I need advice, and help.

[UnsureAboutiT]

I have been married for 8 years, with 2 kids. My wife has practically insisted she have a man she has been friends with for a couple of years become her caregiver.

 

The first time she ever mentioned this whole ddlg thing to me was a couple of years ago when I peaked in the baby camera and overheard her calling someone  "daddy". When I confronted her she told me about ddlg, and said I need to look into it, gave me a fairly brief explanation, and said she needed me to be more of a caregiver which I didn't understand at the time. I briefly looked into it, got a minor basis, and  I tried to be more caregiving over the years, and thought we were doing well for a while now. I thought for a long time it was just a fetish type thing, and that she may grow out of it. I understand it quite a bit more now though. 

 

Fast forward to the present. She became really distant this year, cold in many ways. She has been leaving and taking trips to see this man out of state often, knowing I wasn't fully ok with it. We even went on vacation to Colorado to the in-laws place. When we got back she insisted on going to get said friend and take him to Colorado, all the while insisting the relationship with him was completely innocent. During her trip back with this guy I got angry, and said some stuff that was hurtful. She was gone with this guy for 2 weeks straight. When she gets back she starts insisting on a separation because she's unhappy. I managed to talk her out of it at the time. We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. We got sick and I had to take 4 days off from work. Half way through those days we were picking up our oldest from school and I thought I saw a convo between her and this guy on a msg referring to him as daddy. I confronted her about it, and she denied it. I made the mistake of saying I may be ok with her having a daddy aside from me.  Her mood and us getting along did a u-turn the next day, and she started back up with the separation. She told me that she felt she really needed this ddlg relationship. We discussed what I had been doing to give her what she desired. She practically insisted on this person to be the one and only person she would trust to provide her with this relationship. I expressed my jealousy regarding him. My fears that there has been something going on all along, but she keeps on insisting there wasn't anything, and never has been.  I began to look for compromise to keep the marriage in tact. For the sake of me and the kids I told her that I may be ok with it, but we would have to have limitations, and rules. The agreement during the talks was that I would possibly let her have this relationship with this guy because she insisted on him because she didn't trust random people. I also told her I would do more research as it was clear and evident that this means tons to her. One of the stipulations in our compromises was that she needed to transition to me being her caregiver, and help teach me what she needs. I have a natural tendency to be a caregiver, outside of the title of caregiver within the ddlg titling. It comes naturally to me and it just makes since for me to be that for her. Now that I am exploring ddlg more I am beginning to really understand it. She all along has insisted that she hasn't had this relationship with this guy. Tells me she is going to talk to him about it. Imagine that he is into ddlg,  apparently pretty experienced, and is ok with being her caregiver. ( All the while insisting it's "vanilla, non sexual" I don't truly believe this is coincidence.  So we're doing good right? Maybe not. One of the things she needed was a break from me and the kids. I agreed, so she could go to her mom's this weekend. We have a house down the road from there but we live a long way away due to my work. So all is well. I ask her if this guy is going to be there because he allegedly bought a car from her parents, and needs to go get it. (She's been trying to get me to agree to her going, but without me when I offer for all of us to go. Making excuses like he may not want me there because he is in a fragile state of mind due to a child loss, all kinds of shit) So I agreed thinking she does need some time with her mom, and a break from all of us. She has been at our house, pretty much since she got there. The guy in question has been there, and I just don't feel comfortable with it. She still insists it's innocent. I am loosing my mind thinking she may be cheating on me with this guy, have been for months, she swears up and down that she isn't, hasn't, and hasn't been in a ddlg relationship with him prior to me trying to use compromise to hold our marriage  together.  I have tried to begin talking more about all of it with her but she seams uninterested in pursuing a caregiver relationship with me her husband yet. It's driving me nuts, I want to talk more about it but I also don't want to smother her during her "break" I just don't know how to approach this. I know things are rocky between us, but I want us to do better, we are planning on getting marriage counseling, and I want us to be doing better, but it feels like she just doesn't even want to give me the chance to even begin to fulfill her needs. ( I have set my needs aside for all of this...) Also I want to trust her so bad, and to trust this dude, but I'm having a very difficult time.

