advice? I don't seem to get on well with other littles

[piagnome9850]

So this is probably going to be quite jumbled, I'm sorry but I just don't know what to do. I got invited to join a cg/l discord server (which I won't name), which I did. I arrived and filled out all the introduction stuff they wanted, read the rules and started interacting with people. I got told I posted something inappropriate (called someone a pet name by accident) so I apologised privately and publicly to all involved, as well as posting on the mental health section in case I had accidentally triggered someone. I fully accept this mistake and realise how wrong and inappropriate it was and when I messaged the moderator to apologise I offered to leave if they thought it necessary. They did not, but reprimanded me for "making drama" and "making myself the victim". I was very confused by this and they said that I was over apologising and to just leave it. So I said I'd give the group space before I returned, which again was taken as making myself the victim, which was not at all my intention. 

I returned the next day and began interacting with members again (as they had said I could) but as soon as I did the conversation would stop until I didn't respond then continue. I then see that some of my messages have been deleted and I messaged the (same) mod to ask why. They said that I was again creating drama and that I was making myself the victim, which I was confused about because the message was "your outfit is so cute! I'm glad you can dress up!" 

I then said to the mod that I felt like they were trying to push me out of the group due to the conversation issue and my messages being deleted, and that if they wanted me to leave to say so. They responded by saying "we told you not to attention seek" and kicked me. I'm really confused by this, yes I made a mistake with the first incident mentioned, but I apologised both publicly and privately to all involved and they told me to move on so I did. What I don't understand is the seemingly retaliatory deleting of messages and conversation stopping (it would start in another chat that I currently wasn't talking in with the same conversation).

I just seem to not get on very well with littles because this is the result

I'm not going to try and get back in the group because I feel that they don't want me there and that it is just going to create drama.

I just need some perspective I guess cause I tried to do everything right and this is the result. I had read the rules 

Edited October 22, 2021 by piagnome9850

[Guest LittleElizabethBun]

...redacted... Edited November 19, 2021 by LittleElizabethBun

[piagnome9850]

I just tried so hard to be good and nice and I feel like it got thrown in my face. I told them that that's wasn't what I was doing but they didn't believe me

[MintieSweetie]

Lowkey wanna know what discord this is so I never have to come across such rude people 

[Little kaiya]

I cant speak to the deleting of messages and such but can explain why over apologizing is harmful. A good rule of thumb is if the apology takes more time than the error it then becomes an issue.

 

Being genderfluid I get misgendered a fair bit. If I correct someone about misgendering me and then they make a huge deal about the apology then now I have to reassure and care for them when they weren't the injured party, in effect they take one the role of the one who was harmed and become the victim.

 

Think of it like accidentally stepping on someone's foot. You'd apologize and move on, no big deal. The same goes for things like the mistake you made by wrongly using a pet name for someone when you shouldn't have done so.

Edited October 22, 2021 by Little kaiya

[Satan]

Oof that's rough. I used to have a big issue with over apologizing myself.

At this point all you can do it turn this into a learning experience and find a friendly spot to hang out. Kaiya had a very good point and example about how to not over apologizes, I totally agree with them.

[DaddysMonkey]

If it makes you feel even the slightest bit ever , a lot of this is really subjective. What one person sees as “over apologizing” might seem normal to someone else , or someone else might even appreciate the effort …. OR like Kaiya pointed out ; it can make the person who was originally offended the caretaker.

 

Something I’ve been learning to do , is simply saying sorry and following up with “what can I do to make the situation better for everyone?”

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like no matter what you did this group wasn’t going to be happy. It might sound harsh , but it’s just an opinion based on the story you told.. it sounds like you annoyed them and instead of being mature adults and telling you they didn’t want you in their group they tried to guilt you out and shun you out. They sound like fuckin bullies. It’s honestly not worth your time to surround yourself with people who can’t even have decent respect to just be like “you don’t fit in very well here , sorry.”

[LittlePupRune]

A lot of the others have given really good advice. But I'd also not think that that one group is a reflection of all CG/l spaces, if it helps you can chalk it up to it being an incompatible community with you and move on to find a community that fits you better.

[piagnome9850]

Thank you all for your advice, I know that that group was not a representation of the entire community and I honestly wasn’t trying to make the original person the caretaker, I apologised to them and left them alone, this was all between a mod and I. I’ll just be more careful in joining groups in the future because of this

[Vampiress]

What a weird way for them to handle it. Honestly, I think you're better off without that. Not good for people to jump to the worst possible conclusion like that and then aggressively start deleting things that were harmless. Sounds like a toxic group to me, and I'd stay far away from that server. 

[piagnome9850]

Vampiress, I agree with you, I just wish I’d never joined in the first place and I wouldn’t have if I’d known all this would happen.

[piagnome9850]

Also Kaiya, I do have a problem with anxiety and apologising, and I did put it in my introduction post (as they required) and I left the person involved alone, the only issues were between me and the mod. I appreciate the advice and I’m honestly trying to work on it but I wasn’t even speaking to the person involved, the mod contacted me and it just went downhill from there

[piagnome9850]

DaddysMonkeys I agree its really subjective, and to me it didn't seem over the top because I could've triggered people other than who was directly involved so I felt it was appropriate to apologise publicly, but I did so in the mental health chat so that if people didn't want to see it they didn't have to

[Guest Teasing Tink]

The way they handled it sounds like it created more drama than anything else as it's pretty passive aggressive to give someone the cold shoulder after they made a minor offense for which they apologized. The silent treatment is a form of emotional punishment/manipulation. You probably only felt the urge to over-apologize because you sensed the continued coldness/judgment and kept trying to smooth things over. But that never came which probably made you feel more awkward. It's impossible to please people like that though, because they'll just continue to project past pain onto you that has nothing to do with you. It's not personal, but it still sucks. Then when you sensed what was taking place, you decided to confront them with the issue directly by asking a question. Instead of owning that's what was happening (you becoming a pariah to the group), it sounds like they gaslighted/deflected by telling you you're playing the victim/attention-seeking. That's really emotionally invalidating and like saying their feelings are more important than yours. The self-righteous behavior is off-putting. And yeah, I would definitely leave any group that is judgmental like that or treats you in that way as you'll never feel accepted or a sense of warmth and belonging if your character is forever tainted after one small thing. Conflicts can really make or break relationships like that. They act as a test.

 

I think this is a pretty common experience in groups in general and wouldn't attribute it to any specific group. The more people there are, the more potential there is for there to be a clash at some point. Of course clashes are fine, so long as things aren't left on an awkward note after them which it sounds like was the case here. I think there's a real lack of grace, tolerance, compassion and understanding when someone makes a mistake these days -- big or small. But if you so much as suggest that to some people, it's just seen as playing the victim. It's why I tend to avoid groups like the plague unless I know/trust everyone involved intimately because I know I can't go beyond a surface level in them and I generally don't find small chit chat very fulfilling. But, I have social anxiety myself, so I'm probably not the best person to make you feel better about all of this. I'm just sorry you had a bad experience.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Teasing Tink