How much do you change for your partner?

[Guest UnicornPuff]

I have a history of trying to change myself too much for someone. I understand there must be a give-and-take in any relationship... But what if I feel like I'm the ONLY one expected to change? Changes that's are not necessarily in line with my natural personality and character?

 

Btw... This has taken place over 2 1/2 weeks of meeting on here.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Jayniepuff

[RavenclawPrincess]

Personally, I don't. I'm pretty unapologetic about being myself and I'm ok with not being everyone's cup of tea. If someone doesn't like me for me, that's not gonna work and I don't mind them moving on to look for someone that suits them better. That's just my personality though and I'm not particularly sensitive about parting ways with people when it's needed. 

 

Self improvement should always be on the agenda for everyone, but that doesn't line up with changing who you are to the extremes that you're talking about, and you shouldn't be the only person that strives to become the best version of themselves. I highly recommend knowing and loving yourself before entering into a relationship, that'll go a long way in helping you find someone that's genuinely compatible so you don't feel that pressure to change yourself in unnecessary ways. 

[Monsieur]

In my experience, relationships are based on compromises, as long as it doesn't change who you are in your core.

 

If you are the only one who is making the effort, then I'm afraid your relationship is not healthy.

 

I'd advise to talk to your partner, openly and above all: in a calm manner.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck

Edited December 11, 2021 by Monsieur

[Guest UnicornPuff]

Thanks you guys... Kinda confirms what I was already thinking

[baby_k]

Interesting topic. I think you naturally change because all new encounters and new ideas you face but to change specifically and on purpose? It sounds even rather odd unless it's a question of something that is hurtful or difficult for the other person.

 

I value a lot if my partner makes changes for me, and I sort fo see it as measure of them: if something is not working for me, are they trying to find some solution to make me feel better and more comfortable? And more importantly: do they care about my feelings?

 

That however doesn't mean that the solution is always that they change, more that the issues are discussed and possible solutions are layed on the table. Then based on reason and what is actually achievable, and feels good for both, the decisions are made.

 

If my partner needs me to change something because of valid reason, and it is not any importance to me, of course I would change it for it is important to me that they feel good and are happy. But if they wanted me to change something that is important to me, part of me or just difficult for me.... I'm not quite sure how I would react. I guess main thing is: they should focus on the problem and solving it, not some specific solution. And to me it sounds like you need to change based on specific solution instead of considering the problem, where it comes from and what different solution options there would be.

 

And when considering the options, you can also see if they are willing ot consider that THEY need to chnage instead of it automatically being you.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I would say it's dishonoring yourself to make changes that don't align with your heart or who you are. And it ultimately leads to resentment. Maybe figure out when or why this pattern started for you. People pleasing is a common thing people struggle with. Usually it's developed as a coping mechanism in childhood in response to some family dynamic.

 

We're taught that healthy relationships are all about compromise, but I disagree, because compromise usually boils down to a win-lose or lose-lose situation. But when you have true compatibility with someone, compromises aren't necessary because you both just naturally want the same or similar things cuz you're on the same wavelength. There are only win-win situations. I wouldn't settle for any less than this, because it makes for a very harmonious and fulfilling relationship. Compatibility is just finding someone who aligns with your own values. That being said, any changes that are made inside a compatible relationship are ones that you already wanted to do anyway.

 

You're not going to fit with everybody. Maybe not even most people. You're not meant to. Just keep being who you are and honor yourself and your own needs.

[plushprincess]

i think the above posts said a lot of true things and i agree.

 

when my bf and i were at the start of our relationship we had lots of work to do on my shy and sensitive and traumatized side.

 

we changed me, but in a consenting, growing way, that brought me forwards to who i aim to be. i think the most important thing here is to be confident in who you want to become. if you're not and meet the wrong people at the wrong times that can be quiet harming...

 

so please trust yourself and change only in ways that you truly want.

 

much luv <3

[Guest UnicornPuff]

Thank you so much everyone

[MintieSweetie]

Changing and compromising are different, if they are asking you or wanting you to change the deep stuff, the stuff that's who you are, then no. If they want you to change your attitude or perspective, then i think its okay to have a conversation and share each others sides, maybe you can learn stuff from them, and maybe see things differently, but dont change for others. 

[Pieplup]

Best thing to do is be yourself trying to change yourself for another person always ends up badly., eventually you guys are going to stop trying and realize you aren't right for each other. Try to find the person who you don't have to change for.

[Kitten&Spice]

You can always grow with someone but changing is something I don’t advise! I have seen and experienced trying to change to fit for someone. But in the end all the changing you do for that person ends up not being enough. They leave you with nothing more than a shadow of your former self. And it can take years to start picking out what was nothing more than a mask you wore and what was really you. Sometimes people never find themselves and live life searching for pieces they threw away long ago.

 

If you grow with someone they bring out the best parts of you! Things you do naturally or things you had to hide! It will offer security and a path in the right direction! Some people will help you find parts of yourself that you didn’t know you had but now you embrace! It took a long time friend, a festival, and a few other things to help me find the parts of myself that I had masked and pushed aside for so long. I would “change” to fit in and to feel wanted. Only to be left by the people who wanted me to do that change! Just know that people who care don’t expect you to change for them. They love you the way you are and adore the growth you may not ever realize you have!

 

I hope that you can find peace and know that you have perfect flaws! You don’t need to change into something you are not! And anyone who expects that from you is someone you need to run far away from! I hope that you can embrace parts that are forgotten and possibly dropped along the journey!

[emiuwu]

i don't change unless its something negatively affecting both us and i'm the cause. everyone deserves someone who accepts their flaws 

[Satan]

Changing bad habits is good but don’t change who you are as a person