DDLG relationships and codependency

[Cebakes]

I’m curious what everyone thinks about this topic? Have you experienced it before or see this in DDLG relationships?  It is something that S and I have talked about in the past and both of us want to make sure that aspect of our relationship is healthy.   

[Little kaiya]

I would say there certainly is a risk of codependency in DDlg relationships and probably to a more significant degree than some other dynamics.

There are times where folks in DDlg relationships, caregivers or littles, take and give a degree of control that results in the inability to function in a healthy way as an individual without the other present. It is that point to me where things cross into unhealthy territory.

Guidance and dependency are fine, this is my personal opinion only not a statement of any kind of fact, when it doesn't take away or impede the ability to function autonomously when necessary.

I've seen too many littles or middles completely fall apart, when it comes to basic life skills, if they break up or lose a caregiver and that is problematic. On the other hand caregivers sometimes become invested in an unhealthy way that when they lose their little they lose all sense of personal identity or value which is also unhealthy.

The risk is always there but I think it can be mitigated with proper meta conversations about the relationship as adults on an ongoing basis.

[LoverEcho]

Personally, I commonly see issues with codependency in DXlx relationships. Right here on this forum those issues are in ways promoted by Caregivers. I see too many posts with Caregivers aiming to give advice to littles by way of saying they “need” a Caregiver to address issues in their life. Could a Caregiver help a struggling little? Sure, but the goal of every person should be to be self-sufficient for the reasons Kaiya mentioned. 
 

I understand that there are some individuals who would like to take the dynamic to the max. To each their own, but I feel people should not take things so far that the little has lost any ability to care for themselves and cope on their own. It is also important to be mindful of your actions, as one could inadvertently do this as well. As much as most of us would like relationships to last forever, they don’t always. It’s important for Caregivers to not facilitate that level of dependence and it’s even more important for littles to help themselves heal and learn skills that will not lead them to want to be that level of dependent. 

[Nymph]

28 minutes ago, LoverEcho said:

Personally, I commonly see issues with codependency in DXlx relationships.

I was about to type this, if little's are at higher risk, slaves and pain sluts are even more so. I do think culture has something to do with it too, in my country, DDlg as a label is not very well known but you will find an ocean of daddies and littles of sorts because they were raised with traditional gender roles, these last few years these has changed a bit, becoming more americanized/independent but the risk is still there.

I often see older ladies that look like a helpless child lost not knowing what to do because all their life their parents or later on their husbands told them what to do. Sure, we have more sweet women then other places but at the same time it's not healthy, it's like DDlg without the fun part!!

Sometimes, the one that becomes codependent is the daddy though, I think it's always important to have an outside point of view from a friend or this forum even to not shake things off when something doesn't feel right, it's too easy to tell ourselves everything is fine.

[Andriel_Isilien]

1 hour ago, gigisweetheart said:

I imagine that a daddy would help me become the independent and well-rounded person I wish to become. I would take the steps on my own to improve my life but a daddy would be a supportive force in my life, helping me to be brave. Giving me gentle guidance and being there to ease my stresses. 

I like this for encouraging you to have your own successes and growing as an individual. It's what I want too!

 

Codependency is a hot topic on my mind because I suffer from it. I lose my identity for the other person with the wrong idea that this is noble of me and will save them. I want to be dependable, and I want my partner to be so too. But co-dependency is a slippery slope to enabling and toxicity. What went wrong in my past relationship was we were isolated with each other. Getting outside help (professional counseling, family, friends, etc) was avoided and even attacked. I strongly believe now in both parties having their own support system (lifeline) outside of the dynamic that is trustworthy and safe. I don't like the phrase, "It's us against the world. Just you and me, baby." I doubt all needs can be met in one person. I prefer the unity of a community or family or whatever you want to call it. I want to be encouraged to still hang out with my friends or keep making new friends that I am free to talk to because that is healthy for me. I want my partner to still maintain his own family or friendships without my presence because that makes him a well-rounded person. I believe these outside sources can help with self-awareness as socializing with other people gives you a different perspective rather than being lost in your own.

 

There are a couple of books I think are good for this subject. I watch a vlogger that quotes from these frequently and has a little mediation. Both are by the same author: Melody Beattie.

- Language of Letting Go 

- Co-Dependency No More

 

I love hearing people's thoughts on this! Keep them coming.

