Codependency

October 28, 2022

After the topics for red flags to watch out for in others I want to bring awareness on red flags to look out for in ONESELF such as being codependent. I remember when my old therapist years ago asked me why I kept covering for my coworkers, taking on their shifts, and canceling my own plans. I said something along the lines of, "I'm the one person that has been trained and knows how to run things. If I don't help out, they will be scrambling to find someone else to fill in." My therapist stopped me there and said, "All I'm hearing is 'they will be put out and inconvenienced' but you are not putting yourself in that equation too. You are being put out and inconvenienced over and over again." The thought that I am allowed to have a limit never crossed my mind because I grew up being so dependent on the approval/need of others. Sure, I am responsible for managing my own feelings and how I treat people, but I am also responsible for guarding myself and setting boundaries.

How do I feel enough for myself? By showing up for myself, by listening to the feedback my emotions are giving me, by being honest when I need a break, by telling people "No" when they are asking too much of me, by speaking up when I need help, by spending time taking myself back, and by living my life for me.

January 5, 2023

I came across this article here: Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop (psychcentral.com) SFW link. It blew my mind how prone I am to this behavior and can sink into codependency.

I'll copy and paste the text.

Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop

Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself your feelings, beliefs, and ideas in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they dont really matter?

This is self-abandonment.

We abandon ourselves when we dont value ourselves, when we dont act in our own best interest, and when we dont encourage and comfort ourselves.

Notice how many of these examples of self-abandonment ring true for you.

Examples of self-abandonment:

Not trusting your instincts – second-guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you and assuming they know more than you do.
People-pleasing seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests in order to please others.
Hiding parts of yourself – giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.
Perfectionism – having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish.
Self-criticism and judgment – saying hurtful and mean things to yourself when you dont meet your own painfully high standards.
Not honoring your needs not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care.
Suppressing your feelings – pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood-altering substances, and avoidance.
Not acting according to your values – doing things to please others even if they go against your beliefs and values.
Codependent relationships – focusing on someone elses needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.
Not speaking up for yourself not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you.

Why we abandon ourselves

Self-abandonment begins in childhood. Its likely that your parents or other influential adults didnt meet your emotional and/or physical needs in childhood they abandoned you emotionally or physically — causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable.

As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because theyre familiar; we repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or dont support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We dont know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children.

Self-abandonment is a learned behavior, a way you tried to cope with unhealthy or dysfunctional family dynamics. Children depend on adults to meet their emotional and physical needs. But when you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self. You act like a chameleon, morphing into whatever role will keep the peace and help you avoid ridicule, put-downs, physical and emotional pain. You learn to suppress your feelings and needs, that your worth depends on what you accomplish or do (and whatever you do, its never enough), that your needs, interests, goals dont matter, and that you dont deserve love and compassion.

Self-abandonment is a self-destructive pattern that can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships. Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity during childhood, but it isnt helpful anymore. So, lets look at how you can begin to trust and value yourself.

How to stop abandoning yourself

In her autobiography, fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg wrote, The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself. You need to be able to rely on yourself. And your relationship with yourself becomes the template for all the other relationships you form.

As such, we need to cultivate a loving relationship with ourselves even if it feels uncomfortable and even if were not entirely sure how to do it. We need to start showing up for ourselves, allowing ourselves to freely express ourselves, and recognizing that were flawed but completely worthy.

You stop abandoning yourself and start creating a loving relationship with yourself when you:

Allow yourself to have feelings and needs.

Everyone has feelings and needs. You may not have been allowed to express them as a child (or even in some of your adult relationships), but you can now be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs. If you listen, your feelings will tell you what you need and when you meet your needs, youll be happier and healthier.

To begin, practice identifying your feelings throughout the day. If this is new to you, it can help to use a list of feeling words (such as this one). Then ask yourself, Im feeling ___________. What do I need right now?

The objective is to stay present with your difficult feelings, rather than to abandon yourself when you feel overwhelmed. Meditation is another tool that can help you cultivate acceptance of and tolerance for your feelings. Many people enjoy meditation apps such as Calm, Headspace, and Insight Timer.

Allow yourself to be creative, quirky, and uniquely you.

Try not to hide parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval or judgment. Not everyone is going to like you and thats okay. Dont shrink or change to please others. Express who you are through your work, creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothes, your hobbies, interests, and passion projects. If you feel out of touch with your true self, commit some time to rediscover what you like and what matters to you.

