Toxic positivity and enabling.

[DaddysMonkey]

Hi everyone. 👋🏻

I haven’t posted anything on the more serious side on here for a little bit as I’ve even letting my brain rest since I’ve had some time off work.

This area is meant for hard discussions and people to express their opinions on those difficult subjects where people might not always see eye to eye.

My mind always ends up so thirsty though regardless of if I’m posting about it or not. Something that’s been popping in and out of my thoughts the last month or two is the subject of toxic positivity , enabling / coddling , and people who feed off of the attention it brings to be negative or “down” all the time. 

As someone that has manic depression but pushes through a lot of my mental health issues , I never understood the … wallowing I suppose ? I’ve been really fucking deep in my depression , but I’ve never had the woe is me attitude I guess and it’s something that is extremely hard for me to grasp. Even with how low I’ve gotten , I never expect other people to pull me out of anything and it’s something I see a lot nowadays with how prevalent social media is. With the click of a few buttons you can have tons of people giving you al, kinds of love and support and it can turn into a nasty addiction and habit. I post a lot of positivity on this forum because I think it’s needed but I also try to share a realistic view of my life and some of my bad days because that’s just what it is , realistic and balanced. I have also never understood enabling someone else , or coddling behaviors. I’m a very helpful and loving person , but as soon as I feel my time is being disrespected or my kindness is being taken advantage of I back away for my mental health. 
 

What can all of this look and sound like ? A lot. 

Toxic positivity / enabling can rear its head in a lot of different ways.

- Having a friend that’s morbidly obese or so sick and thin with an eating disorder and you can see first hand it’s affecting their health , but having to keep the positive face of “health is at any size” or “thin means you’re healthy” so you don’t get verbally attacked or hurt their feelings. 

- Your friend or family member is going through a bout of depression or is dealing with some hard things , shoving rainbows and sunshine down their face and expecting them to magically be better isn’t helpful. Especially if you can get passive aggressive when your efforts aren’t working. I’ve had some friends in the past that I’ve dropped because if their efforts to cheer me up didn’t work , I would be treated like I was a bother and would be told things like “your life isn’t that bad compared to mine”. If your efforts aren’t working either walk away and let them work it out or let them know that you don’t have the energy to continue but you’re there for them when they’re ready. 

- When someone is ghosted numerous times and a large number of people run to their side to tell them it’s not their fault. Sometimes people do need to self reflect and hear that things CAN be their fault sometimes. If everyone tells them they aren’t the problem , how can they improve themselves for future relationships ? 

Something you’re doing that you think positive can turn into something enabling , hurtful and draining. 

- Supporting a friend through an abusive relationship but they refuse to take any advice or help. There is a huge difference in someone being so unsafe that they cannot leave , and someone who likes the attention of being a damsel in distress. I’ve dealt with friends like this and personally knew their boyfriends on the same level as the girl , and anytime I offered to come pick her up or call the police and she would change her story immediately as soon as her cries of abuse were taken seriously. Supporting them through this while they do nothing to help themselves (or possibly lie) can drain you completely within the friendship , especially if they aren’t supporting you through your endeavors as well. This is very anxiety ridden for the person providing all the support and can turn into a “cried wolf” situation very quickly. 

- Your friend is very disabled or ill and you don’t mind helping people out with things so you start to do some favors for them. You hear from them a lot of how sick they are and unable to do things and ask you to do them , but you can plainly see them doing other things that exert the same amount of effort if not more but it is the enjoyable stuff rather than the dirty work. Thank yous are rare , you feel unappreciated and used over time. You turn into a workhorse rather than a friend. You end up hurt , and this person ends up possibly losing a good friend because they’re taking advantage of them. 

- Your friend wants to lose weight and ask you for help. You spend time making a meal plan for them to try , a simple workout plan and are there to support them through every step. They don’t do their workouts , they let their good food go bad and eat junk instead , and then continue to tell you about how bad they feel and want your help. This can also get very draining for the person trying to help and feel disrespectful of your time and knowledge. You can’t force someone to make efforts. 
 

These are all just really loose examples of the kind of type of behaviors I am talking about. 
 

This topic is for people to either share other examples in general or they have personal experiences with , ask questions about toxic positivity / enabling / coddling and how to perhaps stop over exerting yourself if you feel that you are caught in a cycle of enabling. 
 

This topic is also just meant for an opened ended conversation on this topic , so any opinions on this subject are welcome as well as a healthy and lively discussion. 
 

Some questions to bounce around , feel free to answer any or all  : 

*When should you walk away from a friend who expects to much but you can’t stop enabling or coddling them ? 

*How much support and help is too much ? 

*How do you confront a friend that you feel isn’t being honest about their situation and it’s draining your friendship ? 

