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Posted (edited)

…… hi. *waves*

 

Feels like forever since I had a coffee ramble on here… well heeeeeeres JOHNNY.

 

As many of you know by now , I’m an avid over thinker. Sometimes it’s annoying (for everyone including myself) and sometimes it takes me down a rabbit hole of self awareness.

 

I’ve been going through a lot of growth , but also some setbacks with mental health and trying to find clarity in what all happened to me growing up. Working in customer service , I have the magic gift of the “customer service mask”. Customers assume I’m cheery and happy , life is perfect and nothing is wrong with me. Of course not everyone believes in , or take it very lightly different personality types. (MBTI) I take everything with a grain of salt , but as an INFJ something that is without a doubt true is that we see through peoples social masks and identify what’s going on underneath. I don’t often meet other INFJ people in real life.

 

Now , one of my customers has slowly been growing on me. He and I have been becoming friends…. *cough cough COUGH* it’s hard for me to make friends and I even choke on the words. He is also an INFJ. He came into the shop , and I had this weird feeling he was like…. Looking past my skin into my bones. When the other customers left , he very blankly said “what’s going on dude.” DONT YOU READ ME LIKE A BOOK SIR BACK OFF.

While I’m still scared to call people friends , I feel like I can call him one now. I told him everything that’s going on with me lately , and he goes “How can I support you?”

 

0-0 what ? I’ve had people support me before , but nobody has ever really asked HOW. Ya know ? People just do what they think is best for you , or try to cheer you up. It threw me back for a second and I just said “Uh , good question. I have no idea.” He just said to let him know , and he’ll be there.

 

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE I GO.

 

It really made me think of all the times someone has tried to support me , but because I’m so closed off and normally people don’t ask *how* to support others … it just feels like coddling. Granted , Bee is absolutely an angel and blessing and supported me how I needed without even asking or realizing. She was part of helping me find *how* I need support and I don’t think either of us realized it. Sorry to out you for being an angel , Bee. Hide your halo somewhere <3

 

Support to me , means :

 

Let me be a depressed piece of shit bro. I know that sounds horrible and people would be like “oh you’re not a piece of shit stop it.” That’s not what I need. Sometimes I just need to be just that , I need to feel the feelings and emotions I have because I’ve repressed them for so long. Let me just vent it out , be depressed for a day or two and I’ll get over it. I hate being coddled , give me an honest opinion about what’s going on. Bee , and Tanner (better known as brother or shit brain) have both given me this without me realizing it. Let me vent , agree that it sucks , and let me make my own peace with it without trying to be my therapist.

 

Support to me also means understanding , even if you don’t understand. There’s a lot of shit I’ve gone through that I’ll never even understand or get answers for , I doubt someone that wasn’t there for it will have answers either. Sometimes you just need someone to say “Jesus dude. That’s bullshit and you didn’t deserve that”. And then leave it alone and move on.

 

It also means honesty to me. Can you really be supportive if you’re coddling and only giving your friend the answers they want to hear ? Tanner has no problem telling me I’m just being a cunt and it’s not that serious. I appreciate the fuck out of that , because having that honesty can really calm me down and make me laugh… and just be like wow I need to take a chill pill for this one. It effects me because of my past , and it’s not the other persons fault if they have no idea what I’ve gone through.

 

 

How do you feel best supported ? Whether it’s friendships , relationships , whatever. What are things your friends or partner(s) do or can do that make you feel like you have a good supper system ?

Edited by DaddysMonkey
Guest Teasing Tink
Posted
I have too many convoluted thoughts on this subject just based on past experiences.

 


I wish I could say that I always just understand and respect that everyone has a different support style, and that I always just accept whatever they have to offer (because that is how I want to be treated myself). But honestly, sometimes I can be a high-maintenance, whiny bitch about stuff lol.

 

I think what most people want when they are upset is exactly what you described -- commiseration and understanding. And I am no different. I think one quick way to upset me more when I'm upset at something crappy someone did, is to start defending the other person lol. That frustrates me to no end, because I'm perfectly capable of defending the person in my own head and probably have done so one too many times, and me venting about it is just what the person is seeing as my last straw lol. I also highly appreciate comic relief when I'm upset (and ready for it). It really takes the edge off and snaps me out of my dark/serious mood. I like that I'm able to vent about whatever to my Daddy and we can jump between that and right back into joking/banter effortlessly. I like that he doesn't get scared of my intense nature when I vent/rant about stuff. To me, it's short-lived anyway and just a way to release. My other friend is also the comic relief type. She will joke about anything and everything. I appreciate that about her.

 

Now ironically, when someone is upset, my natural impulse is to go into problem solving mode rather than commiseration mode. Maybe because I'm selfish or just proactive. I dunno. But I find that it's *sometimes* uncomfortable for me sit with someone in their misery (depending on the subject and the person). Or if we're mutually venting about something (a supportive thing), if it starts to reach the point of rumination, I just feel worse after, not better. So it's a fine line. I also don't really understand why I can't just always let a person be when I want the same in return -- let me bitch and moan about this shit for just 5 seconds and I'll be over it soon lol. 

 

That INFJ you met is smart. I'm an INFJ, but not that smart, apparently. I think a lot of time could have been saved in my life if I just started with that question: "How would you like me to support you right now?" Except when the answer is: "I don't know", you're back at square one lol. Maybe I have tried that in the past and just can't remember. I guess it only works on someone who knows what coping mechanisms work for them, and not everyone does.

