People Pleasing in Recovery

[Andriel_Isilien]

Hi, nice to meet you all 👋 I'm Andriel, and I'm a people pleaser in recovery.

Some of you may have heard in my status update about an assignment my therapist gave me a month ago to instill in me the confidence of "I don't owe anyone anything, especially my peace." It was to walk into a store, try their samples, and then walk out without buying anything despite the peer pressure I feel. That simple exercise went pretty well as I succeeded. 😁 A few days ago I had a real life situation of this kind of test sprung upon me. But it wasn't the pressure of exchanging money that I was put under. This is was heavier. I lost sleep over it as my old friend of panic came to visit. I now feel proud how I handled it and wish to share in order to encourage others to advocate and trust your instincts.

There is a local ageplay/ddlg munch group I joined that meets up once a month in my area and has a discord channel. A guy that I met face to face there introduced himself as a newbie and very eager to learn how to be a caregiver in this world of ddlg and such. That's cool and all to discover this aspect of oneself. 🙂 I always encourage people on their journey in being their true selves. He had some questions to message me about and I said sure since I did say I discovered I was a little about 5 years ago. Turns out he wants to practice "playing" even though he still very wet behind the ears. 😬 I misunderstood that he wants to learn by means of literal hands-on experience. His eagerness became quite alarming as I was explaining that I don't want to be in a dynamic/relationship this fast especially since he doesn't know what he is doing. Plus, I just met him. I offered him directions to sources to get a mentor specifically designed for new daddies/caregivers, but he kept insisting that he learns best by practicing in real life with a partner. 😩 *sigh* That's when I had a little battle in my head trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but also concerned by him ignoring my suggestions. I slept on it (ALWAYS a good tip 😉 btw) and then I messaged him firmly stating that I am by no means qualified nor comfortable being a mentor for another caregiver/daddy. With littles I don't mind being a big sister or friend to them, but THIS makes me highly uncomfortable. He then stepped down to being thinking buddies which I thought, "Ok, but I'm watching you carefully if you try to push out of that." 👀

Yet, I still couldn't shake off that this guy is so new, doesn't know what he is doing, and wants to learn this fast. It's ok to be eager but I feel that more care and thought should be taken into consideration ESPECIALLY when another party member is to be involved with this type of exchange of power. The old me questioned if I was overreacting and the usual gaslighting that I do to myself. But I decided that I can at least message the mods/admins in our munch group if they perhaps know of a mentor "in real life" in our area that he could click with and benefit from. That's what mods/admins are for, right? WELL..... turns out I'm not the only little/sub this fellow has so "eagerly" approached to practice playing with. 😓 He hasn't crossed any lines of consent so far, but the mod did tell me that this guy is showing behaviors of ignoring the 4-hour lecture the admin of our group gave him and the suggestion to get himself a mentor. 😬Ooof!!

I am so so SO glad I spoke up to give my side of the story and see the bigger picture on what's unfolding here. 😌 The admin even joked about sedating this dude LOL I have been thinking about sharing this experience about what I have learned and the importance of advocating for yourself NO MATTER how trivial it may appear. That's something I love about this community. I feel such support here and it really is helping me to learn and grow to better myself. 😊 This fellow isn't banned or anything. Like I said, he hasn't committed any crimes yet and hopefully NEVER will as he settles into the group. But at least I did my part to say something, ask questions about the situation, and the admins are giving me sound advice.

What do you think about all that? Could this have gone terribly wrong and be harmful? Maybe, maybe not. 🤷‍♀️ That's not the point. What matters is that I didn't stoop to my old ways of suppressing my gut feelings for the sake of "being nice". You always have a right to withhold your trust from someone else until you feel they have earned it. It's ok to reach out for some support or to ask a question for clarification rather than keeping it in. This is your peace and you deserve to protect it big or small.

Love you all here! 💗🤗

[DaddysMonkey]

2 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

This is was heavier. I lost sleep over it as my old friend of panic came to visit. I now feel proud how I handled it and wish to share in order to encourage others to advocate and trust your instincts.

* REALLY AGGRESSIVE PROUD CLAPPING * YES ! I am so proud of you too ! This means so much to me that you shared this experience not only for yourself but for others to learn and what to possibly look out for. Thank you 💖

“I always encourage people on their journey in being their true selves. He had some questions to message me about and I said sure since I did say I discovered I was a little about 5 years ago. Turns out he wants to practice "playing" even though he still very wet behind the ears. 😬”

Yuck…. I hate when people try to get in all slick under the guise of treating someone like a mentor only for it to lead to some very creepy (imo) behavior such as this. Practicing ? Mmm. That makes my stomach turn , people role play consensually all the time but this feels like tricky wording to try to get someone to do something without actually asking for it. 
 

