moving into the area of sexual addiction.   

 As mentioned above, and from what I know,  generally there are other underlying conditions that factor into this.   The lying and trust issue here is a whole other separate significant topic.  Also a good rec on codependency books.

I didn’t read anyone else’s response so I’m sorry if I stepped on your toes somehow.  I do Agree, however he’s not the one here asking for help with his porn, she’s asking for help in how to deal with it, so for me to assume he was traumatized isn’t the route I would feel comfortable taking.  I was merely just trying to help her.  People lie and they sneak around with addiction, it’s part of it!  He is not operating in his highest level of self but rather his lowest level.  She needs to allow this to be his problem, otherwise she will enable him and he will never reach out for help.  She has to let go with love and carry on, so that he can pick it up and handle it!!

[beanbean]

14 minutes ago, gigisweetheart said:

I don’t know. I genuinely feel there is a chance he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal to watch something that MANY people consume - and not in an addictive way. Of course he would lie about it because, I feel, he doesn’t want to be nagged about it or shamed. I think digging too deeply into this with trauma and addiction is giving both adults a way out of something that is basically down to what one partner probably thinks is an irritant to another partner. Many people sneak drinks, or gamble, or any number of things that they think are “no big deal” to their partnerships and really don’t want to give up something that they may view as harmless. This level of lying isn’t ideal but it’s hardly the kind of dishonesty that will shatter an entire trust system. If it does, I think that’s problematic.

When any married couple I’ve known has come across this level of deceit (I use that word mildly), it boils down to the one partner not feeling heard and the other partner thinking they’re making a big deal out of nothing. If it’s this one thing, you can probably work through it or quickly learn how to compromise. If the partner doesn’t listen to MULTIPLE things then I would say you have a bigger problem.

We can’t be idealizing relationship boundaries and trust levels. There are going to be minor issues that won’t go away ever. If this one lie was a major issue to you then that, unfortunately, is your problem and you might as well leave. Sorry to be blunt but sometimes I feel like people don’t see real relationships and how flawed even the best ones are. Disagreements, small lies, pushing boundaries that one person doesn’t think are that big of a deal… it happens and you have to work through it. Otherwise you’re going to be miserable. Just my two cents. I know many people will disagree. That’s okay. Just throwing this out there as a different perspective. 

I don't know if the porn's the issue.i think it's honesty and can you trust them . because then you have to go down the rabbit hole is that the only thing that got lied about 

[Little kaiya]

If people lie about things they think are small and inconsequential they are far more likely to lie when there are serious consequences. The idea that lying is excusable because someone doesn't want to be "nagged" to me feels like a cop out. If they don't want to be nagged then they should be adult enough to have a conversation and discuss it as two adults.

I would also mention the OP stated they clearly told their partner this isn't minor for them it is a MAJOR issue. If their partner felt it's not a big deal then there is a significant incompatability issue from the get go. I don't think not tolerating serial lying is idealuzing a relationship. I think not tolerating lying that has gone on for over a year is a pretty reasonable expectation and boundary. Just my opinion.

[beanbean]

1 hour ago, gigisweetheart said:

@beanbean well that’s kind of my point. Is this the kind of thing that is indicative of a pattern of lying? I’m not entirely sure it is. I understand that keeping anything from your partner can potentially be problematic BUT sometimes it is just one thing the other person doesn’t want to be nagged about or doesn’t think is important to give up. I worry about focusing on this “pattern of lying” thing because it seems like a slippery slope argument.

But you’re right: it might help her to go down the rabbit hole and ask herself:  “if he had never watched porn, would there be other red flags in the relationship?” But if it’s just the porn thing… I genuinely think they can work through the problem. 

