Daddy wants me to buy gifts as an act of submission?

[Babyminette]

Hi. I am a little posting here, from an adult space asking appreciatively for options/advice from Daddy’s/Mommy’s/Care givers in general.

I am a 24 F who just started my first real D/s relationship dynamic with a 41 M Daddy Dom. Prior to this I knew I had interest in this life style but never came across anyone who shared the interest and I am a little shy so I never asked previous partners. We met on Fetlife and met in person a few weeks later after talking a lot, and officially began a dynamic between us after a lot of discussion about his expectations and mine.

When we started this dynamic My Daddy set, and made sure I was okay with a short list of rules which all were pretty much a no-brainer to me for me, and I had no problems. I am very subby by nature and not bratty at all, and love the structure of rules but I do have a busy work/home life to balance and I made that known, which he has said many times he understands. We aren’t able to see each other often due to our circumstances. I feel this is a whole separate issue that could cause problems for me eventually, because physically being with my partner is a very important thing for me.

But long story short. About a week ago, My Daddy asked me to buy him a gift. He said that when He is at his best so am I, and he wants to work on his strength over the winter. He told me he wanted me me to gift him a 200$ kettlebell set. He gave me options to send half of the money now And half later. I asked if this was for his birthday since his birthday is in Dec-and I was going to ask for suggestions anyhow (along with the rules he did say he expected a birthday gift) but he said he wanted it earlier than that. I did send half the money but also told him that I wanted to be up front that next year my resolution will be to save as much money as possible so I can hopefully move out of home in the next few years which would greatly benefit us, and I have a few vacations already planned and of course I don't want to stop living but I'm going to stop eating out as much and buying things I don't need. I said it to him in this exact way and speaking as an adult. He knows I’m a more “middle” little (sorry if I’m using any of this wrong, still learning) And he was very kind about as usual it said he understood and didn’t want to hinder my plans as well.

 

A few days later we were chatting in the morning and he told me he wanted me to treat him to sushi for dinner that night and to send 25$. Something about this struck me the wrong way and made me feel bad, and used. One of my rules is to always ask questions and never speculate. So I send him a message, again speaking as adults, asking him if financial asks from him are considered something I would do without questions. I told him it made me feel kind of used, and not in a good way. I didn’t expect it, but I could tell he was very upset by this. His response was that since he is my Daddy, or “so he thought”, and this is something that makes him happy I should be happy to do it for him, especially for all he does emotionally, physically, and mentally for me. He ended it snippy, saying “never mind, forget about it” basically. Afterwards he said he respected the boundary and would adjust his expectations and interactions with me accordingly. I could sense there was still a lot of tension in that.
 

I was able to provide him more perspective that I have had a lot of money stolen from me by my own father in the past, and have also been taken advantage of for my money by other partners in the past. (And mind you, I’m not well off at all. I work very hard long hours as an EMT.)

I felt very conflicted about the whole thing. He said he understood that, and told me I came across as being ungrateful and lumping him with my own dad. I assured him I would never do that and sent him a long message with my true feelings and he said that was exactly what he needed to hear, and since all has been well but I still have some residual feelings about this. And I did wind up sending him the 25$ for sushi.

If you’ve read this far thank you in advance. My question to you all is, is this normal? Would you expect these kinds of submissions from your little especially not even a month into the dynamic? And should so be concerned especially because he (so far) hasn’t treated me to anything. We have split the cost of the few IRL dates we’ve gone on, that’s the only thing he’s payed for. I am also the only one with a car. 
 

Also for more context he has done a lot for me helping me discover what I want in a dynamic like this, what I enjoy and don’t, and has set rules for my water intake, drinking fruit smoothie daily and eating more veggies etc that have helped me. I’m sure being a Dom requires a lot of his energy as well and I make it known frequently how appreciative I am for all of this so him saying I was ungrateful did also hurt. But I told him I agree, I think I was being a bit ungrateful and should have thought a little more about the whole picture before asking and I could have  worded it better too. I know just like regular relationships, nothing will be perfect and I want to make things work with him and balance my want to submit and the need to protect myself.

