My ex and I split up due to her not understanding the concept of a DD/LG dynamic. How to better explain it in a way that avoids dogma from other BDSM circles wrongly placed on the dynamic?

[AsbestosXposure]

As the title states, my ex of 8 months and I decided to go our separate ways over me wanting to get back into the dynamic as I'd been out of practice for well, 8 months. She was visibly uncomfortable at the mention of the topic and when I tried to delve into a deeper explanation she got up and stormed out of the place we were enjoying dinner (up to that point).

It's not that she has no experience with the BDSM scene as a whole, I think its more to do with what she may have conceptualized or was made to conceptualize DDLG as. What's a "proper" route to go about this with a significant other. Is there one? For those who's relationships did not start as DDLG, how did you discuss it with your partner?

Thanks.

[Little kaiya]

There is no one way to approach a conversation with a partner other than really focusing on being open and honest.

It may be that your ex just isn't interested in DDlg, not everyone is into it.

For my Wife, my Daddy and I we just sat down and discussed it as adults outside of any type of dynamic. We discussed interests and boundaries and here we are over 5 years later happier than ever.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Little kaiya

[beanbean]

yes being honest is important, you  just have to lay your cards on the table and tell them what your thinking and explane why you want to do it. but it really is not for everyone and thats okay too

[Andriel_Isilien]

My only advice about the "proper way" is to be honest and respectful. You first have to know yourself well enough to what you can give and expect in return. Then you can communicate that to your partner. Be ready for their response to possibly reject as they are entitled to their feelings. Respect it and move on if you have to. Having this desire for such a lifestyle is really hard to have turned down. I see it as; this lifestyle is so important to me and those who care about who I am a person wouldn't mind. Those who do have a problem, I doubt I should keep them in my inner circle of confidants. This is my well-being we are talking about and who is worth maintaining close contact with. 

[Guest NaturalFlowerBaby]

It might be more that she wasn't receptive or interested. It can feel pretty terrible to feel like someone is pushing something that you decided you aren't into. Even if the intention feels well meaning for you. 

Edited February 24, 2023 by NaturalFlowerBaby

[daddyplaysdirty]

I think much of your problem may stem from your respective perceptions of the dd/lg dynamic and the real world implications it puts on the table.  Each of us is going to tweak what it means to us individually.  I'm by no means into the extreme definition and prefer to moderate any application of the dynamic to the specific relationship.  I think it's important to not only be honest and up front about what it does and does not mean to you personally but to also be considerate and open minded to what it means to your partner.  It's only going to be mutually gratifying if both of you meet on a commonly accepted and discussed dynamic.

[Actual Valentine]

Well! Here's some advice from your favorite cat.

First and foremost, when you do meet someone, it's good that you start to communicate things through out whatever it is that interest you. Rather than than suddenly bringing it up or talking about it after you've gotten together, whenever the topic of sex comes up for whatever it is reason (and yes, friends especially people who are seeking a potential partner should talk about sex, it is healthy) you are welcome to mention it! In fact, there's nothing wrong with diving into each other's deeper desires and such. 

Now whether she had X understanding compared to Y understanding, BDSM as a whole despite being a thing for A LONG time, still holds some sort of stereotypes and also misunderstandings. But those misunderstandings are often.. not misunderstandings but rather, lack of knowledge if you wanna put it like that. Cause there's no specific way for things to work when it comes to these dynamics. It all falls down to whatever rules you want to create, apply, use, remove, etc. Its also not really something that is a " must " in one's life either. Love in general is already difficult enough as it is, friendship is probably even harder cause that's the first step and then diving into deeper things, yeah, it's difficult, it's rough, it's not as simple as people make it out to be. Especially since humans are extremely complex, more than they realize themselves, more than we have researched to be up until this point and so on.

That is to say, you shouldn't give up on your desire to find a dynamic but you have to understand that love is an addition to your life. And for it to work, both parties need to consent to it happening in one way or another. I mean, I know you probably know this already but it doesn't hurt to remind! 

If she didn't want a relationship like that, that's fine. You shouldn't push her, she shouldn't force herself, those aren't things that should happen. And if she's your ex now, that's fine. There's a billion people out there. Italians have a saying that goes " Closing one door leads to opening a whole gate instead " for when it comes to possibilities. I know that loneliness hurts (not being alone, that's different) and that its hard to do things in life when important and crucial parts of what we need are missing but it's never a bad idea to move on instead of trying to force something to work.

That said, I wish you a meow meow.

[MarshmallowPeep]

Like some people have mentioned here, DD/LG is really not for everyone. You can give the best, most understanding, and honest explanation of it to someone, but if they're not interested in it or have already existing biases about it, then there's little you can do to change their mind. That is the reality you should always be prepared for.

