How long should I wait?

[Guest baby_panda232]

i think im having the same experince as well, i have a 'caregiver' and we started talking roughly 5 weeks ago, a couple weeks went by and he became my 'caregiver' a week after that he said i love you, he asked me if i loved him as well and i said to him isnt that a bit too soon,  he didnt have much of a reply all he said was 'eh fair enough' and that was that, but he has said it once before maybe in passing not sure,  but the last proper conversation we had was 11th october, ive messaged he a few times throughout the day but i dont get much back like a couple sentences at most, he lives in ohio as not much of a time difference (im 5 hours ahead of him) but he has a lot of free time i think he's a manger at mcdonalds and he spends a little time helping out his family, i dont know if i want to give him a chance or cut him out 

[baby_k]

4 hours ago, amber22 said:

Before I lost contact with him for 3 weeks I sent him a message and he saw it. I told him that I missed you and wanted to talk to you, but if you were still busy at work I could wait. That was a lie. I really wanted to talk to him every day, but I didn't say it.

--

From his point of view, he might think that you said you would wait and now suddenly you are angry.

If you lie about your feelings, it will come back to you.

His behaviour is not your fault. He chooses to act that way, not you. For some reason we seem to think we can affect people way more than we in reality can.

To spell it out again: what he does it not about you, not your fault, it doesn't tel anything about what sort of person you are nor how you should be treated. It's only about him.

 

About the lie you gave: we all lie. It's bad thing but something we still do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up because of it. Just learn from it for next relationship, that it's best to be open and honest: already for your own sake. Because honesty will make communication way more simple, and your partner has then possibility to respond to your needs. If you don't tell about your needs, they will ignore them for sure as they don't know about them.

But in your current situation: I doubt it would have made any real difference even if you had said that you wanted to talk. If he would be responsive to your needs and he would care about those, he would be talking with you already. Just because you don't act perfectly at one point of time doesn't mean that you need to suffer from all sort of things because of it. If he was loving partner, sure, maybe he would have not talked to you for day or two because you said it was ok. And that you would just need to go through because you said it was ok -or correct that "actually, this is not really okay even I said at first that it would be". Because we have a right to change our minds and learn from experience

Could be that at first you think it's okay that if there is less contact but realise it's not the case: then you have right to say it's not okay after all, and even responsibiltiy to tell that to your partner. It will cause you resent your partner if he behaves in manner you dislike, and would be unfair that he doesn't even know that he could do better ( which people typically want to do if they care for each other ). And normal people are okay with others changing their minds: it's a bit of a red flag if someone goes yelling "but you said this was ok, so you need to now think always that it's okay!!!! You have no right to change your mind!"

[MissNMTX]

7 hours ago, baby_k said:

His behaviour is not your fault. He chooses to act that way, not you. For some reason we seem to think we can affect people way more than we in reality can.

To spell it out again: what he does it not about you, not your fault, it doesn't tel anything about what sort of person you are nor how you should be treated. It's only about him.

 

About the lie you gave: we all lie. It's bad thing but something we still do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up because of it. Just learn from it for next relationship, that it's best to be open and honest: already for your own sake. Because honesty will make communication way more simple, and your partner has then possibility to respond to your needs. If you don't tell about your needs, they will ignore them for sure as they don't know about them.

But in your current situation: I doubt it would have made any real difference even if you had said that you wanted to talk. If he would be responsive to your needs and he would care about those, he would be talking with you already. Just because you don't act perfectly at one point of time doesn't mean that you need to suffer from all sort of things because of it. If he was loving partner, sure, maybe he would have not talked to you for day or two because you said it was ok. And that you would just need to go through because you said it was ok -or correct that "actually, this is not really okay even I said at first that it would be". Because we have a right to change our minds and learn from experience

Could be that at first you think it's okay that if there is less contact but realise it's not the case: then you have right to say it's not okay after all, and even responsibiltiy to tell that to your partner. It will cause you resent your partner if he behaves in manner you dislike, and would be unfair that he doesn't even know that he could do better ( which people typically want to do if they care for each other ). And normal people are okay with others changing their minds: it's a bit of a red flag if someone goes yelling "but you said this was ok, so you need to now think always that it's okay!!!! You have no right to change your mind!"

