What dominance mean to me - what does it mean to you?

[ktownDaddy]

I was reading comments today about the use of the word dominant and its interpretation. Here is an article that I posted last year - for what it’s worth. 
 

I think there is a lot of confusion about what a power exchange in a relationship is, and what are the specifics behind the role of dominant and submissive. 

In recent conversations I have witnessed how damaging that misusing of power can be (be it intentional or not) and the lasting effects a toxic relationship can have on someone.

In a relationship, the Dom is laying down his various forms of conditioning be they classical or operant. He is working to remove the negative and implement the positive through reinforcement and repetition. Though if the Dominant doesn’t understand his role/ability and power and it’s more of a subversive kink than that inherent natural role to guide/provide, then negative effects can be embedded, and cause more harm than good.

Anyhow, I digress - here is the original post.

What Dominance means to me - what does it mean to you ?

The word Dominant comes from the Latin Word “Domanari” it refers to “a ruler” or “ of government power”, in loose interpretation a voice of reason, a leader, a guide - an example that others choose to lead and desire to follow. There are other definitions, in science it references the more dominant gene. Though, as this is not a science class - I am sticking with the first example as it’s far more fitting for this generation.

I am pleased that there is a site like this to give those of in the lifestyle a place to mingle and a platform to converse on. I also think it’s great to be able to browse the site, read articles and educate yourself. I feel that to become a better dominant, you should always learning and improving on who you are - that goes without in all areas of your life when you think about it.

I surprised when I read profile comments like “ I have many years experience as a dominant, “I know when to yell and use strong words when needed but can also be soft and caring as well” or “ I will have to power to show you what you need” or “ I will teach you that need to follow rules”.

Has the essence of the 20th Century Dominant become that of chest beating and bravado. Do you rule by force and demand submission - is the new age Dominant in essence a bully. Has this become the acceptable norm.

I will be the first to admit, I am not a perfect dominant, I get frustrated and annoyed, I get angry and struggle to find the right answers. I am always seeking ways to grown and improve, I understand that will make me better at who I am and the role that I wish to convey. These are areas that I need to work on. I am a better Dom because I am privileged to have had some wonderful submissives in my life and they have taught me as much about who I am as I have taught them about themselves. 

What I do try to do though is be kind, be understanding, listen and remain calm. Dominance (to me) is about renaming calm and retaining control of a situation. It’s not about shouting, yelling or showing any indication that you are out of control. In my experience a key component of being a good Dom is that of always being in control. This is done by listening, assessing and understanding your role and feeding off the signals given off be her - these could be conscious and subconscious. You are the rational, mind, voice and hand that should be guiding - not tainting because of your own toxic agenda. 

It’s not about saying to your partner that you will “need” to do this - it’s about saying and conveying that you will “want”to do this. That you will want to follow my lead because you believe in my guidance, my knowledge and the care I have for your over all well-being.

To those who meet me - I want experience you have to be positive. I want to set a high bar of what’s acceptable and what you should call acceptable.

I want to be a good steward to the community and a facilitator of knowledge and good practice. As I said before, I am not an expert - I am merely a student, though as a student on his journey of knowledge to become a better dominant, I am very concern by the teachings and conveyors of this role. Especially on this site. It’s frustrating when I read about the loads of experience that some profess to have and wonder how this experience is measured and gauged.

I am fascinated by string theory and watch loads of videos on YouTube - this doesn’t mean I will be heading the Quantum Physics program at NASA anytime soon. 

We need to educate, question and understand before the pendulum swings and the beauty of guidance, love and protection becomes a form of acceptable bullying and toxic behaviour.

Thanks for the read

Drew

Edited November 2, 2024 by ktownDaddy

[junebug0325]

Hey there,

 

Thanks for your very informative post. I wish I had this platform and people like you to educate others when I was first starting out in this lifestyle. I, unfortunately, got myself in a bad situation because I was uninformed of what true dominance and submission were.

 

To me, Dominance is not about yelling, shouting, or even demanding. Sure, you can have demands that you want or even need to be met, which is perfectly healthy, but if you have to raise your voice to get something done, then there are many issues. Think about when we were kids - we didn't like being yelled at or chastised by our parents. I know for me, it made me cry, and sometimes even made me do the opposite of what my parents wanted.

 

My Daddy never yells at me, yet I am still perfectly loyal and submissive to him. Dominance is respect. Dominance is taking care of your submissive even when they are sick or having a bad day. Dominance is not just hitting and yelling, it is making sure your partner is safe and healthy. It is guiding them to the place that you want or teaching them what you want. 

 

I could go on about what dominance means to me all day long. But truthfully, it is different for everyone and that's why there are so many different dynamics out there.

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

 

 

 

Junebug x. 

[ktownDaddy]

Thank you Junebug for your kind words and taking time respond to my post.

 

I appreciate your thoughts as well “ My Daddy never yells at me, yet I am still perfectly loyal and submissive to him. Dominance is respect. Dominance is taking care of your submissive even when they are sick or having a bad day.“

 

Exactly !!

