I don't know how to do titles (Rant?)

[Guest vixkitten]

I have no idea why I made this account. I just don't know. I don't even know why I'm making this post. I feel like I'm complaining for nothing when it's just my fault. I shouldn't have made the account. I shouldn't have made my post.

 

So I guess you can ignore this if you want. I'm might delete it (and this account) when I wake up anyway, just want to rant at how pathetic I am. Maybe. I really don't know. I don't want to because I really enjoy the community. But what's the point? I hate doing stuff like this. I don't like talking about my emotions. It always makes me feel guilty. 

 

Sorry before hand if this is not the right place to put this, it possibly being to long, and for the horrible grammar.

 

 

 

I want friends. I really really do, but for some fucking reason when ever it comes down to talking or to initiate talking, I freeze. I'm too stupid, awkward and/or anxious to do so. 

 

 

Earlier this year, out of loneliness, sadness and impulse, I made this account and posted a friend zone post. After doing so I immediately regretted my decision because a) the post was a fucking cringe filled mess that makes me want to vomit every time I think about it and I have not made friends (by myself) since second grade. Every friend that I have made, have been friends of friends and I have never been alone with them. I have always been the quite person in the friends group. Speaking rarely and never leading conversations. I have always been terribly introverted. Even with some close friends I get anxious. Two friends from high school that I talk to still, we won't talk for months and only contact when we want to play a game together. When we do, we'll play for hours for about two to three days in a row. That's just how it is and we've haven't had a problem with that.

 

Anyway, after my post many people have sent friend requests but I freeze when ever I see the notifications. I have talked to a couple of people but have stopped talking for about a month mostly due to sickness, college and life kicking my ass. However, after recovery, I can't bring myself to talk to them because I feel like they'll think its some other excuse. I mean we hardly know each other. Whenever we would schedule to talk I would have to reschedule for something happening in my life and it would happen almost every time. I hate it. I have never had so much happen to me in the span of two years but I guess that's the curse of 2020/21. I want say something but I feel like nothing would be good enough. I don't want to seem like a bad friend but I'm afraid I'm already am.

 

 

What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be so socially inept? Why can't I just fucking talking to people? Why is it so fucking hard?

 

 

Lastly,

 

Apologies. This was all over the place. 

 

To anyone who has sent a friend request to me, thank you. You are very sweet and I thank you for wanting to be my friend. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to continue further.

Edited October 11, 2021 by Guest

[Guest vixkitten]

I feel like there's more I should/could add but I don't really know if that is necessary.

[SnuffySky]

You’re not alone in feeling this exact way. I am also extremely introverted and have never made friends by myself. I have always been the person “adopted” by an extremely extroverted person who either understands and can deal with it when I disappear or who can’t.

 

It can be crippling and it’s something I am still not use to. I could’ve written this post myself.

 

I just want you to know you’re not alone in feeling and being this way.

[PwincessMe]

I don't think you should feel guilty, it's okay to be like that, it shouldn't be a problem for other people... If you want to change a little just to make life easier or feel less guilty, there are things you can work with slowly without rushing

 

Please understand that it's okay to be busy, everyone should understand that you can't talk whenever they want (because you honestly don't feel like it or because you're really busy). If they don't understand that, you should never feel guilty about it, but just think that maybe they weren't meant to be your friends (and if that hapens they sounds kinds toxic).

 

Also, you don't need to force yourself to make new friends or allow other people to get to know you better that easily, it's okay to take the time and build a friendship little by little, there's no need to open up in a rush because they want it..

 

Please don't feel bad about taking your time and being yourself... Everyone else should respect and accept you instead of getting mad or upset because you don't open up easily or because you're busy..

 

[Flip a doodle]

I feel you on this, with me being an introvert and the tack on some tramua issues i get this way a lot! I can have someone telling me call me day or night whenever i dont care youre not a bother and i will still feel paralyzed when i wanna talk to them and its something that i think parts of those feelings can be worked through to feel better and more confident about reaching out to people, talking to them, comeing back after disappearing and some of it will never go away and you just gotta work on it! Im always down for a good chat so you can always hit me up i get busy too so theres no pressure if you disappear or cancel plans

[Guest Teasing Tink]

First of all, you're not pathetic. And your grammar is good. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It can be hard to manage friendships when you're feeling overwhelmed by life.

 

Some people don't expect super frequent communication with friends (like the ones you mentioned) anyway. It just depends on the person. But if you're worried about hurting their feelings in the future over stuff like this, you can always just give them a heads up as a disclaimer that sometimes you get busy for a month, and it's not cuz you don't care about the friendship/are purposefully avoiding them. And you can tell them in advance when you're going to be busy and assure them you'll be back. A lot of people are the same way. Especially online. I think the expectations aren't generally as high.

 

And for what it's worth, you're definitely not the only one who struggles with social anxiety or shyness. Everyone has personal struggles. I think it's just a lot of overthinking combined with low self-esteem. But you had the courage to be emotionally vulnerable here with us, even though it was scary. You're stronger than you think.

 

It can also just be hard to find good friends that you have a real connection with. It takes time. Continuing to put yourself out there despite the challenges is good practice though. You're not alone in how you feel. Be kind to yourself. You're your own friend first. You just have to nurture that relationship with more positive self-talk to counter the negative.

[Guest vixkitten]

Thank you, everyone! I will admit I cried a bit reading all your messages. I really don't know what to say, I honestly didn't think anyone would care.

 

I'm going to take some time and work on myself for bit. Again thank you so much!