Daddy, but not to me

[Submommy]

(I'm so, so sorry this is a long post I promise I won't make long posts again.)

 

I'm very rarely little. Until very recently, I haven't asked anyone I know to care for me. I'm big enough for the irl logistics of my day. I tend to spend the day doing comfort things, and sometimes reach out for someone to talk to. (Cgs without current littles have babysat me for an hour or two.)

 

I'm in a (ldr) unit now with a daddy and a little. I happily take the mommy role. I'm daddy's sub, so I'm not a md, just a mommy. I'm only little a few times a month.

 

Daddy and I haven't gotten along very well when I'm little. The last time was so rough that he said he didn't want to daddy me the next time. (I didn't trust him, had a panic attack, didn't tell him that I did, pulled out of little space, and lashed out.) While I'm better at trusting now, I can't blame him for not wanting to risk his feelings. The relationship we have isn't ddlg and I understand that. (I'm typically a pain slave, which makes for a very different dynamic.)

 

Yesterday was my first little day with our girl. She took a big sister role, which she volunteered for. It was perfect. She plugged me, talked to me, reassured me, and stopped me from negative talk. It felt so good. I usually cry a lot when I'm little - most of the day - but I stopped crying for a while with her.

 

But while she was with me, she neglected some things she needed to do for daddy. When daddy got back, he was irritated at her. I disengaged. I stopped talking, except to tell him as big as I could that I was at fault for her not meeting his expectations.

 

I saw in chat that he praised her for caring for me, and said we were cute together. But I know he doesn't want me little. Pulling out of little space when I need it is so awful. (Is that normal? It feels like ripping, then like fighting to stay out.) But I did.

 

Daddy put her in deeper little space and they talked. It was like it wasn't my turn anymore and it hurt. They did video chat. I was invited, but I said I couldn't. I was crying still and I knew they would have sexy talk and I'd be expected to be mommy. I just couldn't.

 

I caught up on the evening chat this morning. I'm usually the first one in bed and it's one of the first things I do in the morning. They had lots of sexy talk, almost exclusively in little space. I love that when I'm mommy. But rn, trying not to be little, I'm so hurt and jealous.

 

Idk if I can watch them chat again today. I know I should say how I feel, but I don't want to. I don't want to cause guilt or tension. I sacrifice for my family, and maybe this is a sacrifice I need to make. Going back to being little on my own, and leaving chat and not checking until I'm fully big again.

 

I'm so new to ddlg/cgl. I avoided it before, I guess bc I didn't wanna accept it. I don't know what's normal - but I'm pretty sure I'm not it. lol I know I need to tell daddy and babygirl how I feel. I guess I'm just venting and maybe looking for a little validation.

[Bumbl3B33]

Your so not alone in how you feel. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself, coming for a little who's done it her whole life. 

And YOU ARE SO VALID! Much luv to you. 

[Little kaiya]

It sounds like you are trying to sacrifice part of who you are to please your partners and that never ends up well. I'd recommend an adult conversation had outside of any dynamics to express and negotiate proper limits and boundaries.

 

Without that kind of discussion you will lose part of who you are, whether it is a part that is expressed a couple times a month or more often, and that is not healthy or ok.

[MasterPhotog]

I fully agree with the above two replies. You need to have an adult talk with him. 
Accepting you for what you're shouldn't be too difficult for your Daddy or too much to ask of him. 
Regardless of your role, don't be afraid to let him know your feelings. Best of luck. 

[Submommy]

Thank you so much, to all of you!!!

 

We had a good talk, the three of us. Babygirl took her sister-y role for me. And I had my first actually good little experience! No shame, no fear, no loneliness. I think we have good expectations for the future.

[Hugme_please]

I am very happy for you!!

 

I was very sad when i first read your post, but since I am new to the lifestyle as well I didnt have any advice for you and hence I could not comment!

 

Hope you gets good experience going further!!!

[Bumbl3B33]

Thank you so much, to all of you!!!

 

We had a good talk, the three of us. Babygirl took her sister-y role for me. And I had my first actually good little experience! No shame, no fear, no loneliness. I think we have good expectations for the future.

So Happy for you!  <3

[Vampiress]

Your first post made me so sad, I am glad you were able to talk with them and hopefully find some kind of resolution. I hope it only continues to get better for you. Just know that if it ever happens again you do not need to sacrifice yourself and all of your needs to please others, your needs should also be included just as much as anyone else's in the dynamic.

[DaddyDomination]

I'd also say any agreements need to be held up. If not, sometimes it's not a good fit. You need and deserve a balanced relationship and everyone should be getting their needs addressed and met if possible. 

 

Best wishes for success. 

[Submommy]

I'd also say any agreements need to be held up. If not, sometimes it's not a good fit. You need and deserve a balanced relationship and everyone should be getting their needs addressed and met if possible.

 

Best wishes for success.

Thank you! I want to say that I trust my family to do what they say they will. The dysfunction in this situation was largely bc I didn't choose to trust them. ("Trust is a choice," is a bit of a mantra with us.) Peeling things back gave us a lot of perspective and understanding for one another.

 

(One of the things I learned is that daddy worried about being too harsh with me while little, bc our big dynamic is delightfully rough. He didn't want to damage my trust in him by accidentally overstepping. I understand that, and we'll fine-tune it as we go.)

 

Being safe while little gave me so much room to think about what it felt like and what I wanted and needed. I feel like I rarely made it past the initial cloud of fear and loneliness. (I have no idea if that's a normal thing to experience? I feel completely ignorant. lol) Now that we know how they can help me do that, we're looking forward to seeing how my little self and space develop.

 

Thank you all for your support!!!!