Friendship overseer ?

[DaddysMonkey]

Hi 👋🏻 

 

So , everyone’s dynamic is obviously extremely subjective , personal and molded for the people involved to all be happy and functioning healthily in their own ways. 

 

I ponder a lot of my own situations and thoughts and try to implement them here to make myself think , learn new things as well as make others learn and think. 

 

I found that I intrinsically have habits on this site involving one of my caregivers , and was curious if other smalls might have similar habits or even rules given by their caregiver similar to what I just naturally do. 

 

As most know , I have Dad and Big Brother @Expired. Because of Dad’s professional job and him being a soon to be company owner (he’s also just old and doesn’t do the whole forum thing) he does not want to have an account here or have his face shown on the forum. He trusts me to not get into mischief as in , I’m allowed to be a cheeky little shit but he knows I will bite the hand of any douche bag creep that comes at me further than friendship or tries to push boundaries. 

 

Brother however doesn’t seem to care having his face on here and has an account. 

 

Because he is the caregiver that has an account here , I consider him the overseer for me here. I trust my own judgment on people , but it’s comforting to have a caregiver to give their thoughts and opinion on people who might be trying to be involved in my life or try to be my friend. 

 

Now I suppose I already feel like an asshole because I’m an over-thinker , but despite being on the site since 2016 I only have about 25 ish followers. Logically , I know it’s because I pick and choose my friends wisely and don’t like the whole idea of just “collecting” friends because it makes you seem popular or something. Personally I find it rather alarming when someone has hundreds of followers , especially when they haven’t been here a number of years. ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY if it’s a new member who has only posted a personal , replied to personals and has no other content on their profile besides that and collecting friends. It just feels like a big farce. 

 

Since Brother has been taking over and delegating more as a caregiver in my life , and him having an account here I find myself doing more things on the opposite end because he is in that position of power. 

 

One of those things I find myself doing is asking for his approval of people and expressing whether he thinks they are fit to be my friend or not on here. 

 

I’ve always been wary anyways , and will often let requests sit a long while before approving or denying them if I haven’t seen the person be active yet or if they’re extremely new. 

 

I understand that because I have been on this site a long time and produced a large amount of content that has been widely seen by a lot of members , I will get requests from newbies. That doesn’t bother me , being a newbie doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is not knowing who you are as a person yet. So , I let them sit , I lurk and watch their behaviors and how they treat other people on the forum. It does however make me feel like a gatekeeper to my friendship. This is selfish and not a bad thing , but because I try to spread kindness I usually just feel like an asshole for only letting certain people be my “friend” on here. 

 

With Brother around , I like being able to text him and say “Hey , this person is trying to send me a request.” He can go to their profile , filter through their friends list , their content and their behaviors and he will let me know his opinions and whether he will allow me to add someone or not. Sometimes it’s a straight no , it’s obvious a dude is only here to collect a brothel of littles on their followers list. Other times it’s an I’m unsure , they’re brand new and have no content , others it’s just a yeah that’s fine. 

 

To some , this might sound overbearing or controlling or even like he isn’t letting me have friends. 

 

I prefer it this way. I have a terrible habit of people pleasing , and am susceptible to grooming behavior because of my avoidant issues. If someone is being sexual towards me or blatantly trying to push my boundaries , I have no problem getting into a fight and tearing a man’s ego down.. it’s the slow burners and manipulators that tend to wear me down over time. It makes me feel more secure , cared about and watched over having him to do this kind of vetting for potential friends. I can only imagine it makes him feel nice too , that I trust his judgment and opinion enough to allow him to have this power over my friends list. 

 

Does anyone else let or have their caregivers do this kind of vetting when you get friend requests ? 

Was it a mutual choice , did you bring it up and ask your caregiver to vet for you or was it a rule they gave you ? 

Does it make you feel secure ? 

Do you feel it’s beneficial for you and your partner ? 

 

I suppose the only run in I’ve had , is that I’ve noticed when I have denied a follower request a little thing pops up that says “they won’t be able to send you a request again” or something of the like. I explained this to Big Brother , because I felt bad for denying requests from people who are so new and fresh to the forum. If I deny their request because of a lack of content , what happens six months later when they’ve found their footing and proven themselves to actually be a member of the community and not just a fly by night dick wanker here to collect littles and pictures ? They won’t be able to send me a request again ? I’ve been letting most of the pending ones sit for a while because of this. 