“That's when I had a little battle in my head trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but also concerned by him ignoring my suggestions. I slept on it (ALWAYS a good tip 😉 btw) and then I messaged him firmly stating that I am by no means qualified nor comfortable being a mentor for another caregiver/daddy. With littles I don't mind being a big sister or friend to them, but THIS makes me highly uncomfortable. He then stepped down to being thinking buddies which I thought, "Ok, but I'm watching you carefully if you try to push out of that." 👀”

 

You were being so fucking helpful ! 😪 Leading him in a direction where he could get the information and help he was looking for , you took the time to explain your feelings and even stepped away to think on it long enough to make a choice based on reason rather than emotion. Good on you dude , and ignoring your suggestions ? ! That is SO SO alarming. If someone were to tell me they felt they were not qualified to teach me something I would take their honesty to heart and keep looking. Yuck vibes all the way from this guy so far. And here you are , still being kind but watching carefully. I don’t blame you for keeping a close eye out ! 
 

“The old me questioned if I was overreacting and the usual gaslighting that I do to myself. But I decided that I can at least message the mods/admins in our munch group if they perhaps know of a mentor "in real life" in our area that he could click with and benefit from. That's what mods/admins are for, right? WELL..... turns out I'm not the only little/sub this fellow has so "eagerly" approached to practice playing with. 😓 He hasn't crossed any lines of consent so far, but the mod did tell me that this guy is showing behaviors of ignoring the 4-hour lecture the admin of our group gave him and the suggestion to get himself a mentor. 😬Ooof!!”

 

Thats such a shifty feeling /: I am so sorry you even had to feel this way and question yourself on if you’re overreacting or not. (You totally weren’t.) This person has done this to multiple people within such a short time span ? Yeaaap , I don’t like that. It reminds me of those guys who send a message to like 20 different girls , but accidentally (or don’t realize) they sent it to a huge group chat and get caught up. I mean , gossip isn’t friendly or nice…. But people do talk. They will speak to mentors or people they trust that they can confide in , did this guy really not think at least ONE of you guys would say something to someone ? What balls on this one. Balls I’d like to kick. 
 

“I have been thinking about sharing this experience about what I have learned and the importance of advocating for yourself NO MATTER how trivial it may appear. That's something I love about this community. I feel such support here and it really is helping me to learn and grow to better myself.”

* MORE PROUD CLAPPING * Again , I am so proud and grateful that you shared this. I always feel like I’m annoying and over sharing on this site and then you post something helpful , personal , and informative like this ! and this is exactly what this forum is all about (besides the fun shit too). It’s about sharing experiences like this and being able to help each other learn and maybe see patterns we could t before.. or even being proud of yourself ! I struggle in similar ways to you like this , and hearing you overcome this guys behavior and standing up for yourself has me punching the air and quietly monkey grunting so I don’t wake up Dad 🥹👊🏻 You being able to handle this situation in such a brave and intelligent manner while still being kind and understanding is something a lot of people can take away from. 

2 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

What do you think about all that? Could this have gone terribly wrong and be harmful? Maybe, maybe not. 🤷‍♀️ That's not the point. What matters is that I didn't stoop to my old ways of suppressing my gut feelings for the sake of "being nice". You always have a right to withhold your trust from someone else until you feel they have earned it. It's ok to reach out for some support or to ask a question for clarification rather than keeping it in.

I think you did an amazing job. I would’ve been a ball of anxiety the entire time , it inspires me to keep standing up for myself and possibly protecting others in the community. I believe you trusted your gut instinct , and it didn’t fail you. Sure , maybe this guy could’ve just been over eager to learn but it could’ve also ended up much worse. I’m a firm believer in trusting your gut and if something feels off or wrong… you should speak up and say something. Always. Even if right now in the moment nothing comes of it , it could be helpful in the future if your gut ends up being right in situations like these. 
 

This is also why I’m such an advocate on this site for reporting people you may feel are predatory , manipulative , or making you feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean they’ll be immediately banned or in trouble , but it can protect you and others and give the person a chance to learn and grow. 
 

Good on you for all of this dude , I am smiling ear to ear for how brave you are and also just kinda irritated cause I wanna flick this guy in the nose and stick him in a time out. 
 

🐾💖

[Vampiress]

Proud of you for handling this guy in your group the way you did. You were fair and polite but firm on your boundaries. That's literally the best you can do, and also great that you mentioned it to the group admins so they know of such behavior. It's a common tactic I see in the BDSM/DDlg communities because a lot of subs are people pleasers and the "Doms" know that. Ones who don't care about boundaries or want to get something easy will make suggestions like that trying to seem like their intentions are innocent when they're probably not. Always stand your ground with people like that no matter how hard it is, you'll save yourself from a lot of grief.

