Expectations that hold us back from building healthy dynamics/relationships

[DaddyUmbreon]

It’s easy for us to seek a partnership or to fall in love. I love romance and I sometimes consider myself a hopeless romantic. Oftentimes when we enter a new relationship we get wrapped up in the emotion and sometimes forget the reality of what a relationship takes and means. Especially in this dynamic, it can take a bit more. So for that, and continuing off of my last post, here are 7 expectations that hold us back from building a healthy relationship.

 

1. "With the right person, relationships will be easy"

Relationships can be very difficult especially for those of us who've been through some attachment wounding or other events or issues. We might struggle to understand our needs, fear abandonment, or not know how to communicate how we feel. Along with that, no 2 people are the same. Don’t mold your partner/relationship/dynamic on past relationships or partners. Furthermore, be honest with yourself and what your expectations and needs are. 

2. "My partner should always make me happy"

Our partners can contribute to our happiness, but they can't meet all of our needs. Believing this sets us up for disappointment and puts massive pressure on our partner. For this, it is good to have other support systems, with others and with self discovery and compassion towards yourself. 

3. "Love conquers all"

Romanticized ideas around relationships and love aren't actually helpful. Healthy relationships take commitment to learning active communication, conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and compromise.

4. "If someone loves you, they won't be attracted to anyone else”

This is a biological myth. Being in a relationship doesn't stop us from having natural human attraction. Having natural human attraction doesn’t mean that we are acting on it either. This takes trust and commitment and can vary also depending on the dynamic you are in, i.e. Poly or open relationships. Once again, communication is key to having all parties involved on the same page. 

5. "Sex is the most important thing in relationships"

For some people it might be. For other people, it's much less important. What's "most important" in any relationship is up to the values decided between partners. So communicate together. Talk of what your needs are. Know what each person values most and where there is some compromise. This dynamic, no matter the role, could mean and look different from one person to another. Some only roleplay it for fun, some for healing therapy, while others are age-players who see it as a large part of their identity, so it may be a kink oriented or not at all. 

6. "Love should feel like a fairy tale"

Authentic love involves vulnerability and a willingness to have difficult conversations about things like, but not limited to, finances, past trauma, our fears, and our regrets. This won't always feel good. It’s also not something that you just spill out. As you build your bond and trust, you learn and share bit by bit. 

7. "Jealousy is a sign my partner loves me"

Jealousy is a natural emotion, but extreme jealousy (controlling behavior, invading privacy, and intense questioning) are signs of a person's own insecurities, not a reflection of their love. This is a thin line that sometimes excuses are made for it when we are also blinded with love. Set your boundaries. Communicate and look after your own safety and security. Take it from me, I can get jealous, however I trust my partner and I don’t put my headspace into a worst case scenario. I respect them and any boundaries they have. 

 

In summary, communication, honesty, trust, and taking the time to learn and get to know each other are key. Don’t rush into things just because  it feels too good. Do the work and make sure it is what you both want. Think of it as swimming in new waters. Take it slow. You don’t know what dangers or wonders lie beneath the surface. 

Also a simple disclaimer. I am not a licensed or trained therapist or psychologist, nor do I play one on TV. 🤪

Till next post, stay awesome! 😎 

 

Resources for this go include:

Traumageek.com

Frontiers in Psychiatry - www.frontiersin.org

Articles found in Scientific Research an Academic Publisher - scrip.org

Big credit to Dr. Nicole LaPera and her books “How to do the Work!” And “How to Meet Yourself!” where the majority of this came from. Follow her on Twitter @Theholisticpsyc and definitely check her books out. 

Edited January 22, 2023 by DaddyUmbreon

[J_Sophie]

The fourth one, despite knowing you're right, makes my brain hurt. 

[beanbean]

all this is very true just becuase  we are in relateonship does mean we can ever stop trying to improve it