The Bar

[Married_Lg]

I’ve been around the lifestyle for a few years now, and in the beginning I would make beginner errors- sub frenzy, not vetting, giving too much too soon… and now that I’m growing into myself, and having friends in the lifestyle, and learning day by day… The Bar is just getting higher and higher. I’m so worried I won’t ever find someone who does even Most of the things I’m looking for. No one is perfect… but intelligent Non kink conversation? Caring for me in more than a sexual way? Letting me “in” on their daily life? Making time and scheduling time to be with me? Just the basics here. But it feels unattainable. I’m not looking to jump into a DDLG relationship. Let me be friends with you first. Let the trust build. My submission is so much sweeter if given and not yanked on by someone. 
 

I’m not the only one who feels this way right? 

[Andriel_Isilien]

I know what you mean. I jumped into marriage too fast and sorely regret it. Huge disappointment that I made. I am working on learning my errors and to do better for myself. I'm a hopeless romantic that values friendship and emotional intelligence far higher than sexual chemistry. Don't get me wrong, physical intimacy is wonderful, but it's not worth throwing around when there is no substance outside of that. Ddlg I want to be the icing on the cake of my relationship. I am interested in how I get along with my partner as a vanilla couple first and foremost. The power exchange and submission is no light matter.

 

I saw the quote, "It's worth waiting for the one but don't wait for someone to be the one." I say keep your standards, don't lower them for the sake of having a partner. Know who you are in your core and stay true to you. I am now telling myself that I am worth more than halfway. I deserve to be sought after and to have time spent in getting to know me. I deserve to be valued and highly prized. Why? Because my heart is a fucking damn treasure, first and foremost to myself. Anyone else has to earn the privilege in having it. I have already made the mistake in giving heart away to those who won't treat it with care. I am worth more than that and so are you.

[Married_Lg]

YESSSS THIS IS THE ENERGY I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! 
 

it’s so necessary to get to know someone and value yourself to wait for someone worth it. I more than just the surface level relationship too. I hope the caregivers on this site react to this (positively) too.  

[Vampiress]

Absolutely stick to your standards. If you let them down to have someone in your life you'll end up wasting time on a bad match and could entirely miss the person who could've been a good match because you are unavailable. Whenever I look back on bad past relationships I don't sit here and think, "Oh I wish I was still in that relationship." We do not have unlimited time in our lives, so value your time and don't waste it on people who are only going to be a negative experience in your life. At least when you're single you don't have to deal with someone's bad habits, or feeling neglected because the person you're with doesn't meet even half of your needs. Focus on yourself and building a good relationship with yourself, work on goals and hobbies, and enjoy yourself while you wait for the person who will treat you right and enhance your life. Don't let anyone into your life that will become a detriment.

[Cebakes]

18 hours ago, Married_Lg said:

I’ve been around the lifestyle for a few years now, and in the beginning I would make beginner errors- sub frenzy, not vetting, giving too much too soon… and now that I’m growing into myself, and having friends in the lifestyle, and learning day by day… The Bar is just getting higher and higher. I’m so worried I won’t ever find someone who does even Most of the things I’m looking for. No one is perfect… but intelligent Non kink conversation? Caring for me in more than a sexual way? Letting me “in” on their daily life? Making time and scheduling time to be with me? Just the basics here. But it feels unattainable. I’m not looking to jump into a DDLG relationship. Let me be friends with you first. Let the trust build. My submission is so much sweeter if given and not yanked on by someone. 
 

I’m not the only one who feels this way right? 

The things that you are looking for are really pretty basic and any competent daddy should be able to provide them.  It really seems so simple but it is a key part of the foundation of a relationship.  I am a pretty kinky and highly sexual guy, but you can only spend so many hours in the bedroom.   I would say if you don’t see these basic qualities in your partner within a month or two, and you are seeking these attributes, you probably should either move on, or accept the fact that that his person doesn’t have these key qualities.

[beanbean]

Quote

 

 never settle  becuase thats bad for both of you . always take your time never let your seff get pressured in to something your not ready for . like i said it could hurt everyone involved .never lower the bar  becuase you could miss out on the one that could br your clicker , for the wrong one

[ZenDaddy]

On 7/28/2022 at 7:43 AM, Cebakes said:

I would say if you don’t see these basic qualities in your partner within a month or two, and you are seeking these attributes, you probably should either move on, or accept the fact that that his person doesn’t have these key qualities.

There was an assessment given on a site by a psychologist dealing in relationship dynamics, that for me validated the 6 month rule.  Within 6 months of any fresh relationship (mind you, there's no one size fits all.. but I've found this rule to be spot on), the blinders come off, both parties find themselves feeling much more comfortable with the other, and you begin to see them (and they you) a bit clearer for what they bring to the table.  Another way of putting it is, a Conman (or woman) can only keep a con up for so long before they begin to drop their guard and aren't quite so Mr or Ms perfect, lol.   Also, in that time you begin to experience the true dynamics between your two personalities, areas maybe the two of you rub each other the wrong way, how they do this or that or mannerisms from either of you that the other find irritating, OR greater yet, Red Flags. 

My point is, even the best of relationships or what seem to be the best of relationships can and often test our boundaries.  Maybe we discover what we felt were"hard" boundaries weren't that big of a deal and maybe we can loosen up.  (The danger here is, understand in the newness of a relationship, we're often ruled by our emotions, and quite frankly emotions can be the enemy of logic or truth, and unfortunately we drop our OWN standards to try to make this person or relationship fit.  Very Bad Idea, and never ends well.. )  Establish your boundaries exactly as you've done, and like Cebakes said what you're asking for is really pretty basic stuff for any healthy relationship.   The benefits of holding out for what you want and need in a partner or relationship far outweigh the price of giving in and ignoring your standards, just for the sake of having 'someone' fill a void.  A principle many of us that are single, constantly have to remind ourselves of daily, lol.   

[Married_Lg]

28 minutes ago, ZenDaddy said:

The benefits of holding out for what you want and need in a partner or relationship far outweigh the price of giving in and ignoring your standards, just for the sake of having 'someone' fill a void.  A principle many of us that are single, constantly have to remind ourselves of daily, lol.

This!!!! I love this!! I hear this almost once a week if not more from one of my best friends. He keeps telling me I’ll be good at 45 or 65 or whatever-5 too, and that my youth is not the only thing I have going for me (which I get it, I’m old compared to many many people on this site) . Constantly fighting the impulse to jump into something that isn’t tested by friendship first. But alsoooo that void? Ah. That void Sucks. Big picture though- the void can’t be filled by something shallow that doesn’t have a good foundation.

[sweetblossom]

13 hours ago, Married_Lg said:

This!!!! I love this!! I hear this almost once a week if not more from one of my best friends. He keeps telling me I’ll be good at 45 or 65 or whatever-5 too, and that my youth is not the only thing I have going for me (which I get it, I’m old compared to many many people on this site) . Constantly fighting the impulse to jump into something that isn’t tested by friendship first. But alsoooo that void? Ah. That void Sucks. Big picture though- the void can’t be filled by something shallow that doesn’t have a good foundation.

Yeah I that void does suck though I know soo many young people just getting into a lifestyle relationship like me let their need outweigh their brain and ended up in a bad relationship which is never fun. I wish years ago I had known people within the lifestyle that were my friends and just smacked me upside the head saying hold firm girl down jump headfirst off the deep end with the first person you think "may" be what you want. I should have taken things slow I don't know how many times when I was younger that put me at serious risk of being not only rapped but killed if the person I was meeting was not someone safe.