I’ve thought about this topic and discussion a lot and I think it’s quite a complicated issue in some ways. I think there are numerous things to consider and possible explanations and outcomes. It’s the trickiest relationship issue I’ve encountered. And many couples I know struggle with it. All I want people to take away from my opinion is that I don’t want the OP to catastrophize or rush into decisions. ❤️

I get that I just have to look at it in my point of view.and to me the damage was most done when caught and it was said I don't know how that got there .all I am saying you got too trust your people tho I do see were your coming from

[Cebakes]

11 hours ago, Little kaiya said:

If people lie about things they think are small and inconsequential they are far more likely to lie when there are serious consequences. The idea that lying is excusable because someone doesn't want to be "nagged" to me feels like a cop out. If they don't want to be nagged then they should be adult enough to have a conversation and discuss it as two adults.

I would also mention the OP stated they clearly told their partner this isn't minor for them it is a MAJOR issue. If their partner felt it's not a big deal then there is a significant incompatability issue from the get go. I don't think not tolerating serial lying is idealuzing a relationship. I think not tolerating lying that has gone on for over a year is a pretty reasonable expectation and boundary. Just my opinion.

They are liars. Everything you posted is correct.  The guy should have said he loves to watch porn and isn’t giving it up.  Porn is a big issue for the OP and anyone who dates her or is her daddy needs to respect that. 
 

I admit, I watch porn, and if a woman asked me, I would absolutely tell her that I watch porn.   If she didnt want me watching porn, I would have to make a decision to stop watching or not. I would not lie about it.    

Edited April 18, 2023 by Cebakes

[beanbean]

But in this relationship porn is a bid deal and him watching it still is not great for the relationship because the sub is against it for whatever reason .so my instincts would say maybe there not meant for each other anyhow but that's just me

[wittlebunmommy]

@beanbean and everyone I'm reading and reading and want a group call with everyone's advice. I realized if it sounds hard to hear it's because it's probably true. For me I know and understand not everyone sees porn as an issue. He had been friends with me 8 years before we dated. Nine years now. Getting into the relationship he knew he had a problem and he chose to willingly start dating me. He knew I broke up with my exes over it. He was my best friend for 8 years. He didn't have to date me and I could still have my best friend and love and not be broken up by. The day we got back from vacation to vegas he watched it. We had so much sex. Y'all don't know my past but he does and he knows I don't judge. My issues aren't porn but I'm open and vulnerable. I had cried to him for months working so many hours trying to save so we can get out on our own. To find out he wasn't searching for a job, working on GED, nothing for our future. He was finding out what Psiphon and other things are. 

 

Everyone is amazing. I appreciate the advice the kind words the time you all are taking. Your words mean a ton. One of my bunny's name is bean @beanbean the first comment I looked over and damn didn't realize my bunny is also my therapist 🤣🤣

[wittlebunmommy]

I've come a long ways. Might be hard to believe because I still have little to no self esteem but I'm gonna get though it. Betrayal blows. Like big time blows. Why not just watch porn and my best friend and I would still be tight. Why ever date me???? knowing how I feel about everything. that's what gets me like... Our friendship wasn't even worth it? I have

 Snapchat ktluvsandy6

This is the most stable I've been in ten years this past year. I've made progress it just hurts but as codependent as I am I'm more resilient. 

Realizing the time it took some of you guys to read and genuinely respond is more than most people do in my life. I have family I'm loved. I'm seen I'm never heard and I'm grateful for what I have but sometimes I wish I was just a voice. And to be heard on hear by so many different people with different thought processes super cool. Loved to pick anyone's brain some more just not about him. :)) I love philosophical ideas, animals, religious debates, being little obviously, learning things. Connecting with people about things they're passionate about. I could go to any convention besides literally one that came to mind but when people are passionate about something it makes me feel a little more connected to humans. Normally I fuck with animals, elderly, and prefer working with kids. 

 

[beanbean]

For sure sometimes things are hard to hear but hopefully you take in to account not only what people are saying to you but also what your feeling when you make judgement on the matter 

[Guest UKHere]

I’m glad to hear that you are more stable these days.Please remember that you have a host of people on your side here on this site who will always try and support you.           Deepest regards,Mark,England