Edited September 5, 2021 by UnsureAboutiT

[moonlightbae14]

coming from someone who is an only child who saw my parents divorce at the age of 7, i'll do my best to provide feedback based on the info given.

 

Although it was a good thing talking out of the separation idea, when noticing a situation that makes you uncomfortable and thinking about others rather than yourself can be seen as an act of love for trying to work through things. Trust your intuition. Based on what I read, if she is not willing to try to make her ddlg relationship known to you by literally including you knowing the scene she likes to part-take in, as well as provide info on the caregiver previously mentioned, then she is not telling the whole truth. Why would she not try to involve you in the interest she genuinely likes. She doesn't have to do it right away, but at least take small steps to build that relationship, especially since you're married. It's the red flags you have to look out for. Insisting her friend to see her almost all time without giving prior context other than the ddlg relationship is not acceptable. There can be a time where when she was comfortable enough to have you see how she is in sub-space in order for you to gain her trust. But because she is lacking information to give you and not willing to properly communicate, there's a conversation need to be taken place. The only ones that will sadly suffer are the kids. If her having a ddlg relationship and not properly communicating and telling her true feelings is not being said, reconsider in a break. A break can definitely help, however, if there is no changes in the marriage in terms of trust and communication, i'll leave that part up to you. If a decision has been made, I do want to add by saying to not talk badly to children about their mother and vice versa. This can cause trauma and it will be taken advantage of from you and your spouse, doesn't matter the age the kids are. But also be truthful on your behalf.

 

and my heart goes out to you during this time. i know i'm young and not married, i just like helping people to the best of my abilities.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

To be frank, she doesn't respect your boundaries. She doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you. A poly dynamic can only work if all parties are transparent with one another and respect one another's boundaries. You already caught her in a lie and she is still failing to own those lies. Don't second guess yourself. She is 100% cheating on you. And no matter how you define cheating, the one common denominator is that it always involves a major hidden aspect from your partner. And feeling like you need to go out of the way to hide this. That is definitely what is going on here and you've already seen it but I understand it's hard to swallow/accept because it's painful. it sounds like she already has moved on from your marriage to be honest. She doesn't seem at all interested in reconciling with you romantically. It's clear that she wants this guy and not you. You tried. You can't force someone to want things with you, and you deserve someone who actually wants to be with you. 

 

As far as marriage counseling, in most cases, it's statistically unsuccessful in saving marriages. And most couples get it when the marriage is already pretty much over. So, too little too late. That may sound cynical, but that's just the facts. I've also witnessed this in others. As for your kids, I know divorce when you have kids is scary and challenging, but your kids deserve to see their parents happy and not in a broken marriage. And you deserve to be happy. You can't bend over backwards to please someone. It doesn't sound like it's possible to please her anyway. She wants something else, someone else, even when you try to offer her what she wants it will never be enough because she's clearly attached to this other guy. At least you tried. I'm really sorry you're going through this too. I know it's stressful, but you can get through this. Just don't doubt yourself or put up with the gaslighting. 

[UnsureAboutiT]

So new development. She showed me all of the messages involved in her asking our friend about it. Also we've been talking a bit and she can barely get into little space with him, and can't stay there. To me this tells me that her heart still belongs to me, and she's only seeking help from a source she trusts.I may be naive, but I have faith in her.

[(not) Narancia]

Holy red flag batman. I know im not nearly as eloquent as those who have commented before me and surely not those who will comment after me, but holy crap this woman is beyond inconsiderate at best and flat out cheating at worst.

 

I don't have much advice to give, but I am curious if you've spoken about this to people close to you or your wife. I know it's not easy to drop the ddlg bomb, but hey you definetly are receptive to say the least.

 

Last thing I wanna add is that I would straight up call this guy and tell him you wanna meet. Have a beer, whatever. This guy is clearly involved with your wife in a quite significant capacity and you are entitled to knowing who he is and what his intentions are.

