Unsure how to proceed

[Mal]

Hi - I'm new here and I'm hoping someone may have some advice. My Daddy and I have been together for almost a year officially (but unofficially almost 2). Some context to our relationship - we're long distance, we have an age gap with me being a fair bit older than him and while I've been married, divorced and had a few partners, this is his first serious relationship (though my relationships were always vanilla. This is my first foray into any kind of dynamic)

 

When we started getting involved, it was as FWB only. We never had a sit down discussion about our dynamic, but rather just fell into it. I'm very submissive, he's more dominant so it was a natural progression once I mentioned being interested in DDlg. In the beginning he was really on the ball with rules/rewards/punishments and I loved it but as we've become more and more settled in our relationship, that has waned a bit. Recently he made some jokes that kind of set off my anxiety and I feel a bit lost. 

 

I explicitly asked him to make me go to bed at a reasonable time this week, as I had to go back to work after some time off and had been staying up way too late during vacay. He did not on Monday night, and I called him out on it as I got into bed at 3:40AM, saying "that's what Daddies are for - to help me be responsible". He responded that he thought Daddy was there for *sexual innuendo*. This really threw me for a loop and made me worry he did not want this dynamic outside of the bedroom. 

 

We had a couple lengthy talks about it yesterday and he apologized for joking and making me think he wasn't into being Daddy full time. He insisted he did enjoy the dynamic and wasn't just participating because I enjoy it. He said he was a little at a loss as far as rules go, so I made some suggestions and things seemed ok. Until evening rolled around and, at what should have been bedtime, he started asking how tired I was and suggesting we work on an itinerary for our next visit. I got really bummed because again he was not willing to fully embrace the caregiver role and be firm with me. He once again apologized and put me to bed. I tried to tell him that if he doesn't want to do the discipline and this whole thing, that's ok - I'll be bummed because DDlg is extremely cathartic for me after trauma - but I'd live. He continues to insist he does want to, but his actions aren't really backing it up. 

 

I'm really not sure where to go from here. I don't want to keep pushing something if he's not feeling it - but he insists that he is. So do I try and send him resources and suggestions on how to better fill the role? Or do I step back and see if he's proactive and if not, take that as an answer? It's after 1pm and he hasn't checked on my eating or water consumption - two rules I specifically asked for, so I'm not really having high hopes at the moment. What's the point if I have to continually ask him to be on top of me? Any advice or insight from either end of the spectrum would be appreciated. Thanks <3 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Mal

[Guest idk10]

In my opinion I would suggest taking a step back for a moment see what he does for about a week or so and kinda go from there, Rules are something that do require a fair bit of effort to enforce etc, it could be his life is hectic right now and its making him forget certain things. After the week if rules aren't actually being enforced talk to him about it re-present the list and go over what he realistically sees himself as being consistently able to reinforce. 

As a little side note apologies are great! But if the behaviour they apologise for still continues it doesn't really count. if you do end up re-visiting your rules- highlight the need for change and I would perhaps touch on the fact that the inconsistency with enforcing rules is upsetting you.   

[Mal]

Thanks, I think stepping back for a week is a good idea. I have to just try and mitigate my disappointment because he can always tell when something is up. I know he's been sick lately but I wish, if that were the cause, that he would communicate and say "I want to do this for/with you but I'm not feeling up to it just now." At least then I would know it's temporary, instead of wondering if he's just telling me what I want to hear when he's not following through. 

[DaddyDomination]

A Daddy that cares will look out for his little.

I've tucked in women I wasn't even technically their Dom. We all need proper rest. 24 hours no sleep you are legally impaired for driving.

If you have sleep issues I have audio files that help with relaxation and sleep. Best sleep is with a blacked room with NO cellphone or computer near that is powered on. I usually place My cellphone in the other room I can still hear the alarm and anyone really important knows My landline which is very loud. 

 

[kawasaku]

I’ve had this issue with a partner, but there wasn’t much age gap; he was only two years younger than me. I felt our maturity levels were always in different places and our “sense of humor” could be a bit different. Often times he joked about things and I didn’t find them funny which led to many arguments. Similar to you he also didn’t know much about the DDLG dynamic outside the bedroom and had a hard time bringing it out into our everyday life.

 

If subtle hints, constant reminders, and serious talks aren’t solving the problem, it’s best to take a step back and look at everything as a whole and ask yourself the hard questions. Am I happy like this now? Will I still be happy like this in the future? Can I see him changing his habits and doing these things for me? Can he handle the responsibility and role of being my DD more than what he was used to? Is he taking me seriously or am I not being direct enough? Etc.

 

A suggestion I have for you is that you can give him some “homework”. If he is really serious in taking the relationship further and knows that means he will have to be a DD outside the bedroom and take on the responsibilities of a little, encourage him to research and learn about DDLG dynamics and D/s dynamics (as DDLG is a branch from) from GOOD sources. Those pink tumblr Google search images do not count. Have him learn up on these things and let him ease into finding his own “style”. You can give him an approximate deadline of when you’d like him to start implementing these changes. Let him know there will be consequences if he doesn’t follow through with his actions (such as ending the relationship/going back to how things were/etc). If he’s not ready to make these “sacrifices” in exchange for being your DD, it is time to ask more hard questions and think of what to do next.

[MilkyMommy]

Babe...he doesn't seem like much of a daddy at all. He just wants it to be a sexual thing, and that's NOT okay for a genuine little. Littles need a caregiver to...give care. Y'know? What he's doing isn't right.

 

So there's a couple options I can think of.

 

1. Find a platonic daddy (or mommy, or Nini/Baba/Zaza/etc for nonbinary CGs) who will fulfill that role for you.

 

2. Break up with him.

 

My opinion is that if he's treating something like this poorly...he's not a great partner. What he's doing is really not okay and it WILL leech into other things you find important that he DGAF about.

 

Good luck, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.