Too picky or picky enough?

[gekteil]

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Edited August 2, 2022 by gekteil

[Baby Bat]

From personal experience, I have to say it's way better to be with yourself than to be with the wrong person. Being in a relationship that your whole heart isn't it... it'll affect your self love, self worth, respect, quality of life, so many things.

[moondust mochi]

I agree with the above. I think that settling for someone never works out. 

... And we're totally destroying the environment, but not even slowly. 😅

[Guest mazzybby]

i feel exactly like you, n idk what to do abt it 😞 i hate being this way

[baby_k]

To me that sounds bit of an excuse if you never find anyone who is "interesting / amazing" ( didn't check you age: if you are young, makes sense still. If you are older, then more fishy ). Are you sure that you are not just overprotecting yourself from getting hurt by "not finding anyone interesting"?

Obviously those amazing people are not everywhere, so it's good to be bit picky of course and not just settle with anyone. If there is a clear incompatibility, there is no point forcing things. But sometimes the incompabilities are just in our heads.

One thing to be aware is that people may not immediately feel right and perfect and bells won't be ringing in your head. People may just be nice or okay or even annoying and stupid. Love may still grow from there.

I don't say that try to start relationship with someone you are not that into, I mean that give people time by getting to know them. Many people start to be way cooler once you get to know them properly and understand their value. It would be bit obnoxious to say everyone is lame based on some face value, and tells more that you don't understand their path and assets as quite often people are way more than they originally seem to be. Sometimes it of course requires the right kind of person to get that out form them.

I have met person who I didn't see even as a dating potential. Only to notice lot later that he is in my eyes absolutely amazing, how his personality and character are admirable and even looks are to die for. Had I been quick to judge in a way that I had just moved on to next person, I would have missed all this.

[HannibalLittle]

Okay so here's the thing. I'm gonna say a lot of things here that irritate the crap out of people. So buckle up. 

 

Honestly why is this even a mindset we have to have? Because it's so accurate. And I don't think it even has very much to do with you so much as it has to do with the current way we are being programmed to meet and treat each other. Socially humanity is becoming inept. Which is humorous for me to say because it makes it out that I probably am that individual who cannot read a room and seems to think that the rules don't apply to me and blah blah mind your peas and cues. [Ques]? 

 

But take a look around yourself right now and you'll see that the expectations for us have stayed the same while the environment has shifted drastically. Your parents probably met in a super organic way going to a youth group or a seeing each other around the neighborhood or just anything really where they were meandering along living their lives and they just went like 'oh wow they're real neat' and eventually things found their way to snowball into a progressive relationship dynamic.

 

Today. You're sitting in front of a metal screen (as of course we all are) and we're fully removed from the organic components that lead people to find attraction in each other. Chemical biologists and anthropologists agree that love at first sight is the most literal explanation of most affairs. We don't get to know people and then fall in love. Our biological makeup sees and smells a human and in less than 30 seconds out brain chemistry has shifted a series of gears that goes 'i acknowledge all the necessary elements that were needed to turn me on. I can now make it work with this person to find out if I like them.' we our biologically designed to love indefinitely and immediately but liking each other isn't important from a chemical level. Evolutionarily speaking liking each other does not matter. Because we are engrained with the awareness of constant change and inevitable death. So now we're on this screen right. And we endless choices where we have to figure out what we like. Except none of us really know what we like because "like" isn't a fixed state and it isn't something that matters long term because we are pre-programmed to expect loss. But now where does that put us?

 

Well, frankly it puts us in a high tendency for low dopamine and an inability to regulate serotonin. So we're at a higher rate of developing ADHD, ADD, and Depression. All of which can cause and negatively be inflated by: loneliness, sleep disturbance, a lack of basic enjoyment in life, financial insecurity,... And the list turns into this vicious circle. 

 

In short -and maybe I should have started off with this- you're not being "too picky" you're being a human being that is cooped up inside in the age of technology where even if you go outside every potentially viable human is glued to their flipping phones. Not, of course, to be confused w flip phones. Tho I sure do miss the satisfying snap we used to have to inflict a short bout of dopamine with the auditory notification to our brain we had succeeded at completing a task. 

-think about that concept too long tho and you're gonna be met w a new loop of endless death where you'll notice that they replaced the phone click shut at the end of a call to a flat faced device w no sound unless you get a like on a social media post or a message notification from someone you can't tell if you even like cuzzzz ding ding ding we're using metal boxes to try and manipulate some semblance of human connection and it all adds to more artifice leading to more loneliness and depression and sleep disturbances... Oh hey what a coincidence. You're not being picky. You're just not built to live life the way our generation is being made to. Which significantly blows cuz there isn't actually a cure. We're all just uncomfortable and waiting to click in some way w another human to then meet in person and hope our brain is coded to find them suitably bangable. Cuz if it isn't the day keeps groundhogging it up and one day we'll wake up at 50 and realize all we got to choose from was whether to sleep w someone we could withstand or sit at home wondering if we should settle to sleep w someone we could withstand. 

 

You're not the problem dude. You're not the thing that's broken. Our society is just mussy af.

[Feisty_cute_angel]

Omg I didn’t think anyone thought the same except my close (and only) friends. I love love love hannibalLittle’s explanation. I completely agree and gekteil you are not alone cause I am the same way. I have strong trust issues as well, it’s so hard for me to find someone. The ones I meet or talk to only want one thing or don’t know what their looking but still want to take your time and energy and I just can’t get with that. So I have take yet another break from dating until someone get it right the first time which it should be.

But this will be my longest break and I’m ready for it. It’s time I focus on me a little bit more and rest some more. It time for me to reclaim my energy and also make it stronger. I need to work on things as well but that’s what will make me grow and be more open and true to myself. 
 

This bad dating in society shouldn’t discourage you but I suggest maybe taking that time to heal from these bad experiences and reclaim your energy, give yourself a break and relax. Breathe again, go on adventures, take yourself on a date, reconnect with yourself. Love you, accept you, be kind to yourself.
 

It’s good to be picky cause that is healthy boundaries for you. If they don’t meet those boundaries or try to tear them down then those are not the right people for you. 

I hope this isn’t to much. I kinda talk a lot about things I’m passionate about. XD 

[HannibalLittle]

I appreciate the appreciation feisty_cute_angel. Gekteil, both of you should feel free to message me one on one. Both of you seem chill and it's nice to see we three have some common ground.

[Feisty_cute_angel]

5 hours ago, HannibalLittle said:

I appreciate the appreciation feisty_cute_angel. Gekteil, both of you should feel free to message me one on one. Both of you seem chill and it's nice to see we three have some common ground.

Awww, and most definitely it’s hard to find people like this.