My LDR little and I made a schedule, and it's not going the best

[WhenItMatters]

Hey there! Thanks for stopping in and taking a moment to read.

 

My little and I are on very different schedules with very different things going on in our life right now, and to make things harder - we're long distance. So to make sense of our relationship and help us both feel like we have time to live but also still be very included in each others' lives, we made a schedule for each day. We have activities on one day, we have scheduled self-care on some other days (cleaning up after ourself, showering, etc.), we have times dedicated to when we're together so we can give each other undivided attention, and time scheduled to be apart to focus on our lives and making sure things are getting taken care of personally.

 

However, it isn't going that well so far. Our times to be together have been all over the place. There are mornings where it just.. Doesn't happen, and I'm told we'll "do it later", and last night I was told that taking care of herself felt like a chore and she'd rather just not.

 

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions are helpful!

 

Thanks again for taking the time.

[DaddyDom3238]

Hello, I am sorry that it is difficult for you and I have also experienced situations like this in previous relationships over my many years in the lifestyle. Having a schedule can be very "chore like." You might want to try to make your scheduled time together more organic and not have specific tasks associated with those times you have together. Generally being organic works better from my experience and that way there is no pressure to have specific tasks and you both can do what feels natural for your little on that specific day. Our role as a Daddy is to cater to the needs, wants, and desires of our little day to day. The only way to do that is to be able to adapt to how they are feeling from minute to minute and day to day. Schedules are good but if your little does not like to have specific tasks to do at those times then I would make those scheduled times more open ended and just used to spend time together. 

[LilDevilCat]

Heya! I’m a little so please take anything I say with a grain of salt as I have no idea about how it is to be a CG/Mommy/Daddy! It sounds like they’re maybe just fed up with everything? And self care became difficult not because of you but maybe because they’re feeling down? I have had periods of time in my life where self care felt like a chore due to just life making me feel bad about myself.

What I found helpful is making a reward journal. Every time I took care of myself I rewarded myself with a sticker that I’d place in a cute little notebook or I bought a small little thing as a treat (this was before I had a CG). Since you’re a CG I think that it’d feel even more rewarding if you spoke to them about the rewards for self care! They’d feel appreciated and wanted (that’s what I speculate at least but everyone is different). Since you guys are long distance the rewards could be different! You could make a digital sticker journal OR just tell them to buy a physical one and put down stickers when on call. Again I am a little so I may be wrong but this could maybe at least be helpful partially. Wish you both best of luck! ❤️ and lots of love 

[WhenItMatters]

Thanks for the thoughts! I have every intention of talking to her tonight about it when we get on call again

[Redneck-Kitty]

My Little @EntityLvr and I are in an LDR and we've only tried schedules a few times that I can remember (ugh, brain fog) and they never really work for us, with her being ADHD (love you brat!) and both of us having both physical and mental illness life is just too unpredictable. 

[EntityLvr]

11 hours ago, Redneck-Kitty said:

My Little @EntityLvr and I are in an LDR and we've only tried schedules a few times that I can remember (ugh, brain fog) and they never really work for us, with her being ADHD (love you brat!) and both of us having both physical and mental illness life is just too unpredictable. 

yeah. I'm a bit of a ditz when it comes to schedules. I would love for a schedule with Nanny but at the same time I know I can't hold it up. I really hope you guys can get through this together and come out on top! There are so many options for LDR. Don't give up!

[beanbean]

the with schedules in long distance is life tends to be busy and its just hard, its important to strike a balance and be understanding and start a little at a time to see what works. that way you can slowly find out what works and does not

[Nymph]

On 11/10/2022 at 8:11 AM, WhenItMatters said:

last night I was told that taking care of herself felt like a chore and she'd rather just not.

Taking care of herself can be so many things, she had a different need that day than what you agreed. It might have still count as taking care of herself or maybe it was something completely different, only she knows. It's important she communicates, if she doesn't do it on her own, encourage her and help her feel comfortable to do it. You need to be flexible and you guys might need to know each other a bit better before trying to get strict with schedules. Think of it like a chance to test the water and make adjustments.

If you are not willing to do this then perhaps you see this as a game or roleplay and you might need someone who is into that. Also there is a chance she simply is not good with schedules and can find a way around it, a reward chart by the end of the week for her to choose her chores to do when she can/feels like it with photo updates when she marks them off might be a good compromise.

[MysticSand]

Scheduling things LDR on top of hugely different time zones is tough. I've been there and still am!

So, from my perspective, I think try not to schedule things too tightly. For example, instead of saying "eat vegetables at least every other day", it could be "eat vegetables 4/7 days of the week." And as the CG in the dynamic, it'd be on you to include in your check-ins to ask "did you have vegetables today? Remember, you've had vegetables two times already this week that means you need to have it two more times before Sunday comes and a new week starts." So it adds to the dynamic but also makes it a little bit more flexible where if she knows she has a family gathering on Saturday where there likely will be limited vegetables, you can help her to plan ahead a bit around it.

In this way she can have those days where she just can do nothing. And that'll be okay because she's got a whole week to fit in a self care day somewhere!

As someone who gets pretty tilted at having a schedule thrown off, I've found switching to this type of mentality has helped me a lot. CGL is not only about rules and schedules, but enhancing each other through them and giving flexibility when and where needed. Returning to the earlier example of vegetables, the amount/time should be agreed on beforehand. And if, say, you both try it out and after 2-3 weeks you find she hasn't reached the 4/7 days goal, re-evaluate and lower to 3/7 days. Or on the flip, if after a month you find she's hit that 4/7 days target every week, maybe up it to 5/7 days. It's good to set standards that are re-evaluated every so often because the goal is always improvement.

As a general tip, set standards slightly lower than what you expect could be fulfilled. It can get disheartening for both parties if the majority of goals aren't met week after week and it's easier to scale up than to scale down.

Happy to give some other suggestions as well but for now that's my nugget(s) of advice!

Edited November 22, 2022 by MysticSand