vent feeling alone and disliked when im in littlespace

[stitchirl]

i dont expect anyone to read this because its so long, but for some context, i [F22] have been in a long distance ddlg relationship with my boyfriend [M27] for 3 months, not long but we're very close. ❤️ from what i understand, our biggest struggles are me feeling uncomfortable in littlespace, balancing being bratty without hurting his feelings, relying on him when im feeling down, him feeling like he cant express his feelings.

the "relying on him when im feeling down" goes hand in hand with him feeling like he cant express his feelings, its because when im feeling extremely sad and i really need him, he gets sad and i have to comfort him instead of him comforting me. and its really hard bc i dont want him to think he just cant be upset or express it, but when im sad it feels like my feelings are being put on the back burner so i can make him feel better.

i feel uncomfortable in littlespace because im a very shy little, and it feels like no matter how hard i try and tell him how i like to be treated and what makes me feel little, im just taking care of myself 24/7. we've had so many instances of me opening up to being little after taking a break, and then him saying things that really hurt my feelings to the point of breaking down and it seriously affecting my mental health, and everytime he says if we just keep trying he'll get the hang of it and will take care of me better next time, he never does. but if i say that then it discourages him and he thinks i dont believe in him to be a better DD. recently i opened up to him again with littlespace bc i get to a point where i cant help feeling little bc he makes me feel that way, but i got hurt again, and it hurt SO much.

heres context for the first part. i was feeling extremely stressed bc i was gifted a pet that requires a lot of care and i had no knowledge id be getting it thus know nothing about taking care of it, and i was just so scared id kill this creature thats meant to live 10-15 years (axolotl.) so i told him this, and he said he couldnt talk about it bc of his fear of death (its valid and i understand considering what hes gone through) but it just hurt a lot bc i really needed him, so after that i was very alone feeling and was crying. when im little and lonely feeling im bratty, its like a cry for help LOL, he knows this and is fine with it. i was kind of sad i couldnt talk about why i was sad but he still tried to comfort me, didnt say any of the things ive said helps me to hear when im sad. thats ok bc we're both still figuring things out but it also feels like he can help me feel better and i desperately need him to but he just doesnt know how. 

during the conversation he said "do you want daddy to read you a bed time story about a princess just as strong and cute as you?" and i was extremely sad, also bc he had just said goodnight to me and was gonna leave me sad feeling by myself even tho he said he'd never do that. so he said that after i convinced him to stay up, but me being very sensitive started crying wayyyyy more after seeing that bc that means there ARE princesses as strong and cute, and im not the cutest to him. then he said "only in fairytales" that didnt help just made me more sad. anyway after that he tried comforting me for like 10 mins, then he asked if i knew he loves me, and in my bratty tantrum/just not being able to think i said "idk" then said "gn meanest ever" after he sent a sad gif in reply.

after i said that he blew up at me and said i was being mean to him all night, and i just kept saying "im sorry" for probably 20 mins of him saying how ive been mean to him and he tried making me feel better. i felt so sick that he was mad at me i threw up, i got so scared i cant be little around him bc ill upset him and he doesnt actually like "little me" and ive been scared ever since then (december 12th) anyway i was thinking of this bc hes been really busy and i feel alone. 
does anyone have any advice how to navigate this?

Edited January 4, 2023 by stitchirl
typos + added more paragraphs

[Cebakes]

So, how much experience does he have as a daddy?  Does he have the knowledge and desire to help you get into little space?  Does he understand how much attention a little can need? How needy someone can be and craves words of affirmation and assurance?

Personally, I think a good parent keeps their problems away from their child, and the same goes for a daddy with a little. I do my best not to burden my middle with anything that I am dealing with. I am lucky to be in a very good place in life and not dealing with any big issues.  I know everyone and all daddy’s are not that lucky.   I did have big issues at one point so I understand what big problems are.    

