Desperation is a stinky cologne.

[DaddysMonkey]

…… Hi. *waves*

 

I’ve not been as active posting topics lately as my mind is preoccupied with other more important things lately than to just get peoples brains working and have a discussion. I’m a lurker , so I’ve been around of course. Watching all of you interesting people.

 

Something that’s popped into my mind , is desperation. I see it a lot , in normal everyday life , vanilla relationships but especially in the CG/little community.

 

A quote to start off with :

 

“Desperation isn’t a characteristic of love , it’s rooted in fear and comes from a place of darkness.”

 

More often than not , desperation over having a partner isn’t even about the love for the new partner you find. It’s about making *yourself* feel better. Immediately in my opinion a relationship based off of desperation will not end well. The partner who was not the desperate one usually is the one doing the brunt of the work , keeping the relationship going. The person who begged and begged for a relationship , usually become lazy because they are “safe” now that they have a partner. The lore of being alone and searching is gone.

 

When I see desperation for a partner , there’s usually so much fear loaded in the search and co dependency happening that it truly scares off potential partners.

How my brain sees things happening :

 

Desperate person : Nobody will ever love because I don’t have a partner.

Possible caregiver : Uhm… why will nobody love you ? If you can’t love yourself how can anyone else ? I’m caregiver but not an actual therapist.

 

Desperate person : I have been looking for a partner and it hasn’t happened *stomps feet* IM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER.

Possible caregiver : Well not everyone is compatible… would you rather be with the wrong person or wait for the right person ? Plenty of people have been single for years and they make it work.

 

Desperate person : Wow a caregiver talked to me for three days ! I love him and we’re going to be together forever !

Possible caregiver : Woooah…. Slow down there buckaroo… after three days you love me ? *gets cold feet and runs away* OR Wow this little is desperate I’m going to take advantage of them and then leave them in the dust.

 

From what I’ve seen , desperation usually leads to more hurt because people are rushing into relationships that are extremely unhealthy just to feel like they’re not alone anymore. They settle for things they don’t deserve like being ignored or treated poorly.. They ruin all potential for having a partner because man oh man … desperation truly is a stinky cologne.

 

I know it’s very difficult for a lot of people to feel so alone , but another quote I’ll drop on you is this :

 

“If someone is desperate for love , I suggest looking towards friends and family and you’ll see love all around. If not , find a new set of friends and family.”

 

There are some people that are so desperate for love or having a partner , they actually burn bridges between friends/family too. I can attest to this. I’ve had a friend who was so desperate for love and a partner that it crumbled our friendship. The basis of almost every conversation with this old friend was about him and his search for a partner. How sad and depressed he was that he didn’t have a caregiver , how he will never find anyone who wants him and everybody ghosts him all the time. I tried to have an adult conversation with him , and tell him “hey you might be doing this wrong.. you’re coming off really strong and I think you’re scaring them away because you’re trying to jump in so fast when you don’t even know their last name.” Any advice I would try to give him was blown off. I finally decided I was over it when I was going through something very traumatic , and he was still just self absorbed in his search for a partner. No care for me as a friend even though I’ve been there with him having the same conversations over and over and over.

 

If you’re truly lonely and feeling desperate, try to focus all of that love that you want to give to a partner towards your friends and family instead. More importantly toward yourself. Having a partner won’t magically fix ones problems. It’s better to learn to do things on your own and later on find someone who can walk WITH you… not drag you along because you’re desperate and helpless. Surround yourself with a loving group of friends than to aimlessly search for something that can easily fall into your lap when you least expect it to.

 

Have you experienced a desperate friend ? A desperate person who wanted to be with you ? Have YOU been desperate like this before ?

 

I have not , so im always fascinated when I see it. Im a curious Monkey and like to learn about other peoples points of views , so thanks ahead of time if anyone replies or shared stories or their thoughts on this matter.

Edited September 20, 2021 by DaddysMonkey

[Guest Hero_Yuri]

Reading this reminded me a crazy amount of people from my past, an ex, and someone I know. That part you mentioned of when they get lazy the moment they have someone is bullseye; I see that all the time.

[MurkMonster]

I think desperation causes hasty decision making. And you might find yourself tied up into things you weren't expecting.

 

 

But I don't think it's impossible for the desperate to find what they're looking for.

 

I think if someone's feeling desperate, they need to temper that with understanding. Understanding of the others around them and they also need to have respect for where these people are at and be willing to let go of some things.

 

But I'm also of the mind that you don't need to be perfect and have everything together before finding your partner. A lot of people claim that you need to be in a certain stage of development to consider having a partner and I disagree with that. Because we're all consistently evolving and the relationships we choose will also help us develop.

[MJA78]

Its why I never got into any relationships because I know I would be desperate and that doesn't sit well with me. So I pretty much just avoided it as much as I could despite how much I wanted it. I also have a hard time accepting myself because of all the kinky shit I am into and not at all interested in vanilla. I pretty much just kept it to myself all my life. I am hoping ill find a girl someday who is like minded because I know those people are extremely rare. That is the kind of person I would put my heart and soul into.

[DaddyDomination]

Too many are looking for someone to complete them. Instead we all should be focused on completing ourselves since last I looked, 200% is more than 160% 

 

On the flip side, when you're with someone. Exclusively all the people who forgot you even exist, are suddenly blowing up your inbox confessing their undying love for you (Even funnier when they had DELETED you prior). I see this all the time. 

Edited September 20, 2021 by DaddyDomination

[DerbyNerd]

I have experienced this from friends in the past, maybe once from a romantic partner as well but that was late in the relationship. 

