Moving in

[CodeName: Trouble]

Moving in.

Looking for stories, or just a little advice; about moving, relationships, or learning to let yourself be little with someone else.

 

So I’m moving in with Daddy, a dream come true right? We have been together for years, spent lots of real life time together despite being long distance, I get along with his family and we communicate great – I love him allot. However, I have no rose-colored glasses on telling me this will be a seamless transition. Normally, most of my little time is spent by myself, and I’m quite independent and stubborn about how I like things organized and cleaned and how I spend my time... now I’m changing things up and stepping far outside of my bubble. Living with my doting Dom and navigating whatever our vanilla and d/s relationship evolves into... I have a feeling its going to be very sitcom-esc.

I can already see how energy draining this big move has been on both of us, physically and emotionally. And it IS a big move! I’m moving multiple states away from where I grew up in a little farming town to an apartment in the city. Have you ever made a life change like that, even if it wasn’t necessarily with a partner?

I’m looking for guidance, stories, or just a little advice… about moving, relationships, or learning to let yourself be vulnerable with someone else. What learning curves did you face, and what obstacles were you able to overcome? What did you learn about yourself along the way?

Thanks for reading, hope someone wants to chime in!

It can feel pretty lonely taking a big leap like this, and while my partner is very supportive, hearing success stories (or good lessons learned) might help ease my overactive imagination 😊 I know not every situation turns into a positive one, but I’d love to hear some that do.

[baby_k]

I think most important one is to discuss about the topic. Super generic advice, yeah, but it's extremely important. It's sooooo much easier to adapt to the other person and their habits if you know them prehand and not so that you learn with mistakes. Example: your partner is super cranky in mornings before they get their coffee. If you know this prehand, you sort of "have been warned" and it's not a suprice or shock if they are bit of an ass in the morning. Where as one morning just randomly getting snapped at is extremely unpleasant and will cause the relationship a small crisis easily.

Other thing is to talk about how you do chores. Many sort of talk of these and still end up arguing about them. How clean things need to be, what habits and BELIEFS one has about cleaning (like "of course windows need to be cleaned twice a year, you discusting pig, why you don't see this???"). Like I prefer to clean with my partner as then it's not "unfair": having list of who does what would create friction in my case ("did you do this properly, why I do more, why you think I should do it now when I can do it tomorrow??"). I'm also rather lazy so have robot vacuum cleaner is a must, same goes with dish washer. Where as someone else might actually like doing dishes by hand or that they would see spending on robot as unnecessary.

On thing is guests: is it okay to asks your friends just to come with you for visit or do you need to agree abou it prehand? How long they can stay? Is it ok to have wild parties? How about relatives? Who cleans and to what level if there is visitors? Is it okay or needed for other to escape the house while you have friends over?

How you ensured both get me-time? Do you have own rooms? How you comunicate the "do not distrupt me"? How you decide what tv show you watch? What furniture to buy? How finances go? What happens if you break up: how you divide your stuff, who moves out? (this one is a party pooper but one major thing to consider as then if things go south, you don't have to argue so much in stressful situation as there is agreement prehand).

How about food and cooking? Like I can't even stand the smell of bacon, so is it okay to ban that totally? Allergies and diets is one also.

How you commute to work? Is the location unfair to other?

Any big items moving, such as dog, massive CD collection or excercise equipment?

Waking up? When both of you are tired, when you have most energy? Do you snore?

Priorities about time usage with especially free time? How you use your time now? What you think will change? (Be super cautious about either one claiming something will change as most likely it won't)

What kind of routines you have?

Is it okay to listen music without headphones and what you listen?

Are you moving into the other person's appartment? This is important as there is easily lot of friction in case the place is already one's home and require changing into both's home. How you make the other person feel welcome and that the place is their home too? Also for the person changing more in the move it is a crisis and they probably will need a lot more support. Like it is unfair for the other to continue their life as if nothing happened and leave the other alone home in place where they know no-one. And just beacause the move can be really stressfull life change, the person moving may be really cranky, needy and so forward which should be understood and not seen as something unnatural and nasty.

Sex and kink related things can either be really difficult as reality might not be the fantasy you had. This is often about expectations. It's totally different to say "I serve you and do what you want" in play and in LDR where as at home 24/7 with stresses and comitments for outside world... well, situation may require lot more flexibility and reading the other person's mood.

Also it may be hard to open up same way as in chat or in videocall as the other person is so close. Take it as learning curve where you need to get used to to the other person being around lot more.

 

Main thing: what sort of expectations you have about the move and life after it? For example: "I'm so waiting that we can every evening sit on sofa together and drink tea" vs. "I want to go jogging alone and then fall asleep with you".

And always acknowledge that this is a major change and friction is to be expected. When you are prepared for issues, it's easier to deal with them and not blame the other as person when really it is the situation and you getting to know each other better and polising the sharp edges of the rel, so that you have smoother sail later.

[Nymph]

Moving a few states away is not as bad. If you have not traveled much it might still be a bit of culture shock since people attitudes can change a lot but you won't have to deal with language barriers or big cultural gaps... believe me that is not fun, sounds like it's just getting used to living together for you guys.

