Saying “I love you”

[Married_Lg]

Hi everyone. I just was thinking back to my last dynamic, and those three little words really affected me. Historically, I am definitely someone who says it way too early. I actually waited 6 months in that relationship/dynamic to say it, but he didn’t say it back until ~14 months in. It began to really wear on me and make me feel not good enough for him. Maybe it was a personality thing, maybe he was just too toxic, maybe I presented too many challenges for him to be able to express that (married, different states, I have kids…). But I find myself needing those 3 little words again with certain friends. It’s not like a relationship, just a friendship… is it weird for me to want to hear that from a friend? And at what point would you say it to someone if you were talking daily and felt close to someone? 

[Guest bad_apple]

I'm the opposite. I barely say it to anyone ever. Maybe it's cause I grew up in a way where these words were not really said within even the family.

Plus, esp. when it comes to relationships, I usually made the experience that  I come to regret saying it very shortly after. So I say it very rarely. 

And while it is nice to hear it, I don't trust people actually mean it. 

Overall though, I do not think it's weird to want to hear those words. It's a very human thing to want to feel loved, no matter if its by partner, a friend or a family member.

[Boomer]

It sounds like Words of Affirmation might be your love language.  In that case, no, it isn't weird to want to hear that from a friend.  It is important to recognize that just because it is the way that you prefer to express affection, there are four other love languages and words are not everyone's first choice.  

In my case, that is not my love language but I have friends and family where I know the words are important. So if I notice them saying it, I make an effort to say it back and occasionally initiate.  It can feel awkward to me but I can see that it means a lot to them.  I can't imagine a situation where I would be the first person to say it in a friendship.  

If you are concerned about not hearing it back, maybe ask your friend what their love language is and then appeal to their preference?

[MysticSand]

Hmm. This is thought provoking question! I don't think it's abnormal to want to hear it from friends and those that you're close to.

I relate to some of the responses in that I didn't grow up with the word "love" ever being uttered and it took me awhile to be able to verablize it myself to another person. I still feel weird signing "love" on cards and tend to stick with a squiggle and my name. eg: ~MysticSand

I will say it's been nice to hear it from my Little who's very open and comfortable saying it to me often. However, it's still hard for me to reciprocate but every so often I do make sure to have a serious chat to let him know and reaffirm that I indeed do very much care about and love him.

In regards to hearing it from friends... hmm. I'm wondering in what context this would come up? I'm imagining those shows where the gal pals are really open and sarcastic with their friendship and say casual things like "I love you you B" or when there's a montage and friend B does something really sweet and moving for friend A and friend A tears up and throws her arms around friend B while uttering "I love you friend B, you're absolutely the most amazing friend ever!" Is that accurate? Or are you thinking more about friends saying it before they hang up a call or when you say goodbye? Just trying to envision the scenario! 

[Nymph]

It depends on the situation, the fact that you held yourself back made you be more eager to hear him say it... you need to hear it, so you are saying it because you want to hear it back most likely.

But you know, love bombing is a thing, you might want to read about it and if it's something you are inclined to do you could search for help and if that is not the case then just identifying is useful so some guy does not try to do it to you.

I don't have a rule of when to say I love you and I actually prefer they don't reply on the spot... like when you sneeze and you say "bless you" without thinking, it's borderline offensive to me but I try not to take it personally if it happens. I usually don't make a big deal of it either, it just needs to feel right.

Have you checked your love language? mine is touch and words are the last on my list so maybe that is why, I rather they show me and show it but I understand some people need to hear it.

As for friends, I don't usually tell them that I love them, but if I get close I will be giving them hugs and gifts and doing stuff for them on regular basis because that is how I show my love. There might be a rare occasion when I feel they need to hear it and I will no problem, but no random I love yous... plenty of "aww you are cute/sweet/handsome/smart" and overall spoiling though.

I just checked your profile and your little age is quite young, you are almost a baby girl! are you in little space when you need to hear it?

