How to get over him and how to meet new people?

[CuteCupcake]

I decided to post on this forum because it's basically the only community I feel welcome in and I figured there might other littles who know the mindset I am currently in so thanks in advance for taking your time to read and respond to this <3

 

The situation I am in is quite complicated, but I don't want to scare people away by writing a huge text so in case you feel like you need more information feel free to read my previous post, because it is about the guy I'm currently in love with.

 

TL:DR: Had a breakup with my first daddy, met a guy last December who seemed perfect, he soon asked me out, I said no because I didn't feel like it was fair towards him to date him while I still sometimes thought about my ex, I hurt him which made him make 2 silly relationship choices, we love each other still, but he doesn't want long distance relationship anymore because of the two other girls (he lives in England and I've been wanting to move there for ages so distance wouldn't actually be a problem once I'm done with school), he's recently gone cold again because he fell in love with a girl in his class and wants to pursue it because she's closer and of course it really breaks my heart seeing him in love with another girl again, again AND again.

 

I want to wait, because this seems like one of his bad choices again and I just hope that eventually he realizes that love can overcome distance but I've been told by his irl friends (we are all good online friends, we talk basically daily) that she isn't really a good person either and I just don't want to experience him getting hurt again. After the previous two breakups he got drunk so often, I tried to support him as much as I could but it hurt so much seeing him in that pain. He doesn't like himself too much and I don't want to hear him talk about how perfect she is and how she's too good for him just because he's blinded by love until she ends up hurting him and he gets sucked back into this spiral of pain. 

 

i understand that I can't wait forever, but he was the first person who was really there for me after my first daddy turned out to be abusive, we used to be so close just without the dating 'label' and nothing bad really happened between us, he just went cold because he wants to date her and of course it would be unethical to be loving to me while doing so. I have no reason to dislike him or be upset with him or stop being friends with him especially because I rejected him back then and triggered the entire chain reaction. I also only have him and his friends and I'm the only girl so they would definitely be on his side and I don't wanna lose all my friends and of course I also still love him so much so I'd never want to hurt him, but it's so hard to be there and support him while another girl is getting all his love.. for the third time.

 

I want to find new people and my school actually starts in two days, but I have had mental health issues in the past (can't say they're gone now, but at least I'm able to go to school again) so I'm 3 years behind my peers, it's embarrassing and I feel extremely stupid, but that's a different story. Besides that my school is also a school for people who want to be nursery teachers and it's basically 99% girls so that's not an option to meet a guy. I don't like alcohol because of previous experiences with my dad so going to a bar or disco or something is also not an option because most people there are people who went there to drink and I don't want to pretend to like something just to meet a guy (this also disqualifies going to a football match and stuff like that although there would probably be plenty of guys). I personally really love video games, but how on earth am I supposed to meet a guy through that, sure there's conventions, but I live in a rather small country so there's nothing here. The only option is online I guess, but I've been trying that anyway and it doesn't seem to work.

 

I feel useless, purposeless, ugly and every other thing you can come up with, I tried to support this guy for months and even when I gave everything and sacrificed time and myself I wasn't good enough. Since the breakup with my first daddy there's this new feeling - the feeling of having no purpose, having no one to colour for, no one to dress up cutely for and no one to make happy or proud - I hate it. I just want to be good for something, I used to excel in school and I know at least in school I won't have any problems because it's really easy, but no one's gonna think it's impressive, I'm not gonna be able to make anyone proud, because after all I'm 3 years behind everyone else. 

 

I also hate my native language actually which makes it even worse, I am stuck in this country until I'm finally done with school which will take me years, I will definitely move to the UK - unless once again I somehow manage to mess up - so until then looking for love is a silly idea. Years of feeling alone and purposeless and achieving nothing because I should be much further ahead already, my mental health is not really great either as you can probably tell so what were these 3 wasted years in therapy and the hospital for when they didn't even fix my mental health. I have basically achieved nothing in life. I just want to have a family and take care of people and be good enough, but until I even just get a chance to do so I will basically be old. I used to think that I was lucky knowing what I wanted to do since age 6, becoming a nursery teacher, finding  love and being a young mum, but apparently nothing of that is gonna come true in the end so what's the point of it all.

