Do you know? Does it even matter?

[MissNMTX]

Apologies, for how rambling this might seem. Or if there's a better spot for this in the forum. It's been running around in my head for a couple days now so I thought it best to just get it out. I'm a. Over thinker for sure!

I'm a learner, I'm a curious person and interested in a lot of things. I like to hold my own in a conversation. I'm always asking questions and I like knowing the answer. Self awareness and personal growth are very important to me. I believe in being added value.

When I started on this journey years ago I had a lot of questions and concerns. So I did what I do I studied and I learned. I also felt many highs and lows along the way.

I learned why I'm a submissive. I learned why I'm a middle and not a little. I learned why I get so clingy/needy.(I hate it, but I know why) I learned why I need both a daddy and a Dom. I learned there's nothing actually "wrong" with any of that. I learned a lot!

There's so much about my preferences I still don't understand though. I don't even know why I have a "daddy kink" only that I do and it's powerful. I don't know why certain things get to me and others don't?

This is getting random...sorry. My question is, have you figured out the reasons why you have the preferences you do? Or does it even matter? It it just acknowledgement and acceptance that counts?

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 15, 2022 by MissNMTX

[Nymph]

For some people it matters, I am one of those people but I think we have a similar personality. Naturally curious and love to improve and understand myself, always learning something new or updating what I know.

Does it make a difference? not really, other that it would drive me crazy walking around with so many questions in my head. Some people are able to ignore/forget these questions and live a day at the time, I cannot. The past matters, the present matters, future plan matters (to me). Not to judge or to say you did right or wrong but to be aware and make more informed decisions in the future, I don't like gambles if I can help it but I do take risks sometimes.

I don't usually share this info, this is for myself to help process my thoughts. I do sometimes ask a bit of extra questions if I am interested in someone because I yearn to get to know them on a deep level, but sometimes just even people watching can be fascinating.

Hubby is the sort that loves to learn about his interests but he is not interested in psychology at all. He acknowledges I know him better than himself but I am not pushy about it to share my observations, if I feel there is a situation where he would benefit from noticing something I will mention it.

But yes, definitely acknowledgement and acceptance is what matters, some people just don't ponder about the details as much as we do XD

[LoverEcho]

Fellow over-thinker here, and I’ve spent a lot of time in my own head. From this, I’ve determined why I have a lot of the preferences and needs I do…but not all of them. There are some that remain a mystery to me in terms of their origin.

Whether or not it matters if you know the reasons, is up to you. I have a deep desire to know as much as I can and I hate feeling any level of being out-of-control. That is to say, I don’t like not knowing why I like some of the things I do. I have to find solace just in the fact that I know my preferences. I may never know where they came from and I’ll have to accept that at some point. 

[Andriel_Isilien]

It sure is nice to understand the "why" behind what our preferences are but sometimes it's OK to not have it all figured out. Allowing and accepting do count 100%. Things will work themselves out like they should. I think for me I have a father wound that my needs stem from. Plus, I have some reparenting that I am working on for my inner child.

[Boomer]

Another overthinker here!  Yeah, I think I've figured out the reasons and I'm glad I have. Knowing why I prefer certain things helps me articulate what I need to a partner.  For example, I've always struggled to capture the attention of one of my primary caregivers and that led me to crave true, undistracted attention from an authority figure.  It can come across as clingy but explaining where that urge is coming from to romantic partners gives them insight into how my brain works and helps them meet my needs. 

Would it be the end of the world to not know?  Probably not.  I've always been an overexplainer and I've noticed that 99% of the population gets along just fine without knowing the reasons behind other people's words and actions.  I wish I could just go with the flow. Interestingly,  ddlg is pretty much the only thing that stops my overthinking and gets me operating on a purely emotional field. 

[Guest]

as someone who studied psychology, religions, sociology, etc... this is a really big topic to be honest, you look at any specific subject you could find a million reasons why particular people enjoy one thing vs another. 

Its a tale old as time for people to explain that a woman enjoys submission because that what "God" created women for, but when she enjoys domination its because a devil/ demon has taken her over. Wishing for pain to be closer to nirvana, to the higher being. While very interesting and depending on your own background can really have an impact on what may drive you, though for me since I was raised in a very spiritual but not restricted to a single religion home, I never felt the need that I had to atone to a higher being, or follow a role set aside in scripture. 

Sociologically you can ask if as a culture, with how intregated society is online, where we can connect across millions of miles, are we all now beginning to open up to allowing ourselves be true to ourselves? Which I would say as a generation where we have information at our fingertips we are more exposed to what we can explore, but that doesnt explain why so many preferences, kinks, fetishes have been around for hundreds of years, if not from the dawn of "ooh I can put this in that and it feels good" era lol.

Though I would say society does play a big role in how safely people are able to explore, if a young person wants to explore something a bit more taboo and only one person is willing to "explore" it with them or educate them, this can lead to some dangerous paths of grooming, harming, or just plain making a mistake that scars both people for life. So having the online communities are a lot more liberating and varied to help deter people from going down that path. 

