I messed up badly

[littledreamer20]

So yesterday my daddy let me hang with my friends and all was good. I got home a little before ten which is my curfew. My daddy has a no TikTok after 10 pm rule in place because I watch TikTok a lot. Well when I got home I wasn’t thinking and watched it. I didn’t even realize that daddy had texted me over 30 minutes ago. I was honest and told him I had been watching TikToks. He got very angry at me. He said for once in our relationship he was legitimately upset with me. Told me I was in huge trouble. He said I disrespected him and it made me sad. I never wanted to do that and I apologized profusely but now things seem strained and he has barely spoken to me today. He said he’s forgiven me and isn’t upset anymore and I still have punishment  coming this weekend but it seems like my daddy is still upset but is trying not to show if because he doesn’t want me to cry and be said again. How do I fix this so we can be close again? I really messed up and I feel horrible.

[snugglebugblue]

I think things will probably work themselves out during and after your punishment. That's why we get them, so we learn from our mistakes and then get forgiven. It might be a good idea to do something for your daddy before though, like make an "i'm sorry" card or something so he know you really mean it. If there is still distance after the weekend then it might be a bigger thing to discuss, and if the next time you get in trouble you feel like he's pulling away again that might be something to discuss too 'cause being ignored or brushed aside isn't a healthy punishment. I'd bring up the lack of communication with him and how it made you feel sooner rather than later though.

Best of luck!

[Cebakes]

Rules or not, this sounds a little harsh.  What do you mean he let you hang with your friends?    If the two of you didn’t have plans, why don’t you simply tell him you were going to be with your friends? Do you really need permission for that?   Are you sure he wasn’t mad or jealous that you were hanging with your friends?  

[Guest]

While understandable for him to be disappointed in you for not following a rule about tiktok usage and prolly deserve some sort of punishment for it. 
There are some really serious things pointed out here by both @snugglebugblue and @Cebakes

• being ignored or brushed aside isn't a healthy punishment.
• he let you hang with your friend

both of these are red flags, from my point of view. Since emotionally isolating you after he supposedly "forgave you" is a very manipulative and unhealthy action. And as Cebakes said, you are an adult and if you two did not have plans, then you do not need permission...

but I do not know exactly you and his dynamic so I cannot judge this on a sole account  here. I would follow snugglebugs advice and have a deep convo with him about communication. 

[moondust mochi]

12 hours ago, Cebakes said:

Rules or not, this sounds a little harsh.  What do you mean he let you hang with your friends?    If the two of you didn’t have plans, why don’t you simply tell him you were going to be with your friends? Do you really need permission for that?   Are you sure he wasn’t mad or jealous that you were hanging with your friends?  

it might sound negative of me, but this was exactly what i was thinking too. we're human & sometimes, we forget our rules. if it feels like forgetting to text for 30 minutes has dramatically shifted your relationship, it's time for a real sit down chat about your dynamic & expectations. time for a meta talk, partner to partner. 

[Guest Daddylyfe]

I also agree, no matter how toxic and addicting things like tiktok and yt shorts are designed to be and how they can ruin your sleep and even mental health I feel like everything put together sounds much more harsh than he should have been. It doesn't sound like this is some unique brat/Tamer dynamic, or anything that could justify this. Even if he was having a bad day, holding that much negativity for an entire night? I know it's a cliche but it's still great advice to never go to bed angry with your partner. This doesn't only seem harsh but petty. Depending on how long you two have been dating you should probably be careful. Some people get drunk on the power of a D/s CG/l relationship which is a complete misunderstanding of the dynamics anyways. When I was younger and was on a BDSM forum the older Doms took me under their wing and we'd talk a lot of philosophy of BDSM. I know there's a lot more acronyms out there but I like the one I was taught. SSC. Safe Sane Consensual. Just be careful and keep your eyes out for any other behavior that might seem out of place. 

[MysticSand]

I think some responses may be missing the point. Or at least, what I think might be at the real core of why your daddy is upset. In this situation, yes you broke a rule. But more importantly, it sounded like he was looking forward to time with you and was upset that you didn't respond back quicker. Quite honestly, I shut down in this type of situation as well because I just can't bring myself to communicate when I'm really upset. So him speaking minimally to you isn't necessarily him icing you out, it may just be that he needs time to process and heal before he can communicate in an appropriate and sensible way with you. It took me awhile to recognize this in myself, and so it may be something he needs to work on to be aware of too so that he can catch it and verbalize to you "hey, give me some time and then we can talk about this."

I personally don't see the "let me hang with my friends" comment as a red flag. I've definitely been upset with my Little before when he makes plans without checking in with me first because then he double books over a block of time that had been just for us. To help with that, he does his best now to "ask" me about plans before he confirms with friends. He would likely use the same language of "let" as well. However, I do understand where other responders are coming from and why they express their concern.

