Clingy littles

[LilMonst3r]

Do you ever find that CGs always say they love a clingy little. But when it all boils down to it. They don't realise what that entails. They think it's all cute and playful and "I miss you and want cuddles" 

But what it often is, is trauma and abandonment issues. Which don't always manifest in those cute "miss you" moments but instead aniexty and text after text call after call filled with stress and worry. 

Then they say its all too much which leads to more abondoment issues and it's all a vicious cycle. 

 

Edit I want to clarify that I don't expect caregivers to fix anyones mental health. That's no what this is about. It's about CGs being a bit more understanding and giving time frames for example when they can't be around there doesn't even need to be a reason. Just an "oh I'm going to be busy for the next 2-3 hours" to ease some of that aniexty for many. To acknowledge that sometimes littles need a little more than a normal relationship. I'm not expecting anyone to trauma dump its just about being a little more consirate from both parties and for for clingy to stop being romanticised yes there is a healthy clingy but for most (not all) it's not healthy as it does come from mental health. Set clear boundaries. So everyone is on the same page. 

Edited September 17, 2022 by LilMonst3r
Edit to add

[SmolAetherr]

i get where you are coming from and i appreciate you posting this as my clingyness does have roots in low self esteem myself but i also just enjoy sharing with my partner

 

but when you mention it being triggered by poor mental health and doms saying the clingyness is too much i think more people need to take time to themselves to adress that because being expected to be around 24/7 to help with a person's trauma/abandonment issues/anxiety is alot to handle

we should all be making strides to be the best person we can be instead of criticising people for not taking and embracing us at our worst

 

only we are responsible for fixing ourselves

and yes im speaking as someone who has a fair amount of fixing to do myself

[LilMonst3r]

It's not always about being their 24/7 and no matter how hard you work on your mental health it's still never going to be perfect especially when it comes to trauma. We can find coping techniques yes, but it never quite gets rid of that little voice telling you they've left or whatever form it takes. 

It's also about CGs not glamourizing clingyness which so many do. Which does lead any coping mechanisms going out of the window. 

Being in a realtionship isn't always being about the good it's also the bad and the down and the worst that need to be accepted. We can aim for the best but at the end of the day that is only going to put too much pressure and damage mental health more. We need to be able to real. Especially in a Cgl or Ddlg dynamic. It's not all sunshine and roses. 

 

 

[DaddysMonkey]

*waves* 

Hey @LilMonst3r. 
 

I think these are great questions to ask yourself or for others to ask themselves and even for caregivers to reflect upon when looking for a partner. 
 

-But what it often is, is trauma and abandonment issues. Which don't always manifest in those cute "miss you" moments but instead aniexty and text after text call after call filled with stress and worry. 

This statement alone speaks volumes in my eyes. Being someone who is clingy and being someone who is co dependent , or has trauma and abandonment issues are VERY different things. You can of course be both , but in my opinion they are extremely separate entities. 
 

Someone who is just naturally clingy can have the ability to turn it off when it’s needed or understood and explained to them. It ~is~ those cute spam messages , it ~is~ sending 15 texts and pictures and snapchats saying how much you miss your caregiver and want to smother them with love. 
 

Having / experiencing an anxiety attack or panic attack and frantically trying to get your partners attention or get them to contact you and having a meltdown when they can’t ~isn’t~ being clingy and certainly not those cute miss you moments. It’s those traumas and abandonment issues rearing their head. 
 

-Then they say its all too much which leads to more abondoment issues and it's all a vicious cycle. 

If someone is expecting a person who is naturally clingy and has the ability to understand that someone is unavailable during a clingy moment but then are met with someone having frequent meltdowns and panic attacks because of their own issues , and then are met with the treatment like they thought this was all going to be fun and games … I can see why they would feel really overwhelmed. 

Being in the beginning stages of getting to know a potential partner is always sticky but if someone isn’t given a clear idea or explanation or your issues vs your clinginess , that overwhelming feeling is understandable. If I was in the shoes of a caregiver in a situation like this , I would feel like I am being blamed for not being able to fix the littles mental health or panic attacks. That’s unfair , and if it happened numerous times without any explanation or understanding from the little that it might overwhelm me , I would walk away. 
 

I feel like a lot is expected of caregivers and it’s often overlooked that they may also ave their own mental health issues or struggles. I personally think it’s unfair to think that caregivers should be able to handle these kinds of things with grace at all times. If a caregiver is having a hard day at work and is having their own spout of anxiety and depression and is met with 20 texts making them feel like they aren’t performing well enough it can really kill their drive to perform well.