[Sloth Fairy]

Good for you. I'm also a recovering people pleaser.

 My first instinct is to be nice, and basically tiptoe around people to not upset them because that was what I had to learn growing up. "Don't rock the boat or you incur someone's wrath" was the mantra of my childhood. 

I guess as I've gotten older I realize I need to be stingy with how and with whom I spend my energy. It helps tremendously that I'm an introvert and people find me standoffish enough to not to approach me sometimes, lol. Anyhow I'm glad you reached out to the mods, that was the best thing you could have done. This guy sounds like some people I know in cosplay circles. Desperately eager to the point of being predatory. 

[Guest]

As so many people have said here, I am so so sooo proud of how you handled this and honestly in awe of your strength. I am a peaple pleaser myself, though I truly try my best the last year or so to try and get it under control, it still pops up when I'm under pressure. Seeing how you handle this helps me find tips and tricks on how to handle these types of situations in the future. 

I agree with the assessment monkey made,  this dude is a literal walking red flag who seemingly is preying on a community he believes he can get the upper hand on. I'm so thankful that you have a community and mods who are keeping an eye on all of your safety. 

Please please keep us posted on your journey. 💙

[Andriel_Isilien]

7 hours ago, DaddysMonkey said:

and hearing you overcome this guys behavior and standing up for yourself has me punching the air and quietly monkey grunting so I don’t wake up Dad 🥹👊🏻

"monkey grunting" hehehe, that's pretty cute. I was thinking to myself when sleeping on it, "What would Monkey do?" Maybe not to the same extent but I can manage some courage here. Thanks! 👊 Brofist

5 hours ago, Vampiress said:

It's a common tactic I see in the BDSM/DDlg communities because a lot of subs are people pleasers and the "Doms" know that

And that knowledge I don't want to take for granted. 

2 hours ago, Sloth Fairy said:

 My first instinct is to be nice, and basically tiptoe around people to not upset them because that was what I had to learn growing up. "Don't rock the boat or you incur someone's wrath" was the mantra of my childhood. 

YES! It was always my problem or my fault, so I became a turtle in hopes to not be targeted. Turtles are cute but that's not a healthy way to exist. 

52 minutes ago, Alana_Lala said:

Seeing how you handle this helps me find tips and tricks on how to handle these types of situations in the future. 

And that's why I wanted to share, to say, "See? I got so scared over something that is small. Or maybe it is big?" Chatting with people here about their struggles helps me see my own needs. 😊

[Guest Apophis]

Just wanted in to chime in with everyone else and say that you handled this really well. What really stood out to me was that not only were you successful in standing up for yourself, but you proved to yourself that you were capable of doing so. That's a powerful layer of security you've given yourself right there, and it will definitely serve you well in the future in case you ever encounter another fellow like that.

 

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Apophis

[Andriel_Isilien]

On 10/4/2022 at 4:49 PM, Apophis said:

That's a powerful layer of security you've given yourself right there

What my therapist has been encouraging me to focus on is believing that I am enough for myself; that I won't betray myself or my safety for others like I use to. I think little victories like this will help in those coming moments when I feel alone. 🥰 I am my best ally.

 

Btw, that otter GIF is super cute! 🧡

[baby_k]

Loved this post

Many people are raised to be nice, polite, and considerate. It's good to be nice and polite person as long as you have boundaries. But it also is good to understand that some people will easily use those good qualities against your benefit, on purpose or not.

People are gregarious animals which means we easily feel peer pressure or just "necessity"to go along social norms. Some of that is good, and makes us function better as  a group. Some of that is highly oppressing and breaking our friendly unity.

Shame and quilt are the key drivers often with these events. Typically those feelings are there to keep us in line, protect us from being deported from the safety of our group -so sort of good function. But sometimes it goes waaaay too far and is not used in productive manner.

There are a lot of people who seem super nice and reasonable but in reality they are amazingly good at using qualities above against us to get what they want -in such way that they could be seen as 'soo innocent'. There are red flags like ignoring one's feelings, creating quilty feelings for the other ( as who really wants to cause those on anyone? If your friend acts poorly, most of us just want them to fix that, not cause pain which quilt naturally is ), demonising people's feelings ( and thoughts ), gaslighting and creation of selfdoubt....

Imo the situation could have got really bad if OP had not stand her ground, and had given up her rights because "someone needs something". What I find interesting is how having someone else there to tell you "hey, your gut is sooo correct, you so have right to those feelings and I would feel the same in your shoes" seems to be so important to us. It's super easy to go to selfdoubt but one really strong antidote are people around you who can support you especially on moment of doubt -the advocates, as OP said.