I'm giving your daddy the benefit of the doubt(s) here because I can easily see myself in the same situation, reacting the same way.
A big part of communication is asking the right questions.

• Was it an over reaction? Or was it his reaction?
• Does he often dictate who you can go out with and when? Or does he prefer you to give him a heads up before you confirm plans without him?
• Does he cherish one-on-one time with you, particulary at night after 10pm? Or was his reaction something out of the blue?

You know your dyamic best.
 

Edited September 17, 2022 by MysticSand

[SmolAetherr]

9 hours ago, MysticSand said:

I think some responses may be missing the point. Or at least, what I think might be at the real core of why your daddy is upset. In this situation, yes you broke a rule. But more importantly, it sounded like he was looking forward to time with you and was upset that you didn't respond back quicker. Quite honestly, I shut down in this type of situation as well because I just can't bring myself to communicate when I'm really upset. So him speaking minimally to you isn't necessarily him icing you out, it may just be that he needs time to process and heal before he can communicate in an appropriate and sensible way with you. It took me awhile to recognize this in myself, and so it may not be something he needs to work on to be aware of too so that he can catch and and verbalize to you "hey, give me some time and then we can talk about this."

I personally don't see the "let me hang with my friends" comment as a red flag. I've definitely been upset with my Little before when he makes plans without checking in with me first because then he double books over a block of time that had been just for us. To help with that, he does his best now to "ask" me about plans before he confirms with friends. He would likely use the same language of "let" as well. However, I do understand where other responders are coming from and why they express their concern.

I'm giving your daddy the benefit of the doubt(s) here because I can easily see myself in the same situation, reacting the same way.
A big part of communication is asking the right questions.

• Was it an over reaction? Or was it his reaction?
• Does he often dictate who you can go out with and when? Or does he prefer you to give him a heads up before you confirm plans without him?
• Does he cherish one-on-one time with you, particulary at night after 10pm? Or was his reaction something out of the blue?

You know your dyamic best.
 

 

this one was my favorite so far, people are always quick to call out "control freak" in a dynamic where one side gets a feeling on control/power and the opther side (submissive) has a desire to give that control/power to another

we have to remember that alot of people come to bdsm to have an outlets for those desires with people who consent to it so calling something you personally dont understand as toxic is very often toxic in itself

 

as mystic said you know your dynamic best, communication is one of the best tools, simply asking your partner why what you did legitimately upset him

 

people rarely act out of character for no good reason and usually abusers were/are abusers from day 1

good people who dont disrespect us or push our boundaries dont suddenly start doing that without a reason..

 

good luck remember he has his reasons, just like you do and you both matter so dont ignore his needs or your needs

[Guest Richard Rockah]

I think you should take the time and write out a full apology to your daddy. You should admit to him how bad it was that you did what you did. You disobeyed. You ignored him. And you dug yourself into a hole. 
Then you should tell why you definitely deserve punishment. You might want to go into details about the punishment, maybe even requesting a harsher punishment than normal. And if you actually enjoy being punished then this is a win-win situation.

[PrincessRayvon]

On 9/17/2022 at 2:01 PM, SmolAetherr said:

people rarely act out of character for no good reason and usually abusers were/are abusers from day 1

This statement is fundamentally not true and is dangerous. 

Ive taken it out of the context of your full post so I'll start with clarifying that the post itself is absolutely right on almost everything and I think it gives a really fair analysis on how different people can enjoy different dynamics and levels of control/power exchange without it being toxic. HOWEVER.... As a woman who's worked in law with hundreds of domestic abuse victims... abusers almost never start showing red flags from day 1. Or if they do, they present those red flags as minor things or sometimes even positives. Most perpetrators of IPV, DV, or Coercive control WILL have sudden characteristic changes. They will start by being on their best behaviour, then the abuse begins, and after that they can come across as very remorseful and start showing a good character again. It's likely the abuse will repeat however.  With coercive control you might find that you don't have a cycle, instead a worsening of control and manipulation as time goes on. However it can still be cyclic and will often still start like any other relationship. 

 So to conclude, overall, good post with really fair points. But this small sentence alone is problematic. 

Edited November 18, 2022 by PrincessRayvon
Correcting grammar and elaborating.

[Cebakes]

2 hours ago, PrincessRayvon said:

This statement is fundamentally not true and is dangerous. 

Ive taken it out of the context of your full post so I'll start with clarifying that the post itself is absolutely right on almost everything and I think i gives a really fair analysis on how different people can enjoy different dynamics and levels of control/power exchange without it being toxic. HOWEVER.... As a woman who's worked in law with hundreds of domestic abuse victims... abusers almost never start showing red flags from day 1. Or if they do, they present those red flags and minor things or sometimes even positives. Most perpetrators of IPV, DV, or Coercive control will have sudden characteristic changes. They will start by being on their best behaviour, then the abuse begins, and after that can go back to behaving again, and repeat. 