 

Cheers!

 

Drew

[ForeverFluffy]

As a switch, understanding what dominance means to me has been essential to having a healthy relationship with my primary partner. We have come to an agreement as to what our behaviors and philosophies should be.

Dominance, in our shared definition, is the ability to lead while maintaining calm, reason, and a sense of safety for all parties involved. It is guiding your submissive and treating them with respect, patience, and an understanding of their limits and boundaries. It is demonstrating that you keep all of this in mind so as to reassure your submissive that you are doing your job. It’s keeping them safe and establishing limits when they can’t for themselves. It is encouraging growth in your submissive in all aspects and encouraging them to be the best they can be for themselves, not for you. And it’s ensuring that your submissive understands the risks, benefits, and possible outcomes. That cannot be overstated. If they don’t understand, you must demonstrate the leadership to put a stop to it.

Anywhozzle that’s my two cents.

[ktownDaddy]

Hi FF,

 

Thank you for your 2 cents worth, I appreciate you chiming in and sharing your thoughts!

 

Love this !!! “ It’s keeping them safe and establishing limits when they can’t for themselves. It is encouraging growth in your submissive in all aspects and encouraging them to be the best they can be for themselves, not for you.”

 

Brilliant!

[Satan]

I think one of the most important things for a Dom to understand is being a dom means when you are wrong you own up to it and do better. Your actions should match your words. For a Dom who can't keep their word is a poor excuse.

 

Thank you for sharing this. It's a good portrayal of what Dom's should aim for.

[Kitten&Spice]

This is an amazing topic and it is wonderful that you have brought up a question that needs to be addressed more!

 

Being someone who is a sub and little I found a lot of people taking their role as a “dominant” to full some toxic and demeaning behavior. I personally see a dominant as someone more mature, calm, and has the ability to feel the room! They are aware of limits and take the effort to pick up on things required to keep them and their partner safe! They educate but they also know when to step back and be the voice of reason. That have empathy and see them being a dominant as an honor rather then something they deserve! They offer a form of stability and safety to their partner!

 

I have a high respect for dominants who look past the screens and learn! There is a lot that want more to play out a fantasy rather then take up such an important role! This is a power exchange for most people! Dominants gain a level of trust that is sometimes not even given to married couples! They are seen as the protector! Someone who you know you can give everything to and know that they will take care of your entire being! It is an amazing feeling to have a dom who gives you that level of security! And to me when I can look at someone and know that my life is safe in their hands is one thing that makes a dom what they are!

 

One thing I think gets confused is that all Doms have different styles as well as subs. The way one works and sets rules and guides may or may not work depending on the individual! For example I am not one who responds well to any form of degradation or yelling. I know some people consent to those forms of punishment but it shouldn’t be something that you do because “that is my style.” I understand things can slip and in those moments is best to take beak, do some self care, evaluate, and then talk to your partner! It’s not all flowers and rainbows but I do believe with proper communication things can fix and work themselves out!!

 

Sorry for the rambling!! I could go on and on about this but I will digress! Thanks for such an amazing topic starter!!

[Bumbl3B33]

I myself believe dominant roles in a relationship is so much different from being a angry, loud bully. My Daddy never demands my attention, but though praise, rewards, and sometimes I need a punishment.

But My Daddy reaffirms I'm still very loved. But I believe it is also important that I mention I as a sub, have just as much responsibility in my role in the relationship. I fulfill need My Daddy has too. It's very ebb and flow.  

Edited April 5, 2022 by Bumbl3B33

[lunabearr]

Because I agree with the opinions already shared here, I will simply add another tidbit that I believe when I think of Dominance. Simply put, trust, respect, honesty, and communication are the most important parts of a dynamic. And lastly: Domination, like submission, is earned, and not to be expected. Too often do I see the case for both.

 

Thank you for starting this amazing topic! I think this is a fantastic discussion to have ♡

[DaddyDomination]

I think it's best to lead by example. As any leader should. Once you've earned each others trust, there's few things you can't achieve together. Too many just view D/s as just a sex kink, and not a relationship. I believe it's far more Intense than outside of the lifestyle relations which can be mind blowing when it works, and catastrophic when it fails. 

Some personal guidelines I hold Myself to. 

1. Protect My little. In all ways. I don't mean lock her in a glass box, but help her to be a little street wise know what to look for warning signs of trouble. 

2. Teach her, In every way shape or form to improve her life, sexuality, safety. If she's not a good swimmer she will be, never been in a fight? She'll learn to defend herself. Professionally - I'll help her prepare for scholarship / job interviews, promotions.  

3. Listen to My girl. It's not enough to just say, you can come to Me anytime. A good Dominant will mostly know what to look for, when she's scared, needs to talk, or has concerns. "Nothings wrong" Is the kiss of death. It usually means something is definitely wrong. 