Treat yourself with compassion

Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering. Often, were great a doing this for others, but we minimize our own struggles and fail to love ourselves when we need it the most.

On her website, self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff, Ph.D. suggests, Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings after all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Most of us werent taught about the importance of self-compassion as children, so we need to teach ourselves these skills as adults. And if your parents didnt show you compassion, this may feel quite foreign. It will get easier and more comfortable with practice.

The basic tenants of self-compassion are:

Notice when youre struggling. Noticing your feelings and your body sensations (muscle tension, aches and pains, rapid heart rate, and so on) will help you notice when youre experiencing a disappointment, loss, or hard time.
Recognize that everyone suffers, has difficulties, and makes mistakes. When you do this, you feel connected to others through your struggles rather than isolated and inadequate because of them.
Mindful awareness of your negative feelings. The goal is to be aware of your feelings, but not to judge them. You want to give them space, but not let them define us.

You might also think about what concrete actions you can take to comfort yourself. Ive written several articles with ideas for practicing self-compassion that you can find here and here.

Stand up for yourself

Another important aspect of self-love and trust is advocating for yourself. I know it can be scary to assert yourself and set boundaries. Most of us are afraid of offending or angering people and afraid that well be abandoned if we do. But the alternative — letting others walk all over you — is self-abandonment. Its saying, Other peoples needs and wants matter more than mine. And I will accept disrespect, invalidation, and blame because I dont think Im worthy of anything better. Clearly, this isnt the foundation of a healthy relationship with anyone. To learn more about setting boundaries, you can read this blog post.

How will you start to show up for yourself? Will you listen to what your body and feelings are telling you? Will you prioritize self-care? Will you do what feels right for you even if others disapprove? Will you comfort yourself when youre having a hard time? Will you set boundaries without feeling guilty? It doesnt matter where you begin, just take one small step today to value yourself.

January 6, 2023

On 1/4/2023 at 9:35 PM, Andriel_Isilien said:

I came across this article here: Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop (psychcentral.com) SFW link. It blew my mind how prone I am to this behavior and can sink into codependency.

I'll copy and paste the text.

Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop

Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself your feelings, beliefs, and ideas in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they dont really matter?

This is self-abandonment.

We abandon ourselves when we dont value ourselves, when we dont act in our own best interest, and when we dont encourage and comfort ourselves.

Notice how many of these examples of self-abandonment ring true for you.

Examples of self-abandonment:

Not trusting your instincts – second-guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you and assuming they know more than you do.

People-pleasing seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests in order to please others.

Hiding parts of yourself – giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.

Perfectionism – having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish.

Self-criticism and judgment – saying hurtful and mean things to yourself when you dont meet your own painfully high standards.

Not honoring your needs not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care.

Suppressing your feelings – pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood-altering substances, and avoidance.

Not acting according to your values – doing things to please others even if they go against your beliefs and values.

Codependent relationships – focusing on someone elses needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.

Not speaking up for yourself not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you.

Why we abandon ourselves

Self-abandonment begins in childhood. Its likely that your parents or other influential adults didnt meet your emotional and/or physical needs in childhood they abandoned you emotionally or physically — causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable.

As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because theyre familiar; we repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or dont support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We dont know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children.

Self-abandonment is a learned behavior, a way you tried to cope with unhealthy or dysfunctional family dynamics. Children depend on adults to meet their emotional and physical needs. But when you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self. You act like a chameleon, morphing into whatever role will keep the peace and help you avoid ridicule, put-downs, physical and emotional pain. You learn to suppress your feelings and needs, that your worth depends on what you accomplish or do (and whatever you do, its never enough), that your needs, interests, goals dont matter, and that you dont deserve love and compassion.

Self-abandonment is a self-destructive pattern that can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships. Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity during childhood, but it isnt helpful anymore. So, lets look at how you can begin to trust and value yourself.

How to stop abandoning yourself

In her autobiography, fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg wrote, The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself. You need to be able to rely on yourself. And your relationship with yourself becomes the template for all the other relationships you form.

As such, we need to cultivate a loving relationship with ourselves even if it feels uncomfortable and even if were not entirely sure how to do it. We need to start showing up for ourselves, allowing ourselves to freely express ourselves, and recognizing that were flawed but completely worthy.