 So to conclude, overall, good post with really important points. But this small sentence alone is problematic. 

You bring up some excellent and very true points.  Generally most people are on their best behavior for two or three months when they meet someone new.  It truly is the honeymoon period.   Certainly there are exceptions to that and some people are not able to hide their flawed behavior.  If they can’t control themselves during this honeymoon period, it’s certainly not going to get any better.

 The smartest and cleverest abusers can generally control their ways through that period of time.  They are also able to identify and size up partners who will tolerate or have been victims of abuse before.

Always remember, a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

[Guest]

I want to say that i didnt even notice these posts til I saw the new responses and went back to read the whole thing after I did my response so if you two have changed your sentiments since, I apologize for revisiting these older responses. 
 

  

On 9/16/2022 at 10:08 PM, MysticSand said:

I'm giving your daddy the benefit of the doubt(s) here because I can easily see myself in the same situation, reacting the same way.
A big part of communication is asking the right questions.

• Was it an over reaction? Or was it his reaction?
• Does he often dictate who you can go out with and when? Or does he prefer you to give him a heads up before you confirm plans without him?
• Does he cherish one-on-one time with you, particulary at night after 10pm? Or was his reaction something out of the blue?

You know your dyamic best.

I really liked your response and I do agree that they are the ones who know their dynamic best, and we are only seeing a snippet and from one perspective. I too go cold if im upset so i get where you are coming from as well that its something that needs to be noted and the communication skills there will definitely need to be worked on in their future. 

On 9/17/2022 at 8:01 AM, SmolAetherr said:

people rarely act out of character for no good reason and usually abusers were/are abusers from day 1

good people who dont disrespect us or push our boundaries dont suddenly start doing that without a reason..

so im not going to reiterate what @PrincessRayvon said because 110% she is absolutely correct on that an abuser normally do not show their true intentions from day 1, but saying that is extremely dangerous and undermines so many survivors stories who have been told that same lie again and again from people who say things like "You should have known better or you could have got out anytime"... Survivors are already dealing with so much, adding on this with more blame and shaming... I know it wasnt your intention im sure but just please make sure you understand that before commenting on it....its just something to look out for in the future ^-^

But the thing i did want to talking about is the whole "good people who dont disrespect us or push our boundaries dont suddenly start doing that without a reason..".... please be careful with this sentiment and who you say this to. because, as expressed in this thread we are all speaking on our perspectives, and the OP's dommay or may not be one of the "good people" and this is really is bordering on the whole "you deserve what you get because you are the problem" mindset which can make someone stay because they deserve what they get. 

--------

In the end none of us know their specific dynamic, but it is important that OP knows and understands the red flags that could be there. Many of us noticed some things that could potentially be bad, especially when OP seemed to be almost shocked at how the dom responded so I'm guessing they are still learning each other well.

Ignoring  and/or dismissing  that there is a high amount of bad intentioned people who come into kink spaces, won't make them disappear. So it is important that we all, as a community,  give our perspectives on it and correct each other if we need to. Because abuse can happen to any gender, any side of the slash, or dynamic and it can start very small with subtle signs that aren't seen on day 1. 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Alana_Lala

[littledreamer20]

Just an update. We are better than ever now. We finally talked and I realized what had made him so upset and I was able to work on not doing that particular thing again and he told me he would try not to shut me out too much when he was upset. Thanks for all the advice you guys!

[Guest]

YAAAAAAY. Im soso soooo glad it all worked out ^-^ thank you for the update and I really really hope you two are super duper happy Together 

[SmolAetherr]

On 11/18/2022 at 3:47 PM, Alana_Lala said:

But the thing i did want to talking about is the whole "good people who dont disrespect us or push our boundaries dont suddenly start doing that without a reason..".... please be careful with this sentiment and who you say this to. because, as expressed in this thread we are all speaking on our perspectives, and the OP's dommay or may not be one of the "good people" and this is really is bordering on the whole "you deserve what you get because you are the problem" mindset which can make someone stay because they deserve what they get. 

everyone has a reason for doing what they do, i didnt say it was okay or otherwise, any sensible person would recognise its not okay to disrespect or push boundaries i was stating that it can be a clear sign someone is acting in bad fait or is upset and in my opinion what i said rings true, if someone suddenly starts ignoring you or picking fights when they were usually very kind to you there is always a reason for it, but again i never even mentioned the odvious fact that the act itself isnt healthy

branding someone as evil because they reacted badly is patently unfair in my opinion, not insinuating anyone did that just clarifying my stance.

[SmolAetherr]

On 11/18/2022 at 9:23 AM, PrincessRayvon said:

This statement is fundamentally not true and is dangerous. 

