Advice on getting to know a little/middle with PTSD

[Cebakes]

So I have some personal experience dealing with this but not with a potential middle or a little.   I’ve met someone local and we’ve been chatting for several days.  It was quickly clear that she has very strong trust issues, which isn’t unusual, and she admitted as much after a day. 

She shared with me that her father passed away at a very early age, and that she was a victim of grooming, as well as physical and psychological abuse.  She really hasn’t shared any details on this and I’m not going to to probe or try to offer thoughts on these things at this point.

We haven’t done any flirting or discussed things in the bedroom, but it’s pretty clear we would line up well and it’s not necessary or appropriate to be going down that path at this point.  I will certainly be very sensitive of things to get a real understanding of her desires and possible limits.

She really likes the fact that I am a single parent and raised my four kids on my own for years, I’m stable, fun, and protective.

I”d be curious to hear your thoughts on how to make someone like this comfortable, dealing with her PTSD, establishing trust, first date ideas, etc.  She said she is not sure if she is a middle or a little. I don’t have much experience with Littles. She has talked about liking things such as coloring, watching movies, stuffies, cuddles, onzies,.
 

 

 

 

[Nymph]

Is she going to therapy? I have noticed a lot of people wander to the lifestyle hoping it can fix their issues... the lifestyle does not replace therapy, if she doesn't feel ready to do it nobody can really help her yet, she needs to give that first step. You could look into her options I suppose, to make things easier for when she is ready.

You also need to be wary that some people use victim labels to take advantage of daddies that are sweet and caring, so keep your eyes open for red flags and don't let her walk over you. Last thing we need is nice daddies getting jaded >_<

This is a relationship like any other with two consenting adults... you earn the trust by being honest and patient. All littles/middles are different so only she can tell you what she likes. If she already said she might be more than a little that is probably a hint she is def not a babygirl so not into sippy cups and diapers at least. My little age is about 12 and I rarely care for stuffies, maybe she is around 9? merchandise from her favorite movies are probably great gifts.

[Andriel_Isilien]

1 hour ago, Nymph said:

Is she going to therapy? I have noticed a lot of people wander to the lifestyle hoping it can fix their issues... the lifestyle does not replace therapy, if she doesn't feel ready to do it nobody can really help her yet, she needs to give that first step. You could look into her options I suppose, to make things easier for when she is ready.

I second this. PTSD, grooming, and abuse are HEAVY stuff to be navigating through life with let alone in a relationship. Sometimes therapy isn't for everyone but there at least needs to be some effort in healing and helping oneself work through such trauma. Relationships are nice to help in this but having a partner isn't a magic bullet. You can only be supportive of the journey that they must make themselves. Is she doing that? What steps is she taking in strengthening trust? I myself have been working on CBT & DBT to improve my own trust issues among other things.

 

3 hours ago, Cebakes said:

I will certainly be very sensitive of things to get a real understanding of her desires and possible limits.

That is most commendable of you! Be sure that you are also checking with your own desires and possible limits. Being in a relationship with someone that has gone through abuse is not easy. My best advice, given what you have shared of the situation, is take things slowly. Keep chatting like you have, especially about non-kink topics. Maybe first date ideas can be in public at a park, a festival or faire, window shopping at a mall, or something open ended that you can walk around to check things out but still allows the both of you to chat. I really like going to thrift stores to adopt a stuffie.

[Cebakes]

14 hours ago, Nymph said:

Is she going to therapy? I have noticed a lot of people wander to the lifestyle hoping it can fix their issues... the lifestyle does not replace therapy, if she doesn't feel ready to do it nobody can really help her yet, she needs to give that first step. You could look into her options I suppose, to make things easier for when she is ready.

You also need to be wary that some people use victim labels to take advantage of daddies that are sweet and caring, so keep your eyes open for red flags and don't let her walk over you. Last thing we need is nice daddies getting jaded >_<

This is a relationship like any other with two consenting adults... you earn the trust by being honest and patient. All littles/middles are different so only she can tell you what she likes. If she already said she might be more than a little that is probably a hint she is def not a babygirl so not into sippy cups and diapers at least. My little age is about 12 and I rarely care for stuffies, maybe she is around 9? merchandise from her favorite movies are probably great gifts.

I have not asked her about therapy. I am very sensitive to initiating certain topics in our discussions. Ill get an understanding of that at some point.

 

12 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

I second this. PTSD, grooming, and abuse are HEAVY stuff to be navigating through life with let alone in a relationship. Sometimes therapy isn't for everyone but there at least needs to be some effort in healing and helping oneself work through such trauma. Relationships are nice to help in this but having a partner isn't a magic bullet. You can only be supportive of the journey that they must make themselves. Is she doing that? What steps is she taking in strengthening trust? I myself have been working on CBT & DBT to improve my own trust issues among other things.

