I don't know what to do, any advice?

[RainbowJinx]

Hi everybody! My name is Jinx, I'm new here but not new to DDLG and after last night I've got a big new problem and dunno what to do. I have a Mommy, and she's new to everything ever. Before she met me she thought she was straight even! She's a therapist and actually figured out about my little before I ever told her, but she said she wanted to embrace it and learn about it. That was three years ago and I proposed to her months after. She's been slowly learning and exploring DDLG since but last night something bad happened.

 

Mommy had a rough childhood and she said that DDLG has been triggering her. She told me that I don't understand or listen even though I do both. I love her with all of my heart but now I don't know what to do or how to help her. I'm not comfortable enough to be in little space with her because I don't want to upset her.

 

Does anybody have any advice? I'm lost and afraid of losing something that was bringing us both comfort and happiness.

 

Thank you so much for reading, if nothing else it kinda feels better just getting it out there and off my chest.

[Guest buddhagirl]

Speaking from experience, I am going to just tell you that if you are scared of upsetting her, then it is probably not a healthy relationship for you. I tried for 12 years to have a good relationship with someone who had a rough childhood and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. His mood would change, his anger was intense, he was unkind when he was angry--he kept me on edge, nervous and scared for much of the time. Now I know that NONE OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLERATED. I should have left as soon as I saw this behavior and pattern. Now I'm married to the most wonderful, loving, patient, generous, kind, steady person in the world. I know you are scared to lose this relationship and person, but you are very young and you will definitely find a loving relationship again with someone that is better suited for you. I know you can, and you deserve it. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. (Don't mean to yell, I just don't want others to suffer in an emotionally abusive and unfulfilling relationship like I did.)

[RainbowJinx]

Thank you for your reply Buddhagirl... I don't want to leave her, but I do know that she has to be able to find her answers for herself. She's never gotten angry or anything, she just kinda gets sad or shuts down.

 

You've definitely given me something to think about, but I don't want to leave her.

 

Thank you so very much for your input. I'm glad things worked out for you in the end!

[Guest MyDaddyMyWorld]

Speaking from experience, I am going to just tell you that if you are scared of upsetting her, then it is probably not a healthy relationship for you. I tried for 12 years to have a good relationship with someone who had a rough childhood and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. His mood would change, his anger was intense, he was unkind when he was angry--he kept me on edge, nervous and scared for much of the time. Now I know that NONE OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLERATED. I should have left as soon as I saw this behavior and pattern. Now I'm married to the most wonderful, loving, patient, generous, kind, steady person in the world. I know you are scared to lose this relationship and person, but you are very young and you will definitely find a loving relationship again with someone that is better suited for you. I know you can, and you deserve it. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. (Don't mean to yell, I just don't want others to suffer in an emotionally abusive and unfulfilling relationship like I did.)

Can't really say it any better myself. This is not a good relationship, but if you aren't willing to leave her, then thats your decision. Just do not ever expect any great changes. People do not change who they are. Especially people who blame their history and past experiences. That takes away all responsibility. So its never their fault, which makes them never admit to needing to act any differently.

[lilvioletcub]

Can't really say it any better myself. This is not a good relationship, but if you aren't willing to leave her, then thats your decision. Just do not ever expect any great changes. People do not change who they are. Especially people who blame their history and past experiences. That takes away all responsibility. So its never their fault, which makes them never admit to needing to act any differently.

 

 

Speaking from experience, I am going to just tell you that if you are scared of upsetting her, then it is probably not a healthy relationship for you. I tried for 12 years to have a good relationship with someone who had a rough childhood and I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. His mood would change, his anger was intense, he was unkind when he was angry--he kept me on edge, nervous and scared for much of the time. Now I know that NONE OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLERATED. I should have left as soon as I saw this behavior and pattern. Now I'm married to the most wonderful, loving, patient, generous, kind, steady person in the world. I know you are scared to lose this relationship and person, but you are very young and you will definitely find a loving relationship again with someone that is better suited for you. I know you can, and you deserve it. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. (Don't mean to yell, I just don't want others to suffer in an emotionally abusive and unfulfilling relationship like I did.)

 

Both of these and then some while I don;t think u should break up with her you both need to talk and you need to explain how you feel with out being scared you have no reationship if you have no coummincation I have anxiety but still tell my boyfriend what I'm thinking even if its stupid he understands.

her using her childhood as a trigger is no excuse for making u feel this way we all have issues n triggers but thats no excuse for this.

[Guest LexiGremlin]

I posted a post about how to tell if a relationship is abusive in any way and one of the red flags is feeling scared about approaching the other partner about anything. A relationship is about communication. If you cannot feel that you can open up and talk to her about any aspect of you, then you might have to put the relationship on hold. Not a break-up, but a break.

[RainbowJinx]

I don't want to leave her, but she does need to learn to open up. I think I'll talk to her about it. Thank you so much for your concern and your advice everybody! ^-^

[Fortune Cookie]

There's not enough info in Jinx post to assume this is an abusive relationship. Maybe it is maybe not I can't tell all I can tell is that Jinx loves her mommy and is worried about the DD/lg side of their relationship triggering bad emotions or memories for her mommy and how that effects her mommy and Jinx is confused about what to do from here as she doesn't want to end their relationship. I think it's very unfair for people to immediately jump to conclusions and this doesn't help Jinx either.

