Interacting with "potential partners" online

[Barney048]

Okay, so this is a topic I wanted to do for a long time now, since there's a lot of things bugging me with how people interact with potential partners online. Online communication is a primary way to get to know people these days, but there's a lot of "traps" we can fall into when doing so.

First of all, for the first couple of weeks a person shouldn't even be considered a potential partner. Why? Because that's the minimum amount of time needed to see whether a person is genuenly looking for a relationship/dynamic, or if he/she has other motives. The person in question may or may not be doing it intentionally. Sometime people just want a distraction from their everyday life, sometimes they want an ego boost, sometimes they just want sexual gratification and other times they simply want to fill a void even if temporarry. Are they to blame? Sometimes. However in most cases they are just victims of their own emotions and state of mind, so you shouldn't condem them, but rather protect yourself by taking the appropriate time before really considering them as a potential anything.

Meanwhile I see people on here posting about their "relationship" ending after a week or 2 of geting to know eachother. I'm sorry you've been hurt and feel used, but for fuck's sake, we are all adults on here. Take some responsibility for your own actions.

 

Secondly. Ask yourself what it is you NEED in a partner, and stick to it. 9 out of 10 relationships/dynamics that start on here are toxic, because people just cling on to a couple redeeming qualities, while their needs are not being met even slightly. They like they attention, they like feeling loved and having someone, but it just leads to more and more stress and frustration , with their mental health deteriorating gradually. We all have 101 things that we'd like to have in a partner, but the needs we have are usually not many and are quite simple, while being of the utmost importance. So do not neglect them.

Stop giving everyone a "fair shoot" just because they give you attention and seem nice. If they arent what you need/want first be honest with yourself and then with them. end of story.

 

Now the third issue. Online "dating" is very fast paced. People share very intimate and private things about themself quickly, because even though they see the person as a potential partner, he/she is lowkey still a stranger in their mind, someone who isn't really part of their life. We want to share our most intimate self with someone, but if that person is an active part of our life we'd take our time before doing so , make sure we trust them and what no, right? But online it's "easy" to talk about these things because even if they know, they won't really influence our everyday life due to it, and at the same time we get to share that burden with someone. Win-win, right? WRONG!

It's a trap many people fall into. By sharing these things prematurely you subconciously start seeing that person as more than they are, even if they are still just a casual friend in your mind. You get atached, it clouds your judgement and 1 week later you're on here crying about it. True story.

 

Online "dating" is neat in many ways, but it also has a lot of dangers. Do be careful and use virtual protection.

 

Barney out🖖

[Andriel_Isilien]

2 hours ago, Barney048 said:

First of all, for the first couple of weeks a person shouldn't even be considered a potential partner. Why? Because that's the minimum amount of time needed to see whether a person is genuenly looking for a relationship/dynamic, or if he/she has other motives

A thought I just had, or more like a question, is what about grooming? How does one catch that because grooming is done over time and is slow. This site is pretty good keeping minors out and safe but grooming honesty doesn't respect any age. I'm curious what your thoughts are to expound on this, Barney. This is all really good advice about online dating and even dating locally!

[DaddysMonkey]

Barney , Barney , Barney 😏 I always appreciate your unbridled honesty and tough love. Although unbridled may be the wrong word because I know how we like to bite our tongues. 
 

 

-First of all, for the first couple of weeks a person shouldn't even be considered a potential partner. Why? Because that's the minimum amount of time needed to see whether a person is genuenly looking for a relationship/dynamic, or if he/she has other motives. 

Not only is this true in that you don’t really know what someone is looking for so quickly , you also can’t know *them* that quickly. Obviously you don’t need to know someone’s entire life fucking story before courting and becoming dating partners (or official for that matter) , but it sure does fucking help to know *who* they are. It’s really easy for people to put on an act for a couple weeks to a month. Act like a peach , whether it’s with malice or just worry that they need to be a certain way for you to like them… when the act wears off you might not like what’s really there. Their stressful days and how they react to them. Their sense of humor and whether it’s compatible with yours , basic lifestyle morals and life long goals. I mention malice because you mention motives. Which takes me to the next pulled section below. 