Thank you 🙂

[San Antonio bitty]

What? I mean, no. No and again no! That's not taking care of you. Used is right, so no.

[DaddyRaven]

I agree with Little210- that's complete nonsense on his part. I would never ask my partner to buy anything let alone trying to pass it off as an act of submission.  To me, a dom or any partner expecting u to buy them stuff is nonsense.  As you get to know each other longer and you're comfortable with it, naturally buying one another gifts is normal but not the way he's putting it.  

[shadowrider]

 I can only speak from my perspective, that of a southern man raised to follow certain unspoken codes. One of which is never asking my partner for gifts or financial help in any way shape or form. If we are on a date, I pay, end of story. If we are on vacation, I pay the entire thing unless she is really struggling with feeling like she is not contributing. Then we may work out a night where she buys dinner or something. 

 I personally have never heard of a Dom/Domme asking for gifts or money for meals as an act of submission. Unless you agreed to be a financial sub, which I don't think you did. You need to voice your feelings clearly. If he tries to play the guilt trip or fake anger again I suggest you put on your best sneakers and run. 

 Too often people will fake anger or being insulted to garner guilt and submission. You need to look at your relationship and examine it carefully for these acts. If you say something in disagreement to what he said do his answers get short and blunt? Do his responses seem to take longer during these times? Classic techniques used to sway someone's line of thinking towards guilt and changing their minds.

 From what I read which is only one side of the story, but from that side I would say step back, re evaluate, and probably run.

[beanbean]

yeah it seems odd , being a Dom is one thing having people to just serve your every whim is another 

[AussieMelbourneDaddy]

So many aspect of your situation are screaming “RED FLAG” and no amount of discovery or understanding is worthy of such ‘gifting’ or ‘reward’.

@shadowrider sums so much of what I want to echo, perfectly.

Please be cautious as it’s sounding like financial abuse/advantage.

[Andriel_Isilien]

I smell absolute BULLSHIT from him! 😡 This makes me furious so pardon me as I go off here. Your expression of being used like this brings me back to last couple of years when my ex maxed out all four of my credit cards to get his career going. He used me for my money, ran my finances into the ground, cheated on me, and then threw me away when I burned out. Please, don't excuse away your daddy's behavior because of "for all he does emotionally, physically, and mentally for me." I did that too for years, but takers have NO boundaries or limits. Your dom is decades older than you but is acting immature to your efforts to set boundaries and to communicate your concerns. You did not agree to financially support him or give gifts as part of your role as a sub. Your well-being comes first, even before him. You are doing very well having these conversations as adults with him, but he isn't taking accountability. Please be careful!

[Little kaiya]

Honestly, it sounds like you are being manipulated and used. Gifts are something that should be offered willingly not asked for in my mind. I showed your post to my Daddy and He was disgusted with what He read. In his words, "A Daddy protects his little, he doesn't use them and then guilt trip them".

Honestly, listen to your gut and make your own decision but what you've described sounds like a precursor to a lot of financial and emotional abuse.

[DaddyUmbreon]

I agree with everything @shadowrider stated. Listen to what everyone here is saying. This screams red flags and honestly sounds like steps to normalize this behavior and actions so he can leech off of you financially. If this were a choice you both had agreed on as part of your dynamic from the start, then you do you. However, as you’ve outlined, this wasn’t the case. 
If you wanted to buy him something because you wanted to reward him or do something nice for him, that’s fine. That should be your choice not because it was solicited or guilted out of you. And the same should go in reverse. A gift is not an obligation in any sort. 
Just as such, if a gift is given, it should not be with strings attached or used as guilt to do coerce anything else out of someone. I would thoroughly beware of what is going on. I would question everything in this dynamic. What starts as a small thing can lead to more demanding things later. Remember that being submissive is not giving up who you are and what you have. You are not a slave or a piggy bank. Hold firm your boundaries and if he can’t accept that, tries to guilt you, or flip the script…. Run! 

