Did I over react?

[CuriousRed89]

Did I way over react or react like a normal little? Lol. Here's the story.

 

This was my first ddlg relationship so I'm still learning as I go. Me and my Daddy were together for just over a month but feelings grew fast. We talked every single day and would video when we could. One day we were having an intimate conversation and he stopped responding. So after hours of not hearing from him when he normally would have text me I started to panic and worry that something happened. So I text him several more times and he still never responded. I'm over here crying through out the day and crying myself to sleep because I had had a rough day and really needed my Daddy and I was worried about him. A day and a half later he finally texts me back and says he's fine that he just wasn't in yesterday. So I kinda flip on him and tell him I'm pissed at him. And haven't talked to him since. He acted like it was no big deal and I wasn't sitting here worried sick about him.

 

My thinking is his feelings have obviously changed about me if he can just stop talking in mid conversation and go a day and a half without talking to me or even just a simple I'm extremely busy talk tomorrow kind of text. But I didn't get anything.

 

So how badly did I over react? Lol

[Alaskan Daddy]

Hi

I don't think you overreacted at all. All he had to do was send you a simple message, especially since you were in mid-conversation. Do you feel he is being truthful with you about his life?

[D&Daddy]

I agree with Alaskan Daddy more or less. I think an argument could be made that being that deeply entrenched in feelings after just over a month has a potential for danger and/or hurt since you probably don't know each other all that well really (I'm just assuming here, maybe you've been talking for a long time before you decided to jump into being little and daddy).

 

Regardless though it's not right for him to disappear for a day and a half without some warning.

It was mid conversation so unless he had an emergency and had to disappear then there's no reason for him to not at least say 'oh I'm going out now, I'll message you this evening/tomorrow' or something to at least set your mind at ease. Even if it was an emergency, depending on what it was, you would expect he could find some time to text you between it all (unless he got hospitalized or something).

 

Have you told him you were worried sick about him? If so and he's acting like it's no big deal that tells me he doesn't have strong feelings for you the way you seem to about him. If you haven't told him then why haven't you?

 

As for resolution, not talking to him is not going to do anyone any good though. You need to approach him as an adult and tell him how you're feeling and what your expectations are (e.g. If you're going out for the day please just let me know so I'm not worrying about where you are). Then based on that conversation you can decide on where you go from there.

[Vampiress]

I didn't think you overreacted. If it was an emergency you could make an exception, but it doesn't sound like he communicated it was an emergency to you when he finally came back. It's highly irregular to just stop talking mid-conversation and disappear that long. If someone cares about you they'll find a way to make time for you, and all he had to do was take a few seconds out of his day to let you know what was going. I'd say he was in the wrong and pretty rude about it.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

That's odd. Do you think he got triggered by something in the conversation you were having? If it was out of character for him, and he was vague in his explanation, it would cause me to think there's more to the story and he's not being entirely open with you about something.

 

Did you tell him why you were pissed? I assume you did. I think that was a very valid reason to be upset. If he acted dismissive about the whole thing, that's really the worst way of handling things cuz relationships require empathy, understanding and transparency. I think things could've been fixed if he was more open and apologetic about the whole thing. I'm not sure what's really going on with him, but I kind of doubt it was just the excuse he gave, unless that is his normal pattern, which I doubt since you were so worried about him.

 

To answer your question, I don't think you overreacted. I think he severely underreacted and isn't being entirely open about something. Just a guess though. I'm sorry that happened. I know how upsetting that is.

[CuriousRed89]

Hi

I don't think you overreacted at all. All he had to do was send you a simple message, especially since you were in mid-conversation. Do you feel he is being truthful with you about his life?

I don't know anymore. I thought he was.

[PapaGrayWolf]

Maybe you did over react, and maybe not.  Were his actions (or lack of them) an anomaly or a pattern?  Once is not a pattern but time would tell.

[CuriousRed89]

I agree with Alaskan Daddy more or less. I think an argument could be made that being that deeply entrenched in feelings after just over a month has a potential for danger and/or hurt since you probably don't know each other all that well really (I'm just assuming here, maybe you've been talking for a long time before you decided to jump into being little and daddy).

 

Regardless though it's not right for him to disappear for a day and a half without some warning.

It was mid conversation so unless he had an emergency and had to disappear then there's no reason for him to not at least say 'oh I'm going out now, I'll message you this evening/tomorrow' or something to at least set your mind at ease. Even if it was an emergency, depending on what it was, you would expect he could find some time to text you between it all (unless he got hospitalized or something).

 

Have you told him you were worried sick about him? If so and he's acting like it's no big deal that tells me he doesn't have strong feelings for you the way you seem to about him. If you haven't told him then why haven't you?