-Now the third issue. Online "dating" is very fast paced. People share very intimate and private things about themself quickly, because even though they see the person as a potential partner, he/she is lowkey still a stranger in their mind, someone who isn't really part of their life. We want to share our most intimate self with someone, but if that person is an active part of our life we'd take our time before doing so , make sure we trust them and what no, right? But online it's "easy" to talk about these things because even if they know, they won't really influence our everyday life due to it, and at the same time we get to share that burden with someone. Win-win, right? WRONG!

It's a trap many people fall into. By sharing these things prematurely you subconciously start seeing that person as more than they are, even if they are still just a casual friend in your mind. You get atached, it clouds your judgement and 1 week later you're on here crying about it. True story.

As for malicious intent and trying to find friends… I have had some awful experiences in real life and even on this forum trying to make and keeps friends. Besides my typical dark and cynical personality, these experiences have lead me to tread very lightly when making friends. I constantly worry about negative intent and people trying to be my friend for the wrong reasons. It’s best to keep things light and airy before diving into a lot of personal traumas or personal information that can be used as blackmail or held over your head , or things you don’t want talked shit about with other people. 

I’m not looking for a partner , so I look at this from a potential friendship point of view (especially since you should be friends first THEN date in my humble opinion). Because people get so excited to be making friends or a potential partner , their excitement clouds judgment as you mention. People will start delving into really traumatic events in their life without even asking if someone is okay with hearing that trauma and it can be extremely overwhelming. Not only traumas , but kind of emotion dumping on someone or over sharing in general from the start. (Sexual or not.)

I suppose I try to think of examples as the best way to explain things to people ~Monkeybrain~ and immediately I imagine meeting someone at the bar for the first time. We talk a little bit , what music we like , what we do for work. Casual talking in between dates. We meet again the next week , and the person I’m meeting with starts talking about how their mother used to beat them relentlessly their whole childhood and almost every person they’ve been with has gaslit them or hurt them in some way. They tell me they feel so comfortable with me and start asking to call me pet names. Okay , pretty overwhelming. Casual texting in between dates. I meet them again another week after , and this time they begin sharing that they are in love with me and they want to be my caregiver. They start sharing that they want to get married and have babies , and they think we should start planning our future. 

I would never call or speak to that person again. That’s way too much way too fast. What makes it so different than online ? Personally I think it’s because a lot of boundaries are removed with online interactions. A lot of people would call my actions ghosting especially if it were online encounters like video chats… but I feel like the other end of the spectrum is in the wrong for that type of behavior. It feels groomy (which I will speak on because @andrielisilien wisely pointed out for discussion!) Especially for someone that has a a personality disorder like myself. 

 

-Meanwhile I see people on here posting about their "relationship" ending after a week or 2 of geting to know eachother. I'm sorry you've been hurt and feel used, but for fuck's sake, we are all adults on here. Take some responsibility for your own actions.

This part just needs a golf clap. That’s all. 👏🏻Unfortunately though , some people do feed on drama and having chaos around them. Not anyone in particular , just some people I suppose feel more comfortable or thrive on a lot of changing partners and havoc surrounding them. It’s not my type of comfort , but to some it might be. 

-Stop giving everyone a "fair shoot" just because they give you attention and seem nice. If they arent what you need/want first be honest with yourself and then with them. end of story.

Ugh /: This is sad but true. Not just online but in real life , way too many times I’ve seen people settle for less than what they need/want/deserve all because they are lonely and like the occasional affection and attention they may receive. 

 

8 minutes ago, andrielisilien said:

A thought I just had, or more like a question, is what about grooming? How does one catch that because grooming is done over time and is slow. This site is pretty good keeping minors out and safe but grooming honesty doesn't respect any age. I'm curious what your thoughts are to expound on this, Barney. This is all really good advice about online dating and even dating locally!