I know littles help daddies with their issues, but daddy’s need to figure out and provide what their little needs, and see that need is met first.    If daddy’s can’t do that, they need to be honest with their little, or come to an agreement on what they can provide.  If they can’t do that, they should just go out and date someone and have a regular girlfriend. 

As far as helping you navigate this, I guess I would ask if there is a way to help him educate himself on what a daddy really is, and things both parties can work on together in a DDLG relationship. 

 

[Nymph]

Next time, more paragraphs! every 5 lines or so please. You will get much more replies this way.

You don't sound like a brat at all, so if he can't handle this much he just can't handle anything other than an extremely submissive good girl that can manage her own issues and only communicates to him when she is in happy little space. I am not saying you should become this, just making it clear that it's not realistic at all, basically he can't handle a real human with emotions.

He also sounds like he might have depression or is emotionally unavailable? not the end of the world but needs to seek help from a professional. You can be there for him and hold yourself back for a while with your needs while it's getting worked on... but if he is not working on it, will you hold yourself back forever? that is not healthy, might as well just move on.

LDR are not for everyone and if you are already feeling so miserable 3 months in something needs to change.

[stitchirl]

3 hours ago, Nymph said:

Next time, more paragraphs! every 5 lines or so please. You will get much more replies this way.

You don't sound like a brat at all, so if he can't handle this much he just can't handle anything other than an extremely submissive good girl that can manage her own issues and only communicates to him when she is in happy little space. I am not saying you should become this, just making it clear that it's not realistic at all, basically he can't handle a real human with emotions.

He also sounds like he might have depression or is emotionally unavailable? not the end of the world but needs to seek help from a professional. You can be there for him and hold yourself back for a while with your needs while it's getting worked on... but if he is not working on it, will you hold yourself back forever? that is not healthy, might as well just move on.

LDR are not for everyone and if you are already feeling so miserable 3 months in something needs to change.

thank u for letting me know that ill add more paragraphs in the future! and yeah, i probably wasnt much of a brat in that moment. he has a therapist, just got one and im hoping it helps. its not that i feel miserable, as his girlfriend im very happy and i love him and know he loves me, but as his little thats where we're struggling

[stitchirl]

3 hours ago, Cebakes said:

So, how much experience does he have as a daddy?  Does he have the knowledge and desire to help you get into little space?  Does he understand how much attention a little can need? How needy someone can be and craves words of affirmation and assurance?

Personally, I think a good parent keeps their problems away from their child, and the same goes for a daddy with a little. I do my best not to burden my middle with anything that I am dealing with. I am lucky to be in a very good place in life and not dealing with any big issues.  I know everyone and all daddy’s are not that lucky.   I did have big issues at one point so I understand what big problems are.    

I know littles help daddies with their issues, but daddy’s need to figure out and provide what their little needs, and see that need is met first.    If daddy’s can’t do that, they need to be honest with their little, or come to an agreement on what they can provide.  If they can’t do that, they should just go out and date someone and have a regular girlfriend. 

As far as helping you navigate this, I guess I would ask if there is a way to help him educate himself on what a daddy really is, and things both parties can work on together in a DDLG relationship. 

 

thanks for replying, its nice to get some insight! im his first little, but he gave me the impression he's very into ddlg and wants to be my dd. i think a problem for him is that he doesnt fully grasp how much more sensitive i am when little and how its a big deal to me when he gets upset, and while he feels bad afterwards i feel like he isnt trying his best to prevent it. i will def try to help educate him more, im not sure how but ill try.

[Vampiress]

That's really weird that he gets so upset every time you're feeling down that you have to comfort him and he doesn't comfort you in return. It almost feels like a tactic to make it about him. It's okay for both of you to feel sad if you are, but you should be there for each other mutually.

It's also not okay that when you express yourself about how he is when you're little that he shuts you down by guilting you and saying you don't believe him. So what if you don't? His words and his actions don't match up. It's one thing to say he'll try, but he actually needs to try in order to foster a sense of reliability and for you to have a reason to believe him. The problem isn't in your inability to believe him at this point, the problem is his unwillingness to actually take care of why you don't believe him in the first place.