Ive taken it out of the context of your full post so I'll start with clarifying that the post itself is absolutely right on almost everything and I think it gives a really fair analysis on how different people can enjoy different dynamics and levels of control/power exchange without it being toxic. HOWEVER.... As a woman who's worked in law with hundreds of domestic abuse victims... abusers almost never start showing red flags from day 1. Or if they do, they present those red flags as minor things or sometimes even positives. Most perpetrators of IPV, DV, or Coercive control WILL have sudden characteristic changes. They will start by being on their best behaviour, then the abuse begins, and after that they can come across as very remorseful and start showing a good character again. It's likely the abuse will repeat however.  With coercive control you might find that you don't have a cycle, instead a worsening of control and manipulation as time goes on. However it can still be cyclic and will often still start like any other relationship. 

 So to conclude, overall, good post with really fair points. But this small sentence alone is problematic. 

i would argue that taking it out of context is rather pointless because in context it is a reminder that there is a reason for a behavioural shift and often needs adressing by the people involved but i am glad i got my point across well because reading back i dont really understand what i was trying to say all too well.

 

[PrincessRayvon]

2 hours ago, SmolAetherr said:

i would argue that taking it out of context is rather pointless

I disagree. Had this sentence stood within a paragraph and had a further explanation then maybe you're right. However this is a standalone sentence, given it's own paragraph, that although you could argue has its purpose in your context, could still be inferred by some as saying that the responsibility is on the abused to notice red flags from day one. Which isn't always possible. This, I think, was important to make note of. Words have power and there will be people in this forum who may be vulnerable to blaming themselves if they see these sentiments in their safe space. 

 

2 hours ago, SmolAetherr said:

it is a reminder that there is a reason for a behavioural shift and often needs adressing by the people involved

But there isn't always. That's the point. Or at least the reasons may not be what they seem. You're running off the belief that the vast majority of people who get into communities that have an inherent power exchange are good people. While blinding yourself to the fact that these communities attract those who want the power and don't want to bear the responsibility of wielding it appropriately. 

This is not me saying all or even most Dom's/daddies/master's are inherently bad. I know some will say it is. But it's not. I agreed with your original point completely just not the language and sentiment you used to put it across after the first two paragraphs. A dynamic could work between two people in which a large amount of power could be exchanged safely. Even outside of BDSM/DDLG we see this all the time in the real world, for example with couples where one party has a disibilty. I'm also a firm advocate of not judging people's dynamics if it's healthy and works for them.

BUT saying things like "there is a reason for a behavioural shift" is not true. There isn't always a reason. Even more commonly you may find that even if there is a reason, it's not obvious to the other party or a HEALTHY reason. This is why people rush to call red flags and toxicity. Although they may sometimes be wrong about it. This rhetoric of "it happened for a reason" is unhealthy and unsafe. What if the reason was "Because the person wants to make you feel bad emotionally to gain further power over you" would you be saying this then? What if the reason was solely "because the person didn't feel powerful enough over their sub"? These reasons may never have crossed your mind if you're not that way inclined, but it doesn't mean they don't exist in some people in these communities.

Behavioural shifts can be toxic and not a fair reaction to the events that took place, is it on the submissive to still take the emotional guilt for that? Should we allow that to take place because "there's a reason for it?". It's a horrible rhetoric. 

Thankfully in this case it was all okay and I'm so glad for OP that it's all been sorted. But be careful of your language, it can have a greater impact on people than you'd ever expect. 

Edited November 21, 2022 by PrincessRayvon

[Skye_Severheart]

everything will be okay and alright in the end, sweetheart...

[SmolAetherr]

6 hours ago, PrincessRayvon said:

BUT saying things like "there is a reason for a behavioural shift" is not true. There isn't always a reason. Even more commonly you may find that even if there is a reason, it's not obvious to the other party or a HEALTHY reason. This is why people rush to call red flags and toxicity. Although they may sometimes be wrong about it. This rhetoric of "it happened for a reason" is unhealthy and unsafe. What if the reason was "Because the person wants to make you feel bad emotionally to gain further power over you" would you be saying this then? What if the reason was solely "because the person didn't feel powerful enough over their sub"? These reasons may never have crossed your mind if you're not that way inclined, but it doesn't mean they don't exist in some people in these communities.

either im misunderstanding something or you are pointing out exactly what i said, did you assume i was trying to say the reason was often a justified one?

because i never commented on that, there is always a reason (someone is unhappy, stopped pretending to be nice etc...) understanding the reason can go a long way to understanding the person and if their change in behaviour is a thing that is worth working on or not

if someone pretends to be nice to encourage a person to let down their walls to then abuse them that is objectively bad and not something that can be worked on nor should be

but then you understand the reason and know that it wasnt your fault it was them just being shitty

i dont understand how that logic can be dangerous or untrue, everything happens for a reason oftentimes its a stupid reason