 

GIRL YOU IS SO FUCKING SMAAAAAART DUDE AH AH AH AHHHH ! GROOMING HAS NO AGE ! 
 

As aforementioned , having a personality disorder (depending on what one you have can also increase or decrease sensitivity to this) can make someone HIGHLY susceptible to grooming and gaslighting. When you have issues such as my own , it’s very easy for judgment to be clouded and question your own self and whether or not you are in the wrong for what you’re feeling. It can be hard for someone like me to differentiate between grooming / gaslight behaviors and someone genuinely treating me nicely with good intentions or needed criticism towards myself. This is more of a personal note for me I guess , there’s a reason I very carefully pick who I interact with on a more personal level on this forum or anywhere for that matter. I create a very prickly and ugly exterior because I have major fears of being taken advantage of in these ways. As soon as someone is just a little too nice to me , I will question their motives. This is my own problem , and it doesn’t mean that every potential friend or partner has ill intentions. I’m also curious what you have to say about the grooming aspect of this @Barney048.

[Andriel_Isilien]

See, I like to be transparent but that gets "enforcing the boundaries" a bit muddled in my mind. I don't want to emotionally or trauma dump because I know it's horrible to be on the receiving end of that! 😰 I feel like the carpet in my figurative "home" I now want rip up and replace from all the shit and vomit stains people have left there. 😩 At the same time I want to be open, honest, and welcoming. I realize I am too naive for my own good. The reason I said that grooming respects no age is because I most often don't feel my age being over 30. I seriously think my emotional maturity can be worse than a teenager's at times. Like the little I am, I just cry a lot 😓 (I relate so much to the song "Cry Baby" by Melanie Martinez). So, in the past I have fallen into the trap mentioned above a few times; not just for "dating" but with roommates or friends like @DaddysMonkey described. How to find that balance in being authentic but not oversharing? How to be vulnerable but not a doormat? Because to have meaningful relationships you have to be vulnerable. And I have been bullied to be more vulnerable (as if I wasn't already being vulnerable enough) by people who claimed it would be for my own good and personal growth. I had a therapist tell me many years ago, "Sounds like you have bad taste in friends." and ended it there 😩 Guess I shouldn't be allowed to have friends then. But I figured out now what that therapist should have told me is, "The issue is not that you attract toxic people to you. It's the fact that you let them stay. Let's discuss how you can stop putting up with such treatment because you don't deserve that."

 

Wow... this really got me thinking and asking all kinds of questions. I'm interested to see/hear other people's input on this topic.

[WigglyBun]

15 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

I realize I am too naive for my own good. The reason I said that grooming respects no age is because I most often don't feel my age being over 30. I seriously think my emotional maturity can be worse than a teenager's at times. Like the little I am, I just cry a lot 😓 

This is me, so much. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone!

When I was young I was considered an "old soul" and now that I am in my mid 30's all I hear is how childish & immature I am, that I am naive, "Why haven't you learned better by now?", etc, etc. My saving grace has been finding out that I am autistic, which explains A LOT (not saying that is your case) and has been helping me to somewhat fix a few things, or at least be more aware for the future. Ultimately I am sure I am always going to be naive, childish, a pushover, etc...but I am slowly learning how to be a bit less of those. It's a process.

[Barney048]

18 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

A thought I just had, or more like a question, is what about grooming? How does one catch that because grooming is done over time and is slow. This site is pretty good keeping minors out and safe but grooming honesty doesn't respect any age. I'm curious what your thoughts are to expound on this, Barney. This is all really good advice about online dating and even dating locally!

Good question. Grooming as well as any form of gaslighting is usually very apparent to everyone, including the person in question. It's just that they are usually in denial and are justifing said grooming in their head. "He only wants what's best for me", "He does it because he cares", "He has his own issues"... 