[Guest LilBitz]

Your post made me so angry at your partner. He is not a Daddy. He is a manipulative user, and likely a narcissist. No one who truly cares about you would respond to your concerns by guilt-tripping you… period. Especially not a Daddy. A person like this will take advantage of you until you have nothing left, and will then move on to their next victim. 

Please, please listen to what others have said, and run… There’s no need to even have a conversation with a person like this about it, because they will lie, love bomb you, and guilt trip you into not leaving, so they can continue to use you. Please don’t allow that to happen. Leave. 

💜
 

 

[LeftyGuitar]

I agree with the others that you are not in the wrong. It really does sound like he is taking advantage of you. It almost sounds like borderline extortion, if you will. Might not be the exact word I'm looking for, but close. Also, $200 and $25, this isn't a small amount of money. I also agree with the others saying take/save your money and run.

Edited November 25, 2022 by LeftyGuitar
typo

[Sweet Lil Buttercup]

First of all, thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you have this space where you can explain your situation and get support from your community. Always do that. When in doubt, reach out!

Secondly, everyone has already voiced this, but please hear when we say that this is not a healthy relationship. I don’t think I’m projecting when I say that what he is doing is emotionally manipulative and abusive. Regardless of his intentions, he has displayed a pattern of behavior that you are not comfortable with and then he proceeds to make you feel bad until you comply. 

Unless you both discussed and agreed to financial domination, what he is doing is not okay. From your message I gather that you did not. You have set a boundary, and he is not respecting it. That’s a red card move - sorry, it’s World Cup season. 

Last thing, you have already started this, but continue to reflect as you move on. Do what you have to remind yourself of what you what and don’t want in your future relationships, partnerships. 

You deserve safe, sane, and consensual. You deserve better. Never settle for less. ❤️

[Barney048]

Come on Everyone, don't be so harsh on the guy. He did say she could "pay him" in two instalments of 100$ 😂😂 ... Sorry Babyminette, I use inappropriate humor to break the tension 😅

So first of all, great post. Usually when a sub joins the forum to "ask for advice" about issues with their partner they are all like "Buuhuu, my partner did this and that to me". You on the other hand made a rational, well thought out post with a head and a tail. I hope you decide to stay on the forum regardless of how things turn out with your partner, since I think you'd be a valuable addition.

Okay so, you probably used Google for information about this, before coming here. My guesse is you stumbled upon the term "Financial submission" somewhere, and used that to justify your partner's actions. Yes, it's not that unusual for the sub to give gifts and money to her/his partner. HOWEVER , these kind of things are discussed before starting any sort of dynamic, and the sub/slave does it because they find it fullfiling to submit financially and have every dollar they earn go towards their Dom. Your case is completely different tho. Your partner waited untill you were in too deep to see reason, and then started "charging" you for his services. It's kinda like what drug dealers do. Whenever he sees you pull back a little he expresses his understanding and justifies his actions and then after some time tries to squeeze out some more money out of you. He's a user and pretty good at manipulating others. I'd do better tho. I'd squeeze out at least 1k out of you before you made a post here 💁‍♂️😂 ... Sorry again, I had to 😭 

My guesse is he's done this frequently with younger women, since he seems pretty good at it. He may even be talking to many others like you as we speak, trying to squeeze out money from them. Just the fact that he accepted that 25$ after you poured your heart out to him about everything you went through is a huge red flag/wall. I suggest you end it ASAP, even tho ik it's easier said than done.

 

PS: Yes, being a Dom requiers a lot of energy and attention, but so does being in any kind of relationship. Ultimately we do what we do because it fulfills us. 

[Babyminette]

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. 🤍 Seeing everyone agree so unanimously really opened my eyes that this is not right. I have decided to end things with him, permanently.

[Skeezix]

Big red flags. He sounds like a slimy manipulative user. If he wants a pay pig, he needs to be upfront about that. I applaud your decision to end things👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[Vampiress]

Glad you considered all of the advice you were given and acted upon it accordingly. The guy was definitely gaslighting and manipulating you through guilt trips. You deserve so much better. It's okay to help out a partner here and there, but it should never be demanded like that unless pre-arranged in a dynamic (like financial submissives).