 

To whoever actually ended up reading this, I'm sorry for making it so long, but thank you for taking your time.

[PapaGrayWolf]

Your post is interesting and informative so don't worry about it being too long.

 

My thoughts on the guy you want:  Sorry, he isn't the right guy for you though you want him to be.  He's interested in what HE wants, and though that's contrary to your desires it's not necessarily wrong for him.  Hanging on to the myth of a relationship with him isn't healthy for you. 

 

So how do you get past something like that?  Time. 

 

I've been through painful breakups and made stupid decisions because of that.  Fortunately I made it past those and time did its work.  Now I don't have the heartache but I do have beautiful memories. 

[RebelKing]

So, best case scenario here is that you two unfortunately just aren't gonna work. Worst case is that he is manipulating you, he seems to call his past relationships "silly" Even tho he proceeded to become a drunk after them, which is a red flag, and if its you calling them silly, then you aren't respecting someone you claim to love. Time will heal all wounds, but you need to stop causing the wounds yourself.

[LittleMissAria]

Also, just adding something about the end of your post as I read it --

 

Mental health isn't something that you can just go to therapy for a few years and it's immediately cured. It's an ever-present battle, but working on yourself, working on maintaining better and healthier relationships, and continuing to work on your mental health are all extremely important and positive things. I've been coping with agoraphobia, two miscarriages, the loss of my mother and father, BPD, depression, severe anxiety, and a whole slew of other issues. It's not cut and dry and therapy doesn't work for everyone. You just need to find what works best for you and keep trying until you find what helps the most. 

 

Relationships are NOT therapy, or a cure for your mental health. Please work on loving yourself and helping yourself first and foremost. <3

[DatDaddy]

Sadly what I have to say isn't what you'll want to hear.

You will want to hear "Hold on! He'll come around! He'll see those girls aren't right for him!".

I know this because I went through that. I was loyal to a girl, and she keep being unfaithful in a variety of ways. She'd always admit she regretted her choice. She'd apologize. She'd even stop toxic behavior for short spurts. However it would always happen again which meant she wasn't actually sorry she did it. She was sorry she was caught.

 

So the best advice I can give you is that if they didn't choose you the first time then why should you choose them at all?

You shouldn't be just a choice, or an option to them. You should be a necessity. You'll find someone who values you for you.
Hearing them talk about those other girls to you shows they don't care about your feelings since they are aware of how you feel about them. 

 

As for meeting a guy... You can meet people on games. Yes it would be long distance most likely. You can meet people on sites.  You can even try one of those dating apps if you think that you might find someone nice on it. That is up to you, and what you'll feel most comfortable with. I personally love long distance starts because it gives me time to get to know the person. Patience is a virtue, and people tend to be impatient. So if they don't change after not getting to see you right away that's a pretty good sign they aren't being themselves. 

[ValesKittenEEvee]

I second everyone else's thoughts on this thread so far.

I wanted to address the issue of the negative Daddy you had, as often negative voices from our past haunt us and can keep us stuck.

I had a horrific experience with my first D [had to get the police involved in then end to put a stop to the craziness].

Why do I bring this up, as that was not the focus of your post?

Well, It's been a year and a half after the end to the traumatic situation, I have met my soulmate and have started to rebuild my life with someone who values and loves me deeply. There are still days when that old, negative, and abusive voice creeps in. This has to do with trauma and mental health.

We all have 'voices' of loved ones, ex partners, ex boss's (etc.) in our heads. They tend to act up the most when we are feeling alone, volunberale or lack a purpose.

After a year of healing (have much still to work on), I have realized my purpose is to be happy, to love and serve others while living my life to the best of my abilities-no matter what I am called to do.

I have been dealing with mental health since I was  child, but have started to get it all under control once I shifted my environment to be more conducive of the life and habits I want to live.

I would say (as to the person you are longing for), the way you talk about him reminds me of the idea of twin flames- Love that was not meant for this moment in time...but ever present.

I have an ex like that, we never became anything beyond a few dates, but he has been a huge influence on my development as a person, and ever present for over 10 years now. I would never enter into a dynamic with him of any kind, because I know he will never live up to what I need in a relationship, and i would not be a good fit for him either, but we still care for one another.

No matter what you take from this, I wish you the best and brightest day tomorrow. 

-Evee