You stop abandoning yourself and start creating a loving relationship with yourself when you:

Allow yourself to have feelings and needs.

Everyone has feelings and needs. You may not have been allowed to express them as a child (or even in some of your adult relationships), but you can now be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs. If you listen, your feelings will tell you what you need and when you meet your needs, youll be happier and healthier.

To begin, practice identifying your feelings throughout the day. If this is new to you, it can help to use a list of feeling words (such as this one). Then ask yourself, Im feeling ___________. What do I need right now?

The objective is to stay present with your difficult feelings, rather than to abandon yourself when you feel overwhelmed. Meditation is another tool that can help you cultivate acceptance of and tolerance for your feelings. Many people enjoy meditation apps such as Calm, Headspace, and Insight Timer.

Allow yourself to be creative, quirky, and uniquely you.

Try not to hide parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval or judgment. Not everyone is going to like you and thats okay. Dont shrink or change to please others. Express who you are through your work, creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothes, your hobbies, interests, and passion projects. If you feel out of touch with your true self, commit some time to rediscover what you like and what matters to you.

Treat yourself with compassion

Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering. Often, were great a doing this for others, but we minimize our own struggles and fail to love ourselves when we need it the most.

On her website, self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff, Ph.D. suggests, Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings after all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Most of us werent taught about the importance of self-compassion as children, so we need to teach ourselves these skills as adults. And if your parents didnt show you compassion, this may feel quite foreign. It will get easier and more comfortable with practice.

The basic tenants of self-compassion are:

Notice when youre struggling. Noticing your feelings and your body sensations (muscle tension, aches and pains, rapid heart rate, and so on) will help you notice when youre experiencing a disappointment, loss, or hard time.

Recognize that everyone suffers, has difficulties, and makes mistakes. When you do this, you feel connected to others through your struggles rather than isolated and inadequate because of them.

Mindful awareness of your negative feelings. The goal is to be aware of your feelings, but not to judge them. You want to give them space, but not let them define us.

You might also think about what concrete actions you can take to comfort yourself. Ive written several articles with ideas for practicing self-compassion that you can find here and here.

Stand up for yourself

Another important aspect of self-love and trust is advocating for yourself. I know it can be scary to assert yourself and set boundaries. Most of us are afraid of offending or angering people and afraid that well be abandoned if we do. But the alternative — letting others walk all over you — is self-abandonment. Its saying, Other peoples needs and wants matter more than mine. And I will accept disrespect, invalidation, and blame because I dont think Im worthy of anything better. Clearly, this isnt the foundation of a healthy relationship with anyone. To learn more about setting boundaries, you can read this blog post.

How will you start to show up for yourself? Will you listen to what your body and feelings are telling you? Will you prioritize self-care? Will you do what feels right for you even if others disapprove? Will you comfort yourself when youre having a hard time? Will you set boundaries without feeling guilty? It doesnt matter where you begin, just take one small step today to value yourself.

2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.

This resonates so deeply with me, wow. Gives me a lot to think about and reflect on. Thank you so much for sharing!

January 14, 2023

Another article about the imbalance of giving and taking in relationships that was shared with me. The 80/20 Relationship Dynamic by Laura M. Brotherson. I will type up the text in here with a bit of editing of the gender stereotypes and roles these characteristics fall into. Because in my humble opinion, narcissism and co-dependency respects NO gender. Plus, taking the time to write this up is my own homework to have this sink in my head.

Source: https://maritalintimacyinst.com/wp-content/uploads/80-20-relationship-dynamic-Brotherson.pdf (SFW link)

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The following is an important relationship dynamic to understand and keep in mind so that you are able to identify which side you fall on and what efforts are needed to move toward better balance in your relationship.