[MissNMTX]

I can certainly see how co dependency could be an issue within any D/s dynamic. Which if you think about it really can be any relational dynamic. Each person has needs and desires that the other person hopefully meets.

I think it all depends how much your dynamic extends into your "real" or "outside" life. For me personally, it's a very private part of my life. I live my life and have my responsibilities and obligations, my friends all of that. Then I come here and complain about how exhausting that all is and how I want cuddles! 

Co dependency, I think is more of a personality tendency so if you know you're prone to it you'd have to watch out for it in all relationship situations.

There certainly have been times when I have felt "out of sorts" after no longer having a daddy. I tend to invest myself, but it's usually short lived. I've compared it to coming out of sub space.

In general, I guess a daddy is something I want to have. Something I feel better with. Not necessarily something I need to have.

Edited December 12, 2022 by MissNMTX

[Cebakes]

I thought everyone would find this of interest.  Great comments about caregivers,  It does work both ways and absolutely is something that S and I talk about.  The topic came up last night and we felt we were good-healthy, but it’s something that we need to focus on.  
 

[LongTimeMe]

Reading between the lines on some messages on this site (and others) I seem to have interpreted the self interested promotion of dependence of littles by DDs. Where this is enacted by means of manipulation and/or mental coercion then this should be seen as some form of abuse. 

The aim of any DD should be to guide their little to a mental state where they are not dependent upon the DD, but the relationship is symbiotic, equal and nurturing on, and for both sides.

Sorry if this sounds like preaching, but it is something that I feel strongly about.

Edited December 12, 2022 by LongTimeMe

[Vampiress]

I think it is very easy to fall into a co-dependent dynamic with Cg/l for either or both partners. I've learned to try to avoid that as much as possible, because if things don't work out the unravelling is pretty rough, and then feeling lost without direction. I very much get uncomfortable with the idea of  relying too much on somebody in that regard, and very much dislike it when I feel like someone is becoming too co-dependent towards me. However, this is not something I've just seen in relationships. I'll even see friends become too co-dependent on each other, and I've had friends try that towards me and I always do my best to put a stop to it. It's just unhealthy no matter what aspect of your life it's coming from, but Cg/l is a common place for it to occur.

[beanbean]

10 hours ago, Vampiress said:

I think it is very easy to fall into a co-dependent dynamic with Cg/l for either or both partners. I've learned to try to avoid that as much as possible, because if things don't work out the unravelling is pretty rough, and then feeling lost without direction. I very much get uncomfortable with the idea of  relying too much on somebody in that regard, and very much dislike it when I feel like someone is becoming too co-dependent towards me. However, this is not something I've just seen in relationships. I'll even see friends become too co-dependent on each other, and I've had friends try that towards me and I always do my best to put a stop to it. It's just unhealthy no matter what aspect of your life it's coming from, but Cg/l is a common place for it to occur.

i think it is easy to fall into it for sure for a little and for a, dom to keep a good balance is important imo you can't really fall it to a pattern of being super controlling because not only can that be bad for the littles  independance  from you . thet should be able to need you but there will be times the will have  to act on there own and they should be able to act  on there own .also at times sometimes when i was the daddy  my issues was the opposite occurred i never took care of my  own selfcare because i was only fucused on there needs .so i really guess its balance

[Vampiress]

23 hours ago, beanbean said:

i think it is easy to fall into it for sure for a little and for a, dom to keep a good balance is important imo you can't really fall it to a pattern of being super controlling because not only can that be bad for the littles  independance  from you . thet should be able to need you but there will be times the will have  to act on there own and they should be able to act  on there own .also at times sometimes when i was the daddy  my issues was the opposite occurred i never took care of my  own selfcare because i was only fucused on there needs .so i really guess its balance

Absolutely, it's a careful balancing act but must be done to maintain a healthy relationship. I've personally experienced both sides, being too dependent and being too depended on and both become pretty miserable.

[beanbean]

38 minutes ago, Vampiress said:

Absolutely, it's a careful balancing act but must be done to maintain a healthy relationship. I've personally experienced both sides, being too dependent and being too depended on and both become pretty miserable.

glad i got my point across , the caregiver and liltle pairing is amazing it just take lots of wants and effort to get it right. so its hard to be depended on and even hard to depend on people as were are still human and no one is perfect .and its a big rosponsbility to have someone that need so much,or sometime does not need enough of what you want to give .its a hugh balance