As for the fairy tale thing, I kind of get it, but I don't think he was trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel like there was someone as cute to him as you. Especially since the character is fictional and probably doesn't mean anything to him. I totally get how when one is sensitive and especially in little space things can seem a lot worse than they are, but I really don't think he meant to hurt your feelings with that and it came across the wrong way. I think he was trying to make you feel cute and strong and give you a character to relate to. Just giving him a little credit here as seldom is anyone ever 100% wrong all of the time, and in this case I think he was trying and it didn't work out. Following that up with saying he was the meanest ever and stuff, I can see why he probably got upset especially if you begged him to stay and he tried to make the effort to read to you and make you feel better. He probably felt like his efforts didn't matter and only resulted in you being more upset with him. He probably shouldn't have blown up, but I can see where his feelings may have gotten hurt when he was just trying. This is one instance where you can probably both find a middle ground to apologize to each other and work it out.

I have to politely disagree with Cebakes to a degree about Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers/Dominants keeping problems away from their littles. Both people in the relationship are adults, and I think a little should provide some degree of care and empathy towards their partner and help them out when they need it. I think the caring should go both ways, so if a dominant/mommy/daddy/caregiver partner is struggling the little should be aware and comfort them. The comforting and understanding shouldn't only go one way. I imagine there are dynamics where this works, but I don't want dominants/daddies/mommies/caregivers to feel like they need to hide things. Many littles want their partner to share so they can be there for them, too. In some relationships, the caregiving partner can get super overwhelmed and shut off if they are hiding everything and not sharing or receiving some kind of understanding, comfort, and care from their little/middle/submissive. Just like I think aftercare can and should go both ways, because it isn't only submissives and littles who feel drops. I totally get that this probably works for Cebakes in his personal relationship, but shouldn't be an expectation or something we teach to others because it gives the wrong idea that may not work for everyone.

[Cebakes]

3 hours ago, Vampiress said:

That's really weird that he gets so upset every time you're feeling down that you have to comfort him and he doesn't comfort you in return. It almost feels like a tactic to make it about him. It's okay for both of you to feel sad if you are, but you should be there for each other mutually.

It's also not okay that when you express yourself about how he is when you're little that he shuts you down by guilting you and saying you don't believe him. So what if you don't? His words and his actions don't match up. It's one thing to say he'll try, but he actually needs to try in order to foster a sense of reliability and for you to have a reason to believe him. The problem isn't in your inability to believe him at this point, the problem is his unwillingness to actually take care of why you don't believe him in the first place.

As for the fairy tale thing, I kind of get it, but I don't think he was trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel like there was someone as cute to him as you. Especially since the character is fictional and probably doesn't mean anything to him. I totally get how when one is sensitive and especially in little space things can seem a lot worse than they are, but I really don't think he meant to hurt your feelings with that and it came across the wrong way. I think he was trying to make you feel cute and strong and give you a character to relate to. Just giving him a little credit here as seldom is anyone ever 100% wrong all of the time, and in this case I think he was trying and it didn't work out. Following that up with saying he was the meanest ever and stuff, I can see why he probably got upset especially if you begged him to stay and he tried to make the effort to read to you and make you feel better. He probably felt like his efforts didn't matter and only resulted in you being more upset with him. He probably shouldn't have blown up, but I can see where his feelings may have gotten hurt when he was just trying. This is one instance where you can probably both find a middle ground to apologize to each other and work it out.

