Repeating Unhealthy Patterns in Dysfunctional Relationships

[DaddyUmbreon]

Many people have good intentions, and find themselves in dysfunctional relationships, repeating unhealthy patterns. This can go for either side of the relationship, no matter the role you take.

One of the most common dysfunctional relationship dynamics is between someone with narcissistic behaviors and someone with codependent behaviors.

Someone with narcissistic behavior has a highly dysfunctional relationship with themselves. Unable to get their needs met in healthy ways, they meet them through: using other people, being extremely self focused, and control/ guilt tripping/shamming.

When confronted about their behavior they blame, deflect, and project in an attempt to protect their fragile sense of self. Outwardly, they exude a sense of self importance. Internally, they're at conflict with themselves and suffer from low self worth.

Someone with codependent behaviors has little or no connection to themselves. Typically, they've played a role of: caretaker, emotional support, or "peacemaker" since childhood. They put everyone else's needs before their own. They tend to self blame thinking that if they could only do more, love more, or change their partner, things would be better. Every issue is their own fault, and they see the "bright side" of their partner. They give many chances, and cope through denial. Rather than seeing harmful, manipulative, and abusive behavior as a sign to remove themselves, people with codependent patterns see it as a sign to nurture the relationship and try harder to get someone to change.

The partner with narcissistic patterns doesn't change their behavior and continues to put their needs first. The person with codependent patterns is used to this behavior (they typically witnessed this from a parent or other adult in their youth) and a cycle begins between them.

The cycle:

  1.  The narcissistic person continues to center their own needs engaging in harmful, impulsive, and self centered behavior.

  2.  The codependent person attempts to control, or " get them to see", that this behavior is harmful.

  3.  The narcissistic person is extremely emotionally immature and cannot self reflect or show empathy

  4.  The codependent person deeply fears abandonment and lacks boundaries so they enable the behavior

  5.  The narcissistic person projects their own insecurities onto their partner. Their insults are how they feel about themselves.

  6.  The codependent person cannot understand or face that their partner lacks empathy or the ability to feel compassion for others

  7.  A dance or struggle for control exists between them that they call love. The highs and lows fuel and create the release of cortisol and adrenaline that give a false sense of bonding and closeness that's highly addictive.

Waking up to our relationship patterns can be scary, triggering, and overwhelming. The first step is to just notice. Do you feel used, resentful, taken advantage of, or like your needs aren't met on a regular basis? It's likely that you learned this conditioned pattern since childhood. It's likely that you learned love as control, denial, rejection. It's likely that you didn't learn communication skills, personal accountability, and boundaries.

As adults, we can begin to learn these skills. To slowly practice meeting our needs, placing boundaries, and noticing "red flags" for what they are. And most importantly…. we can learn self compassion and self forgiveness in the process. Does this fit you? Does this fit someone you are with? Take your time to reflect on yourself and your surroundings. Love yourself. Treat yourself well. 

Also a simple disclaimer. I am not a licensed or trained therapist or psychologist, nor do I play one on TV. 🤪If you are dealing with this and need help then please seek someone who is trained and do some research, as well, on your own or using some of the ones posted below.
 

Resources for this go include:

Traumageek.com

Frontiers in Psychiatry - www.frontiersin.org

Articles found in Scientific Research an Academic Publisher - scrip.org

Big credit to Dr. Nicole LaPera and her books “How to do the Work!” And “How to Meet Yourself!” Follow her on Twitter @Theholisticpsyc and definitely check her books out. 

Edited January 22, 2023 by DaddyUmbreon

[Vampiress]

This is a good post, I think it's easy for anyone to fall into bad patterns. I do agree this is most likely learned in childhood, but I imagine in certain circumstances it can be learned in a bad relationship or friendship, because this can absolutely happen in non-romantic relationships as well. I've definitely had friends like that.

I'm sure a lot of us might see ourselves in this post, and so it's good to reflect on yourself and notice your bad habits and bad patterns, and then figure out a way to work on that. It's more pro-active to find solutions and work on ourselves, rather than being sad and self-blaming. This can be achieved in a multitude of ways.... by changing how we treat and speak to others in a better way, meeting our own needs rather than using someone else to do so, setting boundaries, going to therapist and seeking help, addressing insecurities, replacing bad habits with good ones, filling our time with activities that bring us joy and calm into our lives, etc.