 

We learn a lot of our emotional and thought process as children and are forever affected by the conditions of our childhood. It's a constant battle then to go against the grain of what was instilled in you from an early and vulnerable age and it's bloody hard work but people can change when they have the right tools and support. Although it's difficult there does come a point in adult life when you have to except that your actions are your own responsibility regardless of what happened to you and of course treating other people badly or being abusive is never acceptable and there is no excuse good enough for that.

 

Jinx it's great already that your mommy has identified that she's having some issues I think it would be important for you guys to discuss and figure out what parts of your Dd/lg roles are causing these and if you can work around them it's also important for her to deal with the emotions causing her trouble, that might not be something you can help with. But a new dynamic or a break for a little while from the lifestyle while she does this might help her and when she's feeling better you can talk about bringing back the things you had changed. I know it will be difficult for you as it's such a big part of your relationship so you need to consider what you are capable of and if you are willing to change things. Communication between the two of you is key but maybe it would be good for your mommy to speak to an outside party as well or seek some professional help and if the other people here are right and this is an abusive relationship I hope you find the strength to see that and take good care of yourself.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you I imagine it's very stressful. Keep well x

[RainbowJinx]

Thank you Fortune Cookie, you clearly put a lot of time and thought into your response!

 

I think time is definitely going to be a factor, and she has lots of thinking to do. Professional help isn't likely to happen given that she's one of the professionals people usually go to,but maybe I can find somebody that she can talk to.

 

I hate to take a break from the lifestyle, it's fun and comfortable, but I have to consider her needs too. We need to find out what set her off and talk about that when she's ready I think.

 

Gotta figure out how to be a therapist to my therapist Mommy XD

[Guest LexiGremlin]

I don't want to leave her, but she does need to learn to open up. I think I'll talk to her about it. Thank you so much for your concern and your advice everybody! ^-^

As someone who had trouble opening up, I only have to say tread carefully. Especially if she refuses and gets angry. For a long time, I couldn't be in a relationship because any time someone tried to get me to open up or talk about situations, I would react negatively. I would get aggressive. Because I felt like I was trapped. I mean, I have opened up to my Mommy about EVERYTHING in my past because I got help with it. And I AM able to talk about my past now.

 

But when I wasn't ready, nobody could get me to talk. And I hurt people because of being unable to open up. The more a person tried to help, the further I pushed them away, even to the point of PHYSICALLY pushing them away. I would scream at them that I hated them, to leave me alone. It didn't even have anything to do with them. But it was the only way I knew HOW to cope until I got help.

 

Now, I KNOW people with problems can change because I have. But I also know that a person in that state of mind can become abusive without meaning to be. Because they're scared of talking about it. Talking makes it real. And I also know that a person who does need help won't get better unless THEY want to get help. There is no "do it for me." They'll do it because they'll feel guilty, but it won't do anything to improve them because they need to WANT to change.

 

I took a LONG break from dating. I was single (by choice) for 2 years before I got together with my Mommy. I met her a year ago and we didn't even start DISCUSSING anything other than friendship until a couple months ago and became official a few days ago. But I took a break because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I spent those 2 years working on myself, to fix myself. I'm not the same person I was since I got help. I am able to open up now. And I don't feel scared to talk to T [my Mommy] because I opened up to her when we were just friends. And she knew everything going in.

 

As I said earlier, I don't think you should completely end it with her. But maybe take a break until she's able to work things out for herself. And IF she does lash out, know it has nothing to do with you personally.

[Guest littlemissragamuffin]

It's sounds like you have a nice Mommy, seems like she wanted to help you. Picking up on littleness and wanting to be a part of it. It's nice you don't want to leave her and want to help. You should be able to count on each other. You said she's a therapist, so she should know how important talking is. There's always give and take. I'd say, keep talking. Maybe stop childish things for just a few days. Then start again, one thing at a time. Maybe you'll be able to pinpoint whatever it is that's causing the bad feelings and then just stop that trigger. Let her know that your there for her, like she is you, but if she's wants you to be there for her she has to help you. She has to open up or you won't be able to do anything but sit around feeling helpless until it does finally start real prombles in your relationship. Some times no matter how people feel for each other they just can't work out together, but differenly try before getting to this point.

[Guest Bear]

I can't imagine how furstrated you must be. 
There is obviously a communication issue between the two of you, and it's not healthy at all.

You're girlfriend should practice what she preach, because right now you are being placed in a sore spot. 
I think it's amazing that she has been exploring DDLG with you for the past 3  years, but I also think it took her too long to express her feelings, which is not normal.


So right now, I believe you find yourself in a difficult position:
You want to talk to her, you feel like you want to express your inner-little, yet obviously she shuts you and herself down. 
You might even feel like even you will fight about your right to be heard, things might not end well because she just doesnt priortise you and actually listening and working on things.


This can go on for so long before bitterness and frustration builds up and kick in. 
Sit her down and tell her for the sake of the relationship you NEED her to express everything that she is feeling and that you both need to find a middle-ground for the sake of happily ever after. 


I wish you the best, and while this might sound bitter-sweet, I promise that either way you will find your happiness and perhaps a more suitable partner. 
All hope is not lost though, but you do need your wife to work with you side by side. If she chooses not to- that's when you know you might need to do some thinking.




I wish you both the best of luck, and if you ever need anything- feel free to pm me ^^