@shadowrider Maybe you could give me some insight into this ? 
Brother suggested a time limit on requests instead of never being able to send one again. Like perhaps being able to send one a few months after it’s been denied , the timeframe gives newbies to build their content and show who they really are before sending another request after it’s been denied ? 

 

Does anyone else feel guilt for denying requests , even if you know logically you shouldn’t ? It makes me feel like a bully for denying requests 😕

 

Does anyone else get alarmed and almost immediately deny requests from dudes who have been here for two days and already have 50 followers that are only of the opposite sex ? 

 

Just some Monkey thoughts for everyone to ponder and possibly reply. 

🐾

 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by DaddysMonkey

[shadowrider]

47 minutes ago, DaddysMonkey said:

 

@shadowrider Maybe you could give me some insight into this ? 
Brother suggested a time limit on requests instead of never being able to send one again. Like perhaps being able to send one a few months after it’s been denied , the timeframe gives newbies to build their content and show who they really are before sending another request after it’s been denied ? 

 So I created a couple test accounts to test this out. I can find no settings or controls for turning off/on the feature that would control letting someone send a second request. I can look into having a mod made if that's an option, if enough people think we need it but that will take a little while.

It appears that the developers made it so that if you reject a request that person can never request you again. They get an error message. 

But you can request them even after denying their request. You can even unfollow then follow them again. But they cannot request you once denied.

I did manage to find a couple settings so you may now Unfollow someone, seems that was turned off as a default.

I also changed the auto follow back setting. This means if person A follows me but I do not want to follow them I do not have to. The follow can be one way. Which I prefer because since the update my list seems to have doubled and I have no idea who some of the members are and I do no collect or like being collected.

 

[Andriel_Isilien]

I am much more guarded and selective about my friends list and even those who follow me on FetLIfe. I swear, every other day I have to block someone because I don't feel comfortable with them viewing and/or messaging me after I have seen what they are about (or even the lack thereof because they hide everything). It's selfish but this is big me keeping little me safe since I am alone. It's nice to have a trusted ally to help you filter through these requests and followers. On this forum I am a bit more relaxed, but I still won't take requests from Daddydoms who have blank profiles and are collecting friends. I'm sure they won't miss me. 😉 I just let that list sit there as is because who knows??

Friendships from littles/middles I'm more open to because I have become comfortable being like a big sis both here and on Fet. But when a Dom wants to come in with little or nothing to show I don't feel safe. This I know I have to work on to feel confident in myself, but I get tired saying the same thing over and over in PMs. Most won't even bother to read my profile and go right on ahead ignoring the boundaries I wrote there. That's a red flag already from the start. To accept a follow/friend request from a Dom seems to encourage the idea that, "I'm single ready to mingle and want to jump into a relationship. Let's go!!" 😬 Just nope, never a good idea. I post and comment plenty in discussions for interactions to happen. I'm figuring out that I won't get along with someone who won't take the time for me in public and instead wants to go straight to PMs. I cannot be isolated for my own safety and wellbeing.

 

Bottom line is you should NEVER feel bad for safekeeping. You know yourself best and what you feel safe with. Not accepting friend requests isn't the end of the world on this forum. 

[Sloth Fairy]

I don't regret denying requests. I very rarely accept requests from the D side because it's pretty obvious that some are collecting like you said. I sometimes regret accepting littles as well because it seems they are wanting more from me than I can give. I'm not a caregiver, and although I have this empathetic side that wishes I could just give everyone a big healing hug and help people with their problems, I just can't stretch myself thin like that. I have a lot of my own stuff I'm struggling with and working through. I have to be careful what energy I bring into my life. 

I think it's good to have someone keeping an eye out for you like that. I wasn't so selective with requests with different sites when I was first learning about ddlg and ended up really regretting it. Yikes, there were some real creepy types, and I was in such a vulnerable place at the time. I think you've got a good caregiver to help you like that. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Sloth Fairy

[Guest]

I am someone who will accept pretty much all friend requests from littles/middles, new or not, because I know how it feels to be new to somewhere with no idea how to start out and even one person being nice can really boost confidence. But I also have a problem with people pleasing and my daddy does help if i choose the wrong people to be friends with, by helping set down strong boundaries or removing them if im overstressed without being able to say no. 

I do treat CG a bit different and do investigate thier profile more if i havent talked to them before because I have had issues with accepting the request being seen as an "open invitation" as a few of you have pointed out since they will not read a profile fully. 