Also sociolgically speaking it can be noted that strictor homes normally do lead to a higher urge to explore boundaries later so that I always found interesting...but again socially I never felt contained to a box so I freely explored most things. 

Or to go down the rabbit hole of psychology with Freud, Maslov, Skinner, Pavlov, etc... its all about childhood, conditioning, or reconditioning yourself to enjoy one thing vs another. Its nature vs nurture and how your sexual needs come from some milestone that wasnt completed or satisfied. and while these to me have a bit more weight on what i believe shaped me, it doesnt explain everything to the point that I can say I understand everything. 

setting aside some of the twisted notions that were made in the earlier days of psychology, I know that my upbringing, struggles, and so forth are what created my preferences. As a teen to early twenties  I went through trying to figure out where specifically each one came from but after opening up the past so many time, I discovered  I really really reaaaally dont want down a rabbit hole of my past again and sort of closed those chapters to be what made me and now I can enjoy the world as who I am. Find the happiness and pleasure where I can find it without needing to carry the extra weight of having to find the origin of why.

I do encourage people to explore themselves though, I try to give resources and advice when I can so that people don't feel as lost as I did when I first started my journey but for me I've reached an age where I'm done looking  back and want to focus my energy forward I guess lol.

 

.....I hope this wasnt too rambly...

[Vampiress]

I'm not comfortable with talking about the deep reason that may have led me to this lifestyle, but I can say when I decided to take a serious look into DD/lg I realized it resonated a lot with my personality and the things I was into. I am a submissive little, and was already into BDSM before that. I have always collected stuffies, I love animated movies and cartoons, and other stuff that littles tend to like. It just felt like a natural fit. It took me some time to figure out the deep reason that may have led me here, but I did not realize it until maybe a couple of years after identifying as a little.

[MissNMTX]

Thank you everyone. Firstly, I appreciate knowing I'm not the only thinker or over studier. Everything makes sense and I appreciate the sharing. Thank you for making me feel comfortable when I sometimes feel nutty 

[LeftyGuitar]

I overthink about things too. A lot of things. Why I have certain preferences why people do certain things, etc. Philosophy is an interesting subject. Thinking is what makes us go, hey wait a minute and to better analyze the situation. I mean how would we figure things out if we didn't think? I get overthinking can lead to problems or to over-analyze the situation, but thinking by itself isn't bad.

[Skeezix]

Self discovery is important. If you have questions about yourself it is important to seek answers. Finding answers is awesome, but not always achievable, and can even leads to more questions. That's ok.

No one can be figured out completely, not even by themself. Some preferences have clear causes from events in the past, others are just innate to who you are. 

I try to recognize my preferences, accept them as part of who I am and if I can find out more context, that's great. Ultimately they are what they are, so ruminating on them probably won't help in being contented.

[Daddyprof]

There’s nothing wrong with trying to understand oneself and where one’s motivations, desires and preferences come from.  Personally, I have a decent understanding of where my DD interest comes from.  But I agree with Skeezix that there’s also an element where you like what you like.  Some people like the taste of black licorice, or coffee, or beer, or chocolate, and some don’t.  There comes a point where you like what you like, and there isn’t necessarily a definable reason - it is how you are hard wired.  Why is one person’s favorite color red, and another person’s blue?  Why does one person like all things vanilla, and another person all things kink/alternative?  There’s a mystery that underlies part of this, and to me, it is part of the magic of who we are as individuals.  

[PrincessRayvon]

Overthinkers Unite! Lol

Like a lot of responses here I'm very naturally curious about the way my mind works. Why I have the beliefs I have? Why I have the interests and kinks that I do. Why I identify some ways and how those identities and beliefs make me feel. Personal growth is the most important thing to me and I value the journey of self discovery. 

As someone new to DDLG, I've been spending a lot of time (the past 14 months to be exact), questioning my beliefs around it. Asking really big questions and trying to connect to my life and past to find the answers. A lot of times I came to a decent understanding, whether I liked the answer or not. Sometimes I settled for this is just me.

I've learnt for myself that sometimes accepting who I am and taking pride in that is so much more important than needing to understand why I'm like that to begin with. I feel like sometimes I can be very clinical when self discovering and the real answer is just that I'm a human being with my own tastes and personality... And that's okay!! 

 

 

 

[SoftDaddyDom]

I think sometimes it’s nice to not understand why we enjoy this lifestyle, as it makes it more exciting to be thrilled by something and not understand why. But also knowing why helps you find what you want and need. So I’m happy to always have some aspect of it that I don’t fully understand, but also to learn as I go. I find that’s a lot of fun if you’re learning together with a partner. Then they can give you nice surprises that nobody else can, because they can understand you better than you can understand yourself. They can do something that drives you wild because you had no idea that it would. I think knowing everything about why you want what you want can sometimes make it more difficult for a partner, because it’s harder for them to show you something new and exciting. Just relax and enjoy the ride.

[MissNMTX]

@SoftDaddyDom Thank you for the perspective. I honestly never thought about the element of surprise and how pleasing and intimate that could be.