As @SmolAetherr also pointed out , littles are just as responsible as anyone else for their own mental health. Everyone knows that nobody is perfect and there might be moments where behaviors come out that aren’t as pleasant as others , but it’s really really important to have personal growth and realize when those behaviors are what’s effecting your courting vs people thinking it’s all fun and games till they’re met with trauma. 
 

It’s extremely important to not trauma dump on people you’re courting with , but it is also just as important to be clear , concise , and short with explaining any mental health , trauma , or abandonment issues you may have from the get go. You don’t have to go into detail about what you’ve been through if you’re not comfortable yet with a new person , but maybe giving them a fair warning that you may have moments like this because of your issues gives them a fair chance to react differently. 

[Andriel_Isilien]

My trauma I did not deserve but I am responsible to get myself back up and to keep trying. Like @SmolAetherr described. As much as it sucks the harsh truth is no one will save me for me. I have to be enough for myself so that when I do lose a partner (either death, separation, abandonment, etc) the devastation won't be the end of me. I need to still be OK when the worst happens. My clinginess, codependency, anxious attachment, whatever you want to call it, all stems from my own insecurities which I am responsible for. As a little, what I need is a mentor or guide not an enabler for helplessness. I am all that little me has. So, I need to take responsibility, be honest with myself, advocate, and put in the work to keep bettering myself. When I get a Dom it shouldn't because I need him to be in my life, it should be because I chose for him to be in my life. The same goes for him towards me.

 

I strongly agree @LilMonst3r when you talked about "romanticizing clingy littles". The same goes for glamorizing "overprotective/territorial doms". Romantic movies and novels do it all the time when it's not close to real life. Mental illness or having trauma isn't a trending quirk for likes on social media. The point is to be self-aware of your weaknesses, toxic traits, and check yourself. I'm prone to people pleasing and losing myself instead of advocating. I can sink into co-dependency and shut down. Personally, I could sure use some romanticization of being a selfish prick to balance me out. 😆 Pushing the highly valued, self-sacrificing agenda I now know is disastrous for me. Some people need that to take their egos down a peg but not me. It's not a one size fits all because like my therapist told me yesterday, "Give room for the 5%; the exception of extreme cases." We humans have the potential to take anything too far. You can't predict how a dynamic will play out as there are too many variables. It's a case by case basis.

 

This is why communication is repeated over and over to define and clarify. Same with having boundaries and sticking to them. It's SO important to be on the same page of expectations before moving forward. When a dom says, "I'm looking for a clingy little" discuss what clingy means to you and looks like for you. We are multi-faceted. We are complicated. Labels help give us an idea about our identity but we are much more than that. A simple word as "clingy" can mean so many different things from different walks of life. Trauma dumping is beating around the bush on what your needs are or what someone can expect you to be like. That's why it is said, get to know yourself well. I'm thinking for when in a relationship have a game plan for emergencies just like you would have for a fire. Have backups on speed dial when the PTSD hits and your dom isn't available to give you the attention you need. Coping skills are good but have more (plan A, plan B, and so on). A support system for each person to lean on when someone gets overwhelmed. You don't have to get it all right the first time. Discuss what worked, what didn't work, and other options to try. Be patient with yourself The worst is to be isolated, to feel that you must carry it all on your own, and not being adequate. There is help. There is always help somewhere. A couple shouldn't have to face the world alone. As much as we like to romanticize the "us against the world" phrase, it's not realistic nor is it healthy. The two of you shouldn't have to do this alone.

[Sloth Fairy]

@LilMonst3r 

I can see where you're coming from. I struggle with my own issues and wanting to have someone be there through it all. I have to try and not let my little side take over when I'm talking to a potential someone. My little self can get overly emotional and clingy in a negative way if I'm not careful. 

I feel like many people come into this with some hyper idealized expectations on both sides of the slash. Then reality hits and it's not what they wanted. Everyone here has had good advice.

Someone on another site asked why they can't find a daddy like in the ddlg romance books. Um, it's  fiction. No one is like that in reality. Reality is sometimes harsh. Reality has trauma. Reality means people are going to have bad times where they are not at their best. I'm talking again about both sides of the slash here.

There is a reason that people keep looking for "the one" and don't find it. Are they just looking for a fantasy? I think overall people really need to evaluate what they are looking for and be realistic about it. We need to be completely honest with ourselves and with the other person. Otherwise we will always be searching and never find anything but hurt. And I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else here. 

 

And this, so much this!