 

With friends I've had a few who were VERY intense from the moment we met, wanting to be around me every spare second I had. I tend to be a very understanding person (interestingly I am actually a therapist which may be part of how this happens) and very caring and empathetic. There is almost nothing I won't do for a friend and in the past I have attracted friends who would fit into the desperate category. I've found that when I started to assert some healthy boundaries with them they all left pretty quickly moving onto the next person who would give them the intense contact they wanted. I'm now much better asserting those boundaries from the second I meet someone and haven't had anything like that happen in a while. 

 

As for romantic relationships I had a previous boyfriend who became increasingly desperate over our relationship, as with the friends described above he completely monopolised my time in a very unhealthy way. He even followed me into the same degree at university (I know it should have been a red flag lol, he quit it just after we broke up too). Reflecting on that relationship his desperation was probably less about me and more about trying to maintain a cover of heteronormativity and some creature comforts in his life (he was very deeply closeted and would hang out at my house all the time which was nicer then where he stayed). 

[Guest Teasing Tink]

No, it's a stinky shoe! Tomaytoe. Tomahto.    Hehehe, I answer seriously now.

 

I agree with the quote. It's like an unhealthy attachment and a low vibration which winds up repelling people, because its coming from a mentality of lack. You're not acknowledging the value of your own energy and placing too much value on everyone else's. And yeah, sometimes you wind up meeting your love much later in life and you shouldn't dictate when it's gonna happen or you might miss out on the right person.

 

Yeah, I agree -- a recipe for disaster when it's about the ego/insecurity, rather than coming from a place of self-love. But sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, I suppose.

 

I think some people find desperation  off-putting, while others who have an unhealthy tendency to be codependent/fill the role of resucer, will try to fulfill that role for that person. At least at first. I do think a distinct *lack* of desperation is attractive to most people because it shows emotional stability and takes the pressure off the other person. That's one of the many things I found attractive about my Daddy when we first met. He expressed deep interest, but wasn't pushy about it. Just gracious/accepting of whatever I was willing to give. He had a heart full of gratitude, which immediately put me at ease and naturally made me want to give more. Also it was obvious he would never take me for granted.

 

I do find it sad when I see someone give everything away where it is not valued, just to pin something down. Like, going all in on something really unstable. Like, maybe it's my Pride talking, but have some self-respect because no one is worth giving away ALL of your power and dignity away to.

 

I'm actually okay with someone venting about being alone forever, if they're just having a moment and they will do the self-work for it to pass, so it's not some repeating pattern. Everyone has weak moments sometimes.

 

Yeah, rushing and love-bombing are things I consider to be red flags too as I said in another thread, and can indicate deeper underlying issues.

 

It sucks when people can't be grateful for the things they *do* have right in front of them, or see the wisdom in good advice.

 

I couldn't agree more. Self-love is so important to cultivate and is so very fulfilling when you find it.

 

Have YOU been desperate like this before ?

Yes, back when I was a teenager, lonely and had zero relationship experience. I'd just wind up settling even though I knew deep down they weren't compatible with me. Then I romanticized the shit out of them to compensate. So I can always see when others are doing this. I didn't really have any knowledge of what a real connection with someone felt like until I met my ex husband. I hadn't ever met someone who was like me before that (a kindred spirit, on the same wavelength) or friendships that weren't more one-sided, so I also didn't really know what I was missing out on. It was more just like a vague feeling of unfulfillment. But I'd continue to suppress it and lie to myself out of loneliness.

 

After my marriage ended (we're still friends -- romance didn't work or maybe never worked), I was a lot older at that point and had experience, so I knew very strongly what I wanted and what I didn't want in romance. I knew myself on a much deeper level. And maybe this is common for people who have already been through one marriage or major long-term relationship, but after that, I wasn't willing to settle for anything that wasn't my ideal or truly fulfilling in every way. Because otherwise, what's the point? I'm not someone who was made for some mediocre love.  And I don't mean having deal-breakers over shallow shit that doesn't matter.

 

But first, I made peace with just being alone for the rest of my life (I don't mean this in a depressing/Eeyore way) because I wasn't willing to settle for anything less and wasn't expecting to find some other soulmate out there. Like, I prefer to be with a partner, but it better be worth it if I'm doing this a second time because I genuinely like myself and enjoy spending time with myself. And I was lucky enough to find that and still can't believe it. I feel so grateful and giddy every day to have found someone who is so compatible with me. I almost feel like I don't deserve to be this happy. I know that sounds so fucking cheesy and lame too, but it's how I genuinely feel.

 

And there were definitely some desperate moments at the end of my marriage, but it would be an over-simplification to say I was just with him out of desperation, because I definitely didn't feel that way. Desperate moments were more so born out of confusion, high investment (highly valuing each other as friends even if the romance/passion wasn't there) and then I guess just me stupidly thinking things will magically still work when we wanted different things. Too much of a can of worms for me to explain. But I've had convos with him where I told him there's no shame for him or me on wanting something else as it's a common experience. It was more of a mutual ending, though I guess I ultimately left the ball in his court on that one. I guess cuz I wanted to be really really really sure that he wanted out before I moved on (I'm not an impulsive person). But then once I'm done with someone, and I realize they don't value me in the way I want to be valued, I'm *really* done. At least this is how I am with romance.

 

Have you experienced a desperate friend ? 

Not really. With friends, I've more so experienced the opposite -- feelings of being taken for granted/neglect. I've met few people who could match the energy I put into friendships. Like, when just meeting a friend for the first time and they tell me who their best friend is, somehow I manage to surpass what this friend of many years gives them without even trying. So if a "friend" wants to throw me out like yesterday's trash, to that I say: good luck finding my replacement. Once you get old enough, you usually realize how hard it is to find quality/real connections with someone and that's not something you should just carelessly throw away. Maybe that sounds arrogant, but I know my worth, so I'm not torn up about it. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Teasing Tink