DDLG/BDSM dynamics/relationships vs. Vanilla relationships

[Barney048]

Okay, sooo... I often see people complaining how much harder it is to find their significant other in the world of kink. But is it really? The issues people bring up are almost always of the Vanilla nature. In 80% the main issue is a lack of communication. 

A common occurence is also that people start the relationship as completely vanilla, so they don't scare away/overwhelm their partner. Then when the relationship is "solid", they try to slowly sway it into a kink direction, hoping that their partner will be more receptive of it once he/she is emotionally invested already. Smart, right? Fuck no! ... That's the same as you having a spouse/family already, but keeping quiet about it until your partner is in love with you. Then you introduce them to eachother and hope it ends with a threesome smh. 

The reason it often seems harder to find a partner in the world of kink, is because on top of  our emotional and sexual desires, we also have desires that "Normal" people do not. Because of those extra desires, people are often blinded to what should be obvious red flags. So they consequently go through more toxic relationships.

HOWEVER, once you are able to control those desires and approach things with a clear head, finding the right partner in the BDSM/DDLG world is actually easier than in the Vanilla world. Why? Well because at that point we are well aware of the dangers that a BDSM dynamic can bring, so we are careful and take the necessary precautions. We put a big emphasis on a potential partner's state of mind, their mental health, their emotional state, ... We take into account many things that "Vanilla people" generally do not, but should. Consequently clearheaded "Vanilla people" go through more failures than clearheaded individuals in the BDSM lifestyle.

Example from my everyday life:  I ocassionally do some blade smithing (still in the process of learning), but so far I only cut myself once, even though I am very clumbsy by nature. Why? Because I am very aware of how bloody a moment's distraction can get. But on the other hand I cut myself a couple times each month when I peel an apple or cut some bread. True story. 😑

Anyway, just some food for thought. It's a lazy sunday for me, so I did a post.😅

[Guest UnicornPuff]

I think it is easier to be upfront about the sexual and emotional needs in a kink relationship. That is the whole purpose we are on a kink website. The problems I am having in my relationship have nothing to do with kink. We have always been solid on that front. As you said, our issues stem from communication — same as any vanilla relationship.

[Andriel_Isilien]

This is another reason why I joined the kink community. I'm willing to give this a try after 16 years of frustration in the vanilla world. I did NOT know what I wanted or needed and other guys I dated did NOT know either for themselves. In fact, my marriage failed so hard because my ex approached me with a false identity being vanilla. I already had some idea about who I was (being a little and into Ddlg) but he ended up going through an identity crisis. We did everything we thought was right and I was introducing some of the BDSM to him to explore together because he asked and was very interested. Long story short, it blew up horribly. I now understand that my ex was merely suppressing his true self and masquerading to fit in with vanilla but couldn't keep it up. This wasn't who he is. He has severe anger issues too but that's besides the point. I'm not hardcore into BDSM so I easily pass as vanilla most of the time. Our marriage became VERY toxic. It's ok for my ex to have his identity, sexuality, desires for a different dynamic, and such. I just wished he knew himself better before making big commitments with me. I also wished I knew my limits better and wasn't so gullible to jump in with him. He couldn't be what he promised for me in the beginning. And I couldn't be for him what he ended up wanting. I think starting off with communication about our BDSM preferences, truthfully, would have saved us so much frustration and hurt.

I'm choosing to seek the confidence in myself and what I want even though I was raised to believe this was all "taboo". What's taboo is lying to yourself and to others about who you are just for the sake of fitting in. Nobody wins in that equation. I'd rather be true to myself and be with someone who is true to themselves. BDSM highlights that awareness and the standards of consent, safety, and being sane before playing around.  Vanilla doesn't talk enough about love bombing, manipulation, mental health, abuse, and such.

 

I do wonder if the books and films "50 Shades of Grey" made things better or worse in the BDSM community? Because I don't know what it was like before that blew up.

[Barney048]

1 hour ago, andrielisilien said:

This is another reason why I joined the kink community. I'm willing to give this a try after 16 years of frustration in the vanilla world. I did NOT know what I wanted or needed and other guys I dated did NOT know either for themselves. In fact, my marriage failed so hard because my ex approached me with a false identity being vanilla. I already had some idea about who I was (being a little and into Ddlg) but he ended up going through an identity crisis. We did everything we thought was right and I was introducing some of the BDSM to him to explore together because he asked and was very interested. Long story short, it blew up horribly. I now understand that my ex was merely suppressing his true self and masquerading to fit in with vanilla but couldn't keep it up. This wasn't who he is. He has severe anger issues too but that's besides the point. I'm not hardcore into BDSM so I easily pass as vanilla most of the time. Our marriage became VERY toxic. It's ok for my ex to have his identity, sexuality, desires for a different dynamic, and such. I just wished he knew himself better before making big commitments with me. I also wished I knew my limits better and wasn't so gullible to jump in with him. He couldn't be what he promised for me in the beginning. And I couldn't be for him what he ended up wanting. I think starting off with communication about our BDSM preferences, truthfully, would have saved us so much frustration and hurt.