But this does not mean refusing a friend/follow requests is somehow mean or wrong.
Your own mental health is always the most important thing. 
Only you can make the decision on your boundaries, though of course those you trust can help you make and guard your boundaries.

So i think its a perfectly good thing to have your partner vett your friends, I talk to my partner about mine and if im overstressed as i said before he helps me make the hard decisions if i need to. 
 

[Vampiress]

I am usually good at figuring out people and their intentions really quickly so I am pretty confident in deciding who I will and won't add here, and not afraid to cut someone off really quick if they're making me uncomfortable. However, this is a rare thing for me to deal with. Maybe I write too bluntly, but I've been told others here find me 'intimidating' and won't actually talk to me or message me if they try to follow/friend me, and many just won't add me at all. I find this interesting as I tend to be a very caring, empathetic, and shy person so it's funny to me how people perceive me based off of my posts. If it is the bluntness, I only write such a way because I feel it is not in other peoples' best interest for me to sugar coat things. I will be honest, but I will not be cruel or have any negative intentions with anything I have to say. I enjoy helping people, and sometimes that's pointing them in the direction of seeing the reality of a situation. You can't really grow as a person if you don't see and face a thing for what it really is, so therefore I don't  resort to coddling.

[Little kaiya]

I admit I'm a bit picky when it comes to accept friend requests. If people don't have any posts to their name or only have replies on personal ads it's probably going to be a no from me.

My Daddy doesn't say who I can or can't accept as He knows my criteria and agrees.

Also, if I never hear from the person then unfriendly definitely happens. I don't need or want people who just want to up their numbers or someone else's.

[CuriousRed89]

I kinda like that idea because I feel like sometimes I can be to trusting and want to be friends with everybody. But then on the other side I'm just getting out of a 13 year relationship with a controlling narcissist that wouldn't let me have friends. But it's like with a lot of things that I like/need if it's done with love and caring I think its different then being controlled by someone for their own power. I don't know...

[Andriel_Isilien]

On 9/26/2022 at 4:32 AM, Vampiress said:

I've been told others here find me 'intimidating' and won't actually talk to me or message me if they try to follow/friend me

I must admit, I did at first see you as intimidating because your profile is a spooky vampire scowling 😅 But I'm glad to learn you don't bite, haha!

[Vampiress]

On 9/27/2022 at 7:05 PM, andrielisilien said:

I must admit, I did at first see you as intimidating because your profile is a spooky vampire scowling 😅 But I'm glad to learn you don't bite, haha!

I had wondered if that's part of the problem and had considered changing my theme to something softer. I'm not sure, though!

[DaddysMonkey]

1 hour ago, Vampiress said:

I had wondered if that's part of the problem and had considered changing my theme to something softer. I'm not sure, though!

NOOOO !!!! Stay you and how you have it :3 I personally think it’s great ! Sometimes it’s good for certain people to think you bite  cuties like @andrielisilien will see past it.

[Andriel_Isilien]

2 hours ago, DaddysMonkey said:

NOOOO !!!! Stay you and how you have it :3 I personally think it’s great ! Sometimes it’s good for certain people to think you bite  cuties like @andrielisilien will see past it.

I agree with Monkey @Vampiress I mean, just keep being you whatever that looks like! The people who do mind don't matter.

[Vampiress]

14 hours ago, DaddysMonkey said:

NOOOO !!!! Stay you and how you have it :3 I personally think it’s great ! Sometimes it’s good for certain people to think you bite  cuties like @andrielisilien will see past it.

 

12 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

I agree with Monkey @Vampiress I mean, just keep being you whatever that looks like! The people who do mind don't matter.

Thank you both. A softer theme would suit me as well, probably moreso than whatever impression my current one gives... but I am a bit attached to it so I'm not sure. I have changed my theme before as it was previously Batgirl when I first joined.

[Andriel_Isilien]

23 hours ago, Vampiress said:

but I am a bit attached to it so I'm not sure.

I think you should at least keep it until Halloween is over 😉

[Little kaiya]

On 9/29/2022 at 8:07 AM, Vampiress said:

I had wondered if that's part of the problem and had considered changing my theme to something softer. I'm not sure, though!

Stay you. Personally I think it's awesome and if anyone judges you for or it or is reluctant to approach because of it that's their loss, not yours.

He just, I get people who look at my pfp and go "ewwww a babyfur". Just let's me know pretty quick not someone I need or want in my life.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Little kaiya

[Guest]

On 9/29/2022 at 11:39 PM, Vampiress said:

 

Thank you both. A softer theme would suit me as well, probably moreso than whatever impression my current one gives... but I am a bit attached to it so I'm not sure. I have changed my theme before as it was previously Batgirl when I first joined.

