CONSTRUCTIVE criticism wanted.

[MissChrissy]

Tell Daddy Whay You Want

 

"Tell me what you want, Princess."
 

"I don't know.” I reply.
 

"Tell me what you want.” he patiently repeats.
 

"I want more."
 

"More of what?” he takes my hand and sets me on his lap. “Tell Daddy."
 

"I don't know what all I want. I just know I want more.
Just more; that there is something missing."
 

“You are not happy with what you have had, before, with others?"
 

"I have not been unhappy, I suppose. I just feel like there is more...more to me and being really happy."
 

"You need only tell Daddy. Tell me what you need and I will always do what I can to make sure you have it."
 

"I need to know what it is that I need; what is missing. I don't know, so I can't ask for it."
 

 

"Do you trust me, Princess? Do you know I love you?"
 

"Yes, Daddy."
 

"Then, My Darling Little Girl, I will guide you. You will hold tight to my hand and I will show you all the choices that you have. There are so many choices; so many things to discover. There is more of you, more to you, than you can possibly imagine."
 

"Oh, I do trust you, Daddy, but I am still a little afraid."
 

"That is okay, Princess. It is normal. Decide it is nervous excitement. I want you to be happy in what we do and I want you become all you want to be. I will always protect you."
 

"Thank you for being MY Daddy. Thank you for loving me."
 

"I am. I do. I always will."

 

“Daddy knows best, Princess.” He easily maneuvers me on his lap; pulling me to face and straddle him. He reaches around me secures me on my perch by cradling my buttocks with his big hands. His hands warm and firm; unyielding, but likewise gentle.
His voice, when he speaks next, is as stern as it is velvety soft.
“Daddy knows ALL and has NO limits concerning what he will discover for you, with you, and EXPOSE  to his Sweetest Princess. Daddy's strength of soul will shine light into the darkest twisted recesses of your desires, ESPECIALLY those you don’t even know you have.”

One of his hands leaves my bottom and comes up to push my hair from my face. He then takes my chin in his strong fingers and pulls my head up so there is no escaping his intense gaze.
 

“Ah, My Princess, My queen, Daddy will gently set your cute Tierra on the bureau of your mind. Then you will have to overcome your fear. You will do this by filling yourself with nothing but your trust in me and remembering you desire to discover what is hidden. Can you do that?”

A chill ran up my spine and I felt the hair, at my nape, stand up. It was frightening and thrilling. I could only nod.

Daddy smiled a small smile. “Good.” He said and I felt his fingers pinch into my chin and his face came even closer. Now, when he spoke, his voice was low and husky. “Very Good Girl; for you will need that courage when you see Daddy’s eyes blacken and roll white, as a shark to feed.” I felt his other hand, which had been cupping one of my ass cheeks, move and come up to roughly encase one of my breast. I winced as he pinched my nipple.

“Yes, feel the intensity as Daddy claims and feeds on you and your desire to explore....  savagely raking convention and trepidation from your flesh.” He buried his face into my neck and sensation blasted through me as I felt his teeth rake across my collar bone. His breath was hot and moist as he raised his mouth close to my ear.

“I will reduce you to a heap of femininity with my unceasing pillage of what you perceive to be your limits of knowledge and reserve. Then, later, after your breath returns, your heart slows, and your skin begins to cool, you will rise and feel the strength and pride in knowing things about yourself that, before, you could not  even have imagined!”

The gravity of his words and what mental images I could create were both terrifying and exhilarating and I felt my body react as it had never before. Daddy felt it to, for my nipple was like a pebble between his fingers and my breath was coming fast against the back of his neck.

He raised his head and smiled, again; the softness returning to his eyes. His hands retreated and his arms wrapped tight around me. “Yes, Little One, that is it. Allow your body and your instinct to drown your fear. Allow your trust in me to free you from worry or guilt of your actions. “

He, once again, took my chin, softy, in his hand and then lowered his head to kiss my cheek.

“You are such a strong and brave girl! I am so proud of you! But, enough, until I know you are truly ready. I know that thoughts of my words will dance in your head and that is enough for now.”

He gently pushed me off his lap as he stood and pushed the chair back under the table. I could only stand there; feeling like someone had just taken away my blanky. “But, Daddy, when will I be ready?”

He looked down at me and almost laughed at the look of disappointment on my face.

He walked to the doorway, but before leaving me, he turned and looked at me, over his shoulder.

“You will be ready when you, alone, decide so, My Love.  When you have made that decision, you will come to me and ask me to take you as you have never and will never again be taken. Consider it, carefully, Princess, for I have every intention of changing you, forever.”

[Guest Cas-the-kitten]

I really like it. Intriguing text and a nice flow to the story. 

Now, this may just be a character choice for you, in which case that's fine, but I notice you avoided using contractions most of the time in your dialogue. "I am, you are, have not", if this is not a character choice, you may want to consider changing some, if not all of these instances (in the dialogue at least) to contractions, "I'm, you're, haven't". I suggest this because normally people use contractions when speaking. You may also want to just go over all the dialogue and keep the thought "would someone really speak like this?" in your head. It helps to soften dialogue. I have to go through and change my dialogue a dozen times before I find that it sounds natural.

Another thing I want to make you aware of, is the metaphor you use for the daddy, "...for you will need that courage when you see Daddy’s eyes blacken and roll white, as a shark to feed." This is pretty intense, like it almost made me uncomfortable, and if that's what you're going for, a sense of uncomfort and adrenaline, definitely keep it, if not, you may want to find a softer metaphor. 

The last thing is I think there may be a continuity error you're story says "...and my breath was coming fast against the back of his neck." but I thought she was sitting facing him? She cant breathe on the back of his neck if she is.

I liked it a lot (: I'd like to see more of your stuff sometime if you have any! Keep working!

[Michaelcycles]

I'm going to disagree with Cas. When speaking to a child, I seldom will use contractions. A lot of little words that leave no room for confusion are better than shortening pairs of words for your own convenience. I will also eschew contractions when explaining myself fir the second-plus time to an adult.

 

Also, in your criticism of continuity, you mention that there is no way that 'her' breath could be on the back of 'his' neck if she is facing him. Have you ever buried your face in another's neck? Or held them so close that that you could see the back of their head? It's no mean feat for your breath to wash over the back of their neck.

[Guest Cas-the-kitten]

You're very right! That's why I mentioned if it was character choice they need not change it at all. 

You are, also right about the breath on the back of his neck. I has missed the fact that they were in an embrace during this time. Completely my mistake!

[MissChrissy]

Hello.

I do so appreciate the feed back!

I agree about contractions and casual speech. I choose not to use them as this is not a casual conversation. It was meant to be intense and everyone of the Daddy's words were very intentional.

As for the "shark metaphor", I am, actually glad that it did, indeed cause some discomfort. I very much wanted to show the contrast between THIS Daddy's Caregiver side and his sexual side. That is, of course not to throw down a blanket personality type for all Daddies; just this one.

The fact that she (Princess) reacted with both apprehension and excitement was a liberty I took in that I fashioned the character after myself.

Oh, and thank you, Michaelcycles, for catching the fact that his face was nuzzled in her neck when she breathed across the back of his. I hate asking for criticism and then turning to defend against it.