"We think we can influence people more than in reality we actually can". I felt this! I think it's very common for those of us who are "smaller " to think our partners can read our minds and understand that "I want to talk to you" really means" I want to talk to you all the time ". The truth is it's on us to say how much we need. At least what our minimums are. 

That said, the way you've been treated and the way many of us have been treated as wrong. Everyone of us wants a partner who is respected and successful in their workplace. There's no need to not communicate with you for three weeks without telling you in advance is just immature and robs you of the opportunity to demonstrate your own commitment and maturity.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I do know how it feels. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life and learn from this going forward. At least now you're more clear on what it is that you do need.

[amber22]

Thank you all for your comments. They are all helpful.
Things will not move forward until the deadline I set has passed or he responds, so I am living my life and waiting for that time to come.
I have learned a lot in the last few days about reaffirming my needs and about how to think when building relationships with others. It carries me in the right direction.
I'll post here if I make any progress.

Thank you

[amber22]

Hello everyone.
I’m updating this post.

Finally he didn’t reply to me. Today is the deadline but I have no more hope and I’m so tired of this I have deleted him from my life.

It is painful. And I’m tired.
This is my first relationship and I can get better in the future but first I need to take some time to recover.

That is all I will tell you.
Thanks a lot for all the advice.
I appreciate you spending the time to help me.

[baby_k]

Take care of yourself. You will eventually feel better, it just takes time. It shows that you are a strong person as you have already deleted him and that you are not just waiting and hoping. That is putting yourself first which is really good. Keep doing that.

I hope this event doesn't make you put wall between you and others. Getting too guarded will make finding love harder, and you don't deserve to have extra difficulties there. In same time I hope you learn to appreciate and value yourself, and don't let others treat you poorly in future: you have value, you have a voice and you have right to except respect and care in relationship. You have a right to voice your needs and desires in a relationship.

 

Best of luck for the future

[Cebakes]

I’m glad that you are bringing closure to this and moving on. I would use this as a learning experience and Remember that this is on him, not you.  

[amber22]

Yeah.
I'm crying.

I really don't want to say anything bad about anyone.

I'm a great person for acting in defense of myself...yeah

[Vampiress]

I am glad that you are sticking to your deadline, that's an important step for your overall well-being. Take all the time you need, you deserve this time to heal and learn from it. You did all you could, and you are not to blame in any way.

[Nymph]

You were more than patient, next time a guy tells you he can't contact you at all because of work, travel, his phone broke or whatever reason, then move on. No matter how busy life is and how much time difference you have, someone who is interested in staying in touch with you will at least manage a good morning or goodnight text.

I am going to tell you something that is a bit unpleasant... some men just want the fantasy and forget (or ignore) the fact that there is a real person behind the screen. I know it's exciting but try to slow down and not get invested too fast, talk to them as friends first, perhaps talk to two or three people at the time and with time I can assure you at least one will stop responding and another one you will notice is a nice person but not the right match for you.

This is not cheating, as you would not be in a relationship yet.... if they demand exclusivity too fast then they are being unreasonable, it's like saying you can only have one friend! or that you can jump straight into a relationship without getting to know each other or being friends first!!

Take your time to heal, but know that you were in love with the idea of him, and I can assure you he was not the person you thought it was. This things hurt a lot because you were at a stage you thought he was perfect, time would have shown you he is not even if he was indeed wonderful and perfect for you.

[amber22]

Thank you for your comment. Your comment strikes deep into my heart, but is not offensive. You have clearly written about my problems and his. Certainly our relationship has moved on quickly and I have gone off the deep end.

This time around, I have been able to renew my boundaries. I now know what I don't like and what I want.

[LongTimeMe]

Hi Amber22. The advice I would give you is to use your experience wisely. Now you are free to go and find your proper Daddy who will really love you for you, and he will truly be a very lucky man.