I will say my first impression of you wasn't that you were scary but more so a sexy vampire... like seductress vampire so i guess it depends on what peoples interpretations of vampire. like for me I'm a huge anne rice, bram stoker fan so vampires are ethereal, beautiful creatures but of course they are all unique and have various personalities/temperaments  just like humans do.

(yes, i am a total vampire geek and will go on and on about them being amazing lol)

So if you are happy as vampiress then keep it, as many other people said here "be true to what you want to portray here" ^-^ 

1 hour ago, Little kaiya said:

I get people who look at my pfp and go "ewwww a babyfur". Just let's me know pretty quick not someone I need or want in my life.

exactly!! if they just judge over a pfp then they can walk on, you're pfp is amazing and you are too. You drew it right? which makes it even more awesome!! also i never knew what a babyfur was till I read it here and looked it up. thanks for expanding my knowledge ^-^

 

I find both of you to post great deep content and what ive learn about you both are sweet, kind hearted, amazing individuals and those who deserve to know that side of you will look past a pfp and get to know you. 

[Little kaiya]

I wish I could take credit for my pfp which is one of my babyfur badges but it was actually done by an amazing artist Soryane.

I figure I like me, I try and be a good person and that's what counts 😁

[Vampiress]

2 hours ago, Alana_Lala said:

I will say my first impression of you wasn't that you were scary but more so a sexy vampire... like seductress vampire so i guess it depends on what peoples interpretations of vampire. like for me I'm a huge anne rice, bram stoker fan so vampires are ethereal, beautiful creatures but of course they are all unique and have various personalities/temperaments  just like humans do.

(yes, i am a total vampire geek and will go on and on about them being amazing lol)

So if you are happy as vampiress then keep it, as many other people said here "be true to what you want to portray here" ^-^ 

exactly!! if they just judge over a pfp then they can walk on, you're pfp is amazing and you are too. You drew it right? which makes it even more awesome!! also i never knew what a babyfur was till I read it here and looked it up. thanks for expanding my knowledge ^-^

 

I find both of you to post great deep content and what ive learn about you both are sweet, kind hearted, amazing individuals and those who deserve to know that side of you will look past a pfp and get to know you. 

I looove vampires, too! It all started with the Interview with the Vampire film, and then I got really into Anne Rice's novels and the rest is history! Can't wait to see what the new tv series version will be like.

Thank you so much 

[DaddysMonkey]

Interview with a vampire was also my first intro to vampires besides the typical Dracula 🥹💖

Edited October 2, 2022 by DaddysMonkey

[Guest]

I looove love lovvvvvvvved  interview with the vampire and even liked queen of the damned (as a vampire film it was great, based on the book it was lacking alot) 

Now the new interview with the vampire.... im both excited and really dreading watching it. since anne rice died and so she wasnt really able to help guide the making of it...i think the directors and such prolly took ALOT of liberties with it. which makes me sad. most fans just want the books to be reimagined onto a screen, not some distorted frankenstein, political version of it. x.x  

i loved all the anne rice vampire novels and read alot of novels where the authors that definitely followed in her footsteps. I'm sooo glad to find other fans of them. 

Dracula, oml... i fell in love with that story.. it was soo romantic, tragic, beautiful... just ahhh.. and the adaptation with gary oldman....dies.... soooo amazing. yes they took some liberties in the film but it was still a good version in my opinion 

[Vampiress]

Yeah Queen of the Damned was decent. It did stray quite a bit from the two books it was based on, but I enjoyed it anyways. Amazing soundtrack.

I'm so skeptical of the new show. I felt the books she wrote were pretty much perfect, and it makes me nervous that they are straying from the core content of it so heavily. I'll give it a chance because usually I can handle some straying. True Blood went way off the rails after the first season and went in a different direction than the books, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. However, I'm really afraid this AMC version is going to really cheesy. For years I had hoped HBO would pick up the Vampire Chronicles, and I've been super nervous about AMC picking it up ever since I heard they paid for the rights.

[Guest]

32 minutes ago, Vampiress said:

I'll give it a chance because usually I can handle some straying. True Blood went way off the rails after the first season and went in a different direction than the books, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. H

of course, I will prolly still give it a chance. since like you said true blood, even GOT wasn't too bad (at least the first 5 seasons or so lol) but yeah real worried about it.