Poly/Mono and DDLG

[LittleKitty666]

Content warnings: There is going to be talk about polyamory and relationships.

 

So I am both poly and mono but closed poly. How that kinda works is it depends on my partner like he is mono and I'm perfectly fine with it and he's fine with me being both but I had recently brought up how I have started to develop feelings for 2-3 different guys but am still fully in love with him and he had said that he is fine with that happening as long as I don't act on anything. But Idk if I want to stay monogamous I've always wanted to try closed polyamory again after not having some good relationships in the past. But idk how to bring this up without this possibly hurting his feelings or the relationship. But I see happy polyamorous relationships on social media websites and realized how much I want to be in a closed polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend/cg but idk if I would ever be able to experience a good polyamorous relationship. If anybody could give me any insight on this and help me figure out how to bring this up to him would be amazing.

[~LittleVixen~]

Is he mono? If so he will never understand and emotionally accept your wanting to pursue other relationships. I have tried this situation and it didn’t work. IMO the mono-male ego is too fragile to consider other partners as their equal, and not as their enemy who must be conquered.

 

To be fair, I am a solo polyam person, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that mono men (regardless of their promises) are not emotionally ready for my relationship style. This is not to mean that they are lacking anything, just that they haven’t had time to dig down deep and consider their cultural ideas of relationships.

 

My Daddy has been supporting my other relationships for almost 2 years now. On occasion he will share that he is struggling with anxiety and jealousy, but always with the intent of “Help me! I don’t want to feel this way!”

 

I have sooooooo much grace for that. Anything less than this attitude is not acceptable to me. I am an independent woman who is quite capable of choosing her own relationships. I’m a little older than the average BG but with my age comes an inability to tolerate bullshit, lol! I would rather be w/o a partner than one who didn’t understand and honor my autonomy.

Edited January 24, 2022 by ~LittleVixen~

[BrassyBabyGirl]

I would just caution do not take people portraying their lives on social media at face value. We have no idea what is really happening after a post is sent or a live feed ends. I am in a mono relationship with Daddy. We have a long history and before have been in a non-ddlg poly relationship. I have had to come to grips with his transition to wanting to be mono. I had to decide if that was something I wanted to accept. A partner has the right to have all the info on the table to see if it is something they want. I hope it all works out.

[LittleKitty666]

Is he mono? If so he will never understand and emotionally accept your wanting to pursue other relationships. I have tried this situation and it didn’t work. IMO the mono-male ego is too fragile to consider other partners as their equal, and not as their enemy who must be conquered.

 

To be fair, I am a solo polyam person, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that mono men (regardless of their promises) are not emotionally ready for my relationship style. This is not to mean that they are lacking anything, just that they haven’t had time to dig down deep and consider their cultural ideas of relationships.

 

My Daddy has been supporting my other relationships for almost 2 years now. On occasion he will share that he is struggling with anxiety and jealousy, but always with the intent of “Help me! I don’t want to feel this way!”

 

I have sooooooo much grace for that. Anything less than this attitude is not acceptable to me. I am an independent woman who is quite capable of choosing her own relationships. I’m a little older than the average BG but with my age comes an inability to tolerate bullshit, lol! I would rather be w/o a partner than one who didn’t understand and honor my autonomy.

He is completely mono and I brought up how I was typing something to get help about something on a forum and I was forced to tell him when I wasn't ready to tell him about it. He told me at the end that it worries him everytime I bring up the poly thing that I worry him that I'm going to leave him. And when I asked him if he knew what polyamory meant he said no so I explained it to him and he told me that he wants me to put my poly ways behind me and then gave me two options which were "Either I have him and only him or I don't have him and I'm in a poly relationship" but I want to be in a poly relationship with him but I now know that I can't have it with him so I'm just more confused on what to do.

[~LittleVixen~]

He is completely mono and I brought up how I was typing something to get help about something on a forum and I was forced to tell him when I wasn't ready to tell him about it. He told me at the end that it worries him everytime I bring up the poly thing that I worry him that I'm going to leave him. And when I asked him if he knew what polyamory meant he said no so I explained it to him and he told me that he wants me to put my poly ways behind me and then gave me two options which were "Either I have him and only him or I don't have him and I'm in a poly relationship" but I want to be in a poly relationship with him but I now know that I can't have it with him so I'm just more confused on what to do.

 

Oh that's so sad and I'm so sorry for you. You honestly can't change yourself for him, you will end up resenting him. That has been a lingering fear of mine, that either myself or Daddy will decide they are done with the poly relationship style. I don't know how it would possibly work. 

 

I think you're going to have to decide what you're willing to give up for him and what you're not. One good question to ask yourself (that I heard on a podcast) is, "Am I willing to put up with [this thing/issue] for the rest of our relationship?"

[LittleKitty666]

Oh that's so sad and I'm so sorry for you. You honestly can't change yourself for him, you will end up resenting him. That has been a lingering fear of mine, that either myself or Daddy will decide they are done with the poly relationship style. I don't know how it would possibly work. 

 

I think you're going to have to decide what you're willing to give up for him and what you're not. One good question to ask yourself (that I heard on a podcast) is, "Am I willing to put up with [this thing/issue] for the rest of our relationship?"

The thing is that he is the best relationship I've been in ever and I don't want to end it but idk how to change me being poly or not feel the way I feel about wanting to be on a poly relationship or hanging crushes and not feel like a terrible person when certain thoughts go into my head when I talk to said person or not get feelings for them

[Little kaiya]

You can't really change something fundamental about yourself like your relationship style. Getting a crush on someone or having thoughts is one thing and shouldn't really be a source of guilt but acting on them is different.

 

Sadly, just because you love someone doesn't mean they're the right person for you. And sometimes that love means recognizing a fundamental incompatibility and letting both them and you go and find someone compatible.