I don't know what to do

[Guest PastelGothKitten]

So, um, this might get a little bit long. I'm really sorry about that.

 

My friend is a daddy and he's been helping me for almost two years. I live in Europe and he lives in the states so there's a lot of distance but we make it work. We do get sexual sometimes, pictures and cheeky comments, that kind of stuff.

 

At one point, he said that maybe we should stop this dynamic we have and while I was a little sad about it, I didn't really have a problem with it. I mean, I can't force him to do something he doesn't feel works anymore.

 

Fast forward a few months later, he brings it up again and we got back into it but now it kinda feels like we're out of sync. I don't mind the sexy stuff but sometimes it feels like that's all he wants to do lately. I get it, some people have high libidos but I'm the kind of little that prefers the cuter,fluffier, more soothing side of it over the naughtier side. He knows that, I know I mentioned it to him at least once.

 

I feel like I'll come off as an ungrateful brat or a bad friend if I tell him I don't want that to be the main thing we do. Sometimes it feels like I'm the one that does most of the talking and even if he says he enjoys hearing me talk and ramble about my interests, I don't want all our conversations to be so one sided.

 

I really don't want to come off as rude or anything because he's always been really sweet to me and does his best to comfort me when I'm struggling...

 

I hope it made sense, I'm not great at putting my feelings into words.

[Guest LittleElizabethBun]

...redacted... Edited November 19, 2021 by LittleElizabethBun

[Guest LittleElizabethBun]

...redacted... Edited November 19, 2021 by LittleElizabethBun

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I agree with Elizabeth.

You're not ungrateful for not wanting the sexual portion with someone -- especially with someone who isn't even committed to you. Especially when it's likely that he'll decide to call it quits eventually only to pop back up again later when he wants some. No one is entitled to that.

He had no qualms about ending the dynamic with you when he was no longer feeling it. So why should you? He should be able to understand and respect that, otherwise it would mean he doesn't respect your boundaries. And if someone doesn't respect your boundaries, they don't really care about you or are worth your time.

 

I'll also add that setting boundaries with someone doesn't = hurting them/being ungrateful. It's the opposite. How would you feel if someone let you do a bunch of stuff to them that they weren't really into and by the end of it, they were like, "Remember when we did all that stuff? I wasn't into any of it/didn't want it." You'd probably feel pretty bad, right? Any empathetic person *wants* to respect your boundaries and it's doing a disservice to them as well as to yourself to never assert or express where they lie. It's a kindness to be honest with someone.

Edited October 2, 2021 by Teasing Tink

[Guest Hero_Yuri]

Whatever you come off as, to the other individual, will depend on how the other views things. Most you can do is calmly talk about it and hopefully it doesn't go bad. I say go for it, talk about it, and I hope it all goes well. If it doesn't then well you tried your best.

[D&Daddy]

Everyone above me has got the right of it, you need to communicate with this person, everyone says they value communication and honesty and this is most certainly the time for it.

 

My advice is: you need to have a talk with him, and before you have this talk you need to think for yourself what you want and don't want. I don't mean spend ages fretting over it then it just grows out of control, I mean spend ten minutes, an hour, reflect on it for a day maybe at most before you have the conversation. What I'd suggest is you have a list in your mind, or write it down even it might help it feel more solid to you. The list should contain things you're solid on wanting to change and/or don't want to be talked out of. If you want less/no sexual encounters, put that on the list, if you want him to be more communicative when you both talk, put that on the list, etc. These are things you need to tell him clearly and explain them to him, give an example if there's a good one recently. Also try to be neutral about them, the way to do that is to talk about your perspective so instead of saying 'you weren't talking much' or 'you didn't pay attention' you instead say things like 'i felt like i was talking a lot and i wanted to hear more about what was happening with you' or 'i got the impression that you didnt hear part of what i was saying and if something's distracted you i understand i'd just like to know so i dont keep talking'. If you freeze up on conversations like this, write down some neutral phrases like that to help guide you.

 

Finally, don't be afraid to stand your ground. If he wants to have an honest discussion of the matters you bring up then that's one thing, maybe you can find a solution or reach a compromise that you're both happy with. But if he just goes on the offensive and starts blaming you or makes excuses then that isn't a proper discussion at which point you need to not give in;

firstly because it's not unreasonable to have this conversation

secondly because if you do buckle under that pressure it sets a precedent that you will just give in to whatever he wants which isn't right

thirdly because your wants and needs matter just as much as his, if he has wants and needs that you cant or wont fulfill and vice versa then that's an issue for you both to resolve as adults and figure out where you go from here, not for one of you to just bend over and accept everything

 

Hope this helps and if you want more advice or you find yourself needing a push then let me know.