CG Advice Wanted please :)

[honeybee7]

For a little context, me and my D have defined our relationship as a bf-gf vanilla couple who indulges in bdsm for the whole of our relationship. I’ve known about this community for at least 4 years and while i dont ID as a brat irl, i ID as one internally if that makes sense.

anyways. my D and i don’t have labels for each other and in the past has said he doesn’t want to be called daddy, which is fine by me as i would prefer other names to call him. he calls me baby, which i absolutely adore, as well as my nickname on here. he’s been open and accepting and enthusiastic about other kinks we’ve explored (the more “socially common” ones, like S&M, choking, ropes, and overall D/s dynamic). more info can be read in my other post. in short, he does the best job ever of protecting me, providing for me, respecting my needs and wants, and is my everything.

my main reason for sharing this with him is because i feel that (if it’s smth that fits him too) it could enrich how both of us interact by being able to fully understand the community, the dynamics that take place, and the different rules and standards there are. i could be able to share with him this forum, wear all the most adorable clothes without worry of noticed in a bad way. he could experience domming in a way that goes into regular everyday life beyond what he already knows, smth i know he’s been interested in to a degree. we could have one less paper-thin layer between us, or at least that’s how i would feel. my hope is that it would bring us closer together and would fulfill both of us in ways that are new to us as a couple. 

however, he’s fairly new to bdsm and kinks, and i really don’t want to scare him off by asking him to be officially like my Dom. particularly because we just recently visited one of my very good friends who mentioned ddlg in a convo we had. i won’t include many details, but essentially my friend knows someone who’s writing a book slandering the ddlg community and why it’s a toxic, predatory thing to participate.

this is, to my knowledge, the first time my D has ever heard of the term ddlg. which is where my worry comes in— if he decided to do his own research into it, there’s a chance he’s read other articles that arent so open minded. or even if just hearing my friend’s friend’s negative opinion about ddlg is enough to creep him out. im really confused and i would really appreciate another CG’s advice as to how i can go about sharing this side of myself with him. i really feel encouraged in a lot of other aspects to share this part of myself, but i’m terrified of scaring him off or creeping him out. i know many might feel inclined to say “Bee, u know him best just sit down and hash it out” well, if only it were so easy. I could barely tell this man i thought he had attractive eyes without clamming up— let alone confess to him that i have a lifestyle that’s way taboo still. my apologies for the rly long read but thank u so much to those who have made it this far!

id really love any kind of advice from the perspective of CG who were new to the scene when they took on the responsibility and role of CG, but all advice is definitely definitely appreciated :3

 

glitter n hugs!

 

- Bee

[Cebakes]

Well unfortunately there is a small segment of the DDLG community that gives the majority a bad name.  It’s pretty small, but you do hear and read about it.  Even here, stories pop up on creepy dudes.  You should feel free to discuss it with him, describe what it means to you, and your vision of how you might incorporate it into your relationship.  He sounds like he has solid daddy traits.

Many prefer to keep aspects of their relationship and DDLG private.  It’s not something that is easily accepted if you don’t truly understand it, or have preconceived notions.  My middle S does not share the DDLG aspect of our relationship with her closet friends, and they literally talk about everything. 

I think if you want to find negative articles on DDLG you can find them, but almost all the articles out there explain it, versus judging DDLG.  

 

[beanbean]

well it sounds like you already have elements of ddlg your relaionship anyway, but the end of the day you  can not worry about what other people say ddlg is and just explane what you want and need out of it

[Sir Charlie]

Bee,

I myself am not a CG yet, but I can tell you that in the short time that I've been here that I've learned a lot from these wonderful people who share their knowledge and experiences. 

Generally, I would not be inclined to believe the words of someone who one-sidedly slanders a community which they are not even part of; it's not wise to believe rumors, as we know. The 'friend's friend' is clearly not educated, or may have some specific, personal reason to dislike DDLG that has not been addressed in a healthy way.

Yes: every community has its bad apples, and those people often end up being the reason we can't have nice things because the uninformed masses heard it first. But, it can be as simple as a dive into the community on social media to learn that there is a human side to this. You'll find that people spend half their time posting memes and plainly average life experiences; the other half is spent kindly sharing kink experiences with others. This is because we are not just Dominants, Submissives, Caregivers, Littles, Middles, Pets, etc.-- we're human beings. Our kinks do not define us, nor possess us. We have souls; we have consciences. We are not out to hurt anyone- quite the opposite, I'm sure- and those who do will no longer have a welcome place in the community.

We are not monsters. All it takes to learn that is the willingness to learn. Hope this was helpful. ✌️

[MissNMTX]

Hi Bee,

I'm not a CG, but I have been in your shoes and I think you've already been given some very good advice here. I just feel like chiming in...LoL.

I remember when I first heard about DDlg and being told it might be a good fit for me...I freaked and I was even a bit insulted.  This is my 3rd time on the forum over a number of years. I didn't know about middles then, now I do and it makes more sense why I was told that. 

Will your Bf do research and run across negative stories... probably. Negative is part of life. For me, the beautiful thing about D/s dynamics is you can make them WHATEVER you want! Whatever titles, rules, power dynamics... WHATEVER! It's between the two of you. Your relationship. So, yes I'm going to be cliche and say talk to him. You're relationship seems healthy. Talk it out, negotiate. I think you might be surprised. I'm rooting for you!

[honeybee7]

On 2/21/2023 at 3:09 AM, Sir Charlie said:

Bee,

I myself am not a CG yet, but I can tell you that in the short time that I've been here that I've learned a lot from these wonderful people who share their knowledge and experiences. 

Generally, I would not be inclined to believe the words of someone who one-sidedly slanders a community which they are not even part of; it's not wise to believe rumors, as we know. The 'friend's friend' is clearly not educated, or may have some specific, personal reason to dislike DDLG that has not been addressed in a healthy way.

Yes: every community has its bad apples, and those people often end up being the reason we can't have nice things because the uninformed masses heard it first. But, it can be as simple as a dive into the community on social media to learn that there is a human side to this. You'll find that people spend half their time posting memes and plainly average life experiences; the other half is spent kindly sharing kink experiences with others. This is because we are not just Dominants, Submissives, Caregivers, Littles, Middles, Pets, etc.-- we're human beings. Our kinks do not define us, nor possess us. We have souls; we have consciences. We are not out to hurt anyone- quite the opposite, I'm sure- and those who do will no longer have a welcome place in the community.

We are not monsters. All it takes to learn that is the willingness to learn. Hope this was helpful. ✌️

Hi Sir Charlie,

 

wow!! can i just say ur message is so moving and it just makes me feel so… understood and recognized!! u summed it up perfectly because i think it’s easy for ppl to forget that we are more than just one identity we have lots of moving parts! i’m going to share your comment with my D if that is alright— u do a fantastic job of explaining!!

[Sir Charlie]

On 3/2/2023 at 12:15 PM, honeybee7 said:

Hi Sir Charlie,

 

wow!! can i just say ur message is so moving and it just makes me feel so… understood and recognized!! u summed it up perfectly because i think it’s easy for ppl to forget that we are more than just one identity we have lots of moving parts! i’m going to share your comment with my D if that is alright— u do a fantastic job of explaining!!

Aww, thank you. 😊 You do a fantastic job of complimenting. I choose my words carefully whenever I can, and always expressively. I'm glad it made you feel understood. You've proven the point: our preferences are not our whole identities.

You may definitely share it with him. I hope he finds it enlightening and that it helps to bring you two that much closer together in your journey. Best wishes. 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Sir Charlie