A starting guideline for anyone new or old

[DaddyUmbreon]

As the new year has started, I figured I’d focus on either talking about or bringing some awareness to certain aspects of our community and dynamic. It doesn’t matter if you are new or old to this. I hope that this helps anyone that may need it. 

Let’s start with something simple. At our core, we all want the same things. We want to be loved, we want to be understood, we want to belong, and we want to be free to choose life on our own terms. We also deeply want to help other people, it's our true nature.

Oftentimes, we look for partners who are tall, or attractive, or have good careers or who fit a certain ideal. This means little about how safe they are. The best traits in a partner include, but are not limited to, having the ability to regulate their emotions, self awareness, ability to navigate conflict, and personal integrity. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you have to posses all of these or be an expert. Lord knows I didn’t. However it is something I’ve been learning and trying to get better with each day. 

There is no cookie cutter shape for the dynamics in this community or any relationship, in general. This goes for both sides of the dynamic, but sometimes I believe that people fall with the fantasy version of you in this dynamic. When someone loves a fantasy version of you, they'll be obsessively focused on you but they'll also have high expectations (or even demands) on how you behave. They must control their fantasy, and if you don't comply there's usually a lot of projected anger or other actions. Remember that whomever you find as a partner is different and unique and will have their own likes, dislikes, and needs. It’s up to you to get to know that person and truly see if you connect and are a good fit. 

With that, there are a few things that Dominants/Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers/partners should provide at the core to make this dynamic/relationship work for their little/middle/submissive. Create a safe space where we can show we are safe and predictable, all emotions are valid, self expression is encouraged, and personal accountability is modeled. Where you can clearly discuss, share, and place boundaries. A place where both sides can be transparent, authentic, and vulnerable. Emotional safety is so important. This is the ability to feel and express any emotions without fear of repercussions. If you want someone to tell you the truth, it's important to create a safe space for the truth to be told. It’s important that words match your actions. That you do what you say you would do. And if anything changes, you communicate why. Not everyone likes rules or control, so find what works between you both and compromise. 

If you and another person are truly connecting and deeply care and love each, then provide them with unconditional love. Many people were raised within transactional relationships, so they feel like every action is "tit for tat." To truly love someone unconditionally is about doing things for the people we love because we appreciate them, not because we have an expectation on the other end. And while the start of a relationship can seem magical and like you are on cloud nine, that feeling is not the only thing. Love, true love, is an action, not just a feeling. True love is about showing up again and again, sometimes through ugly tears, to maintain that safe space of mutual freedom and where we accept and let each other be who they truly are and not try to change them. 

Healthy relationships don't just happen. They take work, vulnerability, and a willingness to get past our own ego. Many people have been sold a false, romanticized version of love that we meet the "right" person and everything falls into place. Many have the unrealistic expectation that "everything" can come from our partner.

No partner can meet all of our needs. This is why learning how to meet our own needs & creating a group of people who support us in ways a partner cannot is so important. Make friends on here. Support each other. Learn and expand your knowledge. 

Learn how to communicate with each other, clearly and directly. Be open minded and listen attentively to what each other says. Learn how to meet your own needs and the needs of your partner. Learn how to navigate life as a team. Learn to consistently forgive yourself and your partner. We all get moody. We all can feel overwhelming sadness, anger, or even numbness- seemingly out of nowhere. It's an unrealistic expectation to believe we can or should feel happy all the time. So learn to be able to lean and share with each other. 

Most people's true deepest fear is that they're unloveable, unworthy, or broken. They fear the thoughts in their mind are true. You’re doing better than you think. Thoughts aren’t facts and you are not your thoughts. No matter what role you are, a good partner wants you to shine, to meet your own needs, and wants to support you in being the highest version of yourself. You're a team in navigating life together.

Take your time to get to know each other. Make sure you are the right fit and not just in the heat of the moment. Don’t just aim to please or to suffer any gaslighting, abuse, or negative behaviors. 

While writing all this, it’s not exclusive to just our dynamic but can be applied to any type of relationship. Though I strongly feel it resounds as a  strong foundation especially in this dynamic. Feel free to add your comments of things I may have missed in this first part. What do you agree or disagree with? What do you believe is most important? Here’s to a great new year!! Happy New Year Everyone and thank you for reading. 