I have to politely disagree with Cebakes to a degree about Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers/Dominants keeping problems away from their littles. Both people in the relationship are adults, and I think a little should provide some degree of care and empathy towards their partner and help them out when they need it. I think the caring should go both ways, so if a dominant/mommy/daddy/caregiver partner is struggling the little should be aware and comfort them. The comforting and understanding shouldn't only go one way. I imagine there are dynamics where this works, but I don't want dominants/daddies/mommies/caregivers to feel like they need to hide things. Many littles want their partner to share so they can be there for them, too. In some relationships, the caregiving partner can get super overwhelmed and shut off if they are hiding everything and not sharing or receiving some kind of understanding, comfort, and care from their little/middle/submissive. Just like I think aftercare can and should go both ways, because it isn't only submissives and littles who feel drops. I totally get that this probably works for Cebakes in his personal relationship, but shouldn't be an expectation or something we teach to others because it gives the wrong idea that may not work for everyone.

ugh, had a long post that I didn’t save….let me try again..
 

You are always free to disagree with me as anyone is!   I probably need to clarify some thoughts on that post, but I do tend to keep certain emotions and fears to myself.  I  get that from my parents who survived the Great Depression, dad went to WWII at 18, me working for over 30+ years in a results oriented, 100% commission driven world, where fears or worries were never discussed, and being a single parent.  I became pretty hardened on things.  It took me a good five years after getting divorced to have a normal dating relationship.

I do share emotions and issues with S and am lucky to have very few issues in my life.   Things are going to come up in life and it is natural for them to be discussed between two people in a relationship.  That’s healthy.

What is unhealthy, and I see it every day here, is people entering into relationships who are bringing their baggage into the relationship, or are not in the right headspace to enter in a relationship.   We have to acknowledge that many littles are in a fragile space or dealing with things, and daddy’s need to be able to provide them needed direction, guidance, affection, and discipline.  If they can’t, they should not be entering into relationships.  
 

Again, just my views, would never say this is the only way…

 

 

[Vampiress]

3 hours ago, Cebakes said:

ugh, had a long post that I didn’t save….let me try again..
 

You are always free to disagree with me as anyone is!   I probably need to clarify some thoughts on that post, but I do tend to keep certain emotions and fears to myself.  I  get that from my parents who survived the Great Depression, dad went to WWII at 18, me working for over 30+ years in a results oriented, 100% commission driven world, where fears or worries were never discussed, and being a single parent.  I became pretty hardened on things.  It took me a good five years after getting divorced to have a normal dating relationship.

I do share emotions and issues with S and am lucky to have very few issues in my life.   Things are going to come up in life and it is natural for them to be discussed between two people in a relationship.  That’s healthy.

What is unhealthy, and I see it every day here, is people entering into relationships who are bringing their baggage into the relationship, or are not in the right headspace to enter in a relationship.   We have to acknowledge that many littles are in a fragile space or dealing with things, and daddy’s need to be able to provide them needed direction, guidance, affection, and discipline.  If they can’t, they should not be entering into relationships.  
 

Again, just my views, would never say this is the only way…

 

 

I agree with the clarification, thank you! I understand some people are just hard-wired from how they were raised, the generation they grew up in, or from experience to be more that way. I just wanted to make clear that other current or potential caregivers should know that they don't have to hold back if they want to share and if their little/middle wants them to. With my posts I'm always afraid if I word something a certain way that other newcomers might feel they have to be the way that was said because there's a lot of uncertainty when people are figuring out their identities here and how they relate to the dynamic.

I'm glad you you are able to share some things with S and that the dynamic you have works for you two in its own ways. I also agree that some people do rush into things too fast or go into relationships for the wrong reasons because of their personal baggage, and highly recommend people do some self-reflection before considering a relationship. Especially in dynamics as deep as these, it's really important to be going for the right things in a healthier manner.

[stitchirl]

11 hours ago, Vampiress said:

That's really weird that he gets so upset every time you're feeling down that you have to comfort him and he doesn't comfort you in return. It almost feels like a tactic to make it about him. It's okay for both of you to feel sad if you are, but you should be there for each other mutually.