Make the move when you are ready, being ready means enough emergency money mostly. At the very least for a ticket back home, Ideally for your own place if you already have a job secured there if you are working so you can stay in your new job if things don't work out. If you will not be working then ask for a small allowance you can use towards a class or something you like where you can socialize a bit and make new friends outside his circle.

Remember that your new home is both yours and his, so no need to tiptoe and ask permission for everything like a guest but do be mindful of him. Try to pay attention to details or simply ask, an example would be, maybe you are doing your laundry and decide to help with his. but turns out he hangs everything while you use some drawers and then he can't find any of the clothes.

You might be tempted to do 24/7 right away, burnout is a thing, ease into it. I did that with hubby and now I realize it was a mistake, he was never as into it as I was and now he is done with it. If you feel he is going too fast/intense likewise ask him to slow down and take a good look in the mirror and be honest with yourself, what are your wants and what are your needs? your wants can wait for a long time, your needs not that much.

Best of luck on this new chapter of your relationship~

[Guest]

woo this is a big thing! but dont worry, it may seem daunting but this is just a new chapter in your life.

I wanted to take some time to really think over what your asking and my own experience of this. 

First things first, all of Baby K and Nymph advice is amazing, I can't add much more than what they said about taking time to adjust to each other, and having patience with your partner. 

I posted a while back about how stressed I was, one component being adjusting to having a whole other human with their own quirks, habits, and personality.

Even after knowing my fiance for 2 years before moving in together, It was a huge adjustment. Since there's a difference between having a few days together, where we can be on our best behaviors and being with someone every day while adjusting on who does what chores, what "clean" means to the other person.

I came into this move with a very open mind that there would be a lot of adjustments, it would affect my anxiety, it would not be some fairytale transition but even with that I became overwhelmed a lot at the start and even lashed out at my partner with my frustrations. It has taken a lot of communication for us to now have a sense of some organization, and a loose schedule after living together since July.

 

I hope this helped even though it was mostly random stuff x) and if you have more questions, im happy to answer. 

[MissNMTX]

Congratulations! Such a big step. I have no advice, I've lived on my own for so long that I'd probably be horrid at living with someone, honestly. I just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from and I'm glad you have a caring partner to go on this journey with.

[Cebakes]

Tons of good info above.  Make sure that both of you make a point to do things by yourselves,  and not together,  from time to time.  It really is healthy, and makes you want to be with that person. Don’t ever let anything become routine about living together and always make sure you have special times out and about together. Since you will be new to his city, hopefully he will show you all kinds of cool things.  If you are curious or don’t understand something, ask questions and communicate.   Like in the movie Stepbrothers, see if he has any bugaboos…😂

[DaddysMonkey]

On 10/15/2022 at 5:35 PM, CodeName: Trouble said:

I’m looking for guidance, stories, or just a little advice… about moving, relationships, or learning to let yourself be vulnerable with someone else. What learning curves did you face, and what obstacles were you able to overcome? What did you learn about yourself along the way?

Hiiiiiiiii 😬👋🏻

It’s extremely mature and intelligent to be aware this isn’t going to be an easy thing. Moving to a new place in general is difficult let alone moving in with someone. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone or how much in person time you’ve spent with someone… living with someone is tooootally different. 
 

As far as Dad and I go , we’ve lived together for about ten years now. We moved in way too quick , about after a month or two of knowing each other he quite literally gave me a key to is apartment and told me to move in whenever I wanted and I had free reign. I was only 18-19 at the time so I didn’t really see any red flags. (Thank god he didn’t end up a complete psychopath)  I was much more inexperienced and excited that anyone like him even wanted me. I took the opportunity and I moved into his home without knowing each other very well. I’m very anal about household duties , I’m very particular about how things are kept and my time is spent. 

Dad and myself have spent the last ten years or so figuring out what works best for us still , life is a work in progress. Over time we’ve developed into me having my own room and I have free reign to sleep in his bed whenever I see fit or whenever he deems it necessary and directs me to sleep in his bed. Most of the household duties fall on myself (which I prefer because he never does anything the way I like it) unless I specifically ask him to do things for me. I’m also very particular about how I spend my free time because it’s so far and few between I actually have time to relax or do things for myself. It took Dad a long time to learn that I’m a hermit and that I prefer to isolate sometimes to recoup my social energy without his feelings being hurt.

After developing our relationship and dynamic after almost eleven years now (this November will be eleven years actually) , we have moved @Expired into our home. 

We have both known Brother for about 7-8 years now. He started as my best friend and we slowly built our relationship into something deeper , and at the same time Dad had built a lot of trust for him (as well as Brother for Dad). Things between the three of us are still a work in progress as Dad adjusts to having another caregiver in the home as well as Brother having to adjust to living with new people and *being* a caregiver in person. 
 

I’ve definitely had to learn how to accept help. I’m used to just doing everything such as chores , cooking , prepping meals. It’s been hard adjusting having Brother in the house helping do things. Especially him helping with dishes so much , that’s been the bane of my existence since Dad eats so much. It’s really hard for me to just say “I’d love your help , thank you.” Brother is slowly teaching me to relax and accept help around the house. 
 

