Mentorship?

[AlittleODD]

Hi Everyone! Sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place, I never know where to put things. It’s kinda stressful.

 

ANYWAY

 

I was wondering if someone would please explain to me what a mentor is/ does? I know the basic definition of the word but I don’t really understand how it works in context… I hope that makes sense.

 

What would be amazingly helpful is if you could give me a hypothetical scenario of a mentor-mentee interaction, so I can sort of paint a mental picture of how it works.

 

Sorry if I am overcomplicating this. 😳

 

Thanks in Advance!!

 

 

[Floatyduck14]

A mentor is basically like a teacher. Mentors don’t have degrees or certificates. They just have experience. And they pass their experience down to you. So in this sense a mentor could be a caregiver who shows you how to navigate the community, or any other person. They are usually also a friend or confidant. Basically a close friend that is also a guide. 

[Erasmeus71]

Mentor/Teacher someone that guides you. They would help lead. For example if I was with you I would advise what is good for you. It is better to have a female to have your teacher/mentor.  Now you date someone he could advise but he could take advantage of you. That is why they suggest a female.

[Johnny5]

Hello!  Floatyduck14 is correct.  More often than not, a mentor is someone who is there to offer advice and direction.  They can teach you many things along the way and be a great person for you to talk to about anything.  Very much like a more experienced best friend.  The relationship is more of a leading/guiding dynamic.  It is usually platonic.  But just like everything else in bdsm, you get to make it the way you want.  Be safe and have fun!

[Erasmeus71]

4 minutes ago, Johnny5 said:

Hello!  Floatyduck14 is correct.  More often than not, a mentor is someone who is there to offer advice and direction. 

Why is writing usually don't express the same way? My writing ability is terrible.

[AlittleODD]

Thank you all for your replies! This is definitely WAY less formal than I was making it in my head 😄 

Edited February 26, 2023 by AlittleODD

[Guest NaturalFlowerBaby]

16 minutes ago, AlittleODD said:

Thank you all for your replies! This is definitely WAY less formal than I was making it in my head 😄 

be careful who you pick and don't let them scare you into choosing them. 

Edited February 26, 2023 by NaturalFlowerBaby

[AlittleODD]

7 minutes ago, NaturalFlowerBaby said:

be careful who you pick and don't let them scare you into choosing them. 

Wonderful advice! Are there any red Flags you look out for specifically?

Edited February 26, 2023 by AlittleODD

[Guest NaturalFlowerBaby]

2 minutes ago, AlittleODD said:

Wonderful advice! Any red flags 

There is a good red flag listed on this site , if you haven't read that yet. I'd also 100% recommend to look up the term "grooming" or predator grooming, physiological grooming etc and read up on that. 

I'm not an expert or physiologist so take this as you will. For me also I found that there are a couple things that turn out bad. #1 they lay it on how many bad guys and situations there are out there, everyone is bad but them, etc, they might make promises that they will help you avoid getting hurt, etc. They want you to reply totally on them, etc.  #2 they are open about some ways they are bad and naughty, hoping to intrigue you or disarm you with.."well at least they are honest about this so they must be upfront and honest person." but its kind of a trap if that makes sense. 

Also watch for things that are there to serve as how far they can push and rattle you, what they can get away with, etc.How much they can exploit your trust in them. 

 Outside of just also suggesting you learn about your triggers and self coping styles, I will leave it at this hoping its not too heavy already. Hope it helps at all. Make sure you have fun  

[Actual Valentine]

It is meow meow! A meow that is a meow that acts as a meow and has the role of a meow, presumably a meowing meow and not some half meowing meow. *wise nods and old chinese monk whiskers stroke*

So! A mentor. There's many definitions but the core concept has pretty much been explained as far as I read all the comments. Lemme chime in with whatever I have to say and I am sorry if I end up repeating someone else by mistake!

A mentor is a person who has knowledge and is willing to share that knowledge with you. They are your " Because " people. Those who give you an answer to a question and then they explain to you both sides or all sides possible of the answer. They are a person who will give you an answer to your question based on their own experience and based on the experience they've seen others have according to the results you want to have. It is VEWY important that you remember, however, that, mentors albeit similar to teachers, are NOT certified. Considering how fluctuating BDSM is, they can only give you information based on certain knowledge. WHICH IS WHY you should always remember that:
Advice, is something of a bonus option. It is not 100% accurate, it may or may not work, it may or may not produce results, it should be taken and applied with the knowledge that it is your own responsibility to do as you were advised, knowing that it is not 100% certain.

