A Daddy struggling with staying on track

[DurinTheDwarf]

This may be a long post and may contain the following trigers: [TW] Mental Issues, Autism [TW]

[Please read the TW above before continuing! Stay safe ❤️]

 

Hello all, I have been a daddy for a few years now, or so I thought.
I realised that I have been struggling with multiple issues as a Daddy/Dom. My past dynamics and relationships have failed, partly because of this.

The issue: I can't stay on track.
I am autistic, have a few mental issues, and I suffer from Aphantasia (this is the inability to create mental images, and leaves my mind empty unless I actively think. This means that most of the time, I do not think.)
This has had multiple implications throughout my life. School was especially hard for me, without the responsibility or motivation/discipline to do homework or study. I also got in a fair bit of trouble by saying things before thinking them through. Last but least, scheduling is a horror for me, as I quite literally just don't think about doing things or checking my schedule. I tried a lot of things, notes (which I forget to write), calenders (which I forget to check), alarms (which I mindlessly swipe away and don't think about, the same for notifications).

 

This leads to the troubles about being a Daddy. Enforcing rules, checking on my little for food/water reminders, replying when gaming, following through on punishments or rewards. I quite frankly suck at it. I been trying, hard. I have some amazing friends, both littles and adults, that help me out with it and give me tips. But when I have my own little, I don't want them to suffer from this. I want to be a proper daddy that takes care of them, not them of me. 
I know it's totally fine to ask a little to help you and remind you, but I don't want the roles to become reversed and have them suffer from my shortcomings.

The second issue is not losing interest. It's not the person or dynamic, it's by my own failure, that I lose interest. We set boundairies, rules, expectations, and more. For a time it goes well, until I am used to being together. Until the first rules are broken, and the first rewards and punishments are forgotten. When the first punishments are not being completed by my little, or when I forget to give a reward and I am not reminded. 

The third issue is boundaries. Let me put it out there that, whenever I seriously start a dynamic, I talk about what we are. We take the infamous bdsm test and talk about our results. Now, let me tell you, I am NOT a brat tamer. At least, not with heavy bratting. When someone brats heavily (as examples of what I went through: acting like im the 'side piece' and they are dating a stuffie instead, not listening to me or ignoring rules, saying things that disturb me even though I said multiple times I am not comfortable with it, continuesly bratting without breaks) I get triggered. I start acting back at them with an attitude, reflecting their behaviour onto them, because I don't know how to get them to stop or what they want from me. Instead of becoming angry or taking a step away, I react at them in their own ways. 
Im a soft dom, that likes soft bratting. I have the rule of 'one time bratting is fun (a.e. refusing to do a chore), two time is okay, three times is my limit. If in doubt, ask'. When this gets ignored, I am at a loss, and I don't know what to do anymore.
Somehow, these situations always seem to happen with the littles (and non-little girlfriends) I have been with. It makes me feel alone and lost, and I stop thinking about the things I  have to do, and slowly but surely I stop caring. I'm just an empty shell in the dynamic that is there when talked too, and a poor excuse of a daddy not doing what a daddy is supposed to do.

 

Now I'm lost, and I'm screaming for help alone.
Has any of the daddy's, or little's, out there have similar experiences? What have you done to get out of this situation or how to 'do better'.
Are there any tips, apps, or ways to be better at this. Anything will help.

On another note, I realised I was a bad daddy. I realised I wasn't ever fully prepared to be a daddy or what it meant to be one.
Before making this account, I spend 12 hours reading old posts on this forum and elsewhere, and taking a lot of notes. I want to learn. I want to be and do better.
Naturally, I am a gentleman. I am a caring, soft, gentle and loving person. I deeply care about people, and all my friends will say this. I have been ghosted by littles often, and also by regular people I considered friends. I have my issues and anxiety, but I rarely talk about them, let alone with strangers. I often wonder what is wrong with me.
I want to thank three very special friends in my life for helping me through this. it's through their care and dedication this past week that I dare expressing myself right now. So please, any tips or words may help.

[Vampiress]

Hey! Just wanted to say I totally respect that you have gone through a lot of self reflection to acknowledge your mistakes, do a lot of research, and then come here seeking help. It shows a great deal of responsibility and willingness to grow. Lots of people don't even bother to do that much to better themselves.

I don't feel like I have enough experience with autism to really help with your struggles, I can't think of a way to get around that and so I hope someone else can come along and point you in a productive direction.

I did come here to offer some food for thought. As we know, not all Daddies and littles are the same and so perhaps your best bet is finding a little who will more easily exist comfortably with the things you find yourself forgetting to do. Not all littles feel a need to have rules, or chores, or punishments. Some littles will dislike these very specific things. If you are having a hard time implementing things see if you can connect with a little who is okay with that, or needs very little of it to begin with. There are definitely more independent littles out there and I think that if you consider it you might find this could be a more productive relationship for you as it would put less pressure on you. It at least seems like a good place to start.

I hope you can find the help and information you need so that you can become the Daddy you want to be and have a wonderful relationship with someone.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Vampiress