"Submissive littles"?

[nekocat1984]

So, I had a total unexpected reaction yesterday, and I surprised myself!!!  I have learned that whenever those "big feelings" surface, there is something there to investigate and unpack, and something to learn from!

Someone told me that I was a "sub" and *not* a "little"

I don't know why but that *shattered* me, and I reacted in a really big way!  I was told that a submissive would stand in a corner obediently before a punishment, or that a submissive would do as she's told or that a submissive would wait to speak until spoken to.... But not a little.

I was also told that my preference for "Sir" instead of "Daddy" was a sign I wasn't a little.

I had a total meltdown! I went into a panic and cried and fell apart!  I didn't understand. Why couldn't I be a "Good" little? Why couldn't I just be the "Good girl" ? I was a little! I wanted to be *good* and a good little would do what she's told right? Why did it have to mean I wasn't really a little?

And I don't just throw out the term "daddy" that easily.....  I can't just call anyone daddy, but my preference for "Sir" is because in my mind, a "Good girl" would answer with "Yes Sir" or "No Sir"

..... I felt so invalidated and worked up, trying to explain that I was a little but submissive too!

It's like it invalidated everything,  Here I am surrounded by my stuffies and happy cute things and feeling like myself and still wanting to be that "Good little girl"  And then being told I'm not little because I'm too submissive and obedient, or not pouty enough....

One can be a submissive and a little right? Lack of poutiness doesn't have to take away from it right?

I feel like there's a time to pout and play and it just felt like if I've done something wrong.... That's not one of those times..... 

Am I wrong? Or is there a better way to look at things?


 

[Sloth Fairy]

I'm sorry they said that. You are a little if you identify as one, It's that simple. That person was wrong. This is not some formula you follow. Theres no cookie cutter prerequisites that make someone a little. There are so many different types of littles. There are subs who are littles/ littles that are subs. Whoever said that to you is very misinformed and should keep their opinions to themselves. They are doing more harm with their rigid ideas. It's kind of laughable that they said you aren't pouty enough. Apparently this person wants a brat? Not everyone wants a brat. Some people want someone who is more obedient as a little. It's all preferences 

 

 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Sloth Fairy

[MissNMTX]

My first inclination is to ask you how much experience with "littles" this person has. As a submissive and a middle I'm calling BS on this. Is it messy can parts of myself overlap and confuse the heck out of me. Sure. That only means there are multiple layers to who you are as a person. That's all. My biggest complaint about the kink community in general is the insistent need to put labels on things and try to make people fit in boxes.

In reality, all anyone wants is to be understood and loved. I'm sorry that person was so limiting to you.

[Andriel_Isilien]

There is a reason you feel connected to the term "little" and it is what YOU make it. You are a little because you say so, not because of someone else's interpretation or labels. You can most certainly use "Sir" instead of "Daddy" as you explained your preferences. Please don't feel like you aren't valid because of that. One can be a little and not a sub, a little and a sub, or a sub and not a little. You make your identity your own. 

[Fuego]

Everyone has their own interpretation of these terms, and that was simply that person's interpretation. You can certainly hear our their reasoning, but you shouldn't let them project their interpretation of what a  little is, onto you. 

 

Be strong and be confident that your littleness is yours and yours alone. You by no means have to fit into someone else definition. 

[Guest SnowMan_Baby]

I consider myself a little... some consider me submissive, and I don't mind that... so there... I am a submissive little. I will take that and have fun with it.

[Guest]

Oh hun! Let me tell you what! First of all, this just broke my heart!  NO ONE has the right to tell you what it it's you feel yourself to be. And NO ONE has the right to tell you that you are not those things! As mentioned above, only you can define what it is you are. There is no right or wrong way in my opinion. 

As for submission and being a submissive. You can be a little and not be submissive. You can be a submissive and have a "strong" personality. And the guidelines of what you do or allowed to do as such is between you and your Daddy/mommy/Dom. No one else. A submissive and a "slave" (am I allowed to say that here?) are also two different things. So when you define yourself as one it doesn't have to be and isn't the same as me or anyone else here.  Find someone you trust and ask questions. Learn, learn, learn. And relax! Enjoy your little self! 

I hope this helps! People that have no clue or high opinions of themselves are usually the ones that say these type of things. Just breath and ignore them. 

 

[Little kaiya]

Whoever told you that needs to take a long walk off a short pier. You are who you are and if someone else wants to try and define you, well, ignore them.

I'm a little, a collared sub and a strong A type personality at work. People are more than just labels, be true to yourself and you can't lose.

[Vampiress]

This person who made you feel invalidated is very uneducated on the subject and should not be speaking about it as if they are an expert on the subject. I am sorry they made you feel that way, but they are absolutely wrong and do not understand this type of lifestyle at all.

Some littles are submissives, some are not. Some littles are brats, switches, dominants. One does not negate the other, you can be any combination of these things or just be one of these things. You can be one of these things in a specific headspace, and change headspace and be something else. They can also overlap. The beautiful thing is there is no "one size fits all." Make this what you want, and don't let someone else bring you down, because you are valid as a little and whatever else you want to be.

[nekocat1984]

Thank you so so much everyone for your validation and reassurance, it helps immensely and I've calmed down and feel a bit better now.... I feel okay again.