BASIC CONCEPTS

Most all relationships exhibit this complementary dynamic to some degree. It is a built-in power differential in every relationship until couples become aware of and work to shift the dynamic to a more balanced and co-equal, interdependent relationship.
Couples need to know which side of the dynamic they individually lean towards tin order to understand which direction they need to go in order to move toward becoming a team that operates closer to a 50-50 dynamic of "self" and "other". Like a see-saw as the 80%er works to become a 60%er, for instance, the 20%er will become a 40%er and vice versa.
Opposites Attract -- We tend to naturally attract someone whose strengths and weaknesses compliment ours. Those with codependent (other-oriented) personalities and those with emotionally manipulating (self-oriented) personalities are natural human magnets. If someone is a 80%er they attract a 20%er. If someone is a 40%er they will attract a 60%er. If you decided to leave an 80%er partner but don't do the work that a 20%er needs to do get into a better balance/healthier range of relating then you will likely just attract another 80%er due to the complementary, magnetic nature of this relationship dynamic.
This 80/20 concept can apply to the entire relationship or it may just show up in one specific area of the relationship, i.e. the sexual relationship. One couple realized that in the sexual dimension one was the 80%er and the other was the 20%er, but in the parenting dimension it was reversed. It all depends on what dimension the couples are trying to improve, in order to know what efforts are needed.
WHY? -- as many couples presented in counseling with a relationship dynamic where 80%ers had "taken" and 20%ers had "given" for so long (especially in the sexual dimension) that the 20%er couldn't do it anymore. The core of the relationship had become too unbalanced/damaged and something had to change in order to heal and strengthen the relationship. When the 80%er accepts the reality of this dynamic and begins to "take less" and "give more", and the 20%er learns to "take more" and "give less" then we begin to heal the relationship. The detrimental effects of "duty sex/charity sex/ obligatory sex" became readily apparent.
This concept operates on a continuum between both extremes that are unhealthy and dysfunctional with the healthy and functional range being in the middle.

CO-DEPENDCY is on a continuum - the gist is a well-intentioned but unhealth orientation towards helping, rescuing, sacrificing for, caretaking, taking responsibility for, enabling or trying to orchestrate change in others who behave in unhealthy, self-absorbed ways. This is the 20% range.

NARCISSISM (emotional manipulation) is on a continuum - the gist is an orientation toward self-centeredness. It's a sense of specialness or entitlement, seeks admiration, doesn't take advice or criticism well, often deflects blame onto others, struggles with empathy, and can be emotionally manipulative. This is the 80% range.

CASUAL FACTORS

Personality - Type A personalities - outgoing, competitive, driven, ambitious, aggressive, impatient, confident the person leans toward the 80%er side; with Type B personalities - reflective, more laid back, tolerant, cooperative, accommodating the person leans toward the 20%er side.
Upbringing - The "self-orientation" of 80%er was likely developed through developmental experiences that taught the 80%er to lean on themselves to get their needs met (counter-dependency); with the "other-orientation" of 20%er likely developed through developmental experiences that taught the 20%er to lean on caring for others to get their needs met (dependency). Self-orientation (80%er) often comes from an avoidant attachment to one's parents, while other-orientation (20%er) often comes from an anxious attachment to one's parents.

CHARACTERISTICS of 80%er

oriented towards "self" -- they view things through a "self" lens, i.e. how will this affect me?
tends toward counter-dependence
puts self ahead of others
resistant, aggressive
a taker - tends to take more than they give
takes to get their needs met
compulsive care- "taking" at the expense of others' needs ("addiction to self")
controls, manipulates others / walks over others
takes control / leads
accesses their agency easily
cares for self at the expense of others
disregards or discounts others' wants, needs, opinions to avoid negative feelings
they get/demand love and respect without giving it in return
relies on self; avoids relying on others due to mistrust
over values self
tends to naturally take up more of the "air" in the relationship often without even realizing it
focuses on own needs
tends toward overt aggressiveness - "my way or the highway"
may be so self-absorbed that they can't even recognize or accept themselves as the 80%er in the relationship
self-dependent or selfish
often blames others
easy for them to stand up or speak up for themselves
both orientations can be unhealthy on the far ends

CHARACTERISTICS OF 20%er

oriented toward "others" - they view things through an "others" lens, i.e. how will this affect others?
tends toward co-dependent
puts others ahead of self
compliant, accommodating
a giver - tends to give more than they take
gives to get their needs met
compulsive care - "giving" / compliance at the expense of their own needs ("addiction to others") - leads to accumulating resentment
let's themselves get walked on
allows others to take control / follows
relinquishes their agency to avoid confrontation, etc.
cares for others at the expense of self
overlooks their own wants, needs, opinions to keep the peace and avoid negative reactions, feelings, confrontations
they give love and respect without requiring it in return
relies on others
under values self
tends to willingly take the leftover "air" in the relationship often without even realizing it
denies, discounts, minimizes own needs
tends toward passive aggressiveness - makes them pa other ways
may be so concerned about the other's feelings that they don't want to acknowledge the reality that they have been going with less for a long time
co-dependent of other-dependent
often feels guilty
hard for them to stand up or speak up for themselves
both orientations can be unhealthy on the far ends
can be so other oriented that even the spouse rarely gets priority attention