[Married_Lg]

9 hours ago, MysticSand said:

In regards to hearing it from friends... hmm. I'm wondering in what context this would come up? I'm imagining those shows where the gal pals are really open and sarcastic with their friendship and say casual things like "I love you you B" or when there's a montage and friend B does something really sweet and moving for friend A and friend A tears up and throws her arms around friend B while uttering "I love you friend B, you're absolutely the most amazing friend ever!" Is that accurate? Or are you thinking more about friends saying it before they hang up a call or when you say goodbye? Just trying to envision the scenario! 

So I should probably have put in my original post the answer to these questions and maybe more backstory. Oops. Backstory- my dad died July 2021. We weren’t Super close, but I have now developed a fear of losing the people that matter to me. Especially without having things said. I have a lot I wanted to ask my dad, but now I’ll never get the chance. I don’t make the same mistake with people I care about now. 
In regards to When I say it, it’s more when the friend does something Very sweet for/to me. Generally I think I’m kind of harsh? I’m definitely not “the nice friend”. I am the friend that “tells it like it is”. So if I say it, I really mean it and it’s important to me that they know.

8 hours ago, Nymph said:

But you know, love bombing is a thing, you might want to read about it and if it's something you are inclined to do you could search for help and if that is not the case then just identifying is useful so some guy does not try to do it to you.

I don't have a rule of when to say I love you and I actually prefer they don't reply on the spot... like when you sneeze and you say "bless you" without thinking, it's borderline offensive to me but I try not to take it personally if it happens. I usually don't make a big deal of it either, it just needs to feel right.

Have you checked your love language? mine is touch and words are the last on my list so maybe that is why, I rather they show me and show it but I understand some people need to hear it.

As for friends, I don't usually tell them that I love them, but if I get close I will be giving them hugs and gifts and doing stuff for them on regular basis because that is how I show my love. There might be a rare occasion when I feel they need to hear it and I will no problem, but no random I love yous... plenty of "aww you are cute/sweet/handsome/smart" and overall spoiling though.

I just checked your profile and your little age is quite young, you are almost a baby girl! are you in little space when you need to hear it?

Love bombing isn’t my thing. I’ve said it twice to this person that I’m referring to. Once in July, and once earlier this month. Both were in response to something sweet of them. I didn’t expect to hear it back in July, but it’s been awhile and previously, when we first started being friends, we spoke about the L word and when we say it and both of us said that we believe in saying it. So I’m like…do they not love me? But then every action says they do? I just think it’s odd because they specifically told me they say it, but they won’t say it to me. 
Words of affirmation isn’t always my love language. Acts of service is my love language with my husband. But I don’t expect friends to do things for me or give me gifts or touch me 😅….I actually think quality time is my love language for friends. All of my friends have heard me say “I make Time for friendship”. Cause I do. And if you want to be friends with me, then I need that back. 
No I’m not in littlespace when I need to hear it. Just in my normal adult headspace. Even now, I don’t like Need to hear it at specific times. I just in general need to hear it Sometime I think. Like even just once. Even after my ex said it, he only said it a handful of times after that for the next 4~ months we were together. That’s no big deal to me. 

[MissPattch]

I'm a big believer in saying what ever it is you feel, when you feel it. Whether its love, hate, anger, whatever. Life is much too short to hold onto our feelings. That being said, i say it because its who i am. I love my partner, family and friends to know that i love them dearly. I don't say it hear them say it back, because i know not everybody is comfortable doing that. I also show them how i feel because for some people, words of affirmation aren't as important.  I definitely said it to my Daddy waaaaaay before he said it to me, but his love language is acts of service, so he likes to show me how much he loves me. 

 

I've found if you say those 3 little words with an expectation of hearing them returned, you will only end up disappointed when it doesn't happen and run the risk of becoming resentful towards the person you said them to.  Say them because you feel them, and not because you are trying to prompt another person to say them ❤️

[Nymph]

5 hours ago, Married_Lg said:

Words of affirmation isn’t always my love language. Acts of service is my love language with my husband. But I don’t expect friends to do things for me or give me gifts or touch me 😅….I actually think quality time is my love language for friends. All of my friends have heard me say “I make Time for friendship”. Cause I do. And if you want to be friends with me, then I need that back. 

