How to achieve more loving, affectionate, enthusiastic phone calls (as Daddy)

[Mosley]

Good morning everyone (well, it's morning here)!

My girlfriend (34) and I (42) have been together for a little over a year now, although we originally took it very slowly, which was good and right. This has given us the opportunity to build our Daddy-Little relationship, but also our very "normal" relationship.

Unfortunately, we live in a long-distance relationship, she in the USA, me in Europe. But that was clear to us from the beginning and we have learned to deal with it. The clear goal, however, is that it definitely won't stay that way forever. Last but not least, we are planning to get married next year. We've been able to meet once so far and in the middle of the year I'm flying to her again for 3 weeks.

We talk on the phone for 30 minutes a day, during her break and on the weekends often for 3-4 hours a day, as time allows. Apart from that, we actually write to each other non-stop, sharing photos and voice messages. 

Last weekend, however, we ran into a bit of a "problem". I have to say about this that my girlfriend suffers from anxiety attacks, especially when certain triggers are set off. One of these triggers can be that when she has a problem that she would like to discuss, she is overcome with shame and guilt, making her almost completely unable to act. This sometimes makes it difficult for me as a daddy to get to the root of the problem.

She has then emailed me, which is a perfectly legitimate thing for me to do. I don't care how she expresses herself, I care that she does it at all.

Anyway, she then told me that she sometimes feels that I am much more loving, enthusiastic, and much more joyful in my text messages and voice messages than I am in our phone conversations. I had to think about this for a very long time because I never perceived it that way myself. For me, our phone conversations were always absolutely beautiful and I know it is the same for her.

She told me that she would like us to spend more loving and intimate moments together on the phone. That's a perfectly valid wish. I have since made a conscious effort to be more responsive to her, to show her much more often how much she means to me, and to try to create a more intimate atmosphere. However, I somehow feel that this is still not what she wants.

I have to add that my girlfriend is very fluid in switching between Big and Little. That's absolutely fine, too. She can be however she wants to be with me. She knows that too, and I also know that she feels safe enough with me to let loose. But these smooth transitions, sometimes every minute, sometimes make it difficult for me as a daddy to adjust. Especially on the phone.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to learn over the past few days. She told me most recently that it was okay for her to feel that way during our phone conversations. However, it is not for me. I don't want her to feel that way. I don't want her to feel that there is a difference in my affection for her between text messages, or voice messages, or even phone calls.

I think I approach phone calls in a much more relaxed way. You simply find yourself in the flow at some point and let yourself drift. It can certainly happen that I don't tell her every five minutes how much she means to me. It's also clear to me that she knows how much she means to me. Nothing has changed for us as a result. 

But I want to be the best partner and daddy I can be for her. So I am trying to learn and meet her needs and wants. It's not about blaming her either. I understand her very, very well. So it's mostly about growing for me and figuring out how to give her what she needs.

I realize that for some people it is easy to express themselves in text and voice messages. For me, for example, it is that I can consciously prepare for it and I usually know what I want to say to her. Phone calls only allow for such preparation to a limited extent.

As a first measure, we have now reduced the length of our voice messages. Previously, they were often an hour long, 1-2 times a day. We have now agreed on a maximum of 15 minutes. So that we can share more of our feelings and affection during the phone calls. However, I feel that we are still not there, for what she would like to have. I would like to show her more affection and share beautiful moments with her on the phone.

So my question here would be if anyone possibly has any tips or suggestions on how I can make our phone conversations more affectionate and also intimate, how I can create a certain atmosphere or moments. Of course I can tell her how much I love her, but that is altogether too little and too one-dimensional for me. I want more for her. I just don't quite know how at the moment....

For tips, experiences and help I would be very, very grateful!

With best wishes

Mosley

[GrampyP]

Rhetorical question, does she want phone sex but is too shy or inhibited to overtly ask for it? And are you too shy and inhibited to initiate it? Even stating that you'd like to hold her hand, hug, cuddle or kiss could be ations in the right direction and tell you more about what she's into affection wise.

[Senya09]

I agree with Gigisweetheart, at this point in my life, it’s direct honest communication. Trying to assume or read someone’s mind is just going to cause problems and miscommunications. Just ask her what she wants and hopefully she’s direct/honest with you in return, only way you’re going to be able to get things sorted out.

[DarkSide1969]

I will say that texting is the absolutely most ambivalent way to communicate. She may have very well constructed what she feels is legitimate context, for her. I have more ambiguity in communication through text than any other way. Spend way more time explaining what that winky face emoji meant than if we were in the same room. She sees two different sides of you and has attached different feelings to each. 

[MysticSand]

Agree with what GrampyP and gigisweetheart said.

If it's not phone sex she's interested in, then I would suggest the below:

Greet her enthusiastically when the call first starts and whenever she returns from being off screen for a moment. Basically, be as happy as a dog would be when seeing their owner return home even if it was just from taking the trash out.

This may not apply as it sounds like it could be already happening, but just in case not: Ask her to tell you when she wants your full attention, and to wait to tell you things that are important or that you want to focus on so you can give her your full attention. Sometimes my little and I will be on a call but if I know he's going to tell me something big like his next work project or his weekly schedule, I'll ask him to wait a few minutes as I finish what I'm doing (could be dishes, could be work, etc.) so that I can give him my full undivided attention. I know this isn't always necessary, but for me I know I would want someone's full attention and I want to be able to invest the same to know every detail of information.

[Erasmeus71]

First of all there are a number of ways to communicate to a person. Snail mail. I am showing my age! 22 years ago you could only emails on computer. There was no Zoom, snap chat which you can do today. Phone calls can be done which you have mentioned. Only trouble with writing my mail now you have to wait. Also one has to keep ones interest going. I must say I lost my pen pals from Europe after the wall went down. across Eastern Europe. Well I would like to point out those with writing problems. Like me for example. Autistics, dyslexics need the patients while you type on the computer while you reply. One with APD like me also. All of that gives anxiety believes since I have some.

[AmandaAlwaysNaughty]

I had a long distance daddy, and our conversation used to switch from DDLG to grown up conversation frequently. If I ever felt I needed for middle time I’d ask daddy for some “daddy-time” so he knew I needed to be talked to by my daddy. As time went in, and especially after we’d met in person, I needed something more intimate sometimes so I would only have to ask for “naughty daddy-time” and he know I wanted to play. We had many many lovely naughty daddy-time chats after that.