 

As for resolution, not talking to him is not going to do anyone any good though. You need to approach him as an adult and tell him how you're feeling and what your expectations are (e.g. If you're going out for the day please just let me know so I'm not worrying about where you are). Then based on that conversation you can decide on where you go from there.

We have only known each other for just over a month. So I agree we don't know nearly enough about each other by this point. But he does know that I worry about him even when we talk all day. Lol.

 

That was my thinking too. It would have taken like 30 seconds to send a quick text just letting me know what was going on and that he was OK.

 

Yes in one of the several texts I sent him I told him I was starting to really worry and freak out and to just let me know he was ok. But I know he never even checked any of my messages even knowing that I sent him several.

 

I know not talking wasn't good either. But I was to emotional with relief that he really was ok and then being even more pissed off because he really just didn't text me. I needed time to think and even out my emotions.

[CuriousRed89]

That's odd. Do you think he got triggered by something in the conversation you were having? If it was out of character for him, and he was vague in his explanation, it would cause me to think there's more to the story and he's not being entirely open with you about something.

Did you tell him why you were pissed? I assume you did. I think that was a very valid reason to be upset. If he acted dismissive about the whole thing, that's really the worst way of handling things cuz relationships require empathy, understanding and transparency. I think things could've been fixed if he was more open and apologetic about the whole thing. I'm not sure what's really going on with him, but I kind of doubt it was just the excuse he gave, unless that is his normal pattern, which I doubt since you were so worried about him.

To answer your question, I don't think you overreacted. I think he severely underreacted and isn't being entirely open about something. Just a guess though. I'm sorry that happened. I know how upsetting that is.

He said he had to leave and go somewhere. He's busy and sometimes can't talk for a couple hours and I get that but he always texts me good morning so when I didn't even get that it really made me start to wonder and worry.

 

Yup. I told him that I was worried and he knows that I worry about him even when he is texting me throughout the day.

[CuriousRed89]

Maybe you did over react, and maybe not.  Were his actions (or lack of them) an anomaly or a pattern?  Once is not a pattern but time would tell.

I guess I probably could have not gotten as pissed at him. Lol

 

This was the first time he had gone that long without texting me. Even when he's busy with work and stuff he always texts me in the morning and at least a couple times throughout the day.

[PapaGrayWolf]

You have to decide whether the relationship is worth a second chance or not.  That's strictly your decision and not every person who errs is worth a second chance.  I'm not suggesting that he isn't worth a second chance, just that only you can make that decision.

[Guest Animetheemo]

Hey! I am a student in psychology and while I am just a student (NOT PSYCHOLOGIST FOR ANOTHER 5 MONTHS) I have somethings that might help give you some perspective.

 

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, you need reassurance constantly and consistently and you are always reaching out for your partner which can cause some issues as sometimes this attachment style reaches to far and to hard triggering something in their partners or invading on their boundaries. And it sounds like your partner has an avoidant attachment style where if things get too overwhelming for him and they usually do he will disappear without a trace to gather his thoughts and constantly be pushing away from you which can spark feelings of abandonment or like they don't care in their partners. This isn't a totally shocking dynamic as Anxious/Avoidant people always find themselves together, opposites attract, but I bring this up because attachment styles are learned behavior and they can be unlearned into a secure attachment style where you no longer feel the need to always chase and be with your partner and they will no longer feel the need to run away, but as all good things, this is hard work to do. It is reprogramming your brain to unlearn a behavior and then relearn a new one you most likely have never seen in your entire life. No easy task.  

 

Instead of having a conversation focused on this one incident that consists of "Im upset you left" and hell be like "It wasn't a big deal" you could try redirecting this conversation to setting and making new and different boundaries.

 

Here's some suggestions

 

-When your partner gets overwhelmed he is allowed to leave but must give you a time/date of when he will come back to talk about it again

 

-During the times he leaves you must have an activity to do to occupy your mind

(make a work bork, or list of different activites that include coloring, taking a nap, playing games anything to pass the time ext.)

 

-Agree to be Agreeable, this is not agreeing to disagree, Agreeing to be Agreeable means that you have to both be open to the others viewpoints and make a compromise, do not anbandon the situation or it will just pop up again later. Have those conversations and come to an agreement where you both are happy while realizing you will not get everything you want.

[CuriousRed89]

Hey! I am a student in psychology and while I am just a student (NOT PSYCHOLOGIST FOR ANOTHER 5 MONTHS) I have somethings that might help give you some perspective.