Because certain prejudices exist out there, the best way to explain it is by including the basics of BDSM.
That means putting an emphasis that it is a consensual act, between adults, done for [insert whatever reason you personally have for indulging in DDLG, like comfort, coping, etc.]. Give a few examples that are tame, especially if you don't know how big the person's understanding or knowledge is, or if you know they're completely new to it. Then when you have tested the waters that way you can include some of the more complicated dynamic explanations.
Tame examples for any outsider is usually just explaining that one protects while the other one is protected and cared for, the nicknames, and explaining how some things are an indulgence. I found it that if you describe certain comfort things Littles need as an "indulgence" in "something nostalgic and comforting" people can relate to it. It's how I explain the love for plushies, candies, and other typically "childlike" things I enjoy.

A way I have explained it to a friend who was entirely new to it was "It's a way for adults to re-explore their child side in a safe way and find comfort, while the other party ENJOYS the responsibility of caring and protecting someone." Though, this explanation is more personal to me, because this is how my partner and I experience it. 

[Cebakes]

Generally, when l’ve had that discussion with a woman, she’s usually heard the word daddy dom, and it’s been established that she is interested in hearing my version.  It’s probably not something you blurt out until you have a real good feel for their views of kinks and lifestyles.  I also don’t use terms like little girl or princess until appropriate, if at all.  

When I tell a women that I am a daddy Dom, I tell them that I enjoy giving women, attention, direction, praise, guidance, affection, and discipline.  If needed I will help them with goals, careers, etc.  Generally they say yeah, that sounds pretty cool…

I also tell them that it involves a lots of silliness and laughter and can be looked at as an escape from day to day, demands and stresses.  In my dynamics, it’s part of a d/s relationship.    

 

 

 

Edited February 24, 2023 by Cebakes

[Erasmeus71]

You know I am not sure why it is so uncomfortable. For example, I a gentleman opens the door for you anyways. They hold your hand when you date. Although the gentlemen practice is let the woman order first which is exactly what I tried to do. My The girl I was that ended up being my fiancé wore pink a lot. She loved which is a pastel color. Now some woman might still wear  a dress still but not all the time. A guy might pick out where to go. I did ask if she wanted to go someplace. That is common practice. Also the restaurant. I soon realized she wanted me doing the choosing and picking out her outfits. I just said it this way. How about you wear a skirt next date in a suggestive way. Not what color. Not saying she had to wear it. Be in mind I did not know anything about DDLG at time.

Edited February 25, 2023 by Erasmeus71
misspellings, words left out.

[Guest UnicornPuff]

This is slightly off topic, but relevant in a way. The stigma of what people think the dynamic is versus what it is for us is ever prevailing. I am 35 and my mother “accidentally” found out I am part of this site and had a whole host of ugly things to say to me.  I say “accidentally” because she would never have known if she had been minding her own business — but that’s a whole other thing. People have uninformed ideas and there is no prevailing. I do suggest you try to lppk for someone in the community, as it would be easier on you emotionally. I have been lucky in finding a very loving partner within the dynamic. I wish you all the best.

[Cebakes]

16 hours ago, Jayniepuff said:

This is slightly off topic, but relevant in a way. The stigma of what people think the dynamic is versus what it is for us is ever prevailing. I am 35 and my mother “accidentally” found out I am part of this site and had a whole host of ugly things to say to me.  I say “accidentally” because she would never have known if she had been minding her own business — but that’s a whole other thing. People have uninformed ideas and there is no prevailing. I do suggest you try to lppk for someone in the community, as it would be easier on you emotionally. I have been lucky in finding a very loving partner within the dynamic. I wish you all the best.

No it is certainly relevant and the stigma attached to DDLG by some,  comes up somewhat frequently here.  I would not expect your mom to understand, nor would I expect my kids to ever understand me being in a DDLG relationship.  It’s hard to understand unless you are in it.  That must have been so awkward…welp
 

[Guest UnicornPuff]

6 hours ago, Cebakes said:

No it is certainly relevant and the stigma attached to DDLG by some,  comes up somewhat frequently here.  I would not expect your mom to understand, nor would I expect my kids to ever understand me being in a DDLG relationship.  It’s hard to understand unless you are in it.  That must have been so awkward…welp
 

Unfortunately, it is still awkward when she makes snide comments.

[SmolAetherr]

"it's kinky roleplay" thats how to best explain it, but is people are set against something then no amount of explanations will change their mind

[Barney048]

Sigh man, you can't make someone be into something they are simply not. The first time I heard about DDLG and BDSM I was immediately drawn to it because I felt I could relate to it. When I try dating I talk about BDSM/DDLG same as anything else you do in the "getting to know eachother" phase, I just don't do it in a thirsty way.

If that's a red flag for her than so be it, I won't try to overexplain myself to her, I will just emphasize that it's a big part of who I am and that any potential partner would have to accept that side of me as I am not willing to repress it.

Now I know that many people you date won't have much if any experiance with BDSM/DDLG or even see it as a negative thing due to "poor advertising", but that doesen't mean you should take it upon yourself to guide her into this world, teach her, try to convince her and so on. You simply have to present yourself and what BDSM means to you as best as you can. Afterwards it's up to her to learn and inquire about it, if she wants to be part of your life. 

 

So the "proper" route when going about these things is beigh honest with your potential partner as well as yourself, before things get too serious. Too often I see people compromising a part of who they are (be it DDLG or anything really) just because they really like a person. It rarely ends well.