[PapaGrayWolf]

My advice; look in the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer and document as much of her behavior as you can.  It's over. 

[UnsureAboutiT]

Holy red flag batman. I know im not nearly as eloquent as those who have commented before me and surely not those who will comment after me, but holy crap this woman is beyond inconsiderate at best and flat out cheating at worst.

 

I don't have much advice to give, but I am curious if you've spoken about this to people close to you or your wife. I know it's not easy to drop the ddlg bomb, but hey you definetly are receptive to say the least.

 

Last thing I wanna add is that I would straight up call this guy and tell him you wanna meet. Have a beer, whatever. This guy is clearly involved with your wife in a quite significant capacity and you are entitled to knowing who he is and what his intentions are.

[RebelKing]

divorce her? She's cheating on you, if somehow it's not physical, she is still emotionally cheating on you, by going to another man for support. Also start getting evidence so she doesn't take all your money.

Edited September 5, 2021 by RebelKing

[Vampiress]

It's weird because it seems like she was trying to hide a lot for most of these conversations on what was really going on. If he was basically a platonic caregiver then she should've been able to be more transparent about everything going on. Either way, DDlg is a form of BDSM at least with power exchange, thus making it a kink and would constitute as cheating in my opinion. Regardless of what happens, maybe keep notes somewhere and documentation of what's going on in case a divorce does happen.

[moonlightbae14]

So new development. She showed me all of the messages involved in her asking our friend about it. Also we've been talking a bit and she can barely get into little space with him, and can't stay there. To me this tells me that her heart still belongs to me, and she's only seeking help from a source she trusts.I may be naive, but I have faith in her.

She is guilt tripping into making you feel bad for the way you've been treating her (which in my opinion seems fair from your perspective) and acting like the victim. She's showing vulnerability now in order to get what she wants in the long run. I've been in a similar situation and it never ends well. Her having trouble getting into little space is a personal issue that she can handle. She'll do whatever it takes to get what she wants and anything else will be last. It's best to have a discussion and figure out what both you and her want in order to have a solution to the problem at hand.

[(not) Narancia]

She is guilt tripping into making you feel bad for the way you've been treating her (which in my opinion seems fair from your perspective) and acting like the victim. She's showing vulnerability now in order to get what she wants in the long run. I've been in a similar situation and it never ends well. Her having trouble getting into little space is a personal issue that she can handle. She'll do whatever it takes to get what she wants and anything else will be last. It's best to have a discussion and figure out what both you and her want in order to have a solution to the problem at hand.

This comment addresses some things I didn't really know how to put into my own words. People looking to hide something often pull shit like this. You ask for transparency, she provides text logs and expects that to be water under the bridge. If it's not enough for you, I bet she'd say some shit like "wow you still don't trust me? " 2 minutes later you feel like shit and she's successfully gaslit the fuck out of you.

 

Like I said in my earlier comment, please seek out friends to talk to this about.

[LeeLee1]

Would this caregiver be so happy to take on someone else’s family ,I think the shine would come off with kids about ,right now they have there cake and eat it.

They can have fun while u stay home with the kids.sadly your a good guy trying to save your marriage.But one day maybe weeks months from now you will sit there and think ,shit I’m still where I was when I went on that chat site and asked for help.

Remember the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[PapaGrayWolf]

There is no nice way to ask this yet I think it needs to be asked; are we being trolled?

[(not) Narancia]

There is no nice way to ask this yet I think it needs to be asked; are we being trolled?

That'd be one hell of a dedicated shitpost lmao

[UnsureAboutiT]

No I'm not trolling. I'm just trying to take everything in, not make rash decisions. I think our marriage is salvageable, and there's not much else to say right yet. Honestly the lack of sympathy for her is shocking. Imagine telling your husband something is very important to you, and he shrugs it off as a phase or fetish. He then proceeds to be cold and distant, occasionally trying to be nurturing. I can see it from her point of view. I have been highly overwhelmed with my job, averaging 12-16 hours a day for 14 on and 2 off, so a lot of times I can be cold and distant. I don't know. Sorry guys you aren't getting both sides of the story, you're only seeing it from my point of view and it's not fully comprehensive. Edited September 7, 2021 by UnsureAboutiT

[Little kaiya]

I can feel empathy for her in what you're describing BUT I honestly don't think there is ANY excuse that justifies cheating, which is what she's doing.