[Nymph]

7 hours ago, DaddyUmbreon said:

No partner can meet all of our needs. This is why learning how to meet our own needs & creating a group of people who support us in ways a partner cannot is so important. Make friends on here. Support each other. Learn and expand your knowledge. 

I agree with most of it and it boils down to common sense and communication... but this part has been in my mind for a while and really stood out to me.

Some people are very possessive and want you all to themselves, it is not healthy. You need different connections and different kinds of love, that includes non romantic love like family and friends.

It's disturbing how the famous song by Sting "Every breath you take" is considered super romantic all over the world and he wrote it with a creepy stalker in mind, he made the music video clear and was not shy to say on interviews for years he cringed every time someone told him that was their wedding song. Same thing with a newish TV show called "You" girls watch this and swoon on how romantic this SERIAL KILLER is... that shows us how messed up their idea of romance is.

Jealousy has always been a turn off for me, even before considering non-monogamy. I am not the jealous type and don't want to deal with it. I understand this is a normal feeling and sometimes there is a good reason for it, if your partner is not being respectful of you and you have not agreed you are free to date around. But I am talking about the paranoid jealousy where they see things that are not there, the need to own you and having you walk on eggshells.

This is coming from me, a very submissive girl that can go all the way down in subspace to slave... you earn my submission with care and respect, every time you are insecure (jealous) and can't communicate, you are not showing your dom side, you are showing that you need to work on yourself as far as I am concerned and so... I am inclined to give you space to do so.

[Andriel_Isilien]

This is wonderful! Thank you for putting down all these factors about healthy relationships. 👏 Discussions here on such topics are so useful and valuable.

I have come to appreciate people who know themselves well enough on what they bring to the table and what needs they have. Even if they are complete opposite of mine, I still admire those who are genuine unapologetically. It's best to figure this out before seeking a relationship with someone else because they are having even less knowledge on who you are. If you are lying or keeping under wraps what your deepest needs and desires are then how are they supposed to fulfill that blindly? Despite having the best of intentions in all the world, it's not enough excuse to ignorance or incompetence. BDSM requires research and self-awareness for safety and accountability. It's your job to dive deep, take personal inventory, and do the work where needed to improve.

I stopped believing in taboo labels society has on people's sexuality, preferences, and lifestyles. Pretending to be something you aren't is much more harmful than any "fake it till you make it" struggle. It's just not worth it. I am learning this the hard way. What you are seeking for (or lack thereof) in a relationship shouldn't be taboo; lying to yourself and your partner(s) is. Jumping all in a Total Power Exchange without doing your homework is taboo. It's OK to be exploring and wanting to try new things. People you are building a relationship/dynamic with deserve to know that too because having "no expectations" is an expectation.

Edited January 4, 2023 by Andriel_Isilien
grammar :P

[DaddyUmbreon]

 

8 hours ago, Nymph said:

I agree with most of it and it boils down to common sense and communication... but this part has been in my mind for a while and really stood out to me.

Some people are very possessive and want you all to themselves, it is not healthy. You need different connections and different kinds of love, that includes non romantic love like family and friends.

@Nymph I completely agree. Communication and common sense are so very important in a lot of what I wrote. However, in my time here, watching and reading so many topics, responses, and status updates… I have noticed that many, both littles/middles/subs and Dominants/Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers, whether old or new, are quick to rush headlong into things while throwing all caution, rational, and common sense out the window in order to be paired up or belonging in what they believe is an ideal dynamic with no regard for the actual work that goes into it. Then only to see all the tears and emotions that are spilled out for the lack of communication. Heaven forbid they get put into a situation of a non-ideal partner that exploits them. I want people to learn that they need different attachments and support systems. That they need to voice their thoughts and emotions. It’s ok. A key to living is knowing that we can handle these emotions and recover from them. So I want to use this and the next topics I write to give insight and ground people to keep themselves safe and truly find someone right for them. Some of us have experienced and learned this, while others have yet to and repeat cycles that negatively impact them, and some still are afraid to realize it. So I hope that this finds its way to people who need it. 
 

5 hours ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

I stopped believing in taboo labels society has on people's sexuality, preferences, and lifestyles. Pretending to be something you aren't is much more harmful than any "fake it till you make it" struggle. It's just not worth it. I am learning this the hard way. What you are seeking for (or lack thereof) in a relationship shouldn't be taboo; lying to yourself and your partner(s) is. Jumping all in a Total Power Exchange without doing your homework is taboo. It's OK to be exploring and wanting to try new things. People you are building a relationship/dynamic with deserve to know that too because having "no expectations" is an expectation.