 

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, you need reassurance constantly and consistently and you are always reaching out for your partner which can cause some issues as sometimes this attachment style reaches to far and to hard triggering something in their partners or invading on their boundaries. And it sounds like your partner has an avoidant attachment style where if things get too overwhelming for him and they usually do he will disappear without a trace to gather his thoughts and constantly be pushing away from you which can spark feelings of abandonment or like they don't care in their partners. This isn't a totally shocking dynamic as Anxious/Avoidant people always find themselves together, opposites attract, but I bring this up because attachment styles are learned behavior and they can be unlearned into a secure attachment style where you no longer feel the need to always chase and be with your partner and they will no longer feel the need to run away, but as all good things, this is hard work to do. It is reprogramming your brain to unlearn a behavior and then relearn a new one you most likely have never seen in your entire life. No easy task.  

 

Instead of having a conversation focused on this one incident that consists of "Im upset you left" and hell be like "It wasn't a big deal" you could try redirecting this conversation to setting and making new and different boundaries.

 

Here's some suggestions

 

-When your partner gets overwhelmed he is allowed to leave but must give you a time/date of when he will come back to talk about it again

 

-During the times he leaves you must have an activity to do to occupy your mind

(make a work bork, or list of different activites that include coloring, taking a nap, playing games anything to pass the time ext.)

 

-Agree to be Agreeable, this is not agreeing to disagree, Agreeing to be Agreeable means that you have to both be open to the others viewpoints and make a compromise, do not anbandon the situation or it will just pop up again later. Have those conversations and come to an agreement where you both are happy while realizing you will not get everything you want.

Thanks. I can see where your coming from. I can deal with not talking to him for a day or whatever. I might not like it but I can do it. Lol. My big problem was that he didn't tell me so I was worried about him and that just made everything worse.

 

We talked about your comment so know I think we are on the same page and know what to do when he needs time or is really busy.

[~LittleVixen~]

Oh you could be really handy around here, lol!

 

And you also have the same opinion as I first had.

Hey! I am a student in psychology and while I am just a student (NOT PSYCHOLOGIST FOR ANOTHER 5 MONTHS) I have somethings that might help give you some perspective.

 

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, you need reassurance constantly and consistently and you are always reaching out for your partner which can cause some issues as sometimes this attachment style reaches to far and to hard triggering something in their partners or invading on their boundaries. And it sounds like your partner has an avoidant attachment style where if things get too overwhelming for him and they usually do he will disappear without a trace to gather his thoughts and constantly be pushing away from you which can spark feelings of abandonment or like they don't care in their partners. This isn't a totally shocking dynamic as Anxious/Avoidant people always find themselves together, opposites attract, but I bring this up because attachment styles are learned behavior and they can be unlearned into a secure attachment style where you no longer feel the need to always chase and be with your partner and they will no longer feel the need to run away, but as all good things, this is hard work to do. It is reprogramming your brain to unlearn a behavior and then relearn a new one you most likely have never seen in your entire life. No easy task.  

 

Instead of having a conversation focused on this one incident that consists of "Im upset you left" and hell be like "It wasn't a big deal" you could try redirecting this conversation to setting and making new and different boundaries.

 

Here's some suggestions

 

-When your partner gets overwhelmed he is allowed to leave but must give you a time/date of when he will come back to talk about it again

 

-During the times he leaves you must have an activity to do to occupy your mind

(make a work bork, or list of different activites that include coloring, taking a nap, playing games anything to pass the time ext.)

 

-Agree to be Agreeable, this is not agreeing to disagree, Agreeing to be Agreeable means that you have to both be open to the others viewpoints and make a compromise, do not anbandon the situation or it will just pop up again later. Have those conversations and come to an agreement where you both are happy while realizing you will not get everything you want.

 

CuriousRed, I also have abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style (I've been learning all about this over the last year) so these sort of situations also freak me out. So I don't think you "over reacted"... you just REACTED. I think that was rude of him as well. If my Daddy did that I would have to work very, very hard and use allllll of my therapy skills to not become irrational. If you decide to continue this relationship he should know that this is something you struggle with and some simple rules would help both of you. It's totally fine if he needs a break from communicating, but that needs to be conveyed BEFORE he disappears.

[CuriousRed89]

Oh you could be really handy around here, lol!

 

And you also have the same opinion as I first had.

 

 

CuriousRed, I also have abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style (I've been learning all about this over the last year) so these sort of situations also freak me out. So I don't think you "over reacted"... you just REACTED. I think that was rude of him as well. If my Daddy did that I would have to work very, very hard and use allllll of my therapy skills to not become irrational. If you decide to continue this relationship he should know that this is something you struggle with and some simple rules would help both of you. It's totally fine if he needs a break from communicating, but that needs to be conveyed BEFORE he disappears.

That was definitely a learning experience for both of us. Lol. We have talked and I think we know how to handle those situations better next time.