I'm choosing to seek the confidence in myself and what I want even though I was raised to believe this was all "taboo". What's taboo is lying to yourself and to others about who you are just for the sake of fitting in. Nobody wins in that equation. I'd rather be true to myself and be with someone who is true to themselves. BDSM highlights that awareness and the standards of consent, safety, and being sane before playing around.  Vanilla doesn't talk enough about love bombing, manipulation, mental health, abuse, and such.

 

I do wonder if the books and films "50 Shades of Grey" made things better or worse in the BDSM community? Because I don't know what it was like before that blew up.

Sigh ... This here is the biggest issue most people go through. They don't try find the picture they fit into, but rather try to forcibly fit into the picture they want to/is expected of them. But ofcourse you can't make it stick in the long run, and everyone ends up suffering. 

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you obviously learned from the experiance, so in the long run it's still a win. I hope that your ex is being honest with himself now and goes to therapy, otherwise he'll just keep suffering, and even more so the people around him.

As for 50 shades of gray. I think it did way more harm than good. Yes BDSM is more out in the open now, it got publicity. I know individuals that have decided to "give it a go" due to the movie, which isn't really a good thing. Let's say there's a book that covers everything about BDSM and kink. 50 shades of gray would be those neat little illustrations every 20 pages. So people have seen those illustrations and now they try to replicate it without understanding anything.

And in the movie they start drafting up a contract after having met a couple times in public. When I saw that I was like "LoL".... The books are very good reads, but BDMS is illustrated very poorly. It shows that the writer can't really relate to it. She said that she was fascinated by BDSM, but that she found some of the individuals she interviewed very disturbing and can't understand them. It's normal tho, she wrote the books in a way that it would appeal to the masses and draw them in, not to educate them.

The BDSM community over here is very small. But ever since the movies came out , there was suddenly a drastic spike in people wanting to attend munches and events. Most for the wrong reasons and with zero etiquette that is usually requered at these kind of gatherings. I don't really go to these events anymore because of that. I just participate in munches every now and then with the older members. 

[kay0912]

My husband and I knew we were into kink & BDSM when we met, but I had personal truama to work through before I was ready to fully dive in. We would test the waters now and then, he was VERY patient with me and never pushed me into anything I wasn't ready for. I'm also autistic, and I can't live alone and have difficulty caring for myself in many aspects. My husband knew my needs going into the relationship and took on his Daddy role from the beginning without the official title. We negotiated sex even when it was just vanilla because I had a lot of triggers and it's the only way sex makes sense to me at all (I need things to be straightforward and clear). So it was easy for us to transition from vanilla to BDSM. Now we're in a 24/7 power dynamic and both of us are so much happier. We were happy before, but this dynamic feels more natural and makes more sense to both of us. We feel like our authentic selves more. He's always been very nurturing, patient and caring, and I have always felt little and I no matter how hard I try, I can't understand "adults" even though I'm almost 30.

We met on a vanilla dating site but we were both very thorough in answering the questionairres (a lot of sex questions) and we matched at 98% so the algorithm did a good job matching us lmao. 

[Accountable Daddy]

One of the major issues of dealing with a relationship through kink is a large number of people in kink groups are just looking for a sexual rush, get off, then move on. It's not about a lack of commitment. It's about never wanting more than a quick cum and go.

What's also frustrating is, in my opinion, all sexual kinks that have a power shift (which are nearly all sexual relationships) are just a traditional relationship stripped down to sex. Which makes it really fun when I have a harder time finding a girl who would like to be a housewife than would be happy as a cumdump. Even if the effect would be identical in the bedroom, the actual relationship isn't of interest.

And in both normal and kink relationships, people lie, are quiet about what they actually want (for a variety of reasons), or change their mind because they didn't know what they wanted at the time or a passive acceptance of something they didn't want finally came to a front. At least here in the US, there's a serious issue in considering actively seeking a proper and healthy relationship to be acceptable. People will actively attack you for making it clear you're single and looking for a serious relationship. But if you go out and talk about wanting a fling, we're so obscenely over-sexualized in the US that casual sex is cheered on.

I'm getting onto a rant, but long story short, what more people need to do is take some time to ask what they actually want in their life and in their relationship. And quit being passive about red flags. 

[Guest]

I agree with many here that 50 shades really opened the floodgates when it came to people finding kink, in both a good and bad way. I try my best to give all individual who are exploring the benefit of the doubt, but if I 50 shades comes up I do try to explain that while I'm glad that it opened them up to a secret side of themselves that they still need to research and learn from reputable sources. There were so many red flags in those books and movies, which I try to make sure they know about before they are preyed upon by ill intentioned individuals on either side of the slash. 

lol now to the question at hand, I personally always believed that people come into your life when you need them. While I think its important to have standards and preferences on what you want in a partner, I think many people get stuck in the laundry list of their "perfect partner" and miss out on finding the right partner. What i mean by that is no one is perfect, and finding a person you enjoy being around is the first step. You and your partner will grow together and both of your needs will change too. 
Once you do find a good partner,  I do believe kink relationships can be better than a vanilla relationship because communication and consent is continuously encouraged to be a part of every dynamic, so many of us dont feel as weird opening up about our dark secrets or desires as most vanilla couples do.. 
this of course is just my perspective on things