 

That is most commendable of you! Be sure that you are also checking with your own desires and possible limits. Being in a relationship with someone that has gone through abuse is not easy. My best advice, given what you have shared of the situation, is take things slowly. Keep chatting like you have, especially about non-kink topics. Maybe first date ideas can be in public at a park, a festival or faire, window shopping at a mall, or something open ended that you can walk around to check things out but still allows the both of you to chat. I really like going to thrift stores to adopt a stuffie.

As I mentioned above, I need to get an understanding of where she’s been and where she is today. I’ve helped women with weight loss, panic, anxiety, self image, and careers, but this is much different.

I have been thinking about trying to find a place in public and most likely will let her suggest a place that she knows. She does live very close to me so that is nice. 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Cebakes

[Cebakes]

14 hours ago, Nymph said:

Is she going to therapy? I have noticed a lot of people wander to the lifestyle hoping it can fix their issues... the lifestyle does not replace therapy, if she doesn't feel ready to do it nobody can really help her yet, she needs to give that first step. You could look into her options I suppose, to make things easier for when she is ready.

You also need to be wary that some people use victim labels to take advantage of daddies that are sweet and caring, so keep your eyes open for red flags and don't let her walk over you. Last thing we need is nice daddies getting jaded >_<

This is a relationship like any other with two consenting adults... you earn the trust by being honest and patient. All littles/middles are different so only she can tell you what she likes. If she already said she might be more than a little that is probably a hint she is def not a babygirl so not into sippy cups and diapers at least. My little age is about 12 and I rarely care for stuffies, maybe she is around 9? merchandise from her favorite movies are probably great gifts.

I was thinking about this, and it’s quite possible that the abuse occurred from multiple daddies.  She did not come right  out and say that, but some of the things that she said lead me to believe that has happened.  

[Nymph]

I wouldn't be surprised, usually we tend to choose what is familiar even if it's not the best for us, she might not even be aware. A public place is always a good idea to meet someone, personally I like coffee because it's more laid back and it can be kept short if necessary or extend to dinner if you guys are getting along great.

[Vampiress]

I am a little with PTSD and it is imperative that she has taken steps in her life to heal both on her own and with the help of a therapist. If she has chosen to stagnate it will be a very difficult uphill battle for you, and could be a massive undertaking for you. This is definitely something you need to figure out at some point. If she's anything like me she may be an overthinker that is on some level always in survival mode trying to think of every possible outcome and preparing for the absolute worst. She may be prone to negative self-talk, being fearful, anxious, etc. You'll need to be extra observant to pick up on her patterns of self-protection and how they affect her and the people around her. You may find she is extra sensitive to stuff you'd never even think of someone being upset about in a relationship or friendship, and it is important if you brace yourself for that and try to be patient even if it seems to come way out of left field and come as a shock. If you react poorly or defensively it could blow up into a worse issue. Since PTSD comes from a pleace of fear and anxiety you just have to kind of prepare yourself for any number of issues that may arise. If you're resilient enough you can work past these things and prove yourself to be a reliable and trustworthy individual and maybe get past her walls. However, she does have to be willing to compromise and let you in. If she can't do that you will have a tough time getting to an understanding you're both comfortable with. These sorts of relationships take work, but if you're both willing to work at it the effort can be fruitful. If either of you is unwilling, then perhaps best to remain as friends.

[Cebakes]

2 hours ago, Vampiress said:

I am a little with PTSD and it is imperative that she has taken steps in her life to heal both on her own and with the help of a therapist. If she has chosen to stagnate it will be a very difficult uphill battle for you, and could be a massive undertaking for you. This is definitely something you need to figure out at some point. If she's anything like me she may be an overthinker that is on some level always in survival mode trying to think of every possible outcome and preparing for the absolute worst. She may be prone to negative self-talk, being fearful, anxious, etc. You'll need to be extra observant to pick up on her patterns of self-protection and how they affect her and the people around her. You may find she is extra sensitive to stuff you'd never even think of someone being upset about in a relationship or friendship, and it is important if you brace yourself for that and try to be patient even if it seems to come way out of left field and come as a shock. If you react poorly or defensively it could blow up into a worse issue. Since PTSD comes from a pleace of fear and anxiety you just have to kind of prepare yourself for any number of issues that may arise. If you're resilient enough you can work past these things and prove yourself to be a reliable and trustworthy individual and maybe get past her walls. However, she does have to be willing to compromise and let you in. If she can't do that you will have a tough time getting to an understanding you're both comfortable with. These sorts of relationships take work, but if you're both willing to work at it the effort can be fruitful. If either of you is unwilling, then perhaps best to remain as friends.

I appreciate all of the comments and thoughts on this.  Unfortunately her issues appear to be very deep and I’m not sure where she stands with counseling and therapy. It feels like she has a long way to go for recovery or to get better.   I think we both saw that she is not ready for a relationship or to even put herself out there.

There is a part of me that wants to try to help her, but I do have to be realistic about starting a relationship with such a troubled person.  I will always stick by my partner when problems arise, but it’s much different when meeting someone new, and they aren’t opening up to you, due to their issues.