9 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

My trauma I did not deserve but I am responsible to get myself back up and to keep trying. Like @SmolAetherr described. As much as it sucks the harsh truth is no one will save me for me. I have to be enough for myself so that when I do lose a partner (either death, separation, abandonment, etc) the devastation won't be the end of me. I need to still be OK when the worst happens. My clinginess, codependency, anxious attachment, whatever you want to call it, all stems from my own insecurities which I am responsible for. As a little, what I need is a mentor or guide not an enabler for helplessness. I am all that little me has. So, I need to take responsibility, be honest with myself, advocate, and put in the work to keep bettering myself. When I get a Dom it shouldn't because I need him to be in my life, it should be because I chose for him to be in my life. The same goes for him towards me. 

 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Sloth Fairy
Rewording wonky sentences, adding thoughts

[Guest UnicornPuff]

It hurts when you explain that you carry anxiety and the other person says they understand and will support you but, when you cannot always control it, they understanding isn’t there. As a person with anxiety about relationships, I need patience.  My fears and mistrust are not going to vanish after a couple of months. 

Edited September 20, 2022 by Jayniepuff

[Peachygrrl]

I can relate to what you're saying @Jayniepuff.  I tried very hard to be upfront and communicative about my trauma and tendency to be clingy.  I was as honest and forthright as possible, while also making it clear I understood that I was responsible for my feelings and actions.  He listened, was patient and understanding but then ignored my requests for transparency and notification of absences.  Its so frustrating to feel like you are communicating clearly and then your partner have a refusal to understand.  BUT I also realize in hindsight that I often did trauma dump and be climgy/pushy without considering what he was going through.  I acted as though me being upfront and communicative gave me license to behave in whatever way suited me at the time.  This led to my needs often not being met, while creating resentment on both sides.   I intend the next time around to add being a good and thoughtful listener to my open communication.  I believe that may help to soothe the panicky grip that comes with perceived abandonment, which I often cannot control.  Basically, "clingy" holds a negative connotation and being encouraged to be so by a caregiver denotes a tendency to finding helplessness attractive, and helplessness isn't good for anyone.  

 

I also have to say that this site, and all you who post and respond are so insightful and wonderfully open.  It's so amazing to read all you guys have to say and find myself both validated and enlightened.  Thank you ❤️

[Little Becca]

“Do you ever find that CGs always say they love a clingy little. But when it all boils down to it. They don't realise what that entails.”

Yes. 100 million zillion percent, YES!!!!!!!!  I have had this experience more often than not. At the end of the day, I just think littles and caregivers have different ideas, overall, of what this means. 

I have been assured, in the past, that needy princesses are the bestest princesses, only to find that when the rubber hits the road and I REALLY need my caregiver, I’m more of a nuisance than anything. It’s work being a caregiver, and we as littles should do our best to try to understand this and “reward” our caregiver for putting forth this effort toward us. Even if our Daddies/Caregivers are seeking this type of relationship, it isn’t easy sometimes and it requires more work than your standard vanilla union.  No matter what, effort in a relationship should always be praised, regardless of from whom it’s coming. Both parties in a relationship are making themselves vulnerable, and this should be recognized and rewarded.

As a little girl, and based on other littles I’ve spoken with, we’re all pretty trusting and wanna meet that special person who values us and will choose to be there for us, understanding that we simply are going to require extra effort at times. It’s a blessing to find a Daddy/caregiver who is willing to take the time to put forth that effort. As littles we also need to help them to understand our needs and expectations. As caregivers, they need to understand from the onset that were under the impression that they WANT this. And they need to help us understand their needs, and where they feel they’re lacking in caregiving, and just in general. We all have different life experiences. If we can help our caregiver understand our needs, and help them with life in general, and they can be open to that feedback, then it can be a beautiful union. 

As with any relationship, the lack of communication- because of fear of causing pain or inconvenience or fear of a lack of understanding - will be the undoing of the relationship, even if there is love there. 

What I am saying probably won’t be a surprise to most. So why do we all seem to struggle with this?

ETA: In my experience - and this is just my experience - many caregivers have just as many needs as littles. We as littles should always be there for our CG, too. It seems like they are more subtle with opening up about their needs, from what I have seen. They’re much slower to trust. But their needs are absolutely just as important as ours. Not more or less - the same. Littles have to be prepared to be loving and kind and caring toward their caregivers, too. They deserve that. We need to put forth equal effort toward one another, because we care about one another. Even if you’re a bratty little (heheheh), you should recognize when your caregiver needs love and care. Again, just my experience. 