 

[shadowrider]

As always some good points and advice coming from our members.

 In my humble opinion a mentor would be someone who, like a DD, MD, CG, partner, or whatever label you like, wants to help you be the best version of yourself you can be. The difference would be that the only thing they should expect in return is that they get to experience your growth and triumphs with you. Neither party should be expecting all the things that you would share with a partner because they are not a partner. Your partner can be a mentor but I don't think that's the scenario you were asking about.

If you are thinking about getting a mentor first I would make a list of several things.

Something like this.

Why do I need/want a mentor?

• I want to figure our my little space triggers

What do I expect from my mentor?

• Their time
• I expect them to help me discover what I can use to help me get into little space. ( A mentor will have ideas of things that might help if they are familiar with the result you are after)

What can my mentor expect from me?

• My time
• A willingness to listen and try their suggestions
• I will share every triumph and breakthrough with them so they can share in my journey and progress

What my mentor cannot expect

this is totally tailorable

• My unfailing obedience/submission
• Pics and or video chats
• Touching
• sadly these need to be discussed up front with a lot of people

Then ask any possible candidates what they offer and expect in return. Do they have real life experience or just read a lot? 

As always take things slow and listen to your gut/instincts. If something doesn't feel right walk away.

 

[AlittleODD]

@shadowrider Thank you so much! That was exactly the kind of breakdown that I needed to really grasp the concept. I feel so much more confident about reaching out to people and having realistic expectations for both sides of the situation. You have helped so much!! 

[AlittleODD]

@NaturalFlowerBabyIt wasn't too heavy! Trying to balance being safe and practical with being open and vulnerable enough to make a  connection with a stranger behind a screen has been a struggle for me. It is a serious topic and I really appreciate your serious and thoughtful answer! Thank you.

[Cebakes]

If you are looking or talking with someone who is offering to be a mentor, take a hard close look at their life.  Make sure they have their shit together.  Look for honesty,  stable career and employment history, financial stability, no addictions, understand their relationship history,  are they open about their own issues, discuss their experience as a mentor, do they have the intelligence and life experiences to truly mentor you?  

You want someone who is a good listener and who can truly identify what you need, and what you think you need.  This person should be able to come up with plans to help you overcome issues, hit goals, etc.  They should be good with praise and affirmation, and hold you accountable as you strive to hit goals or overcome things. Make sure they really have the time and interest in helping you. Being a mentor certainly can extend into the real world and go well beyond DDLG. 

You probably want to have a deep discussion about expectations from both parties, and that will most likely lead to something in writing to help you grow. 

[Sloth Fairy]

If you're talking about a mentor as far as bdsm is concerned I've  seen it explained as it being typically between a sub and a sub. Or a Dom and a Dom. Like a more experienced sub would take someone, a sub, under their wing to have someone to talk to and be a guide for them. Not a Dom mentoring a sub.

[Erasmeus71]

You don't want a person that manipulates you or gas lights you that would be the wrong mentor. You need a person that would help you grow as a person to your full potential. You don't want a person that behaves like a drill sergeant trying to treat you like a private in a an Army,

[AlittleODD]

@Sloth Fairy I hadn't even considered that! Thanks for the input 😊

[AlittleODD]

@CebakesLol wow, I don't think my background check was that thorough   But you make an excellent point: Why trust someone to guide you into your future when they are not living by an example you want to follow. Thanks I will take that to heart going forward!

[Andriel_Isilien]

 All very good suggestions here! 👏 This community is great for that 😁

19 hours ago, NaturalFlowerBaby said:

There is a good red flag listed on this site , if you haven't read that yet. I'd also 100% recommend to look up the term "grooming" or predator grooming, physiological grooming etc and read up on that. 

 

This was the first to come to my mind on this topic. Be wary about the difference between mentoring and grooming. Both mentor and mentee need to have boundaries to keep appropriate distance during the "mentoring" and not have personal feelings get involved. Unforeseen accidents happen, even with the best of intentions. Make sure to communicate expectations and concerns about this no matter how small or silly. it's always good to put that conversation on the table just in case because no one is a mind reader.

[Punographer]

7 hours ago, Sloth Fairy said:

If you're talking about a mentor as far as bdsm is concerned I've  seen it explained as it being typically between a sub and a sub. Or a Dom and a Dom. Like a more experienced sub would take someone, a sub, under their wing to have someone to talk to and be a guide for them. Not a Dom mentoring a sub.

