The Dynamic and Bond between Dom/DD/DM/CGs and little/middle/baby/subs

[DaddyUmbreon]

This is an introspective and extrospective look at the two sides of this dynamic. Whether you are new to the dynamic or have been in it for a while, this will hopefully lay a better picture and the groundwork for either forming, finding, and/or staying in a healthy relationship/dynamic. As I’ve stated before in one of my previous posts, there is no cookie cutter shape or definition to each of these roles and the dynamics. It is up to each of you to make yourself into that which makes you and to communicate with whoever you are with to make the dynamic right for the both of you. 

Dom/Daddy/Mommy/or Caregiver, no matter how you define yourself, at its core the role is that of being a leader/mentor/guide. If you are in this dynamic in a solely kink orientated position only looking for pleasure and none of the other responsibilities, then the previous state would not resonate with you. This is also something that should be expressed directly with your partner to make sure you are both on the same page and prevent any misunderstandings or trauma or heartbreak later. There are also those like myself that are/or can be both. 

Let’s take a look at the other side. 

Little/Middle/Baby/Sub, however you identify, are ones who place their own desires lower than theirs and therefore are followers. They want things to be simplified for them. They are searching for a purpose, sense of belonging, love, acceptance, predictability, and/or structure. This state can be a coping/healing mechanism or a lifestyle choice. There are also some who are only in it in a kink orientated sense. Once again, if that is your preference, the previous may not apply and it is important that you clearly define and express the to your partner to avoid conflict and misunderstandings. There are also those who are both. Also there are those that are Dominant in this role, as well. 

No matter which way you define yourself or the role you have taken, it’s important to note that at some point we chose to become that, whether consciously or unconsciously. We all have some origin story for what makes us. This could be modeled by the parents or adults you were surrounded by, a traumatic event, or maybe you came about this through self discovery. It’s important to ask yourself why you act a certain way and acknowledge what influenced you to better understand yourself and how you cope, heal, or deal with situations. The reason I state this is that it is imperative that you can share, when you are comfortable, with your partner in the dynamic so you both better understand each other and your needs. 

When you commit to a partner, you’re not just accepting that person for their hopes and their dreams, you are also committing to their past, their coping mechanisms, their insecurities and fears, and their communication style. Choose your partner wisely. They will be the greatest impact on your overall mental wellness. For all of this to happen, I can not stress the importance of communication between individuals. Loving a partner who grew up in survival mode takes a lot of patience, clear boundaries, and grace as they learn love beyond survival.

This dynamic, while using the same terms, can mean variously different things to each person. What works for one pair, does not necessarily work for another. Not everyone wants rules, or to be controlled, or to be punished. If you were in a previous dynamic, do not expect that same dynamic to work on the next partner, as they will have their own preferences and needs. As the Dom/DD/DM/CG don’t just place rules for no reason. Littles/middles/babies/subs it is vital that at the start of any dynamic you speak up and express what you are and what you aren’t ok with. When we set clear boundaries, we teach people what treatment we will accept and what treatment we will not accept. I know this can be a tough task to ask, but your partner isn’t a mind reader and this is also to protect yourself and your interests. 

The beauty of having a partner is to be able to talk things out and come to compromises and to a mutual understanding together, as a team. We *will* feel guilt especially if we've been raised in codependency. This is when we remind ourselves that boundaries are an act of self love and learn to sit with the guilt, until it feels good. If you’re setting a boundary to change someone's behavior, you'll feel like boundaries "don't work." Boundaries are for us. They're our own limits. When people say boundaries don't work, they are believing their boundaries will change behavior and that's not the point of setting boundaries. We can't change anyone but ourselves, and even that is very difficult.

The perfect partner doesn't exist. The perfect relationship doesn't exist. Human beings are flawed. We're all doing the best we can. Release the illusion of perfection and embrace the messy, vulnerable journey we call love. You might not always *feel* good in a safe relationship. You will be challenged. You will feel discomfort. But a safe partner doesn't weaponize your emotions or shame you for having them. Healthy relationships don't just happen, they're built. Through uncomfortable conversations, vulnerability, and a willingness to understand and work through each other's traumas and experiences. 

Authentic love doesn't always feel good. There will be conflict and challenges, stressful times, and hurt feelings. But there will also be the releasing of trauma, deeper levels of self connection, and the freedom that can only come when love means growth and evolving. A beautiful way of healing is to express to your partner when you're feeling insecure and to let them know what you need. "I'm feeling anxious it would really help if you reassured me that you loved me." Ask for what you need, then receive it.

