insecurities and shame

[babi.bri]

Hi! Just wanted to vent since there's nowhere else I feel safe enough to discuss ddlg / agere with but I've been feeling really sad and insecure about this lifestyle. Recently one of my best friends was talking about how there are kinks that should be shamed and that people need to be shamed and she's extremely adamant about that. In the past we've also taken the bdsm test together, and me, as a secret little in ddlg and age regression, scored very high on the age play aspect. She showed her scores then continued to talk about how weird and disgusting it was that age play was even an option. After that I decided not to show my scores as she would've thought I was into kids or something.. Sigh... It really sucks that so many people simply don't understand and will choose to never actually understand how healthy and therapeutic this lifestyle really is and how much safety and consent between *adults* is involved in these relationships. Being a little makes me so happy and helps me cope with lots of childhood trauma, and it really hurts when people talk about it without even understanding what this community really is. I realize people can have their own opinions and of course it's valid if they aren't into certain things, but hearing my best friend talk about something that's so important to me in my life like it's pedophilic and repulsive, without even really understanding what it is, just hurt me so much. At this point I'm scared to even be around her since it hurt me in an extremely personal way, I guess best way to put it is  I don’t really feel safe or comfortable hanging out with her now  I feel I could try and explain to her what this lifestyle really is and explain how much it means to me but I'm sure her prejudice and preconceived notions would get in the way of her actually listening to me. I really wish I could tell my close friends but I think it’s best to keep it secret with the way they are. Forums like this remind me that there are still people who understand what being a little really is and that I'm not alone, so I'm very grateful since I have no one irl that understands. Anyways sorry for the long vent haha I just needed to get this off my chest  

Edited March 6, 2023 by babi.bri

[MissNMTX]

First, I'm so sorry your friend's words hurt you so deeply. Has a person with a disability, I feel confident saying, most people's prejudice and discrimination is very simply from a lack of exposure. You said yourself, she knows nothing of this world. Again, speaking for myself, when I first discovered being little (was told by a Dom) I was horrified (I'm actually a middle) it takes, time. You have to research, talk, and really think about yourself, what you like, need, and the why's behind it. Honestly most people aren't prepared to do that amount of work.

If you're friend took a BDSM test she can't be entirely close minded. Maybe after some time of recovery and research on your part you could actually help her become a more open minded person.

[Kittyara207]

          I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I have no real advice to offer other than I am kind of in your situation.  I am considering telling the 3 closest people to me.  But I am unsure how to go about it.  If they are a true friend as I have been told by one person, they will understand.   But insecurities and anxiety still make speaking about things scary.  I hope whichever you decide to do you and your friend can get passed it.   

[beanbean]

I mean even your friends are not going to understand or be sensitive about what you want or need .but the only person that has to live with your choices are you . Your sometimes family. So I would  just not pay attention to hurtful words and just be you.make yourself happy and if you're not hurting anyone don't worry what your friends think

[Vampiress]

It is hard being a part of this lifestyle and having to hide it close to our hearts because others judge, but I understand where they're coming from. I was one of those people that hated DD/lg before I knew what it was because of all the bad stereotypes and assumptions. Since I have been a part of this lifestyle, I have talked to some people and changed their minds about it, but not everyone is open minded enough to listen.

I've come to accept that not everyone needs to know. Even though there are a lot of SFW aspects to being a little or a middle, and not everyone is a sexual little/middle, this still falls under the BDSM umbrella and is therefore a kink. Though this can be a therapeutic thing for us to be in this lifestyle, so can other aspects of BDSM and I don't need my friends to know about it. As a masochist I find pain to be very soothing, but it doesn't really need to be something all my friends know because it really doesn't alter my friendship with them in any way. They won't be engaging in it with me.

I know you want to feel accepted and not shamed for what you're into, but aside from that... what would be the goal of your friend knowing about it? They are unlikely to engage in it with you, and so whatever stuff you do as a little will continue to be a solo activity or something you do with your Caregiver (if you have one). As much as I hate this being a highly stigmatized lifestyle, at the end of the day, there is no real point to other people knowing because I don't want to engage in it with them anyways. Therefore, the acceptance isn't really needed. Just try to avoid the subject with people and minimize your exposure to the negative opinions.

[babi.bri]

5 hours ago, Vampiress said:

It is hard being a part of this lifestyle and having to hide it close to our hearts because others judge, but I understand where they're coming from. I was one of those people that hated DD/lg before I knew what it was because of all the bad stereotypes and assumptions. Since I have been a part of this lifestyle, I have talked to some people and changed their minds about it, but not everyone is open minded enough to listen.

I've come to accept that not everyone needs to know. Even though there are a lot of SFW aspects to being a little or a middle, and not everyone is a sexual little/middle, this still falls under the BDSM umbrella and is therefore a kink. Though this can be a therapeutic thing for us to be in this lifestyle, so can other aspects of BDSM and I don't need my friends to know about it. As a masochist I find pain to be very soothing, but it doesn't really need to be something all my friends know because it really doesn't alter my friendship with them in any way. They won't be engaging in it with me.

I know you want to feel accepted and not shamed for what you're into, but aside from that... what would be the goal of your friend knowing about it? They are unlikely to engage in it with you, and so whatever stuff you do as a little will continue to be a solo activity or something you do with your Caregiver (if you have one). As much as I hate this being a highly stigmatized lifestyle, at the end of the day, there is no real point to other people knowing because I don't want to engage in it with them anyways. Therefore, the acceptance isn't really needed. Just try to avoid the subject with people and minimize your exposure to the negative opinions.

Yeah I think one of the things that bothered me a lot was how adamant she was about wanting and *needing* to kink shame people in general. But yes I believe it’s best to keep my lifestyle private but thankfully having this forum lets me open up to others who are in it.  Thank you for the response!!

Edited March 6, 2023 by babi.bri

[Cebakes]

Unfortunately, due to the large number of websites, personals, images, videos, only fans, etc.,, the darker side of DDLG or misconceptions are out there. Everything bad you can imagine is out there to watch or engage in.  Right?  People who are down on DDLG have possibly seen or read these negative things.  They have no idea that people use DDLG as a coping mechanism or what a daddy or caregiver can provide.  Some can be educated, many will be close minded. 

This topic or question is now coming up multiple times per week on the forum.  From personal experience, my old middle had three true best friends. These were nice normal educated young professionals. They certainly were not overly sexually experienced nor involved in kink in any way.   They are pretty conservative and that is fine.

 S and I were together for almost 4 years and they could never understand why and they always pounded on her to end our relationship due to the age gap. 
Her telling them about DDLG was never going to happen. For those working and surrounded by mostly vanilla or conservative peeps,  discussing this lifestyle isn’t going to be something your family, besties, friends, work peers, etc will be able to get their arms around. 

From a personal perspective, I don’t have the need at this point in my life to discuss my lifestyle or share involvement with DDLG to many people.  I’m most attracted to women who think DDLG is hot or they want to learn more about it.  I can usually size up pretty quickly if a woman is open to chatting about DDLG, or that topic is taboo-not something to be brought up.