 

It's taken me time to realize that my support style also just isn't compatible with some people and that's okay. My style tends to be asking too many questions (to gain a sense of the bigger picture) and then trying to act as a sounding board or an outlet for the person. Is that therapist-ish? Maybe so, but I'm an INFJ, I can't help it lol. I also tend to be way too direct for some people's taste. Perhaps I lack tact sometimes. I recognize that I do need to learn in that area. It's frustrating for me, because I tend to be more raw and less censored the closer someone is to me, so I guess that's a quick way to see how much of me someone can handle. I've also been told by a friend who I used to be close with, that I go into philosophical mode too much when she's upset. That actually started a big fight between us because I felt like she was misinterpreting me as being cold and non-empathetic when that was the opposite of what I was feeling. I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells too often whereas in the past, she applauded my ability to make her feel supported. I wonder if that's how I make other people feel at times. Like a tool.

 

Which brings me back to my original point which is, because of experiencing all of that, I try not to be too precious or controlling about this stuff, because I've been on the other side of it where I sometimes felt like what I gave wasn't good enough or "right" enough and it was just a massive headache. Ironically, I only seem to have that problem with fellow INFJ's lol -- which is not to say all INFJ's are this way (a lot of it has to do with the mental health of the person too). I think it's just because we tend to think so much alike, it's like any solution I offer, they're sometimes like "I already thought of that." lol My ex hubby is an INFJ, so I'd often run into this with him. Also we both want to bring the other person's mood up when like I said, we both just need time to process and FEEL it. It's funny how we don't always give the person what we would most want ourselves in their shoes! I will say though, that the thing I feel INFJ's are good at is offering clarity and perspective which is so helpful (unless we already thought of it, apparently lol). 

 

And I would find this too, whenever I'd volunteer as a listener on one of those sites that lets people vent, my style works well with most people, I guess, but every now and then, you get a person and you have no idea how to make them feel better. Probably because their goal is not to feel better and they don't really know how to help themselves. So I usually just wind up annoying people like that or feeling like a failure for daring to try to get to the root of things (probably why I don't do it anymore lol). When in reality, I think my style is compatible with certain people and not others. That's just life. I do think there's always room for improvement, to learn how to be a better support for someone, but if we're close, I guess I feel like if I get to the point where I or they feel like they're walking on eggshells, we will both feel exhausted in the end, which benefits no one. 

 

Okay, this is a funny subject and I've rambled too much about it now, and probably didn't explain any of it right. So I'll end this here.

 

  • Like 1
Posted

heyhey :)

 

My best friend is an INFJ too... I have to admit we often clash since she does always use her emotions for everything while I, as an INTP, use my brain and logic. We would seem like two people that share nothing with each other (and... well if you look personality wise that is actually the case)... but we do bond over writing and creativity. Not much, I know but... yea. Even in that, as in almost everything else we are complete opposites: she loves and wants children, I don't. She keeps in contact with many people, I don't. Then the way we decide on things, what is important to us... it's really different but cool. We still love each other a lot though (most of the time).

 

I mentioned her because... well ... it kinda hits the nail on the head. We are so different, and it makes it really hard most of the rtime to be there for each other. I am not good in comforting others, reading moods or emotions, understanding sarcasm and irony in general. It's really hard at times and you could be waving a street latern and I would barely notice. For me, as a logic based person, If you tell me about a problem, I will try to make suggestions how to get out of the situation or offer my help. But that's not always what people need. I came across this idea on instagram that was about, how people are different and need different things. One person might tell you about something because they just want to get it out, some because they want to be comforted, some because they want help. So, when she is having a hard time, I always ask: "Would you like me to make you suggestions or offer help, or would you prefer me just listening?" It might sound stupid but GOD, it helps. Cause I don't have a clue what people need at times, so that way I can make sure to offer the support the person needs at that moment.

 

 

If I am honest though...  it's difficult. I see how she meets her boyfriend whenever she can, how she's out with friends on a fair, how her grandparents support her with writing a book... how they are open about it. I watch her hang out with her cousin or best friend ... I watch her. She has BPAD  and takes medicine for it and went through a lot in her life and still struggles. If she has a bad day, she drowns herself in writing or goes to her boyfriend or to her best friend or something.

 

And then there's  me. I have a guy best friend here who I've been friends with for 5 years. He was interested in me the first three but got over it at some point... and now goes from one toxic relationship to the next. I want to help him and try my best to listen and help when he wants... but it sucks the energy out of me. I have my walls up even when I am with him. Crying in front of him or letting me be comforted? That won't happen. I just can't be viulnearble and show weakness, cry or break down. When I am alone at night or during the day, I feel miserable, but I can't show it to my mum with which I'm living. She just blames herself or feels bad, so i've been playing pretend with her like you do at work, monkey. I once let it slip last week when my psychologist told me I had a personality disorder that partly is caused by unsatisfied needs in my childhood (mum had to raise me alone because he didn't give a shit and didn't pay more then the bare minimum, so mum had to work a lot).... and you know how it ended? She cried multiple times, apologised and blamed herself and has been kinda depressed since then... great. When I get those times when I would need someone, someone to take me in their arms and just let me cry, someone to cuddle me up and make me feel safe and okay... I'm alone. Sure, I could write her a message... but even if I hear her words that she's sorry I'm down.. it doesn't help. I always had to deal with those times when I am down or cry or just break down on my own, because no one was physically there... Words do nothing for me. There were so many people, partners and friends and "Mum's bad taste in men", that promised me stuff and then broke those promises anyway ...  yea. 

 

So if the question is how other's support me... probably by giving me space. And saying words like "I'm always there for you when you need me" that I don't believe nor really need anyway.  God that got depressing really fast :D :D :D

  • 4 weeks later...
Guest LittleElizabethBun
Posted (edited)
...redacted... Edited by LittleElizabethBun

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