[Cebakes]

Just when I thought I had heard it all….. I thought this was going to be some sort of online scam, but you two actually met.  He just sounds so creepy and sketch.  Typical Fet Life loser. I hope when you ended things, you told him why, and you were very direct with him.   What did he say when you ended things? Consider yourself very very lucky that you ended things early.  

[Babyminette]

@Cebakes I did send him a long and direct message explaining why. I was probably too nice though lol. Afterwards I blocked him. 

[Johnny5]

Holy red flags Batman!  I absolutely agree that this is not right.  I am proud of you for standing your ground.  I’m sorry that you had to end your relationship, but ultimately I, like the others, think it is for the best.  Any time something feels off, you should always take a moment to think about it.  And even talk about it with your partner, if they are willing.  You have to look out for yourself.  Even in a good dd/lg relationship, you have to do what it best for you and be able to communicate that with your cg.  We cannot read your mind…yet (insert evil laugh here)  I wish you all the best and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

[Guest LilBitz]

11 hours ago, Babyminette said:

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. 🤍 Seeing everyone agree so unanimously really opened my eyes that this is not right. I have decided to end things with him, permanently.

So proud of you! 💜🧸

[shadowrider]

5 hours ago, Babyminette said:

@Cebakes I did send him a long and direct message explaining why. I was probably too nice though lol. Afterwards I blocked him. 

 It never hurts to be nice, well almost never. But all you do by stooping to someone's level is let them win. Remember, when you wrestle with a pig you both get muddy, but he likes it. I am glad you took the high road and did what you needed to to make sure you are taken care of and safe. 

 As you can see by the number of responses received this community cares about our family. We have each other's backs and are here for each other. I hope you will hang around and continue to learn and grow into the person you want to be.   

[7Days]

I'm new to this forum today. I am married and my wife an I live this way, not knowing it had a definition. I was trying to find her some thigh high socks to keep her warm and cute, came across mentions of a DDLG store? Found this forum, and....

I want to support you by saying how proud I am that you know yourself and took care of yourself.  You knew the answer and believed in yourself. You acted from your adult side and that's healthy. The child is the fun side. Continue to take care of your child, you are a great adult. I believe a man will always nurture a female. I love when my wife acts child like, she has coloring books and horses and gets on the floor and plays and the dog lays with her watching, it's so cute and normal. She is being her. She dresses in what she "likes" not what's stylish.

[Nymph]

He is a scammer.

I am glad to hear you are cutting him off, you deserve a real relationship. If you like financial domination that is not my place to judge but you sounded very uncomfortable with it so I am guessing it's not your kink.

[AngelwithoutWings]

Was hopping on to weigh in but saw you stood up for yourself and ended it. 

SO happy for you! I'm still new to the lifestyle myself so I get it, however in the past I have dealt with relationships like this. It's never fun and to have someone mess with you and make you think this is normal? As everyone has said so proud of you for seeing this pattern from your own past and stopping it before it got worse! Amazing job!

[baby_k]

If some others are still reading this topic: there is such thing as gifts as love language. Some people like to show and receive love by giving and getting gifts, which is totally ok. However, what @Babyminette was talking about is not that sort of thing as the daddy was demanding specific things, not just asking for something (small) which would show appreciation and that their sub is thinking about them. He also was not giving gifts.

Also, sometimes if a person feels neglected, they may start to want physical items as those show that they matter at least a bit. Meaning if your partner start this sort of behaviour, might be good to sit down with them and understand what they truly want: stuff or expression of love/"you matter to me"?

Demanding gifts is kinda weird but it can also be good direct communication. For example I'm extremely clear that I need and want birthday and xmas presents from my partner because those are important to me and I would be deeply hurt and upset if I didn't get them. Of course the gift can be anything and doesn't even have to cost a thing.

Anyhow, @Babyminette, you did great and good that you spotted a creep that early, and seeked out for support in unclear situation.