*How do you self reflect and change some behaviors if someone tells you that your behavior is draining them or you’re asking too much from them ? 

*How do you bring up concern for a friends health without being hurtful ? 

*What can you do if your friend completely disagrees that their health is at risk but you still have major concerns ? 

*Need support if you feel a friendship can’t go on because of these issues ? 

*Telling someone their behavior is why they’re being ghosted ? You might not be wrong. 

Edited November 19, 2022 by DaddysMonkey

[Vampiress]

*When should you walk away from a friend who expects to much but you can’t stop enabling or coddling them ? 

I think a good indication is if you start notice you feel drained or unhappy, or if you start to feel a sense of dread when you know you're about to interact with them. There's always tell-tale signs like that when a certain friendship or relationship is doing you more harm than good. You can also tell from their behavior they are only looking out for themselves, and lack a sense of consideration or care for you.

*How much support and help is too much ? 

When you are hurting yourself in the process, but also clearly not making any progress with your friend. People who truly want help will prove it, because once it's offered they will start acting on it. People who ask for help and do nothing just want attention and pity.

*How do you confront a friend that you feel isn’t being honest about their situation and it’s draining your friendship ? 

Have a very honest and frank discussion. Be fair and opening to listening and understanding their side of things. Tell them how you perceive what is going on and what you are noticing, and how it makes you feel. Try not to be mean or overly accusatory, because you will have zero chance of progress, they will immediately get defensive. If you are fair and they get defensive or manipulative anyways, it's just another sign that you need to end this interaction. If your friend cares about you they'll realize there should be more balanced give and take, and that they should care about you too and not solely focus on what they think they need.

*How do you self reflect and change some behaviors if someone tells you that your behavior is draining them or you’re asking too much from them ? 

I think it's important to be an active listener and really take into consideration what another person is saying, even if the first instinct is to defend. If there is a miscommunication that is the cause it's important to clarify and ammend that. However, it's best to take someone else's feelings seriously, and try to figure out what you can do better to show your friend that you care about them, too. If someone needs space or something else, that should be respected. We cannot forcibly demand someone just give and give, and if you ask too much then you need to take a step back and be fair. Depending on what it is, either you need to resolve this issue in yourself and not lean on another too much, or spread that need out to other friendships (like asking someone to spend too much time with you, perhaps make time for multiple friends so you get the social interaction you need without demanding too much of one person).

*How do you bring up concern for a friends health without being hurtful ? 

I think I would first find out what is causing this issue before bringing it up, because I don't want to start talking about it with only assumptions in mind. If we're talking about a weight issue, I especially would need to find out if it's just a dietary concern or if it's something more to do with medical issues. If it's a medical issue caused by medication or something, I don't know what I could really say because it's very much not their fault and might be a struggle to get it under control. If it's something they're doing to themselves I think I would try to get to the root of the issue and work on that with them. If they are depressed, what is making them depressed? What can we do to get them to a better headspace so that they are more open to taking the steps to their own personal wellness? I think it's important to be understanding, and not shame them or be accusatory. We all know something like depression can affect peoples' weight in either direction and change a lot of personal habits. Most of the time it is not just a conscious decision where someone decides to just do that to themselves, usually there is a deeper issue that needs resolution before tackling the side effects of it.

*What can you do if your friend completely disagrees that their health is at risk but you still have major concerns ? 

I think once you've put it out there that you are concerned and offered them your help, just let them know the door is open. That's really all you can do. You can't force someone to be helped or help themselves if they don't want to. You can't drag a person to wellness, they have to have the inner drive to get there themselves.

*Need support if you feel a friendship can’t go on because of these issues ? 

If a friendship is dragging you down, I think it's okay to seek support from others or a therapist as long as you don't become the friend that is dragging others down. Most importantly, the first step should be lessening or cutting off interaction with the person dragging you down, and then focusing on your needs to get back to your own sense of personal contentment. Engaging in whatever forms of self-care you need is going to be important.

*Telling someone their behavior is why they’re being ghosted ? You might not be wrong. 

This is a multi-faceted issue because it's usually hard to have all the facts. I know some people really just have very bad luck with people they end up interacting with (this might be due to being naive, inexperienced, people pleasing, etc), but certain personality types do tend to attract those who may use them or take advantage of them. In that case I guess you could argue that it's their fault, but I don't think that's what you mean. I do think when someone admits to being ghosted constantly it's fair to talk to them about it with several different points acknowledging that it may very well not be their fault, but also reminding them that self-reflection is still a good thing in case they were doing something making someone else uncomfortable. Sometimes people are socially inepty or really just don't understand that they're bothering someone, and because they don't understand it they may heavily disagree with someone telling them that they don't like what they're doing. However, in this day and age ghosting is very common because it is very easy to do and it doesn't surprise me that some people have experienced this more than once.