@Sloth FairySo glad you pointed this out! I was slowly reading down the list and was delighted when you wrote that!

I just wanted to note that in kink mentors can also decide to partake on the role of a protector where they vet any potential play partners or any persons interested in a dynamic. In my time in the community, I didn't see much of a mentor/mentee relationship. I am not surprised by this as it is a big ask of someone even in the vanilla world. Although if you have content creators in this space, they can also be your mentor. You don't necessarily have to know and speak with someone to learn from them and be mentored. Tons of people see Oprah as their mentor but have never even met her! Evie Lupin is a popular educator but maybe not so ddlg focused. There is a thread some where on here with ddlg YouTubers.

I would say start making friends of the same role type or even join a ddlg server. There are some awesome servers that provide resources and support for a safe space to learn in. You may find people that get you, want to be your friend and want to protect you because that's what friends do. 

[Erasmeus71]

Well we do have in here one group that is just for littles. Another is for those that are Caregiver/Daddy types. The caregiver cafe is for the dominant. Then there is little space group to talk amongst each other.

[Barney048]

Okay so, since all has been anwsered already, I'll just point out some potential issues. 

First of all, at the beggining it's best if you learn on your own, there's plenty of resources. Just so that you get a base of the lifestyle. As you do feel free to ask as many questions as you can muster up on the forum. Then I reccommend you join munches and discuss the lifestyle/kinks with a group of likeminded people. 

A mentor can be a very toxic influence if he/she is not chosen carefully. Don't just go picking someone out because you have a good opinion of them. Evaluate how people in the community see them, how they interact with others, their additude and so on. Just cause someone "knows a lot" and has been engaging in BDSM for a long time, does not mean he/she would make a good mentor.

 

A mentor won't really "teach" you much, the learning process is something that's majorly up to you. Your mentor will listen to you,  reaffirm your emotions and guide you appropriately. When I started out in the lifestyle I didn't have a mentor, tho in retrospective I wish I had. In your first couple of dynamics it's hard to admit to yourself certain things and you feel compelled to do whatever you think would make your partner happy, so you often ignore that lil voice at the back of your head. 

[Guest NaturalFlowerBaby]

On 2/26/2023 at 7:45 AM, AlittleODD said:

@NaturalFlowerBabyIt wasn't too heavy! Trying to balance being safe and practical with being open and vulnerable enough to make a  connection with a stranger behind a screen has been a struggle for me. It is a serious topic and I really appreciate your serious and thoughtful answer! Thank you.

I thin that's healthy! you should respect the weight that has. Add to that , that it's  strangers behind a screen. Of course that should warrant some caution. Don't ever feel bad for that. Keep reassessing where you are at and what you want. 

 

again this is just opinion, decide for yourself in your own time, verify, etc.   

Edited February 28, 2023 by NaturalFlowerBaby

[bigkidagain]

On 2/26/2023 at 12:44 AM, shadowrider said:

As always some good points and advice coming from our members.

 In my humble opinion a mentor would be someone who, like a DD, MD, CG, partner, or whatever label you like, wants to help you be the best version of yourself you can be. The difference would be that the only thing they should expect in return is that they get to experience your growth and triumphs with you. Neither party should be expecting all the things that you would share with a partner because they are not a partner. Your partner can be a mentor but I don't think that's the scenario you were asking about.

If you are thinking about getting a mentor first I would make a list of several things.

Something like this.

Why do I need/want a mentor?

• I want to figure our my little space triggers

What do I expect from my mentor?

• Their time
• I expect them to help me discover what I can use to help me get into little space. ( A mentor will have ideas of things that might help if they are familiar with the result you are after)

What can my mentor expect from me?

• My time
• A willingness to listen and try their suggestions
• I will share every triumph and breakthrough with them so they can share in my journey and progress

What my mentor cannot expect

this is totally tailorable

• My unfailing obedience/submission
• Pics and or video chats
• Touching
• sadly these need to be discussed up front with a lot of people

Then ask any possible candidates what they offer and expect in return. Do they have real life experience or just read a lot? 

As always take things slow and listen to your gut/instincts. If something doesn't feel right walk away.

 

I like your suggestion. I'm a new little/middle. I'm unsure about the parent role. And not sub or submissive or into spanking. But I did have dad figures growing up. I miss that aspect in my life. But I don't see daddy as a sexual aspect.