Hmm, sounds like you guys were not compatible? even if it's not something you need to hear often, it's obviously important to you and you did talk about it with him so he knew this. Perhaps he struggled saying it and was not open enough to let you know? hell, he might not be aware of it because he grew up in a family that doesn't say it.

And for friends, I am super duper picky of who I get close to, so it's not like I am hugging and gifting someone I barely know lol. I am an only child so I think I start to see them as family when that happens, it's not sexual or pushy, however I do come from a country where a cheek on the kiss was standard hello before the pandemic, so there is that.

It's interesting you mention about "making time from friendship" I certainly don't on my day to day. I can disappear from months at the time and then text a quick hi like we never stopped talking and invite them for a coffee to catch up. Hubby knew this and that I needed my space, my friends know this. There has been people who did not understand this and ignored me when I tried to reach out and I am ok with it.

I will make time if I know a friend needs me if they reach out and they know they can. I hung out almost daily with a friend and help her get a restriction order once, she first just asked to go to the movies and I noticed something was wrong so I asked to spend a day together a few days later and that is when she told me about her stalker ex.

So don't take it personal, it's not because of you being married or far or having kids, it's about how they grew up, compatibility and just their style with connections.

[SoftDaddyDom]

On 11/20/2022 at 9:11 PM, Married_Lg said:

Hi everyone. I just was thinking back to my last dynamic, and those three little words really affected me. Historically, I am definitely someone who says it way too early. I actually waited 6 months in that relationship/dynamic to say it, but he didn’t say it back until ~14 months in. It began to really wear on me and make me feel not good enough for him. Maybe it was a personality thing, maybe he was just too toxic, maybe I presented too many challenges for him to be able to express that (married, different states, I have kids…). But I find myself needing those 3 little words again with certain friends. It’s not like a relationship, just a friendship… is it weird for me to want to hear that from a friend? And at what point would you say it to someone if you were talking daily and felt close to someone? 

I guess saying "I love you" has different meaning and purposes for different people. For some, it's a way of trying to make sure that they don't lose the other person because they feel better around them. Maybe they actually mean "I love how things are between us". Sometimes "I love you" is a way to tell somebody they're appreciated, to make them feel good. And sometimes it's very hard for somebody to say "I love you" because they don't want to be hurt when they expose their emotions. Sometimes taking longer to say it means the person wants to be sure before saying it, because they want to be so honest with the other person, because they care so much about them. While "I love you" are powerful words, actions speak louder than words. If they spend a lot of time with you, care about you, enjoy your company, and you enjoy theirs, then they do love you.

[MysticSand]

On 11/23/2022 at 7:51 AM, Married_Lg said:

So I should probably have put in my original post the answer to these questions and maybe more backstory. Oops. Backstory- my dad died July 2021. We weren’t Super close, but I have now developed a fear of losing the people that matter to me. Especially without having things said. I have a lot I wanted to ask my dad, but now I’ll never get the chance. I don’t make the same mistake with people I care about now. 
In regards to When I say it, it’s more when the friend does something Very sweet for/to me. Generally I think I’m kind of harsh? I’m definitely not “the nice friend”. I am the friend that “tells it like it is”. So if I say it, I really mean it and it’s important to me that they know.

In response to your first paragraph: That sounds like a lovely self-discovery, albeit from a tragic instance. In terms of you saying it to those you care about, I think one's actions will say more than their words ever will. But I get it, it doesn't hurt to be explicit about things either. I think you're going about things from a good, healthy angle.

In response to your second paragaph: Exactly! That could go the same for your close ones as well. Not saying it often doesn't mean it's not true, it may just be them not wanting to dilute the meaning by saying it so often. Maybe they're mirroring your own frequency of how often you say it? It can be awkward to be consistently saying the phrase to someone who is thoughtful with words and chooses to not use such a powerful phrase as a daily greeting. I would  suggest to try slipping it in to every day conversations rather than the direct "I love you." For example, "I love how you're always so thoughtful to not use your phone while we're out" or "it means a lot to me when you make time for me and I love you for that." Something to that affect, if that makes sense. And see if they begin to use the same language!