Thoughts on life, love, ddlg, and accepting one’s self

[ForeverFluffy]

This is going to be a retrospective post on my experiences. TW: mentions of toxic relationships

 

I was introduced to ddlg at the age of 17. My then abusive ex saw my natural tendencies towards regression and submission and sought to mold me into his idea of a perfect sub. While the experiences I had with him were painful and in no way shape or form what ddlg should be, I’m thankful that I was introduced to a wonderful community.

After that relationship, I had a few other experiences with partners who pushed boundaries and showed me little respect. I was 19 and naive. But I will forever be grateful for those experiences. They taught me what healthy relationships and healthy kink was NOT supposed to be.

Taking a break from relationships, I worked on myself in therapy and learned to establish and defend boundaries. I found my identity. I worked on developing love for myself and all my various aspects. I embraced parts of me that I repressed out of fear or self loathing. More than that, I worked to open up my heart. I learned to cultivate friendship, I fell in love, I got married to my best friend. And I’m now at a point in my life where I live my truth. Like anyone else, I’m always learning and always changing. But I’ve learned to appreciate the changes.

I’m no longer the naive enby little I was. I’m wiser. I’m stronger. I’m switchier, too. And so much more experienced. While my primary relationship isn’t ddlg, it is loving and kinky and awesome. Ddlg is still something I enjoy and want, but it isn’t the end all be all. It’s just a fun activity for me. Who knows? Maybe my future secondary relationship will feature that. Maybe it won’t. And that’s okay.

Life ebbs and flows. And you change with it. The currents, the storms, the calms, the cascades. It all changes you. It’s okay to not know what comes next. It’s okay to change. And it’s okay to grow.

[Guest DomfromNSW]

Wise words! Well said. Thankyou for sharing

[DaddyDomination]

Glad to see you're learning and growing from bad experience. People who don't learn from the bad ones, are doomed to repeat them. Doesn't matter which side you're on, love yourself to never settle for an abuser. 

 

There's a lot of emotional Black holes in this world. Even outside of D/s DDlg. Nothing and no one can fill their void and they can be emotionally and physically dangerous to people that get sucked in. 

[BohoDepressoBabe]

I'm proud of you for doing the hard work needed to learn how to accept yourself and set healthy boundaries! If you don't mind me asking, did you share specifics with your therapist about DDLG or did you keep it vague? I'm curious bc when I start seeing a therapist again, I want to talk about it but I'm so nervous!! Any advice or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

[ForeverFluffy]

Glad to see you're learning and growing from bad experience. People who don't learn from the bad ones, are doomed to repeat them. Doesn't matter which side you're on, love yourself to never settle for an abuser. 

 

There's a lot of emotional Black holes in this world. Even outside of D/s DDlg. Nothing and no one can fill their void and they can be emotionally and physically dangerous to people that get sucked in.

 

I completely agree. When it happened at the time, I didn’t realize that I was repeating patterns. But after years of therapy and having a loving relationship, I broke those patterns and got healthier. I’m always seeking to get better not just for my spouse, but for myself. I deserve better than to be under someone’s thumb and used (in a totally lot cool and kinky way). I deserve to be happy. So I’m working towards that.

 

I'm proud of you for doing the hard work needed to learn how to accept yourself and set healthy boundaries! If you don't mind me asking, did you share specifics with your therapist about DDLG or did you keep it vague? I'm curious bc when I start seeing a therapist again, I want to talk about it but I'm so nervous!! Any advice or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

I didn’t talk about ddlg in therapy because my therapist wasn’t kink affirming. But there are plenty who are! However, I’ve talked about intimacy, sexual experiences, and my own relationship with sexuality and sex. It’s really helpful. Sometimes we internalize ideas that are harmful to us in regards to sex. I recently identified one! And doing so allowed me to engage better. Big takeaway: “Sex is vulnerability and trust in a relationship. But it is not reductive nor does it fundamentally change who you are. You do not lose yourself. You are whole.”

[BohoDepressoBabe]

I completely agree. When it happened at the time, I didn’t realize that I was repeating patterns. But after years of therapy and having a loving relationship, I broke those patterns and got healthier. I’m always seeking to get better not just for my spouse, but for myself. I deserve better than to be under someone’s thumb and used (in a totally lot cool and kinky way). I deserve to be happy. So I’m working towards that.

 

 

I didn’t talk about ddlg in therapy because my therapist wasn’t kink affirming. But there are plenty who are! However, I’ve talked about intimacy, sexual experiences, and my own relationship with sexuality and sex. It’s really helpful. Sometimes we internalize ideas that are harmful to us in regards to sex. I recently identified one! And doing so allowed me to engage better. Big takeaway: “Sex is vulnerability and trust in a relationship. But it is not reductive nor does it fundamentally change who you are. You do not lose yourself. You are whole.”

 

That's good to know, thank you! When I start looking for a therapist, I'm definitely going to try to find one that is kink-affirming. I think that would be best for me because I need to be able to talk freely about it and get genuine feedback on it. I'm glad that you were able to find someone that was so helpful though!!