 

 

 

[baby_k]

23 hours ago, Cebakes said:

Unfortunately her issues appear to be very deep and I’m not sure where she stands with counseling and therapy. It feels like she has a long way to go for recovery or to get better.   I think we both saw that she is not ready for a relationship or to even put herself out there.

 

Just one note: even if person is going to theraphy, they may not be excatly relationship material. It is often seen as some sort of limit whether one should go forward with someone if they are treating their issues in theraphy. But even it's one good step of trying to get better, it doesn't yet mean one is ready in any way for relationship. Nor that they would be somehow decent partner: people with issues, well, have issues. How those issues are visible in everyday life will define what sort of partner the person is. Someone not even in theraphy may be absolutely amazing partner even with their problems, and someone who has been years in theraphy (or who has "passed theraphy") may be absolute nightmare.

Typically person with issues will require a lot more understanding and flexibility from thir partner than someone with no specific massive problems. Even obviously no one is perfect. Some people don't mind the challenge, to some it's too much. And sometimes the problems just make things impossible, or at leats create situation where it might be better to wait that the person is in better spot in their life before trying to have relationship: for their sake and yours.

[Cebakes]

2 hours ago, baby_k said:

 

Just one note: even if person is going to theraphy, they may not be excatly relationship material. It is often seen as some sort of limit whether one should go forward with someone if they are treating their issues in theraphy. But even it's one good step of trying to get better, it doesn't yet mean one is ready in any way for relationship. Nor that they would be somehow decent partner: people with issues, well, have issues. How those issues are visible in everyday life will define what sort of partner the person is. Someone not even in theraphy may be absolutely amazing partner even with their problems, and someone who has been years in theraphy (or who has "passed theraphy") may be absolute nightmare.

Typically person with issues will require a lot more understanding and flexibility from thir partner than someone with no specific massive problems. Even obviously no one is perfect. Some people don't mind the challenge, to some it's too much. And sometimes the problems just make things impossible, or at leats create situation where it might be better to wait that the person is in better spot in their life before trying to have relationship: for their sake and yours.

Those are some great points.  I have personal experience with marriage counseling, having my kids in counseling,   counseling for myself after divorce, drug alcohol rehab/counseling. So between myself, ex-wife, and kids, I saw the best of it, and how it didn’t work when people didn’t buy in.  
 

She did share with me in an email last night what I view as a major issue that she struggles with. We’ve been chatting about common interests that we both have, and what she is dealing with does not totally scare me away.  Hopefully she will open up to me and tell me what she is doing about this issue and where she is in recovery.

I was a headhunter for almost 33 years, the majority of those years I recruited presidents and CEOs for companies. I have no problem asking tough questions to people and really getting to the heart of things.   I do have a non-threatening Way about me and have the ability to get people to open up to me. 
 

i’m sure I will have a pretty good understanding of things, sooner than later. If I saw things that were too wild or scared me off, I would let her know.   Based on what she shared with me last night, I am still interested in chatting further and getting to know more about her.

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Cebakes

[Skeezix]

I'm not sure if you are still engaged with this person or not, but I thought I would give my perspective, as a person with CPTSD and deep trust issues, for anyone who happens to read this thread. Please don't infer anything as directed at, or a criticism of what is written above. 

It has been my experience that while getting to know people there comes a point where they will ask something that I am not comfortable answering, at least not in that moment. Too often I get a response of "I shared with you, it's disrespectful to not share with me." This is not ok. boundaries must be respected. This behaviour has actually worsened my trust issues. I want to share, but in the past that is how I have been hurt. If you want to learn about someones deep emotional scars, it's going to take a lot of time, patience and trust building. I realize that can be frustrating, but that's how it is.

PTSD is also not curable. Anyone thinking "I just need to fix them so we can be together" will inevitably do harm. It is something that one copes with, and your goal should be helping them to cope.

I hope someone finds that helpful.

 

[TravisWhitaker]

It's also important to remember that PTSD is not something that can be ""fixed"" by someone else. It's a condition that individuals learn to cope with, and providing support in their coping journey can make a significant difference. Understanding this and offering empathy and assistance can contribute positively to their well-being.

If you or anyone reading this is facing a mental health crisis, please don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health crisis hotline. They are there to provide immediate support and assistance when it's needed the most. Take care of yourself and others, and let's continue fostering understanding and compassion.

Edited July 31, 2023 by TravisWhitaker

[Erasmeus71]

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide.She definitely needs counseling. On top of abuse from giving PTSD. That was father being abused. Verbally abused also. One is not only going to be wary of another person's intentions. Being bullied can cause PTSD. I was bullied. I pushed my classmates away since I did not trust those other boys. However if she was abused by someone that was a male like perhaps father or someone else. Verbally also. She would be very wary of another male no matter what his intention happens to be. In fact PTSD can make one be suicidal also. A girl being demeaned called names they start to think that. This would be why a girl would have low self esteem. I would use one rule as my Daddy rules. Tell me how you feel? 2) Write in a journal. 3) Not sure I would let her shave herself if she uses the blade to cut herself. Just some thoughts