It's also not okay that when you express yourself about how he is when you're little that he shuts you down by guilting you and saying you don't believe him. So what if you don't? His words and his actions don't match up. It's one thing to say he'll try, but he actually needs to try in order to foster a sense of reliability and for you to have a reason to believe him. The problem isn't in your inability to believe him at this point, the problem is his unwillingness to actually take care of why you don't believe him in the first place.

As for the fairy tale thing, I kind of get it, but I don't think he was trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel like there was someone as cute to him as you. Especially since the character is fictional and probably doesn't mean anything to him. I totally get how when one is sensitive and especially in little space things can seem a lot worse than they are, but I really don't think he meant to hurt your feelings with that and it came across the wrong way. I think he was trying to make you feel cute and strong and give you a character to relate to. Just giving him a little credit here as seldom is anyone ever 100% wrong all of the time, and in this case I think he was trying and it didn't work out. Following that up with saying he was the meanest ever and stuff, I can see why he probably got upset especially if you begged him to stay and he tried to make the effort to read to you and make you feel better. He probably felt like his efforts didn't matter and only resulted in you being more upset with him. He probably shouldn't have blown up, but I can see where his feelings may have gotten hurt when he was just trying. This is one instance where you can probably both find a middle ground to apologize to each other and work it out.

I have to politely disagree with Cebakes to a degree about Daddies/Mommies/Caregivers/Dominants keeping problems away from their littles. Both people in the relationship are adults, and I think a little should provide some degree of care and empathy towards their partner and help them out when they need it. I think the caring should go both ways, so if a dominant/mommy/daddy/caregiver partner is struggling the little should be aware and comfort them. The comforting and understanding shouldn't only go one way. I imagine there are dynamics where this works, but I don't want dominants/daddies/mommies/caregivers to feel like they need to hide things. Many littles want their partner to share so they can be there for them, too. In some relationships, the caregiving partner can get super overwhelmed and shut off if they are hiding everything and not sharing or receiving some kind of understanding, comfort, and care from their little/middle/submissive. Just like I think aftercare can and should go both ways, because it isn't only submissives and littles who feel drops. I totally get that this probably works for Cebakes in his personal relationship, but shouldn't be an expectation or something we teach to others because it gives the wrong idea that may not work for everyone.

i felt really terrible after saying he was the meanest ever cuz as u said he was just trying to help, it just really hurt my feelings. we did talk it out after, but its still stuck with me, i just dont want him to get that mad at me while im in littlespace again. thanks for replying

[beanbean]

i don't see that you did anyrhing bratty at all seems like you told him what need when your sad .so i guess i would talk to him again   tell him what you need and figure out together the best  way you guys  could deal with it. i would also ask if being a daddy or a caregiver  is something he wants to be right now

[Cebakes]

On 1/4/2023 at 10:07 AM, Vampiress said:

I agree with the clarification, thank you! I understand some people are just hard-wired from how they were raised, the generation they grew up in, or from experience to be more that way. I just wanted to make clear that other current or potential caregivers should know that they don't have to hold back if they want to share and if their little/middle wants them to. With my posts I'm always afraid if I word something a certain way that other newcomers might feel they have to be the way that was said because there's a lot of uncertainty when people are figuring out their identities here and how they relate to the dynamic.

I'm glad you you are able to share some things with S and that the dynamic you have works for you two in its own ways. I also agree that some people do rush into things too fast or go into relationships for the wrong reasons because of their personal baggage, and highly recommend people do some self-reflection before considering a relationship. Especially in dynamics as deep as these, it's really important to be going for the right things in a healthier manner.

I do need to be more focused sometimes and remember that a caregiver may be reading my posts and think because I do this, it’s right.  I was in a long term relationship that ended in 2018.  My gf was close to my age and it was a non-DDLG relationship and we certainly openly shared each other’s problems and issues.

The truth is, I do share everything with S, I’m just lucky to be in such a good place that there are no significant issues or problems that come up.  I am also in a great headspace.  S gets much credit for that.  She has brought big-time laughter and silliness back into my life. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by Cebakes