My story... my journey.. my new beginning...

[sweetblossom]

I have spent the last little while reading reading over several posts on this board and seeing some topics brought up that made me feel that my story may need to be seen as it may prevent when I am going though right now to happen to someone else.  Not sure if this is where I should put this but figured this would be a good place.

I am a very shy person and to this day no one has ever heard this it has been my silent battle and in some ways I even feel that it is a silent shame. All I ask is please do not judge this story is to help not to bring about hate.

Let me first start by warning people what you are about to read may be triggering to some but I want to assure you that there is or was no abuse verbal or physical everything to this point was safe sane and consensual just completely messed up but if my story can help someone it has to be heard.

Let me start by saying I am not 44 years old and I stumbled upon the bdsm world at 19 and at that point in my life I thought it answered everything to all my feeling wants needs and why to that point just a normal boyfriend couldn't hold my attention or stir anything within me. I had no idea  at the time what cg/l life was nor did I even know what a little even was. It was not until my 30s when I stumbled upon this lifestyle in second life of all places and started to research it online and at local groups that I realized what I felt inside was not wrong that I was not just a horrible submissive.

So let me start at the beginning

It was the early days of online dating sites, yahoo chat rooms and forums so I started to ask questions and looking into that lifestyle at that point the groups and what not I was a part of explained my wants and likes kept being boxed into the category of submissive but those in the lifestyle around that I just had a few extra quirks they would say oh your a submissive babygirl. Looking back at it now I was far to naïve at that point I was still a virgin with little experience. I made so many mistakes that I regret now and put myself in soo much danger trying to find what I thought was my "dream dom". I was lucky oh so lucky after a few meetings with doms letting them come to my home  strangers I met online that I never got taken advantage of or even worse raped. This went on for 2 years and in the summer of 99 I found what I thought was my dream dom the man I would give my virginity to and to this point the only one I have ever been with. 

For the first 5 years it was all so new and different to have that structure I thrived on it for a while but always in the back of my mind I felt there was something missing. We had our odd disagreements and fights but we were still learning each other and he kept chalking it up to I was still new to this lifestyle that I would adjust and find my place as his slave.

The following years things slowly started to change I started to change what I think of it now is I grew in my submission into something different wanting something more. At that point I think it was around year 8 or 9 we had all but stopped being a D/s couple that part of our relationship slowly began to die we stopped going to events and we were for pretty much roommates that slept in the same bed. It was than when I really started to look into the CG/l lifestyle I was excited finally having answers and that I could fix the funk my relationship I was in by telling him he always seemed so open and I tried everything he wanted me to try within the lifestyle that he would try this with me. I was wrong I started to talk to him about it and he at that point kept trying to convince me I was wrong that this was not me to stop being silly. But in the same breath when we got into fights he would call me childish and tell me to grow up. Or punish me for anything he perceived as childish.

The next few years I tried really I did to be what he wanted to hide what I wanted and felt cause I loved him and wanted nothing more than to make him happy even though I was miserable. I will spare you a lot of the fights and heartache but needless to say I when from being is slave to becoming his servant that did everything for him serving like a maid while he treated me as a friend that just happened to share that same bed. With every passing year and each new fight or my trying to get out of the friendship zone there was so many battles so many tears he just kept telling me that it was my fault that he did nothing wrong that I was not submissive enough. He blamed me for our relationship breaking down that he was compromising and doing everything yet in truth he checked out of it just as much as I had we were both to blame for letting this last this long when we were both obviously unhappy.

 When it happened I don't really know but I realized that I loved him but I was no longer in love with him. At some point he stopped being my Master and became my best friend I love him to this day but not in the same way as I know in my heart he is not the one I needed. Yet when I told him I would leave and let him find someone right for him he didn't want to let me go. He kept saying you agreed to be mine you are mine I will not let you go. I stopped being his years ago he has not touched me physically over 6 years ago except for a peck on the forehead. Even the punishments the serving had all but stopped. Our needs became the huge elephant in the room we just never talked about and he began seeking out online subs yet every time I brought up that maybe I should leave would be the only time we would fight. 

 To this day I don't know why he has held on this long to me and he has left me no choice to do what I am doing right now he is not willing to let go so I am saving to go on my own and I feel guilty about it that I have to do this and to be honest it is not like I am even hiding it really he has checked out of my life so much that I am writing this now with him less than 2 feet away and he has yet to speak to me or look at me once in the over 2 hours I have been writing this with tears streaming down my face. I know when I get up he will ignore them and say something like reading a sad book cause I think he is as much done as I am and I will let him believe it. Does that make me a bad person I don't know but at the start of the pandemic I made a choice I need to move on I have spent more time with him being unhappy trying to be what he wants than I have been happy in my whole life. 

So if you reached this point I will end with this. Please I beg of you do not please rush into anything with anyone and do not be like me and spend years of your life not following your dreams. Be happy be you except yourself for who you are and fight for what you want and need for hiding it and trying to fit into a mold that someone wants you to be while lead you down a very sad path.

I wish everyone a good evening and all the hopes and dreams of finding your happy ever after... I may be 22 years late but my journey to find mine is finally starting.... 

sweetblossom signing off...