@Andriel_Isilien You’re welcome. I’m glad you found this useful and valuable. Society definitely has done a number on setting what “labels” are placed on things. On what is deemed “good” or “bad” or “sinful.” You are absolutely right on how harmful pretending can be to anyone. There is nothing wrong with being new, reaching out for help, or exploring and learning as you go. You want to know something… Do you want to be attractive?

Be yourself.

Embrace your awkwardness, your "weird' interests, and let people see you light up over whatever brings you happiness. Authenticity and being comfortable in your own skin is magnetic. People can just feel it. It starts inside though by being compassionate and empathetic with yourself. A lot of us are scared and we have to reassure ourselves, over and over and over. That takes practice and repetition and trust in yourself. No matter the trauma that you suffered, it takes a lot of reassuring your inner child that they are safe now. That you will take care of them. Taking that step… you can move forward into a brighter world with yourself. It’s good to know that you are learning that the true worth, it lies in yourself. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by DaddyUmbreon

[shadowrider]

15 hours ago, DaddyUmbreon said:

 

@Nymph I completely agree. Communication and common sense are so very important in a lot of what I wrote. However, in my time here, watching and reading so many topics, responses, and status updates… I have noticed that many, both littles/middles/subs and Dominants/Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers, whether old or new, are quick to rush headlong into things while throwing all caution, rational, and common sense out the window in order to be paired up or belonging in what they believe is an ideal dynamic with no regard for the actual work that goes into it. Then only to see all the tears and emotions that are spilled out for the lack of communication. Heaven forbid they get put into a situation of a non-ideal partner that exploits them. I want people to learn that they need different attachments and support systems. That they need to voice their thoughts and emotions. It’s ok. A key to living is knowing that we can handle these emotions and recover from them. So I want to use this and the next topics I write to give insight and ground people to keep themselves safe and truly find someone right for them. Some of us have experienced and learned this, while others have yet to and repeat cycles that negatively impact them, and some still are afraid to realize it. So I hope that this finds its way to people who need it.

 Couldn't agree more. Too often people let their desire to be in a relationship cloud their judgement and they jump into the first thing that comes along. You wouldn't walk onto a used car lot and buy the very first car you see. So why would you treat your relationship that way? Yet people do it every day. The only thing settling gets you is frustration and eventual heartbreak. Think for a minute about the chance that while you were settling and struggling the actual right person came along but saw you were coupled so they regrettably moved on. Now you missed a good thing because you were so eager and impatient that you couldn't slow down and think about the big picture. It's almost a weekly occurrence that I see a new member join, couple up, and then delete all within a week or two. A couple weeks later they are back and looking for sympathy because their "perfect" partner wasn't perfect after all. If you aren't willing to do your grocery shopping blindfolded stop shopping for a partner that way. Because the wrong partner is a whole lot worse than taking the wrong bread home.

15 hours ago, DaddyUmbreon said:

 

@Andriel_Isilien You’re welcome. I’m glad you found this useful and valuable. Society definitely has done a number on setting what “labels” are placed on things. On what is deemed “good” or “bad” or “sinful.” You are absolutely right on how harmful pretending can be to anyone. There is nothing wrong with being new, reaching out for help, or exploring and learning as you go. You want to know something… Do you want to be attractive?

Be yourself.

Embrace your awkwardness, your "weird' interests, and let people see you light up over whatever brings you happiness. Authenticity and being comfortable in your own skin is magnetic. People can just feel it. It starts inside though by being compassionate and empathetic with yourself. A lot of us are scared and we have to reassure ourselves, over and over and over. That takes practice and repetition and trust in yourself. No matter the trauma that you suffered, it takes a lot of reassuring your inner child that they are safe now. That you will take care of them. Taking that step… you can move forward into a brighter world with yourself. It’s good to know that you are learning that the true worth, it lies in yourself. 

 Yes, be honest and upfront about who you are and what you want and need. Be yourself and be quirky, the right person will find that more attractive than any fake persona you can create. Be fake and eventually you will get comfortable with that person and your true self will start to emerge and they will wonder why you are changing. Save yourself and everyone else by just being the real you, whatever that may be.