As lost as ever

[Nina_doll]

Good morning, evening, or whatever time of the day it is when you’re reading this!

As a brief re-introduction, I go by Nina and I discovered this forum and this part of me two years ago (even though it feels like yesterday, time surely flies). I drifted away from everything since then, as this year has been very busy and I still have a hard time accepting it and finding a place where I feel comfortable enough where I can embrace it. I’m still as lost and confused (if not more) as I used to, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I know this is a process and that it’s just life, like with pretty much everything else. I know that I should just be patient and start exploring alone and first of all accept myself regardless of who I am (if I’m not hurting anyone, that is). But the problem is that I always feel like there’s something missing. Always. Specially when I’m in a relationship. I’ve never been sure how to bring my needs to my past partners, let alone saying something related to DDlg. I’ve always felt like too much and I have a hard time accepting that my needs are still needs and should be respected (although obviously no-one is obliged to fulfil them for me) and I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m scared to ask because I don’t wanna feel burdensome, and I’m tired of waiting even though I know no-one can read my mind and know what I want from just thinking about it. I’d say I’m pretty insecure (just in case no-one noticed haha) and I always assume that what I want is just not important at all. And I know this is something I need to start working on with myself first of all, but I can’t help but to want someone by my side who knows and respects and gives (and of course receives from me as well, but this is usually not a problem) without judgment and because they truly want to, without having to feel guilty for wanting and receiving anything from anyone. I don’t know how to bring any of this up as I fear to come across as weird, needy and just, somehow, disgusting and annoying. I just feel so disconnected from reality and I don’t know if this is part of the problem.

On top of that talking with people and knowing what/how they feel is extremely difficult for me, and I never know how to act around anyone because I don’t know how they might react to what I say or what I do. I speak without thinking sometimes, and I don’t realise I’ve said something wrong until later (if that ever arrives) since it’s never my intention to hurt but I can’t seem to know how to communicate appropriately and to make my thoughts come across how they feel and are in my head. I know I’m awkward and that I don’t have much to say most of the times. I know I say weird stuff out of nowhere and that people don’t know what to do or say to me. Which also makes me suppress this part of me even more because I don’t know if it will be well received (so far, trying to tentatively talk about it has not been very successful and I have always received some kind of rejected answer).

I thought I found someone I could be myself with but I tried to unmask a little bit and be my more vulnerable self, even if that meant making a (let’s say literal) Little step, but so far it has been rejected or cut off every single time. Which, in all honesty, doesn’t really help (and that’s fair enough anyway, since this is not for everyone and I understand 100%. I know it’s not their fault and I’d never blame them for anything). But I don’t even want to bring it up to them because I don’t want to be forcing this side of me to anyone. So I just put my big girl shoes back on and keep on with my day as well as I possibly can. I suppress everything as soon as I feel myself becoming excited about anything or highly sensitive because I know it’s not gonna be well received and it just makes me feel so so *so* bad every time I’m told to stop being like that (physically or verbally, even if it’s not with those exact words).

I don’t know, I’m just tired and all I want is some love and to know that what I’m asking for is not too much.

Anyway, I’m sorry for the rant. It’s just been in my head for such a long time now that I had to let it go somewhere...

If you made it this far thank you very very veeeeeeeeeery much for taking the time to read the words of a stranger. ꒰(･‿･)꒱ <3
I hope you have a very veeeeeery lovely day.

And happy new year to everyone!!!

[Vampiress]

There is no easy answer to this. I struggle with feeling like a burden and making needs known, but the only way you'll ever get anywhere is just by taking a deep breath and saying it. Even if it means just kind of saying it all and letting the chips fall where they may. Honestly, you explained it all just really well and if you had a potential partner you wanted to try this with or see how they feel I'd basically just give them everything you said. If you can't say it aloud just give it in writing. Then the ball is in their court to decide if they're open to it or not. You seem to know what you need to do... you know you need to communicate and take these steps, so now you just have to find the motivation. Sometimes it's as simple as making small adjustments to your routine and tryint to change the dialogue you have with yourself. Therapy could be helpful, too. Sometimes it helps to have someone in your corner guiding and helping you learn to remind yourself that you are worthy and your needs are important.

[beanbean]

well i think if you tried too be your self and were always rejected your instincts were right and there were sometthing missing . when you are talking cummuncate with people tell them what you need and how you are . the good thing about failing is we can learn things from them and it to good use the next time

[thelasteiko]

I have felt like this in one way or another for a good portion of my life. It sounds like you may be neurodivergent, as am I. You may want to see a therapist as @Vampiress suggested because a diagnosis will give you more information about how your brain works. For myself, the 'missing' feeling was due to not understanding my own biology. There is nothing 'missing', just different. It's not better or worse, just not the same, which also feels like being disconnected from the reality others experience.

I will share some points I've learned along the way in case some might help you.

The hardest thing I had to learn was how to love myself in the way I need when no one else will, and to love myself enough to accept myself when it feels like others reject me. I know the feeling of wanting someone around who will understand. But if no one is there, should I be miserable? I choose not to be, but I didn't get there by myself and I know that some people never get there.

Sometimes the rejection I feel is not a real rejection, it's my brain catastrophizing, so reasserting that there is nothing particularly wrong with me and that I am as worthy as the next person is important.

Sometimes people reject me because I do not reflect the person they thought I would be. I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for what goes on in their brain. If they cannot accept my harmless quirks, or at least work with me on how we can improve the situation, then the reality is, they do not want me, they want someone who is not me. Trying to please them is only going to produce heartache for both of us.

Wondering what others are thinking promotes anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Asking directly will answer the question. Even if the answer is not favorable then it's better to learn sooner rather than later because the longer you wait the more intense the negative feelings will be. If you do not know how other people are feeling and are worrying over it, ask. Most people appreciate the attention.