I'd like to make a clarification on a couple of things though and answer a question or two.  The person who said this didn't *mean* to say anything hurtful, and is actually a good friend, and I want to make sure that he's not just thrown under the bus because I got hurt feelings, when it wasn't on purpose.  The last thing in the world I would want is to cause an otherwise good and supportive friend to be chewed out just because something hurtful was said unintentionally....   I know that I've accidentally hurt feelings in the past without intending to, and it felt awful.  So yes, the words really hurt... and I really did feel invalidated, but it wasn't on purpose.

He's "familiar" with littles, but I think he's probably only had experience with a certain type of little in certain types of situations. There was probably a lot of other misunderstandings and miscommunication surrounding the whole thing....  and things got patched up again between us....

But I think just barely "coming out" as a little for lack of a better way to phrase it, and being so new myself, I was likely feeling extra extra sensitive, insecure, and fragile in that moment.  The fact I'm not only submissive  but also don't know how to advocate for myself very well or speak up probably didn't help things either.

That was just such a weird brand new moment for me and maybe now that I've experienced it, and have heard from everyone here, I'll be able to be more put together if it happens again so thank you so so much everyone.

But yes, please know it was unintentional on their part, they are still good people, it wasn't on purpose....  I just still had some "big feelings" from it and needed help which everyone was so kind enough to give here, thank you!!!!

[Vampiress]

At least on my part, I wasn't saying they were bad, but despite the lack of intention they were still wrong and are uneducated on the subject. I hope they take this incident as a cue to educate themselves further, or to at least withold from saying anything so definitively about something they don't have enough information about. I'm glad you've sorted it out, and have been able to maintain your friendship.

[Sweet Lil Buttercup]

I’m so glad you have both your friend and this community to help you through this journey of self-discovery and all of the big feelings that come with it. 

First off, we are all a multitude of identities and “labels” that are shaped by the discoveries we make as our experiences help uncover them. For example, I am a submissive who is a little and sometimes brat, but only when I feel safe enough to do so. Then on top of that, it truly depends on the situation who comes out first and takes the lead. At work, I’m a self-starting, collaborating, type A that pushes others to do their absolute best.

You are who you are, and you like what you like. It just a matter of figuring it what those things are. The only person that has a say in that is you. 

Lastly, I hope you feel comfortable enough to discuss this with your friend. I hope your friend makes you feel safe enough to share with them what you shared with us. Please help them understand that being a little doesn’t mean that you cannot also be a submissive and doesn’t mean that you have to be a brat. 

I always frame things as “hurtful” or “helpful.” You can them that though they meant to be helpful, they were in fact extremely hurtful and caused you emotional distress.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day ❤️

[MissNMTX]

@nekocat1984 I'm glad so many here have been able to help. As for your updated post, I'm glad that you and your friend are ok. I'm even glad they were "trying to help". My best advice really is to learn for yourself about yourself.

It's the strangest thing, but in my experience embracing your submissive side more may actually help you learn to be a stronger advocate for yourself. You will have your limits and boundaries. You are absolutely allowed to have them! Nothing negates boundaries.

A vast majority of the s types here, regardless of label are A types in our "real life, grown up" worlds. It all works and it's all messy. Learn, grow, and be true to yourself.

[Sloth Fairy]

As with anything on here people respond to the information given based on their own interpretation of what was written. I'm glad to hear that it was a friend and that they didn't mean it to be mean. 

There is often people who have these rigid ideas about ddlg and what is right or wrong so I responded based on that. 

[nekocat1984]

15 hours ago, MissNMTX said:

It's the strangest thing, but in my experience embracing your submissive side more may actually help you learn to be a stronger advocate for yourself. You will have your limits and boundaries. You are absolutely allowed to have them! Nothing negates boundaries.

This is one of my problems...   My submissive side combined with my people pleasing nature makes having boundaries super super extremely difficult for me! I've had to work really hard to get them where they are now... 

[Kuri_Rose]

It feels that the guy who told you you aren't a little is someone who perscribes to the "one true way" of D/s and there just isn't. I know a lot of littles who are also submissive, but I also know just as many who are "brats" and even some Dominant littles. Its just figuring out how the dynamic works. 

I'm a little with more slave like traits but my core is little and I work best in a dynamic that is CG/little based with some D/s mixed in. And for me personally, when I'm extra pouty or resistant there's an underlying reason to it. 

I can have times of sassiness, but if I get a look or a tone that I interpret as them being disappointed or angry, I'll break down crying just as easily. 

But that's just my personality. I'm not someone who would do well being the Dominant in the relationship. And playful back talking or teasing is fine but to have the label of brat doesn't fit me either. 

I'm just me and you're just you. You're more than valid being a submissive good girl little. The only person who assign labels to you is you and it sounds like your inner child reacted out of fear, and that's a valid fear especially if there are issues with abandonment ect. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you're able to find someone who loves and accepts your good girl self. 

[Daddyprof]

I completely agree with all the folks who jumped in to question the statements this person made.  No one gets to decide who or what you are, or what you are “supposed” to like or not, except for you.  And that applies even to the most submissive of girls.  It sounds like this person has their own preconceived notions that he is imposing on the rest of the world.  The world has enough problems without people imposing their views on it!  I would encourage you not to get hung up on labels.  Little, Submissive? Unicorn?  It’s whatever you like, and there is a spectrum across all of these words and concepts.  Half the fun of it is the discovery of where you fit, without always having to be the round peg in the round hole.  🙂  So be the little girl you want to be!