 

Whether it's sexual cheating or emotional cheating she's still cheating. Whether you decide that's something you're ok with and can live with or not is up to you.

 

That said, don't lie to yourself or try to excuse her behaviour. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

[moonlightbae14]

even if we are told both sides of the story, point have been made to see that one person is not being honest and truthful, especially communicating. this is not excusing your behavior of being cold and distant. all the points that have been said are valid regardless. the optimism can lead to disappointment. trust your intuition and not your heart as much as one would. we are not responsible for our 1st action, but we are responsible for our second reaction. the 1st reaction was led by emotion and tends to make irrational decisions right on the spot. the 2nd reaction is where one can use critical thinking and comprehensive skills to think rationally and use it as a way of feedback on what to improve.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I actually do have sympathy for people who cheat (who aren't narcissistic serial cheaters, but first time offenders) and don't see it as black and white. The issue I saw was in her not fully owning it or being 100% truthful which I think is important to do when moving forward after something like cheating, because it severely breaks trust no matter if you feel like you deserved it. Hopefully y'all can get it sorted out in marriage counseling if that's the direction you're going in. No shame in whatever you choose. Just tried to help based on the initial information provided. Sorry if it sucked.

[UnsureAboutiT]

I just don't know...Chances are I'm simply clinging onto denial... Edited September 8, 2021 by UnsureAboutiT

[Guest LittleElizabethBun]

This sounds really hard. Having been in your wife's shoes myself, no she is probably not being totally truthful, with tou or maybe even herself. It may not be phsyical but emotionally she is invested. You draw your own lines on whether that is cheating - it's your marriage. She is clearly not respecting your boundaries or feelings though. My current partner and I nearly split up because of a similar situation. We had a lot of frank discussions and I agreed never to see or contact the man again. We BOTH did a lot of soul searching and thinking and open and honest communication. We made changes that saved our relationship. Only recently has he fully embraced DD and we are both happier than we have ever been.

 

It may be worth going to marriage counselling to have a neutral party to help you determine whether you can save this, whether you actually both want to save this and if you can make changes to treat each other respectfully and meet each other's needs. If she can't be open and honest with you then maybe you should consider divorce and finding someone more compatible. Don't "stay together for the kids" - my parents did this and it doesn't help

Edited September 13, 2021 by LittleElizabethBun

[moonlightbae14]

I just don't know...Chances are I'm simply clinging onto denial...

As I previously mentioned, this is what optimism leads to when thinking that just because the person is being somewhat vulnerable now, they'll get what they want later and only show that side when they want something. Some solutions that can assist during this time can be counseling, having a 1 on 1 between you and your spouse, taking a break with boundaries set in place and not breaking them, or a permanent separation- divorce. Having a conversation with your spouse can be beneficial if you still have that small chance of hope. Don't think with your heart, use your cognitive skills to have a solution to the problem at hand. If all else fails and all is being seen is disappointment, separation can help both parties involved.

[Guest deerdan]

I agree with the previous comments.

 

I just wanted to add that I don't think it's very fair that you're the only one trying to keep the marriage intact,

while she's out there pursuing other things - I can understand that she has a need to express her little side,

but she clearly isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all. It's not really a compromise if you're

the only one having to accept things as they are and feel uncomfortable while she gets to leave your family

life abruptly, whether to have alone time or to be with the other guy. Things are way out of balance and

that has got to be unhealthy for your relationship.

[Littlecutecookie]

It sounds like emotional cheating. Is ok to explore things but to completly hide the truth from your partner? And then guilt tripping him? Not ok. Is a huge red flag and your partner isn't being 100% honest or understanding with you.

DDLG or not a relationship is made of two, not just one trying their hardest.