I hope all this helps to fully outline some of the important factors in this dynamic. This is a dynamic of mutual trust, understanding, commitment, patience, and respect. Use this as a guideline on what you want and deserve deserve and should receive and reciprocate from each other. Ultimately the true definition of your relationship and this dynamic comes down to what you and your partner outline and decide upon. Be yourself. Clearly voice your wants, needs, and expectations. Get to know the person you are committing to and understand the weight of your decision. 

I wish you all well. Leave your comments on anything I missed or you feel needs more. I hope this helps anyone, new or old. 

Edited January 10, 2023 by DaddyUmbreon
Forgot a line

[Vampiress]

10 hours ago, DaddyUmbreon said:

 

Dom/Daddy/Mommy/or Caregiver, no matter how you define yourself, at its core the role is that of being a leader/mentor/guide. If you are in this dynamic in a solely kink orientated position only looking for pleasure and none of the other responsibilities, then the previous state would not resonate with you. This is also something that should be expressed directly with your partner to make sure you are both on the same page and prevent any misunderstandings or trauma or heartbreak later. There are also those like myself that are/or can be both. 

Let’s take a look at the other side. 

Little/Middle/Baby/Sub, however you identify, are ones who place their own desires lower than theirs and therefore are followers. They want things to be simplified for them. They are searching for a purpose, sense of belonging, love, acceptance, predictability, and/or structure. This state can be a coping/healing mechanism or a lifestyle choice. There are also some who are only in it in a kink orientated sense. Once again, if that is your preference, the previous may not apply and it is important that you clearly define and express the to your partner to avoid conflict and misunderstandings. There are also those who are both. Also there are those that are Dominant in this role, as well. 

I would add for anyone who has read this that though DaddyUmbreon tacks on towards the end that some littles/middles are dominants in their dynamic, but most of the paragraphs focus on the power exchange dynamic with the structure of the Caregiver being the dominant and the little/middle being the submissive. If you are a dominant little/middle or a submissive Caregiver then obviously these roles would be a bit different depending on your dynamic. I think we just have to be careful about definitively saying littles are followers and such and only tacking on that some may be dominant at the end. Some aren't even dominant, but may be more brat-like and not care as much about being a follower.

It'd be great to see some input from littles/middles and caregivers who don't fall under the common roles of Dominant Caregiver and obedient/submissive little/middle on how the roles are different for them, and how they might be similar.

Anyways, just a gentle reminder for us all to try and use more inclusive language, or at least make a note if we are focusing on a specific scope of the dynamic if it is not a broad one. Especially on educational topics, I think this is super important because if newbies to CG/l come along and read it, they might get a pre-conceived notion in their head just because we didn't think to touch on other possibilities.

Great topic overall, though. Definitely good for people to reflect on before entering into a dynamic, or reflecting on already existing dynamics they have.

[Flame wolf]

I think this Is so well written. It sounds like something a professor from a college would say. We need little/cg courses in college XD

[Andriel_Isilien]

The beauty I have been seeing in this community is how people can make such roles their very own. There can be common patterns with them, but it really does come down to the individual and their preferences. What does your specific role mean to you? Every time you ask someone that you'll get a different answer. It's subjective. 

On 1/10/2023 at 4:22 PM, DaddyUmbreon said:

It’s important to ask yourself why you act a certain way and acknowledge what influenced you to better understand yourself and how you cope, heal, or deal with situations.

I like this as it's the self-discovery we always talk about in order to know who you are and want your needs are. I am a little because that makes me the happiest in loving life again by being carefree and nurturing my inner child. I have tried to be the domme or top with a switch partner and I loathed it. That's just not who I am. I have no inclination or interest in that role.

On 1/10/2023 at 4:22 PM, DaddyUmbreon said:

A beautiful way of healing is to express to your partner when you're feeling insecure and to let them know what you need. "I'm feeling anxious it would really help if you reassured me that you loved me." Ask for what you need, then receive it.

This gives me the idea to branch off on another thread about healthy communication. Making "I" statements to advocate feelings like the example you gave instead of the accusing "You" statements.

On 1/11/2023 at 2:36 AM, Vampiress said:

Anyways, just a gentle reminder for us all to try and use more inclusive language, or at least make a note if we are focusing on a specific scope of the dynamic if it is not a broad one. Especially on educational topics, I think this is super important because if newbies to CG/l come along and read it, they might get a pre-conceived notion in their head just because we didn't think to touch on other possibilities.

Yes, because I have seen, as one example, female or non-binary that use daddy as their role instead of mommy or caregiver. These common terms are merely umbrellas that have so many possibilities underneath. Again, it's amazing to see the diversity here.

Great as always, Umbreon! This is a great opening to start talking about.