New Daddy Questions

[GentleSquirrel]

So just an introduction for myself, I am pretty new to this community and just overall topic so please correct me or offer advice. I would consider myself to be really open to others preferences and have mentioned to her that I don't judge her at all for the things she has told me. I want her to feel as comfortable around me as possible because in the end that makes me feel good too. And as you will notice just by the length of this post, that I want to learn more and just make her happy as possible.

 

To start off, we haven't really put any 'label' on it but I would consider something along the lines of caregiver/little, but not really sure of all the terminology. We are very premature into us talking (~2-3 weeks) and I met her through reddit when she was looking for people to play videogames. Ever since then, we have pretty much talked, played everyday but in the end, we are long distance. I'm a college student, and she is starting to go back to school soon so although I would like to visit quite frequently, especially in the summer it wouldn't be until possibly July until I would be able to save up money to fly out there, which we have talked about already. 

 

Some context to how I am towards her, and others in general; I am a quite shy at first, but grown comfortable around her to some degree. I make sure to compliment her on things she sends, says and does to a point where i think I'm overdoing it sometimes. I wouldn't consider our relationship to be primarily sexually motivated as I have noticed that my libido has gone down quite a bit since talking with her and I did mention this to her and she appreciated it. I am completely fine just playing videogames, watching disney movies, and reading her bedtime stories. I try my best to bring up things that kind of bothered me but I've noticed that she gets really sad/cries because she thinks she upset me. Which sometimes I have been, but I usually just let her know I need a few minutes and I try my best not to ghost her for a few hours (which I haven't) and comfort her. 

 

Some things that have happened that I have questions about: (Note: I do understand some of my thoughts I will talk about are toxic in a relationship, and I am working on them. To this point some of these thoughts I have not expressed my concern to her)

We are long-distance (3-hr time difference w/ me being +3 hrs)

1. She mentions her ex-boyfriend, she also mentioned her ex texting her and saying sorry and stuff, and she said something along the lines of I felt sorry, he cried when I broke up with him, and just other guys in general a lot and although she primarily talks with me, I have past experiences where I just have that doubt in my mind something is going on. (Haven't mentioned this part to her) There have been times where she starts talking about other guys and I kind of stay quiet and she asks why I'm quiet. I don't really know how to respond, I usually try to stay upbeat and stuff because I'm usually not like that but I'm confused why she does this.

2. A particular situation where we planned to have a 'date night' on a day and I think the day of she said she was going somewhere with a guy friend (so far she usually stops messaging me completely when she is out). I wasn't necessarily upset that she went with her friend, but I was looking forward to it because I had exams that night so I was going to come back home and play some games. I ended up not doing so great on the exams and I was having a hard time, but she went with her friend after ~10min of talking to me saying she had to leave, in where I didn't mention what happened. I ended up playing by myself for most of the night, and when she got back she wanted to play. She picked up that I was a bit upset because of my 'sad' tone and I just quietly said I was looking forward to tonight. At this she got pretty upset and started crying and saying sorry over and over for dissappointing me. 

3. One thing I have noticed that I wanted to change about myself was that I kind of stopped playing/talking with my friends because I would play with her instead. So yesterday (I didn't mean it like this but she did mention that she cleared her schedule so we could play all day),she decided to take a nap(somtimes she would nap for ~3 hrs so I thought it was fine), and I messaged her that I was going to play with some friends while she slept. She got pretty upset that I left her (we were in a voicecall), which I did apologize and I said that I didn't want to hurt her. The thing I didn't mention was that I feel like I get super sad when she goes out with friends and I kind of stopped playing with my other friends, so I would kind of just do nothing. So to fix this, I wanted to keep in contact with my friends and so I decided to play with them. 

 

I want to be able to tell her my thoughts without her getting upset, but I haven't found away. I am here to ask for advice on things I can do to help our relationship. Whether it is cute things to do with her long-distance or just overall advice on how to bring things up. I want to work this out, so I would appreciate an alternative to, "you have to stop talking". 

 

Again I really do know it's super early into knowing her but I want to help her feel like she can talk to me when upset

 

I think this is pretty much the summary so far, please ask any questions as I am most likely willing to answer as long as it doesn't reveal information about her, but I will share my thoughts about myself. 

[LoverEcho]

As far as I can see, your questions/concerns don't exactly relate to ddlg in any way but I am going to provide some advice anyhow.

 

First things first, communication is the key to any relationship or dynamic. You can never control how the other person will react, all you can do is try your best to communicate in an effective non-confrontational tone. You can also continue to offer that reassurance that you are not upset with her but you are just trying to talk about something that bothers you. Regardless of relationship label or dynamic, your partnership should be a give and take meaning she should be able to support you in the things you are struggling with just as you support her. 

 

Below I will respond to each of the things you brought up:

 

1. A big clarification here would be for you to think about if she's talking about guys specifically or just talking about friends that happen to be guys. If she is talking about them in a way that gives the impression that she is interested in them, I would bring this up. You have said you have not put a label on your relationship, but you both should know if you are expecting any kind of exclusivity. If she it just talking about her friends that happen to be guys and this bothers you, that is more and issue for you to reflect about yourself. The situation with her ex can be touchy. If she has loose ends there that she feels she needs to clean up, I would suggest letting her do so. Again, you would have to talk to her about it and really uncover the reason she talks to him. 

 

2. Plans that change for emergencies or other situational things should be understandable but this situation seems like she just changed plans on you because she wanted to do something else. I am taking this from the perspective that these plans were solid, not just a "let's maybe do this if we are free," so in this situation you were right to bring it up. It is understandable that she felt upset for feeling that she disappointed you, as long as the two of you can and did speak about this there is not much else to be done unless you want to explicitly ask her to not do it again. 

 

3. When we as people meet someone new that infatuation can kick in that makes us want to spend all our time with them. However, it is important to maintain healthy friendships outside of the relationship if one wants to do so. It is good that you recognized that you want to maintain your friendships and she should be understanding of this. If you have not spoken to her about this, I would suggest doing so. She has friends that she does things with, you should be able to as well without there being any conflict. 

 

Overall, it seems your problem is communication. Not that you have not tried, but that you are anxious that she will get upset every time you do so. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about this other than sit down and have a thorough conversation with her about why she gets so upset when you talk about even a minor issue. There may be other things going on for her that cause this reaction. 

 

I hope this helped you in some way. If you feel that you need to talk this out more, feel free to send a friend request. 

[Guest Zyphurex]

I would pretty much second everything Switchy Witchy said.  The only advice I would add is to first focus on what you both want out of this relationship. See if you're even on the same page. It's sounding like you're developing feelings that go beyond a platonic relationship. If you both decide to enter into some type of DDlg dynamic I'd make sure to have a deep understanding of her attachment style. I'm venturing on very little info here but I suspect her attachment style will help clarify question 1 and 3 for you. I think it would be beneficial to look into your own as well.

[GentleSquirrel]

I would pretty much second everything Switchy Witchy said.  The only advice I would add is to first focus on what you both want out of this relationship. See if you're even on the same page. It's sounding like you're developing feelings that go beyond a platonic relationship. If you both decide to enter into some type of DDlg dynamic I'd make sure to have a deep understanding of her attachment style. I'm venturing on very little info here but I suspect her attachment style will help clarify question 1 and 3 for you. I think it would be beneficial to look into your own as well.

Can you explain a little bit more about the attachment style, or have some sources I can read?