I give my best effort to produce a positive result. If the other person is offended and unwilling to communicate how they were hurt so we can work on making it better, that is then their failure because I have tried my best. The emotions of others are not my responsibility and trying to take them on just produces more anxiety.

On the other hand, the responses I have to my own emotions are my responsibility. If something another person is doing is causing a negative emotion, it's my responsibility to communicate that and try to work with them to find a solution. However, communicating in the heat of the moment hardly ever works out for me because my thoughts tend to be all over the place. Writing out what I want to say and how I want to say it allows me to process the emotion without unintentional outbursts.

Never attack a person, address the behavior.

Accepting that there are those that will never accept you is another difficult thing that is necessary. There are good and bad things about everyone. If you can accept that about other people than also accept that about yourself.

Oh well, I guess I ended up ranting too. Hope something here helps,

[Babyminette]

I relate to this so much too. I’ve always felt like I was different from others, I couldn’t always determine sarcasm or social cues, always felt like I never knew what to say so I stayed quiet, I would get extremely overwhelmed and overstimulated by school, or when things were changing and I had no control. I felt like I was missing something, then my mom told me a little over a year ago when I was growing up my therapist said I most likely am on the autism spectrum but she never said anything until that moment. I went through a lot of mixed emotions of feeling sorry for myself and wondering how things might be different if I was different. I thought about getting officially diagnosed, but realized that so far I’ve never let it stop me from accomplishing everything I can, and accepting what I can’t do. And the test is very expensive lol 😟 I believe everything happens for a reason so I wouldn’t change things because it brought me to where I am, which might not be exactly where I want but it’s a start. I also spent many years online dating trying to find someone that fit the “daddy” personality type (caring, loving, protective, etc) and I wound up with guys that came across as dominant but were actually just controlling and mean. Trying to find someone on a website like this could be better to take out the element of having to explain Ddlg as a whole, but I understand there are some downsides and risk to that as well. No matter what to find love and happiness we are putting ourselves at risk for heartbreak by being our true self and making ourselves vulnerable, but I think the right person would appreciate and respect that vulnerability and accept us for who we are. And remember a true caregiver should get joy out of being a Caregiver! Or else why would they do it?? and so you should not feel like you are being too much because they agree to care for our little selves and of course, they can get stressed and need a break occasionally and to be taken care of too ☺️

[Erasmeus71]

Well from my experience. One cannot read minds. I had a girlfriend that was very quiet and submissive also. Jenny. You all are really going to get tired of me talking about her. My point is this. I did not want to hurt her. I think she wanted to be loved and be accepted a common theme here. She wanted to be protected also. I should have considered having her write in a journal daily with her thoughts. Wants. How she felt. Where she wanted to go. What she wanted to eat. Stuff she wanted bought for her. Have it dated. Written to me and I read it so I know . She can take her time writing. Not having trouble getting her words out. 

After all, from words of my grandmother said. Relationship only will work if you communicate.  I have had an uncle that really did not talk and got divorced three times.

Edited January 29, 2023 by Erasmeus71
misspellings split words

[LittlBlackCat]

Hi 👋 ! You sound like a really kind and considerate, thoughtful person, which is a rare good thing in this world. Other people I've known who were "nice" or sensitive, and had similar problems resulting from it said that it helped them to know me and hear this perspective, so I'm sharing it with you. (We call it "psychopath eye for the too-nice guy" 😈) I don't mean any disrespect or to imply my perspective is "better" - every behaviour has consequences. 

I don't think you should be suppressing yourself to make other people feel comfortable. You are who you are and they don't have to like it, and you deserve to be treated with the same respect as anyone else. 

I'm not nice. I don't ever consider what other people want. (This doesn't mean I don't sometimes do something spontaneously nice to surprise people sometimes.) I expect them to tell me. It doesn't mean I'll do it. I also demand whatever I want freely, however trivial it may seem. They're free to refuse, after all. I'm annoying and disgusting? Oh well, deal with it!  *blows raspberry and flips bird* 

[Senya09]

Hi!

This one kind of hits home for me. I too suppressed my lifestyle interests for a loooong time before realizing that I wasn’t going to be happy unless I was able to be myself and open with my partner in future relationships. It’s been difficult, not going to lie about that, but it’s a choice I made a few years ago.

I also struggled with feeling like my needs weren’t as important and that my feelings/wants/desires were going to be a burden to others. It’s def tough to overcome, but it’s possible. That mindset def makes it hard to be vulnerable with people. Communication is difficult in general, but when you add something as revealing as a lifestyle choice, it’s even scarier to be open about it. Find some resources online about relationship communication and see if you can learn anything from them that might help you. Communication is the same no matter the topic.

Once you get comfortable with the fact that your feelings are valid and you are not a burden, the right partner with be there for ALLLLL of that, it makes it easier to choose which relationships to spend your time and energy on and which ones to exit. And I’m by no means saying “It’s that easy!” Because it isn’t lol. But don’t give up, prioritize yourself and your feelings, be open about who you are and don’t let anyone tell you to “stop being like that.” You’re not a burden!

[Guest UKHere]

Hi Nina,Please accept my friendship request. I am always respectful to all.Even if we only ever stay friends, I would like that very much.  Regards,Mark,Coventry,England 

[MasterPhotog]

Hi Nina, 
Thank you for having the courage to reach out. Please remember, you know yourself better than anyone else in the entire world. It's also important to understand that no one in this world is 'perfect'—whatever that might mean. What's essential is that we start by embracing ourselves, imperfections and all. Once we begin to love ourselves just as we are, we can inspire others to do the same. From there, we can take small, gradual steps towards self-improvement, shaping ourselves into a new version if that's different from our current one.
Sending you virtual hugs and wishing you best of luck!