4. Care for my girl. Prove by My actions not words, I am there for her. Hold her when she needs it. Find ways to keep things interesting for us both. Guide her, without being a tyrant. 

 

Depending how much experience she has, My main aim is self improvement for us both and to teach her how to be self sufficient enough to survive if something should happen to Me. To know what red flags to look for, avoiding predatory abusers. 

[halkyone]

Dominance is taking care of your submissive even when they are sick or having a bad day.

what do you mean by that "even" here? Isn't it normal to take care of your partner when they're sick or having a bad day in general, period? genuinely confused

[ktownDaddy]

Hello All,

 

Thank you so much for the positive feedback and adding your own thoughts to this post. I take a great deal of pride in what I do and wear that Daddy badge proudly. It’s very nice to see so many people joining the conversation and adding additional points to what I mentioned.

 

If I have learned anything in my years of being a Daddy, it’s that I am not perfect and that’s okay. It’s when you feel or have the impression that you are perfect and have nothing to learn that you are in trouble. I wish this train of though could be grasped by the wonderful individuals who we chose to share our lives with as well. The life blood to who we are. I have heard so many time “I an not perfect, I need to do better, I am not worthy” - none of our perfect but hopefully with the great point that @DaddyDomination mention we can be perfect together.

 

I would like to give a shout out to two people who helped me. They are not on this page but I still feel they are worthy of mention. My good friend Jay who was my mentor, when I was young and thought I new everything. A wise man who taught me that you can learn more from watching and listening than actually opening your mouth. I miss you Buddy - rest easy my friend.

 

The second is Heidi a Lesbian Domme who taught me that the bravado of the male dominance can at times be very intimidating for a new sub/little. She was the “mistress” of what I call soft dominance and taught me a great deal about a females view of the dynamic. I still embrace and remember her teachings and thoughts. Her verbal, praise, direction and interactions were remarkable.

 

I want to thank you all for all your input and sharing the post. I hope others find these words contributed by us all beneficial.

 

Satan, K&S, BB and LunaBear - thank you, thank you!

 

Its great to have a platform like this, I wish a resource like this was available when I was in my 20’s as it would have made my life so much easier and cleared up many of the misconceptions I had about who a dominant is supposed to be.

 

Have a great day everyone!

 

Much luv Drew.

[Guest Zyphurex]

I find the best way to define dominance is through defining submission.

 

I see submission, at its truest essence, the purest form of freedom.

 

To submit is to relinquish uncertainty and relish in existing. You need not worry about yesterday. You need not worry about today nor tomorrow. A blissful existence where one is fulfilled emotionally, intellectually, physically, sexually, and spiritually. 

Dominance is providing that existence via submission.

 

There's a profound level of respect and admiration developed through someone's submittal. Fulfilling a dominant's desire to lead is not taken lightly. A secure man with ego in check will take that power and uplift.

 

However, a frail man, weighted down by insecurities, will use that power as a substitute for all their shortcomings.

 

A frail man sees dominance as a way to trap.

 

A secure man sees dominance as a way to free.

 

 

I suppose both dominance and submission are subjective but this is my perspective written in as few words as possible. Certainly it's a topic that goes far deeper than written.

[Guest LAM]

I see (as someone who is prone to submission) Dominance in a male (specifically) as something you can't really see at all. They earn respect, (earn is important here) they know what they want, who they are (to an extent) and can safely take and manage the reins of a person or situation. My first and Last Dom had my respect and admiration. He could lead, he had patience, he was self assured, authentic, and was a very very good teacher. A Leader. 

Could go on and on. Honestly dominance shows itself in different ways, but if it's there it's unmistakable. Just like submission. 

[Alonetogth3r]

On 4/5/2022 at 8:19 AM, DaddyDomination said:

3. Listen to My girl. It's not enough to just say, you can come to Me anytime. A good Dominant will mostly know what to look for, when she's scared, needs to talk, or has concerns. "Nothings wrong" Is the kiss of death. It usually means something is definitely wrong. 

4. Care for my girl. Prove by My actions not words, I am there for her. Hold her when she needs it. Find ways to keep things interesting for us both. Guide her, without being a tyrant. 

This approach is 100% what allows me to give myself fully within the dynamic. Even though I communicate well and am pretty outspoken, littlespace is a different beast that requires reading your person at a much higher level. So having an intuitive daddy, and one who takes initiative to provide guidance, is the dream 💌

[Lullaby]

On 4/4/2022 at 2:19 PM, ktownDaddy said:

The word Dominant comes from the Latin Word “Domanari” it refers to “a ruler” or “ of government power”

The etymology goes even deeper.  The root word of dominari is 'domus:' house or home.  So the title directly relates to a space for the family.  A quick search reveals that 'domus' comes from the earlier Proto-Indo-European word 'domanos:' to build the home. 

So the foundational concept isn't ruling.  It's the creation of a refuge where loved ones can be safe. 

Duty comes first.