It’s also been a learning curve being little in front of someone other than Dad openly. Not the cheeky little shit that I always am , but the smaller and more vulnerable me. Brother has gotten to see a lot more fragility in me the last month living with us than he’s seen in the last 7-8 years or so. 
 

It’s been hard for me to adjust my free time also , I’m so used to isolating myself and just doing my own thing? It’s not that Brother or Dad are overly clingy , but I just get so overwhelmed with people around me. I love both of them dearly and with everything in me and I love serving them … I just really like my alone time. I’ve had to learn how to tell both of them that I need or want space without getting anxious and lashing out. 
 

I was actually pretty impressed with Brothers dietary transitions. Dad and I are both vegan , and I made sure Brother knew that he didn’t have to change his eating habits to live with us. He has just been eating everything we normally eat and as far as his reactions show , he’s enjoying all the food 🥰 

The way I do chores and prepare meals I suppose has been my hardest adjustment as well as excepting help from either of them. 
 

The way you described it being very sitcom like…. Is very accurate to our life and dynamic 😅 We have a lot of laughs and the obstacles we’ve faced have been minor so far. Brother has only been with us for working on a month now but the experience just keeps getting better and better. 

I personally think our dynamic is unique because we have all known each other for so long and had a family dynamic before Brother becoming a true caregiver that it all just felt fluid and natural. 
 

I haven’t heard of many dynamics like ours (Male , Male , Female) let alone all of us living together in real life. 
 

I would be very interested in hearing others experience’s and I hope you’re goes swimmingly. 💪🏻

Edited October 31, 2022 by DaddysMonkey
Spelling and grammar edits , I was drunk 😅

[Expired]

I don’t really have advice I guess but I’d say as something I’ve experienced I have known @DaddysMonkey and her partner for 7-8 years like she said I had become really close friends with monkey over the years and it turned into something much deeper than just friendship and its something I couldn’t really be prepared for, moving in that is. There’s the saying you never truly know some one until you live with them which honestly didn’t really feel all that different but I had been going to their house every weekend for a bit before moving in I feel like being able to adapt really well would help given not everyone has the same dynamic as the three of us id say quality time and alone time is important same as communication and boundaries as for quality time me and monkey go on morning walks and see tons of cats and get some fresh air being active to start your day feels as though it resets your brain a bit gives you clearer thought haven’t gotten to do much with pa yet he’s a pretty busy guy but we do car stuff we all have separate rooms so we get alone time or a place to go if we want alone time communication is big though something we’re all still working on take time to sit down and talk about some do’s and don’ts and try to come to an agreement I just kind of mimick what I see when it comes to cleaning if I have time I’ll just doing to take some of the weight off monkeys shoulders and when she preps lunches I try to make sure everyone takes theirs splitting the work load makes a hell of a difference too all in all the trio dynamic is all new to me but I feel as though we all mesh pretty well and I’m happy I moved in with them both we are a unit and becoming a very good team 

Edited October 31, 2022 by Expired

[CodeName: Trouble]

On 10/16/2022 at 6:50 AM, baby_k said:

And always acknowledge that this is a major change and friction is to be expected. When you are prepared for issues, it's easier to deal with them and not blame the other as person when really it is the situation and you getting to know each other better and polising the sharp edges of the rel, so that you have smoother sail later.

On 10/17/2022 at 1:36 AM, Alana_Lala said:

Even after knowing my fiance for 2 years before moving in together, It was a huge adjustment. Since there's a difference between having a few days together, where we can be on our best behaviors and being with someone every day while adjusting on who does what chores, what "clean" means to the other person.

I came into this move with a very open mind that there would be a lot of adjustments, it would affect my anxiety, it would not be some fairytale transition but even with that I became overwhelmed a lot at the start and even lashed out at my partner with my frustrations. It has taken a lot of communication for us to now have a sense of some organization, and a loose schedule after living together since July.

Survived the move and we are a month into cohabitating! So far we have pretty effectively neutralized anything before they become big issues..... ^^^ but this is definitely something that I've noticed. BIG thank you for the advice here. Because I have this in the back of my mind, I ask myself "what is REALLY causing this problem" whenever arguments/disagreements come up instead of taking them personally. We've been able to talk things through and self reflect more effectively as a result. 💚

Allot of the time, being tired and just forgetting to communicate is the issue. Other times, its unknown triggers and past trauma... Those are a little trickier. I figured I would struggle with being open and vulnerable, but not that feeling open and vulnerable would actually hurt. It can be hard to show the people we love our broken pieces, but so far patience, kindness and communication are winning. We will smooth out those sharp edges eventually.

aaaand yes 'clean' means vastly different things to both of us.... At this time, I have pretty much taken over the chores until further notice. 😂 Cleaning is my favorite coping mechanism and acts of service is one of my love languages, so for right now this works great.

Thanks so much everyone for your input so far  Its greatly appreciated.