Edited October 11, 2022 by LittleLavenderGirl

[Marie72]

I haven't experienced this really in this context yet, but I know for me having very clear expectations about how people can be available to me when I'm feeling anxious and understanding where I'm coming from when I am trying to communicate things through my anxiety are really helpful. Also talking about what kind of communication works best for both of us (For example getting "hey can you call me" or "can we talk later" texts are very anxiety inducing for me, and I've talked to friends and family about that and even just adding "can you call me when you get the chance, nothing bad I just have a quick question" or something like that can be helpful. And then if the conversation is going to be heavier, explaining that ahead of time too)

I know for me, part of my anxiety comes from not being sure if I'm being a burden or whether I can reach out. If expectations are clear an explicitly stated that's a good thing for everyone. And while patience and understanding are very helpful, of course the bulk of managing my mental health comes down to me, so it's a balance.

[MelodyDrifter]

Man I feel this lol I feel like having emotional trauma plus physical touch as a love language usually equals clingy (in my case anyway).
 

Like I accept the fact that I’m needy but it only happens when I can actually be comfortable with someone. Because yeah, big me avoids getting attached to anybody so when it is safe little me gets excited just being able to be theirselves or being openly affectionate.

It’s more of a way I show love whilst calming my anxious brain through reassurance I guess

Edited November 2, 2022 by Sad

[baby_k]

People always have weird fantasies about others, and I think it gets really highlighted with ddlg stuff as it is even more of a fantasy to many -more than a regular relationship. So, many people "promase" way more than they actually can give as they want to see themselves in heroic way and don't really understand what they claim to be giving.

They also may have all sort of expectations, like I once met guy who wanted the little to be his happy place meaning nothing negative could be said as "it's too stressfull, I want you to be cute and light and funny and tell be nice things". It was sooo unrealistic for longer real rel....

I also noticed that often you can tell people things but those won't really register in their minds. Like "if you give me chocolate icecream, I will start cying", and person then responds "oh, that is totally ok if you cry, I will cuddle you then and kiss all better, but I will never give you chocolate one anyway, I give always vanilla or something else, no worries!". What really happens: the person gives the bloody chocolate icecream one day, there is crying and then this person is totally outraged over "why the fuck you cry?? stop it!!! I'm trying to be nice!!". And even if you remind them about the conversation where you told what would happen, they either claim it didn't happen or "i didn't realise you really meant this". Like...urgh... what else can person do than explain their weird quirks? But it doesn't always seem to be enough. If the behaviour model you have is not norm to them, it can be extremely difficult for them to understand it's how you truly act before they see it in action.

Thou, I have to now say that when I have dated person with no issues, there has not been these ridiculous things at all. Just normal reactions to ones crying ( such as comforting ), and that things can be talked prehand or after in nice way. Immaturity or issues, traumas etc create those difficult behaviours especially when things clash. And with immaturity I just mean that someone has not experienced something, so they genuinly think that they would act perfectly and don't now their own limits before they hit them. It's not something evil, just something that requires time/experience. Relationships get easier when people truly know themseves as then they aso know what they like, don't like and what they really can do in long term.

 

[Nymph]

I try to avoid saying I am clingy because it now means anxious (and in some cases it means rude/bratty/selfish). Clingy used to be a great way to describe myself as I am super affectionate and love to cuddle and hold hands, but I don't spam with texts or appreciate being spammed.

I also avoid saying I am curvy because that means fuller than an hourglass and it does not describe me anymore but that was an easy way to describe my body years ago... my body has not changed, the word has.

English is not my native language but even if it was, language evolves. So it's important to keep that in mind especially if you are doing gap relationship where things can get mixed up. It's not your responsibility to change your words or meanings, but you should be open to meet halfway and be understanding and flexible. But then again that is just part of healthy communication in a relationship.

Personally I don't like clingy daddies, most will not admit they are but a lot of them are. I love affectionate daddies so I take it with a grain of salt if they were to admit it, at the first sign or them being selfish, rude or anxious then I know their version of clingy is not a good match for me.

[Guest Richard Rockah]

12 hours ago, Nymph said:

I try to avoid saying I am clingy because it now means anxious (and in some cases it means rude/bratty/selfish). Clingy used to be a great way to describe myself as I am super affectionate and love to cuddle and hold hands, but I don't spam with texts or appreciate being spammed.

I also avoid saying I am curvy because that means fuller than an hourglass and it does not describe me anymore but that was an easy way to describe my body years ago... my body has not changed, the word has.

Personally I don't like clingy daddies, most will not admit they are but a lot of them are. I love affectionate daddies so I take it with a grain of salt if they were to admit it, at the first sign or them being selfish, rude or anxious then I know their version of clingy is not a good match for me.

Excellent. Such a good way to put everything. You are quite intelligent and very insightful.