Grooming/gaslighting generally has quite obvious signs. Your anxiety sky rockets, you apologize all the time, you are being distanced from the people you are close to, your confidence drops, you become very indecisive,...But while we are aware of all that, we are usually in denial. 

I have also put up sort of a wall with people due to it and it takes me a really long time to develop any sort of relationship with people, be it friendship or a romantic one. So it's generally easy for me to distance myself from that sort of behaviour. Is that healthy? Fuck no. It's something I have to work on gradually. It's just a subconcious self-defense mechanism I developed over the years,

My opinion is that the best quick "fix" for this is that you find yourself a "Sponsor". Someone who already has a strong foothold in your life, someone that you trust and know will have your best interests at heart. He/she will be your voice of reason when they see you aren't being yourself anymore and act accordingly.

Other than that, it's just something you have to work on with time.

[Andriel_Isilien]

2 hours ago, Barney048 said:

My opinion is that the best quick "fix" for this is that you find yourself a "Sponsor". Someone who already has a strong foothold in your life, someone that you trust and know will have your best interests at heart. He/she will be your voice of reason when they see you aren't being yourself anymore and act accordingly

That's really helpful!! I didn't think of that. Having a sponsor, mentor, or an ally that can be a soundboard to help keep things in perspective. Even if just a friend that will slap some sense into you when the denial is strong. Not that the responsibility to get help is anyone else's or that you should wait until someone else intervenes. But it's good to remember there is backup waiting to help. Something that surprised me about a month or two ago when I finally reached out to trusted people.... they were SO thankful that I did contact them after all this time. I still am shocked how many good people there are that are so willing to help, you just have to ask.

You are spot on about "being distanced from people" like friends, family, or support in general. I didn't realize how dangerous the isolation can be a few years ago. I thought it was what I needed. The pandemic was partly to blame but with the advanced technology we have today there really is no excuse. This wasn't retreating to focus on myself, it was isolation with a toxic partner. Denial and depression are like quicksand. Thank you for your insight, dude!! It was really helpful!

2 hours ago, WigglyBun said:

When I was young I was considered an "old soul" and now that I am in my mid 30's all I hear is how childish & immature I am, that I am naive, "Why haven't you learned better by now?", etc, etc

Ha, I know right?? 🥴 Damned if I do and damned if I don't. That's when I figured I best be myself and focus on what makes me happy. Because in the end, I am what matters most to me as that's who I'm stuck with. it's nice to know I'm not alone. 💖 It's ok to be where you are at right now

[Guest]

This this this!!

On 9/13/2022 at 3:01 PM, Barney048 said:

Online "dating" is very fast paced. People share very intimate and private things about themself quickly, because even though they see the person as a potential partner, he/she is lowkey still a stranger in their mind, someone who isn't really part of their life. We want to share our most intimate self with someone, but if that person is an active part of our life we'd take our time before doing so , make sure we trust them and what no, right? But online it's "easy" to talk about these things because even if they know, they won't really influence our everyday life due to it, and at the same time we get to share that burden with someone. Win-win, right? WRONG!

It's a trap many people fall into. By sharing these things prematurely you subconciously start seeing that person as more than they are, even if they are still just a casual friend in your mind. You get atached, it clouds your judgement and 1 week later you're on here crying about it. True story.

I can't say how many times I used to have to help members of my old server with this situation exactly. Talking quite a few members "off the edge" who are already talking marriage and moving in with each other after a month of dating...to a point where i was scared that they may disappear after risking to go see each other with no clue if they were ok. Even had a few wanting to move to another country after just a few months. 

Don't get me wrong, I've been in the fog of a beautiful fairytail start where I rushed in with all the feels and thinking i knew everything. Then it crashed and burned quite a few times lol.  but I was jaded enough by my past to not rush to fast by meeting a complete stranger who could end up un-aliving me.... 

So thank you Barney for posting this "proceed with caution" info, cause it will definitely help quite a few people.