What the 80%ers Need to Do to Change This Dynamic (move toward a "50%er" balance between take and give / between self and others)

focus on others/other-care; stay out of "What about me?" thinking
be more respecting of others' wants, needs, opinions
do more following - take more of a back seat
listen more for other's wants, needs, opinions, perspectives and speak less;
ask her/his/their opinion
practice doing one thing a day that's important to your partner that meets their needs
acknowledge when you "take" and apologize
be willing to confront yourself and identify your weaknesses
take down your walls/barriers to being vulnerable/connecting
say "yes" to the other's requests more often
attend to the other's needs, opinions more -- do it their way more often
don't argue or pushback when they do speak up/give an opinion or express a want/need or they may just continue to shut down and/or shut you out
willing take/get/demand less (as you move from an 80%er to a 60%er); resist the urge to pushback or manipulate to keep things as they are
don't put guilt or blame on the other person; recognize your "taking" default and your need to change it to attain better balance
develop more compassion for others
be more willing to identify and express your feelings not just facts to try to be right or to prove a point)
do a written daily check-in each night where you write out 2-3 ways you were selfish, demanding, manipulative, controlling, prideful, or angry/frustrated that day

What 20%ers Need to Do to Change This Dynamic (move towards a "50%er" balance between give and take / between others and self)

give yourself permission to focus on self / self-care
require respect from others - take/get/demand more (to be more balanced)
show more leadership - take more of the lead
stand up, speak up for yourself more - your wants, needs, opinions, perspectives
be open and honest with self and others about your needs, etc.
make the other attend to your wants, needs, opinions, perspectives as much as you do theirs
say things like, "That was a 'Take'" to help the 80%er realize when they are "taking"
"carefront" (confront) - care enough about the relationship to speak up and confront others when necessary
build healthy boundaries and hold them firm
say "no" more often (especially when you don't really want to do something and/or know you'll feel resentment if you do say yes)
don't give in to the other's preferences - instead insist on yours equally
develop ability to handle/cope with strong negative reactions (i.e. be okay with them being mad at you or being disappointed or inconvenienced by you)
be able to handle the discomfort of the push back the 80%er will give when you try to change these dynamics
push away thoughts of guilt, or that you're being selfish, or that problems are your fault; strive for balance
develop more compassion for self
do things out of love not fear
do a written daily check-in each night where you didn't speak up or stand up for your truth

RELATIONSHIP GOAL

For the 80%er to be more "other-oriented", and take less and give more; while 20%er need to be more "self-oriented" and take more and give less in order to move closer to a 50/50 dynamic where there's a more balanced and equitable distribution of needs met, opinions given, credibility/weight/validity, and the perspective respected.

WHAT HEALTHY LOOKS LIKE

Differentiated - the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or separateness; the ability to advocate for oneself and respectfully treat each other as separate but connected individuals each having their own equally valid perspectives, interests, priorities, etc.' interdependent
Self-aware/Self-reflective/Self-correcting - can recognize when "giving" and "taking" are in balance on both sides of the relationship; more 50/50; correcting as needed
Healthy Boundaries - both maintain and respect each other's boundaries; as you each move closer to the 50% range, boundaries won't be consciously needed because they will be automatically built into the mutual respect healthy individuals show toward each other in their relationship

January 29, 2023

A fellow I have been watching as he shares his journey of recovery, specifically from substance abuse, and talks about healthy relationships. This video he talks about the extreme ends where we can be co-dependent (I need this other person's love to survive) and counter-dependent (I don't need anyone ever).

May 9, 2023

Thank you so much for all the posts! This has helped me so much and pointed me in a direction for “real” help…. Even though, my therapist and I have discussed these topics, reading these articles made everything we talked about make sense. Plus, this is the first time I’m actually looking for a Daddy, I set myself up to become a victim. Learning how to cultivate healthy habits and boundaries is something that has eluded me my entire life. It’s so comforting that there is now a safe space for me to share all of this and to learn safely as well.

Thank you again- M I M 😉

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